Feedback appreciated

[PaulX35]

Well, finally took the dive into the deep: my first story published here.

Feedback on how this was written (storyline, style, but also my English (it's not my first language)) is much appreciated as I'm already writing more.

Also please feedback on if this admittedly somewhat more unusual attraction was put in the spotlight in a way that gives some insight in why I'm thrilled by it.

Thanks a lot for any comment,

Paul

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67478

 

[horny_giraffe]

Interesting.

It's a light, easy read.

There's more detail than I expected for a dream sequence.

Not quite as much tension as I would expect with a name like "Forbidden Dream."

I liked it.

 

[kristydoll]

I liked this little fetish story of yours - its a different "fetish" than what I am used to reading.

The story line is good - just tighten up your story and it will work better. Using a US spell check will also help catch some words and help you in your writing. Actually, the spelling is pretty good, I'm just not sure "contrastingly" is a word.

Continue to write - it's the best way to get better.

kristy

 

[the_bragis]

Hallo Paul,

You know that's the only Dutch I know, so I'm not very comfortable pointing out what I feel may be bumps in your written English. Well you asked for feedback, so here's mine.

John had first seen her at a birthday party of a friend.

This is a good opener, only it needs tightening. John had first seen her at a friend's birthday party.

When the party was coming to a slow end, and there were only two groups of people chatting remaining, John had picked his chance of getting in touch with her.

That meant it was only the two of them remaining.

The party was coming to a slow end, only two groups of people chatting remained, John picked his chance to get in touch with her.

Only the two of them remained.

Paul, I noted throughout your story many 'extra' words, and they really just clog up a good read. Read though your story again, and you will spot them.

If John ever had good reason to be grateful for naturally finding the good subjects for discussion, it was that evening

This would perhaps read better as - grateful for his natural talent of finding good subjects...

3am

Always type the word not number. I don't think it's a big deal, but some readers do.

John laughed. “So that’s why we’re on the couch eh?”

I liked this, it made me smile.

Ellen smiled naughtily..

You have used a lot of adverbs, and those are never an author's friends. Fuller descriptions always work better. How about something like - Ellen grinned and ran the tip of her wet tongue over her lips - it's still naughty, it's just a more colourful picture.

Ok, this story, is about a minority group which would not normally be seen as 'sexy', and I like that.

You know what I would have really enjoyed though? I would have really enjoyed your story in audio. Yes, I would love to have listened to it in your Dutch accent.

Have a good day.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Alex (fem).

 

[JAYCE73]

Originally amusing

First of all, I wanted to really praise the bragis. She always gives great counsil.

Now to your story, When I read she was an amputee, I broke into laughter, because it caught me off guard. Great writing.
Sexy, as well.
Do you really have that fetish?

 

[PaulX35]

Great comments, thanks a lot

You know that's the only Dutch I know, so I'm not very comfortable pointing out what I feel may be bumps in your written English. Well you asked for feedback, so here's mine.

Alex,
The bumps is what I seek to straighten out, so please don't feel uncomfortable. Your comments are much appreciated; it's the only way to improve my written English.

"Paul, I noted throughout your story many 'extra' words, and they really just clog up a good read. Read though your story again, and you will spot them."

Yes, I realize that. I guess I'm still balancing between being adequately descriptive and tiring to read

What you pointed out about adverbs was the nail on the head. While it adds detail, it simultaneously slows down. I will pay good attention to it.


John laughed. “So that’s why we’re on the couch eh?”

I liked this, it made me smile.
Thanks. It's hard to add in joking remarks in a story; when they're not good they tend to completely bore the story down. But this one seemed tolerable

Ok, this story, is about a minority group which would not normally be seen as 'sexy', and I like that.
Me too; and I hope I managed somehow to create some insight in what makes it attractive, even when you don't need to grasp what makes it tick for me.


You know what I would have really enjoyed though? I would have really enjoyed your story in audio. Yes, I would love to have listened to it in your Dutch accent.

Now this made me smile! Any reason why it would be so enjoyable to hear me eread it with an accent? I do a pretty good stiff upperlip for a Dutchie, you know

 

[PaulX35]

Re: Originally amusing

First of all, I wanted to really praise the bragis. She always gives great counsil.

Jayce,

I fully agree here; also see my reply to the_bragis.

Now to your story, When I read she was an amputee, I broke into laughter, because it caught me off guard. Great writing.
Sexy, as well.

Hmm, this is really a nice comment, since it was exactly my intention to keep the reader on the leash for some time. Fooling around with people's mind sets always adds surprise to a story, I think. I'm glad I succeeded in your case

Do you really have that fetish?
Err, yes, as long as I can remember. And I have no idea why, nor do I care any longer why. But I find a woman with one leg incredibly sexy to watch. If you're interested in knowing more about this fetish, don't hesitate to email me.

Thanks for your comments

 

[JAYCE73]

hmmm

uH Thank you No.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

After reading the replies on this thread I just had to take a look at the story. Well what can I say....It wasn't at all what I had expected but it was a pleasant read, very different than the fetishes I was used to hearing about for sure. It was humorous to a point. I can't comment on errors aside form the ones already stated so keep up the good work.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[PaulX35]

Classification problem

After reading the replies on this thread I just had to take a look at the story. Well what can I say....It wasn't at all what I had expected but it was a pleasant read, very different than the fetishes I was used to hearing about for sure.

Thanks for the compliments, Wicked

When posting a story, you are asked to place it in a category. I reluctantly put it under fetish, knowing people expect different stuff from that category. If you'd have any suggestions on where else to place it, I'd love to hear them.

 

[PaulX35]

Anonymous feedback commented

A few days ago I received this anonymous feedback:

"You're one sick fuck."

This made me decide to put anonymous Email feedback on ignore.
Not because my fragile soul would not be able to handle this sort of comment; trust me that I would not have posted a "controversial" erotic story like this if I would be fearing negative response.

It's rather that I dissent people being able to simply dump their opinion without there being any chance to reply and discuss.

The free and open enjoyment and discussion of erotic subjects much depends on intial respect for people's likings.

So, feel free to dislike, but beware to condemn.

Thanks to all who showed that degree of nuance in their comments.