Feedback on BDSM Writing: Anyone?

[arielsgoddess]

This is a piece that is about falling for someone that is not from an extreme lifestyle, like I am, both to work through what I am feeling and try to explain it to them. I was hoping to hear from some other BDSMers on what they think of this, before I give it: does it evoke enough of the feeling? Obviously I am struggling with going into a relationship that is more sane, but not completely vanilla, and I dont want to damage it--or damage my lover, literally or figuratively--when my first reaction to real feelings is to regard them as a weakness and turn it into something 'harder', but more in my twisted zone of familiarity.
Safe Word (The 13th Hour Confession)
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I won't give you my safe word

The magic password they always asked for
That once said it meant they wouldn't hurt you
It was against the rules of the game they told you
As they tied you up and took out the steel

That at first I thought I must not be saying right
Until finally it was the one that I used to say to beg them
When I was still too young and tender and somehow stupid
To be good enough to become the alpha goddess I am

As you come to me older yet more innocent and ask
In open honesty if you can come and play the game
The predator that I won't let grow inside me uncoils
And to stop it from seeing you I say yes and submit myself

Now I catch myself just before I find myself saying it
My tongue hitting the wall of my teeth and stopping it as
Throat aches with the effort and swells around the sound
Still trying so hard to find its way out to find you to take it
Repetitively shredding sharply in a whimper when I am alone
That catches itself inside me whenever you begin again
As you work your way into me the pain throws my head back
My mouth tearing open with the resonous moan that is growing

As I begin to pull harder against the bindings
Trying to elicit deeper pain from the straining
That is delicious with fear the ecstacy and agony
Running hot and cold and dry and wet within
My body frantically searching for the wall on which
To shatter itself into some kind of an ending

Yet you are not experienced in my kind of breaking
The weapons of pleasure too gentle in your hands
Not driving their tongues into my soul like spikes
But licking softly your true intentions along my flesh
Your caresses do not carve and sculpt me like a master

Words from your lips do not strike upon my skin
Like the fists of hatred so much more familiar
Yet my heart keeps leaping fleetingly through the moonlight
As swiftly as if the real danger chasing me were that
Instead of the echoes of truth coming at me from your words

Let my longing be the torture that brings me to death
I plead in my amazon pride with my teeth biting on my safe word
Though the blade of your tongue is again drawing darker blood
While my shadow demons threathened by the light you are drive me
To break myself against the emotional bonds you weave around us

When I then will either die with your "L" word on my lips
In your arms some night after your seduction has destroyed me
Or after I have dominated this darkness then maybe I can
Come with you with this word singing in safety between us

 

[JMohegan]

I have only the vaguest of ideas as to what all of that means - a fact reflective of my own poetry/metaphor/general flowery language limitations, surely. [I assume your guy is a poetry fan, and skilled at its interpretation. Is that right?]

However, as far as I can tell, the message may be summarized as: "You are innocent and inexperienced and not giving me physically what I need."

If that is, in fact, the message, then my advice would be to pick an alternate mode of delivery. One that clearly outlines that which you find spectacular, sexy, satisfying, etc., etc., about your guy..... and then lets him know that you trust him deeply, and that's why you want/need to tell him something that you find confusing, deeply personal, and somewhat painful...... which is that you have a history with intense pain, and maybe even a craving for it, and you don't know what to do about it.

In short: Don't make this about his inadequacy. Make it about your confusion and your issues, and then ask him for help figuring out how to address those things.

 

[tigressnred]

I agree wholeheartedly, a man is designed to take care, protect, nurture a woman and to fix the the things that are broken. He needs to feel that he is doing this for you, in order to keep it balanced, and to keep his so very vital ego in tact.

My husband of 15 years is not a Dom, while I have discovered I am very much a sub, yet he still is trying for my sake so that I may find all the pleasure he can give me.

Now granted for me it wanes a little because, I am having to teach him, in a very subtle and feminine way, about it, and he is running away with the physical side of things, but there is none of the Dom pshychological play with it, so at times I am left cold.

I try to rely on the like minded friends I have developed and the stories of course.......to fill in the blanks for me, and hold on to hope that one day he really will take control...

I only said all that to let you know your not alone.......