Feedback appreciated

[CrazyyAngel]

Hi Folks,

after a couple of weeks of translating and editing my story finally found its way onto the site. Now I would appreciate any feedback you can give.

Kitchenwork

Thanks
CA

 

[damppanties]

Hi Angel,

soft and full breasts of her.

should be 'of hers.'

I just slightly squeezed them, than let them go and just held them in my hands.

This sentence has the word 'just' two times in close proximity. It isn't very good to have the same word repeated in the same sentence. It jumps out at the reader interrupting the flow.

She took away the knife and reached...

'She left the knife' or 'released the knife' sounds better.

a distant smile on her sweated face.

sweated should be sweaty or sweating.

The other hand played with her clit. Her breath got heavier and heavier and from time to time she wasn’t able to suppress a groan.

My cock stiffened more and more,

Here you use words twice - heavier and heavier, time to time, more an more - quite close together. Consider deleting the repetitions which occur this close.

I'd have preferrd the paragraph starting - I was barely able to nod - to be cut into 2 or 3 paragraphs. The bigger lines of text make it hard to read on screen. Same with the paragraph starting - Then I realized that she hasn’t cum

Then she kissed me hard and passionate.

hard and passionately.

In between she licked him like on ice

What did you mean by this?

Your story reads very much like: I did this and she did this then I did this then she did this. It isn't very gripping when you just describe actions.What you could do is write the same story without much action, but with the character's thoughts as he's doing everything. Then mix up the two stories. Also include what the character felt... when she touched him - did he feel tingly all over his lower abdomen? Include the senses in a story... how did she taste? All these things make your story better than the thousands of other stories here.

edited to add: Angel, I just went by your memberpage and I think English is not your first language. If it isn't, then you did a very good job of it for a non-English speaker.

Keep writing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hi Angel,

Since you mention having to translate the story, I assume that English isn't your native language, and I'm afraid that it shows in your story. It's difficult to read too far into it without running into some rather startling uses of language such as:

"Now I got a superb view on her firm arse in his all his beauty."

This is going to get some funny looks from readers and I'm afraid it will ruin the erotic effect you're aiming at.

You have my deep admiration for even attempting to write in a foreign language. It's something I could never hope to do. But you really need an editor to help you iron out these rough spots.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[CrazyyAngel]

Uhm ... its been a while since I was here last time. First of all thanks for the feedback folks, it is appreciated. And you are both right, english is not my first language - its german.

@dr_mabeuse
this particular sentence was translated 1:1 ... so I see your point . And its funny, cause I had an editor ... but obviously it wasn't enough.

Ok, I'll try harder next time. Thanks for reading and reviewing it.

CA