Feedback on my first ever story appreciated

[Iamgroot6969]

https://www.literotica.com/s/had-enough-of-my-nieces-baiting

Thanks!

 

[Lindsay_O]

You should warn people that it's incest rape before asking for feedback.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Grow up, Mrs. Farber. The title explicitly states what it is, and the categorization is correct. If you're too squeamish to read and review stories, then don't contribute.

***

I have many feelings about this story. On the one hand, it feels to me like it lacks justification. The extensive flashbacks read to me like a girl who is good looking, who is aware that she is good looking, coming out of a culture (muslim) where her looks are to be downplayed. Now, I know that Egyptian muslims are not so severe as some others in terms of flesh a woman can show, so how much Safi would have been "repressed" is unclear to me. Maybe she wasn't at all. Point is, this didn't read to me like teasing. It just reads like "Safi is a pretty girl. I'm a man who gets boners around pretty girls and I want it to be their fault."

Now let's be clear. I have written non-con. I've written rape. I'm not poo-pooing your kink, but the story is set up around one character getting their come-uppance and that's not how it reads to me. Justification and motivation in characters is important. Here, it's the difference maker between a tortured, frustrated protagonist and a jackass who takes what he wants.

Flashbacks. Don't use flashbacks. Flashbacks are a professional-grade storytelling tool. It's like a power tool. You wouldn't want a new carpentry student messing with a table saw because they'll lose a finger. The same goes here. When you are starting out, learn how to tell a story in which all of the important information happens sequentially between the beginning and end of your story. Learn how to write a beginning, middle, and end, and how to make each part interesting.

When new writers use flashbacks it often ends up like what we see here. A time jumble where readers are left scratching their heads wondering what happened when. New writers often use flashbacks because they can't figure out how to make the beginning of their story interesting. Instead of figuring that out, we have to start in the middle of the story where things are interesting (so we can hook the reader), and THEN slog through a bunch of bland setup.

And it was. The setup was bland. Very tame 'teasing' and, to me, not commensurate with the rape she gets later.

You can clearly write and write well. Your scenes, from a technical standpoint, are clean and smooth. Your writing is wonderful from an ESL (or ETL (or EFL)), and you shoulf be proud of this. The big hurdle for you is to become as good of a storyteller as you are a writer.

 

[SimonDoom]

1. I agree with AwkwardMD that the justification is not quite there. One minute it seemed like this was a story building slowly to a seduction that both wanted; then, all of a sudden, he rapes her, although she enjoys it. I felt like you were very close, but that the motivation seemed inconsistent and not fully coherent. It wasn't at all clear what exactly the niece wanted. Perhaps if there had been more teasing dialogue between them, or if her teasing had been crueler, what happened would have seemed more justified. Also, we don't really have effective foreshadowing of the uncle's rape of his niece. That's what it is, after all. The event would have been more effective if in some way we had seen it coming.

2. A pet peeve of mine, and not everyone's: you shift tenses a lot from present tense to past tense, in the same scene. This may not matter to some, but it drives me bonkers. It's an easy problem to fix.

3. I don't agree with AwkardMD about flashbacks. I don't see the problem here, because they're not very long. There's no way you could recount what you want to recount effectively by telling everything that happens in this story in a purely chronological order. It seems to me you kept recollections of the past to an appropriate minimum.

4. I'm not sure about the use of asterisks to set off internal thoughts. I'd recommend adding a tag "he thought" or putting such thoughts in italics. I think it would read better.

5. I agree with AwkwardMD about your prose. To make the story better, more attention should be paid to the storyline, and in particular the characters' moment to moment motivations, and in particular convincing the reader of the plausibility of the uncle forcing himself on his niece.

 

[AwkwardMD]

It's probably worth stating that if you had turned this into a romance, I would have had less problems with the setup. It seemed like things WERE progressing, but toward something mutual and tender. It seemed like the two characters were playing chess, and when Uncle Jay didn't like Safi's use of the Sicilian Defense he bent her over the table and fucked her.

Does that make sense?

 

[SimonDoom]

It's probably worth stating that if you had turned this into a romance, I would have had less problems with the setup. It seemed like things WERE progressing, but toward something mutual and tender. It seemed like the two characters were playing chess, and when Uncle Jay didn't like Safi's use of the Sicilian Defense he bent her over the table and fucked her.

Does that make sense?

This is exactly how I felt about this story.

Non-con isn't my thing, exactly, but I don't mind reading a story based on someone else's fantasy. But to justify the non-con scene, something more was needed to lead into it: foreshadowing, motivation, worse behavior by the niece, or (maybe better still), a hint by the niece that she WANTED a non-con experience. Snippets of dialog where she indicates that she wants to be forced or dominated. The uncle was reluctant to go there, but in the end he couldn't stop himself.

 

[AwkwardMD]

3. I don't agree with AwkardMD about flashbacks. I don't see the problem here, because they're not very long. There's no way you could recount what you want to recount effectively by telling everything that happens in this story in a purely chronological order. It seems to me you kept recollections of the past to an appropriate minimum.

Soap box time

I am not a professional writer. I am not an important critic that anyone wants to, or should be attempting to, impress. Nobody should be writing for the sake of meeting rules that I write by, nor should anyone be overjoyed/angry at getting/not getting my stamp of approval. I'm not just nobody famous, I'm nobody period.

That's important to understand because I expect that every writer I try to help will one day grow beyond the need for my help. They will figure shit out on their own, and they won't need me or anyone else to tell them that their story is good. When that day comes, write all the flashbacks and God characters you want.

Until then, start small. Avoid getting behind the wheel of an $800,000 car until you know how to drive a $500,000 car and all the power that brings. A flashback is not a bad thing. It's just a tool with a specific purpose. You don't use a hammer on screws.

Let's say we're writing a story where the protagonist is led down a dark path that ends with him killing his best friend. A flashback placed at the tail end of the story, showing a younger, uncorrupted, happy protagonist, paints a powerful picture of the journey you have been witness to, and reminds you that human beings tend to be the sum of their life's experience rather than truly evil at the core. Your protagonist-villain was someone's son or daughter once upon a time.

THAT is how you use a flashback. Flashbacks are great, and they have enormous storytelling potential. Using it here, to show last friday, where we saw some thigh, is egregious. Like driving your $800,000 car to the end of the driveway to get your mail from the mailbox.

Here endeth the lesson.

 

[Iamgroot6969]

I have many feelings about this story. On the one hand, it feels to me like it lacks justification. The extensive flashbacks read to me like a girl who is good looking, who is aware that she is good looking, coming out of a culture (muslim) where her looks are to be downplayed. Now, I know that Egyptian muslims are not so severe as some others in terms of flesh a woman can show, so how much Safi would have been "repressed" is unclear to me. Maybe she wasn't at all. Point is, this didn't read to me like teasing. It just reads like "Safi is a pretty girl. I'm a man who gets boners around pretty girls and I want it to be their fault."

Now let's be clear. I have written non-con. I've written rape. I'm not poo-pooing your kink, but the story is set up around one character getting their come-uppance and that's not how it reads to me. Justification and motivation in characters is important. Here, it's the difference maker between a tortured, frustrated protagonist and a jackass who takes what he wants.

Flashbacks. Don't use flashbacks. Flashbacks are a professional-grade storytelling tool. It's like a power tool. You wouldn't want a new carpentry student messing with a table saw because they'll lose a finger. The same goes here. When you are starting out, learn how to tell a story in which all of the important information happens sequentially between the beginning and end of your story. Learn how to write a beginning, middle, and end, and how to make each part interesting.

When new writers use flashbacks it often ends up like what we see here. A time jumble where readers are left scratching their heads wondering what happened when. New writers often use flashbacks because they can't figure out how to make the beginning of their story interesting. Instead of figuring that out, we have to start in the middle of the story where things are interesting (so we can hook the reader), and THEN slog through a bunch of bland setup.

And it was. The setup was bland. Very tame 'teasing' and, to me, not commensurate with the rape she gets later.

You can clearly write and write well. Your scenes, from a technical standpoint, are clean and smooth. Your writing is wonderful from an ESL (or ETL (or EFL)), and you shoulf be proud of this. The big hurdle for you is to become as good of a storyteller as you are a writer.

Thank you very much for your insightful feedback, I will definitely take it on board for the next installment!

Now looking back, I can see how the setup was a little bland and didn't really warrant the treatment Safi got. When I was concocting the story in my mind, the motivations were justified but perhaps I could have done a better job of relaying that on the page.

Thank you for your compliment on my writing, I can only hope I maintain this standard while improving my storytelling.

Best.

 

[Iamgroot6969]

1. I agree with AwkwardMD that the justification is not quite there. One minute it seemed like this was a story building slowly to a seduction that both wanted; then, all of a sudden, he rapes her, although she enjoys it. I felt like you were very close, but that the motivation seemed inconsistent and not fully coherent. It wasn't at all clear what exactly the niece wanted. Perhaps if there had been more teasing dialogue between them, or if her teasing had been crueler, what happened would have seemed more justified. Also, we don't really have effective foreshadowing of the uncle's rape of his niece. That's what it is, after all. The event would have been more effective if in some way we had seen it coming.

2. A pet peeve of mine, and not everyone's: you shift tenses a lot from present tense to past tense, in the same scene. This may not matter to some, but it drives me bonkers. It's an easy problem to fix.

3. I don't agree with AwkardMD about flashbacks. I don't see the problem here, because they're not very long. There's no way you could recount what you want to recount effectively by telling everything that happens in this story in a purely chronological order. It seems to me you kept recollections of the past to an appropriate minimum.

4. I'm not sure about the use of asterisks to set off internal thoughts. I'd recommend adding a tag "he thought" or putting such thoughts in italics. I think it would read better.

5. I agree with AwkwardMD about your prose. To make the story better, more attention should be paid to the storyline, and in particular the characters' moment to moment motivations, and in particular convincing the reader of the plausibility of the uncle forcing himself on his niece.

1. Thank you, I agree with this now looking back at the story, and I can only hope to setup my second story a little better. The motivation seemed clear and justified in my mind but I certainly could have put it better on the page.

2. It's a pet peeve of mine also, and I did try keep it all in the present tense but I obviously missed a few! Will be more careful next time for sure.

3. Yes, the flashbacks were needed for me to provide some context. Without them the whole story would have been a bit too abrupt.

4. This is a funny one, I totally agree with you. I initially posted this story to Reddit (which is where I subsequently learned about Literotica), and the formatting with the asterisks would have made the 'thoughts' in italics. I should have made the formatting consistent really.

5. Thank you to both you and AwkwardMD - I will work on my story-telling for sure! Can't wait to get started on the next installment!

 

[Jada59]

You should warn people that it's incest rape before asking for feedback.

Yeah. Not my thing.

 

[Iamgroot6969]

Yeah. Not my thing.

I mean, the title and categorisation does give it away a bit. If it's not your thing you shouldn't read it really.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I really hope you keep writing. You have fantastic skill, and when you've progressed a little further you could be putting out some really impressive material!

The best tool I've ever found for learning to write is to read the work of others critically, or not for content. Read something by someone else. Mistakes jump off the page when it's not your own work, and it can be incredibly enlightening to see how other people tackle fundamental storytelling problems. Even if you look at something and say "I wouldn't do it like that," that helps you inform your own style and fill out your toolbox.

Good luck!

 

[Lindsay_O]

I mean, the title and categorisation does give it away a bit. If it's not your thing you shouldn't read it really.

The point is, you never gave any warning in this thread.

 

[AwkwardMD]

If only we could all wear signs. Then your life would be so much easier.

 

[KeithD]

The point is, you never gave any warning in this thread.

I sometimes wonder what someone who requires babysitting to keep them from melting when reading on a sex site is doing reading on a sex site to begin with. Did you melt before you could take responsibility for yourself and just move on to something that suits you better?

 

[AwkwardMD]

I sometimes wonder what someone who requires babysitting to keep them from melting when reading on a sex site is doing reading on a sex site to begin with. Did you melt before you could take responsibility for yourself and just move on to something that suits you better?

WE AGREED!!! THE RAPTURE IS UPON US!!!!

 

[AwkwardMD]

Thank you very much for your insightful feedback, I will definitely take it on board for the next installment!

Now looking back, I can see how the setup was a little bland and didn't really warrant the treatment Safi got. When I was concocting the story in my mind, the motivations were justified but perhaps I could have done a better job of relaying that on the page.

Thank you for your compliment on my writing, I can only hope I maintain this standard while improving my storytelling.

Best.

I should have said this before, but you will probably find that there is ALWAYS some disconnect between the vision you have for a story and the way you execute it on the page (as it were). It can be helpful, as you grow, to get some other eyes on your stories in earlier stages to help keep your vision in check. Someone who you can talk to and say "I'm trying to get this girl to drive that guy so crazy that he can't control himself anymore. Does this do that?".

A small group of friends. A beta reader. A writer who you can do the same for. Those are good, constructive conversations to be able to have, and you will find that the proof will be in the final product.

 

[Lindsay_O]

If only we could all wear signs. Then your life would be so much easier.

Your sign is loud and clear.