Feedback appreciated

[Shhh]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=36800


Feedback, criticism, comments, offers, praise, threats, cash, gifts, dinner invitations...all appreciated.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Good story. I liked it. It had a very good build up to the sex (or phonesex) .

- PBW

 

[dagny]

Your use of conversation was great. It kept it fresh, and very real. The story moved well, and you felt right there with the characters. It also passed the true test of erotica; it made me wet

 

[Shhh]

Thanks Dagny

No greater praise than wet panties (assuming you're wearing 'em).

Thanks. xo

 

[rigged4dive]

Read your first post a couple of days ago, but hadn't gotten around to writing feedback yet. Just finished pt. 2 posted in KillerMuffins thread.

Damn, you learn fast. Part one was good. Part two was much better.

Write more.

Soon.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

SHHH,


Very good work, especially for a first post. So much for the warm fuzzies, now here are some cold pricklies.

The opening paragraph was, IMHO, weak. It added little, if any, essential information and did nothing to advance, much less start, the story. Paragraph two, though not perfect, would be a much better choice.

A fair slug of paragraph one is devoted to Mary's previous love life and how it resulted in her now having two kids. It's the only time they're mentioned (where were they when all the fun stuff was happening?). Unless they play a role in a later episode, why have them in this story, much less the opening paragraph?

Any time another character is quoted, start a new paragraph. It can confuse the reader if two different characters are quoted in the same paragraph. For instance: "What?" Mary asked. "Do that again...lick your lips," I whispered.

Once again, this was a good write. You made it a chore to find much to fuss about. Keep up the good work. RF

 

[Shhh]

SHHH,

A fair slug of paragraph one is devoted to Mary's previous love life and how it resulted in her now having two kids. It's the only time they're mentioned (where were they when all the fun stuff was happening?). Unless they play a role in a later episode, why have them in this story, much less the opening paragraph?

Any time another character is quoted, start a new paragraph. It can confuse the reader if two different characters are quoted in the same paragraph. For instance: "What?" Mary asked. "Do that again...lick your lips," I whispered.

Thanks for the feedback, RF.
Re: the dialogue point and beginning new paragraphs. I think that occurs, if it occurs, as a result of the cut and paste into the submission page - suspect I'm losing some formatting somewhere. I'm usually pretty good about breaking apart the characters dialogue on seperate lines. Will pay more attention.

 

[bluelight]

Can I have Marys number?

That was about as real as it gets you did a great job.

 

[KillerVanity]

I can only reiterate what Rumple Foreskin said about paragraphs -- it was VERY disconcerting and took me right out of the story, but this was especially confusing:

"'I'd like to have phone sex with you right now, Mary,' I half joked. 'If it weren't for your brother I'd do it because my pussy's so wet right now I can barely sit here,' Mary whispered..."

Since it's one continuous block of dialogue, it appears that the protagonist is just finishing his statement. I was slightly alarmed when I thought he was talking about how wet his pussy was!

The story itself seems well-written, though. I look forward to reading more.