Feedback on new story - threesome

[firemoon]

Hello

I'd like some feedback on my new story - a threesome called:

Welcome to America by Firemoon (me)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=87022

Thanx - Firemoon

 

[Guest]

Hey, Firemoon.

Like most of the other stories I've read here at the feedback section of the boards, I'm going to respond to your story as I read it. Anything I might say is only my opinion, and you, along with anybody else, have the complete and absolute freedom to disagree. Please though, don't take anything to heart!

So here goes!




It was nearing noon and my clandestine sanctuary would soon be populated by more structured people “doing” lunch, getting their “exercise,” doing what people do at the noon-hour. I looked around and sighed.

I think this is a fine sentance, however you have the word "doing" in it twice. You should never really have, at least so I've been told, two of the same verbs in the same sentance. Just a suggestion.



The woman, middle-aged, like I, had classic European features, softened by mid length, silky salt and pepper hair, smiled at me as she sat at a table, and I smiled back.

This is a run on sentance. You have two different mainstream thoughts put together. First you're telling the reader what she looks like, and then you say she smiled. Of course, in some instances, this is an okay thing to do. But technically, to pull it off, you would need an "and" inserted somewhere in there. But since you have an "and" ending your first thought, you really should begin a new sentance with the new action.

Here's a suggestion.


The woman, middle-aged, like I, had classic European features, softened by mid length, silky salt and pepper hair. She look at me and smiled as she sat down, and I smiled back.

Again, just a suggestion.

“Please permit me. I am Petrov Marshink and this is my wife Elise. We are ..."

I don't know if you accidentally cut half of your first sentance out during editing, which is sometimes known to happen (especially to me), but if not, it doesn't quite make sense. He says, "Please permit me." Please permit him to do what? Obviously, he's going to make an introduction, but really, you should be the one to fill in that blank, not the reader.

She began stroking my hand gently, fingers rhythmically in time with the burbling water.

You might have wanted to add something like, "...time with the burbling water that hummed in the background of where they sat." At the beginning you mentioned it, but between then, and where this sentance was, I had forgotten about it, and had to pause and think to be reminded.



He observed my nipples begin to point, I flushed...

Because right before you had been talking about the other woman, you may have wanted to say his name, instead of just putting "his".

From the tip of my toes to the strands of hair on my head, my body was insisting that I celebrate life fully.

I liked this sentance. It fits the theme of the whole nature thing you focus on in the story. Very nice.

Petrov called the waitress and ordered fruit, small portions of meat-salad, bread and beverage for all of us.

Huh? What? They're at a restuarant? I didn't know this. I thought they were at a picnic table or something. You might want to state that at the beginning. Makes for better imagery.

She smiles a beatific smile as her arms encompass both Petrov and me for a hug.

This isn't a big deal, but you should be wary of the fact that you changed tenses by saying "smiles" instead of "smiled".

Reading on... I see that you switched tenses completely. Don't do that! It shifts the entire tone of the story, and because your whole story had an -awesome- tone, you don't want to ruin it by simply changing tenses.

Okay.

I really did enjoy your story. A lot more than most I read here at Literotica, actually. I normally don't enjoy threesomes, but you wrote yours with an elogant and eloquent style, which made it that much more desirable to read.

1 more suggestions.

Next time, you might want to make the main character's gender more apparent at the beginning. Until she introduced her name, I was under the impression that the main character was a man.

A very good read. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more.

Sati

 

[firemoon]

feedback

Dear Sati,

Thank you for your feedback - I will look at it seriously and I'm glad you enjoyed my story!!

 

[DarlingNikki]

Hi firemoon,

Some things I noticed while reading:

It has been one of those winter’s that linger on and on;

“winter’s” should be “winters”

The woman, middle-aged, like I, had classic European features…

Sati already pointed out the run-on aspect of the above sentence but I would add that although “like I” is grammatically correct, it sounds awkward. I would change it to “like I am”

“I am familiar with some of the Trail. What exactly did you want to know,” I responded?

I noticed you did this a couple of times. When you have a quoted question, the quotation mark goes inside the quotes, not at the end of the sentence. i.e. “I am familiar with some of the Trail. What exactly did you want to know?” I responded.

“Please permit me. I am Petrov Marshink and this is my wife Elise. We are from a small town in South-eastern Europe….

I have to disagree with Sati’s comment above about the “please permit me” part. You have very clearly established that these are foreign tourists. This not an uncommon way of speaking for a well-educated polite person for whom English is a second language and using it was a graceful way of showing-not-telling and integrating a little “foreignness” into his speech without making him speak silly pidgin English.

However – a small town in South-Eastern Europe? That’s pretty vague and strikes me as a little lazy. Just pick a country.

I love the descriptions of the woman – detailed and gives us a nice picture but still leaves room for us to use our imagination. Very nice to read something other than the typical “38D and great ass” descriptions.

I could feel his manhood on the inside of my thigh…

Are they standing up? I’m having trouble picturing a man and a woman hugging and having his genitals way down by her inner thigh. Unless he’s shorter than she is, which is fine, but I don’t think you said that.

I was also surprised to find they were at a restaurant. And what is meat-salad?

Elise opened the door a little to peak out,

Should be "peek" out.

I know the above sounds like mostly criticism, but really it’s pretty small stuff that I’m picking on. I really did like the story. I thought it was well and richly written and the pacing was good. I also found it pretty believable, considering it was a threesome with a couple of strangers. I never once thought “oh, please, give me a break” which is what usually ruins an erotic story for me. Overall, very nice job.

I hope this is helpful.

Nikki

 

[firemoon]

Thanks

Dear Darling Nikki,

Thank you for your critique - read yours - great writing - I will look at what you've said and try to incorporate it into my next - I'm not sure which category it will be in but all the critiques I've had so far help me to improve - or try to -