Feedback on gay story

[Dwayne_Humper]

Hi there,
I’ve recently written a gay story of which I’m very proud, and I would really appreciate some honest feedback.
If you like it, don’t forget to give it 5 stars.
Kisses,
Dwayne

https://literotica.com/s/used-and-humiliated-by-my-stepfather

 

[yowser]

I was hoping someone else would chime in here, but it has been some time with no peep and your request deserves some sort of response,

Two caveats:

My interests are fairly broad spectrum, most of my stories are hetero but I have also done a decent share of gay, both male and female. But humiliation is not only not an interest but an anti-interest for me, so my reactions aren't going to be the ones your target audience might provide. So comments are just on story making, phrasing, plot, etc.

I am an exceptionally critical writer/reader so this won't be a lovefest. On the other hand, I have benefited from athletic and writer coaches who were not afraid of a good kick to my shins, and that served to make me better. I offer up commentary in a similar spirit.

Strengths: You set the scene quickly and outline the characters, home in on your theme quickly and efficiently.

The first couple paragraphs had me scratching my head however. Okay, horny young male, check. Obnoxious mother's boyfriend, check. Was hoping for a decent summer vacation, but wait? South of France with buddies? Sounds like a big splurge (and where are we? the north of France? Montreal? San Diego?) If you are going for one specific location detail, best if you contribute more, so we have a better idea of what sort of vacation stretch this is (I have no idea where you are...)

But then, why couldn't you have gone away at the same time as your Ma? There must be some reason why there was a need to keep the house occupied but we don't know. Already you have a potentially confused/aggravated reader, not a good start.

Okay, then into the action.

The major structural issue with this story is the pacing: we go from 0 to 60 in three seconds. Wander into bedroom, intrigued by illicit sneak peek and fondling of Badboy's undies, sure, can understand that. But the way it's told, we know immediately that You're Going to Get Caught.

The story would improve immensely if you drew out the suspense a little longer. Such as: first violation, of course nerves along with the excitement. But you just spend a couple minutes and escape. But you are aroused, intrigued, have stuff to think about.

Next time a little longer, more excitement. Third time you've gotten bolder, throw a little caution to the wind. Now discovery happens. Yes, we saw it coming bit it feels so much more satisfying, a bigger bang. You can ramp up the interest easily with just a little more attention to events, timing, racheting up the tension.

The rest of it didn't work for reasons outlined up top, I just don't get the appeal of being called 'slutboy' (over and over again, surely there's a a better way of showing the humiliation part.) But that's on me, nothing to do with your audience.

A little more definition of characters, their motives and interests (and quirks, real life characteristics - what does your mother see in this guy? Must be something...) and your story gets far more interesting - as it stands Badboy is two dimensional.

You do set the stage well for Badboy's band of buddies, so there is some nice room to move with Act II.

Mechanics of writing are above average, so good on that. If you are serious, do make sure you have acquired (or have access to) a good style guide, Strunk and White or the Chicago Manual of Style.

So, there you go. I hope you keep on, writing is hard work and often frustrating, until you nail a good one and it feels terrific.

best
yowser