Feedback for Erotic Writing Workshop

[litchipking]

I've benefited greatly from the advice received in this forum. I look forward to your critiques.

Thank you in advance for your time and talents.

- Chip King

Please don't stop when you read the first paragraph. It is intentionally horribly written. Strange? Perhaps, but it will make sense if you read on.

Miranda Malone's Erotic Writing Workshop - CH 3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=363827

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Where do I begin?

What about -

Well, his story is hard to read because he doesn't use paragraphs." Fake-Tit Cheerleader, the bubbly blonde Tessa had seen yesterday, had a high, giggly voice. "He didn't even use a comma," she added.

"Fate-Tit Cheerleader, the bubbly blonde Tessa had seen yesterday, had a hig, giggly voice." First of all that makes no sense at all. There seem to be both missing commas and I don't know what - a VERB perhaps?

In the next paragraph her name changes to "Danni." Why the confusion?

Then skip down a few paragraphs and ...

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Bad Ass, but I'm not really paying you a compliment." Tessa thought the woman looked a bit like her grandmother, except with long strawberry blonde hair.

This is Ms Malone speaking (or is it Gloria or is Gloria and Ms Malone the same person? You can't really tell at this point). But Tessa (The Cheerleader with the whopper tits, I guess) thinking. I really think you should have made this two paragraphs. I also think this points up a major problem with this story. WHO IS THE MAIN CHARACTER? Tessa? Ms Malone? Bad Ass? You can't really tell because you are confused.

Over all, this is a "fair" attempt at toilet humor but falls short because of the confusion. You need to define your characters, choose ONE to be your main focus in the story and develope your characters and plot in an orderly fashion. What you've done here is more of a "shotgun" approach that doesn't really read very well.

 

[where]

I've benefited greatly from the advice received in this forum. I look forward to your critiques.

Thank you in advance for your time and talents.

- Chip King

Please don't stop when you read the first paragraph. It is intentionally horribly written. Strange? Perhaps, but it will make sense if you read on.

Miranda Malone's Erotic Writing Workshop - CH 3
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=363827

I'm sure I've read that first paragraph somewhere

I'm really sorry, I found the dialogue really stilted and the whole premiss a bit daft. Sorry

 

[Lalah]

I think the problem about the confusion is that the beginning CH 3 doesn't establish too well who is the viewpoint character if you haven't read any of the others chapters. Also there's many names being dropped in a very short times, names I obviously didn't know either, which added to the confusion.

What this mean is that your chapter shouldn't be read as a standalone, there isn't enough info at the start for new readers. But I get the impression from the Author's Note that you weren't intending it to be read as a stand alone anyway. So I suggest you ask for feedback starting at the first chapter.

That said I did read the first page. Once I managed to figure out the characters I didn't have any problems visualizing the scenes. But to be honest I was hoping for her to get embarrassed and seeing as it haden't happened by the beginning of page two I lost interest. It's not really my genre.