Feedback? EEK!

[Otus de la Nuit]

Hey peoples. I've been reading some of the feedback in this section of the forums and have been happy to see most of it is handled well. People are grown-up and don't do the mud-slinging thing. Still, I've been waffling all night about whether or not I should post my two stories and request feedback. Inferiority complex or something.

BUT I also know I won't improve if I don't know what's wrong. And, of course, I don't want to admit to myself that I'm being a total pussie about this. So on that note, here you have it.

Let Go

Spring's Eve

Please, be gentle. *laughs* Notes on either or both would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks!

 

[violent intimacy]

feedback for Spring's Eve

Hello hello...

First of all, much kudos on even daring to put your stuff out here for review! Even though I know it would do me a world of good, I'm still too chicken to ask for public feedback on my stories. The nicey nice feedback I've been getting privately is good enough for the time being.

In general, I thought your writing was very well done. When giving feedback in here, I always bitch about how there's not enough emotion, because that's what I like and consider important to many stories. I liked the way you had her reflect on her emotions and thoughts, and you drew me, the reader, into her character in that way.

I didn't like Nate. I thought he was a bit of a, how say you, sexist jerk type? What with all the "doll" and "baby" and "sweetheart" endearments... Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it was hard for me to WANT them to have sex because I didn't like him. Silly? Perhaps.

I copied about half of the first page and made some annotations in bold. Consider this "nitpicky feedback". Disclaimer: I'm not an expert on grammar and punctuation and style and whatnot. Most everything I've noted is my personal opinion only.

(BEGIN nitpicky feedback here)

I hung up the phone and waited to be buzzed in, maneuvering the box in (using "on to" instead of "in" would go better with "maneuvering") my left arm so I could see my watch. Shit. Five after eight. Almost on time. Well, if I was going to be late, this was the night to do it. The normally frigid March weather was glorious. Most of the snow had melted and I'd opted for sandals instead of my usual choice of sneakers. How'd (nothing wrong with using contractions, but "How did" sounds better here) I gotten stuck babysitting on a Saturday night like this (omit "like this") again?

My thoughts were interrupted as the door unlocked, and I bounded up the stairs. Waiting for me in the hall was a bright-eyed five year old boy. He wore a mischievous grin to go with his already bubbly personality. I smiled as he giggled and peeked around the corner. (if you already saw him in the hall, it seems a little out of place that he was also around the corner) That boy was just like his mom.

"Eve!" he squealed as he ran to meet me and threw his pudgy little arms around my leg.

"Hi Brandon, how ya doin' kiddo?" I ran a hand lightly over his sweet-smelling hair (you didn't get close enough to smell his hair...) and we began the trek to their apartment door.

"Good." He glanced up at the box, then to me. Let the questions begin. "What's that?"

"It's got some clothes your mom ordered inside." This satisfied him and he ran up to the door, opening it for me.

"Thanks, Hun." I was impressed. He was growing up fast and with the amount I saw him, the steps were huge.(The wording of this sentence seems awkward. Can't suggest anything better right now - sorry - but the word "amount" and "steps" don't fit too well.) Looking over at him again as he let the door swing shut, I saw the grin again.(You used the word "again" twice in this sentence.)

"Welcome. Did you bring the car?" Ah. This explained why he was being so sweet. I played along.

"Yes I did, in fact." The grin widened. He checked to see if Mom was within hearing. She was in the bathroom getting ready, so he was good.

"So we're gonna get movies?" I had to laugh.(For a confused instant, I thought she was the one saying this line because you put an action by her right after the dialogue.) If only something so simple could make anyone's day.

"We'll see what Mom says." His blue eyes sparkled and he ran over to the bathroom. Raising a fist and pounding as hard as he could, he shouted through the door.

"Mom! Eve's here and we're gonna go get movies, 'kay?"

I heard an exclamation as I slid my jacket off, hanging it over the chair that sat at the computer desk. I set my keys down, now grinning myself. You had to love Jess. She was in her mid-thirties,(omit comma) and raising Brandon alone, but she somehow managed to be the most cheerful and vibrant person I knew. When she walked into a room she possessed it, but (Using "but" in the same manner in two consecutive sentences...) managed to do so without seeming pushy. Sales was definitely her field. I was only 18 and already I (Omit "I". too many in sentence.) wished I had her energy.

I heard a cabinet close, then Jess followed Brandon into the room, obviously a bit exasperated. Her honey colored hair was perfect, but she fussed with it as she spoke.

"No, Honey. We just got movies, they're in your room. Maybe you can show Eve a little later; I'm sure she wants to know all about them." As she breezed past, she gave me a wink. "Hey Sweetie," I was greeted, her voice warm and her smile wide.

"Hey Jess. Sorry I'm a few minutes late." She shook her head and waved it off.

"Jeez, do I look ready?" Taking in the view, I decided she did. Fitted white button-down shirt and cute boot cut blue jeans were all utterly flattering on her. Upon further inspection, her bare feet revealed carefully kept, deep red toenails. She dashed over to the kitchen, moving a pitcher from counter to fridge. Poetry in motion? No, that wasn't quite it. A Dave Matthews tune in motion. Mm-hmm.

"Ah, you look great as usual," I chimed in. She Ohhed at me, trying to sound disgusted, but the laughter in her eyes and slightly blushing cheeks betrayed her. Distracted by her incredible cheer only momentarily(This sentence seems bulky. Perhaps "Momentarily distracted by her incredible cheer..."?) , my mind did (Omit "did") come("came") back to the box I was holding. "Speaking of which, Mom got your order in yesterday."

"What? Already?" I nodded. "Wow, that was fast." She happily swept (the) package over to the couch, tearing the tape off and holding up each piece as she took it out. They all looked about right for her; casual and smart, a little sexy. After working in the same office for several years, my mother knew her tastes pretty well.

"Eve, LOOK at this dress!" It certainly was an eye-catcher. She held it up to her body. Ice blue, sleeveless, and sleek, it complimented her sparkling hazel eyes wonderfully.

"I love this!" She looked at the clock on the wall. "I've got to try it on now. I'll need another girl's opinion, after all!" She began undoing her jeans, right there in the living room, and my eyes widened. It was a small, one bedroom apartment, so the only alternative was the bathroom, and after a moment's thought I understood her choice. She wasn't directly facing me, and as she tugged down those form-fitting jeans I turned away, returning the favor.

I looked at my feet for a minute, then out the window. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, kicking her jeans to the side and beginning to unbutton her shirt. For some reason, about then (Omit "about then". You're mentioning it now, so we'll assume you thought about it now, too.) I had the urge to take a good look at her. I was of course (Omit "of course" or put it in commas. It seems extraneous.) immediately embarrassed to find myself thinking such a thing. I'd definitely never considered women attractive before, and I told myself so; I insisted.(The "I insisted" behind the semi-colon seems extraneous or unfinished.) Still, my boyfriend's numerous requests for me to consider getting with another chick didn't seem so far-fetched now.

I got no further with that train of thought, as she suddenly struck up a conversation with me, mid-strip.

"Well, you should have an easy night. He was up late last night and didn't have a nap today."

I looked up without thinking and tried to bring my eyes back down, but they refused to budge. She undid the last button, looking me directly in the eye as she whipped off her shirt. I froze. Well, of course she was looking me in the eye. She was talking to me. I nodded, trying to appear relaxed.

"You remember how to use his inhaler in case he needs it, too." Again I nodded. God, look at those tits...(Should be comma instead of ellipses.) the lacey black bra just barely held them in place. My eyes snapped back to her face as she spoke(.)

"And if he wants anything to eat, there's some popcorn in the cupboard," (The following text is not an attributive, so you should end the dialog here with a period, and start "She tore..." as a sentence.) she tore at the tag on the dress, removing it bit by bit, (Period here, then capitalize dialog "And orange...") "and orange juice in the fridge."

"All right." I smiled my calmest smile, my heart pounding in my chest. "I think I can handle that." She shared her own perkier version of a smile and pulled the dress over her head. I caught a short glimpse of black panty-covered ass in the decorative mirror behind her before the dress swept down around her legs.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, turning away. This was getting ridiculous. I took a breath and decided to go hang with Brandon in his room while she finished up out here. I heard the snap of elastic against skin as she apparently adjusted things. I attempted to focus on the Power Rangers Brandon was glued to.

"Eve, I just LOVE this! Come here Sweetie, you've got to see." I tried to regain my composure and joined her. I pressed my lips together at the sight of her in something so gorgeous...No, at the sight of that dress on a creature as gorgeous as she. Now the tough part: what to say? I didn't want to sound like the pervert I was beginning to feel. I didn't want to hesitate and make her feel bad, but...

"What a great dress!" I rushed (Did you mean "gushed"?) in exclamation, then closed my eyes, thoroughly disgusted with myself. How original.

Gracious as always, she replied, "Isn't it? The color's so perfect. I'm bringing this with when I go to Vegas." She made her way over to the full length mirror on the opposite wall, inspecting her reflection.

(END nitpicky feedback here)

Oh yeah, and the sex scene between Nate and her? H O T. *fans self*

I hope I was gentle enough =)

 

[Otus de la Nuit]

Firstly Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I was glad to hear the story side of it held up. That's key.

Nate- the guy was designed to be fuckable, but allow Eve to "be in love" with David. She starts out slightly irritated by his forward manner and presumtuousness, but I really didn't show the "melt" (in which Eve decides he ain't so bad after all) very well. Anyway, writing it, I definitely wasn't sure my intent for Nate would come across...learning experience. hehe

Grammar...blech. Didn't have an editor. My bad

And last but not least, FIRST PERSON ISN'T OMNISCIENT! eep. Yes, this is my second full-fledged first person attempt, so from time to time I forgot that Eve has to discover things with her senses.

All your comments were really helpful, and I appreciate it bunches! Ah yes, and praise is good too. Tee hee..

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Spring's Eve

When I read stories on this site, I give two kinds of feedback. The first is constructive and detailed, and it's usually because an author has requested this kind of feedback -- such as in the Story Discussion Forum. The second kind is less detailed, not constructive at all, almost purely emotional, less than rational, and motivated solely by my pleasure with the story.

This is the second kind of feedback.

I won't say that it's a perfect story. There are flaws -- inconsistencies in the voice, bits of slang that found their way into the narrative, minor things like that -- but the flaws are insignificant. I'm positive that you'll smooth those things out just by writing more, and by getting and reading feedback from people who don't mind doing line editing on a story. The fact that I didn't pause once while reading the story means a lot more, to me, than flawless mechanics. Anyone can fix their mechanics with a little effort; not everyone can write with such lovely expressiveness and genuine emotion.

This was just a real pleasure to read, and it made me wet and made me smile. Lots of things impressed me about the story -- the structure (simple but well-executed), the build-up of tension, and most especially the freshness and rather startling innocence of the narrator's sexuality (innocent in the sense of "uncorrupted" rather than naive). And I actually did like Nate -- he was observant, and calm, and gentle.

I liked little things about the story -- Eve kissing Jess's neck after she fell asleep, their initial kiss and the way it was described, Eve's flustered conversation with Jess in the beginning... I just liked everyone in the story very much, I liked their decisions and the way you brought them together. The emotions in the story seemed so genuine that I could imagine you being caught up in everything as you wrote it, and for some reason that made me smile, too.

Thank you for the story, and keep writing!

 

[openthighs_sarah]

bump

for sweetnpetite and also for Otus' sweet little story...