Feedback appreciated. Looking to improve as a writer.

[countdowntolov3]

Hello!

I'm in the editing phase for my latest story and thought that maybe receiving some feedback/critique on my previous work would help me consider things I might not otherwise realize. So, if you have the time, I'd appreciate your feedback on my story Annie Brings a Friend.

Length: 2 lit pages.
Plot to Smut ratio: 1/4 plot, 3/4 smut.
Content warnings: FFM. Light BDSM. Pee.

I'll happily receive all feedback. I'm a casual writer with no delusions of grandeur but I want to improve so I can communicate my dirty thought to more people. I work a day job where I receive direct and harsh critiques of my (non literary) work regularly. You won't hurt my feelings here, and I hereby resolve you of the responsibility of cushioning any blows. I can take it!

The kind of feedback I'm most interested in is stuff like:

- Does the prose work? Is it easy to follow? I find my first drafts contain a lot of malordered sentences that require a degree is set theory for the reader to decipher. Did I prune that out with editing?

- Does the pacing work? I'm trying hard to linger on the sex acts and draw them out so they feel satisfying to the reader beyond, "oh that is a hot idea." Am I succeeding? Crashing and burning?

- Does the dialogue work? Do the characters sound natural? Is anything jarring?

- Do the characters work? Do their personalities come through? Do they feel consistent?

- Are the characters likable? In this story I hoped the characters were likable, did this come through?

- Can any veterans kind of glean where I am in my journey as a writer and maybe advise on what I should really be focusing on as my next big hurdle?

I'm not particularly interested in feedback about the large scale structure of the story, though I won't begrudge you leaving it.

Um, yeah. Thanks so much for your time and big ol' brain!

 

[Stimtheone]

Oh boy, as a guy who actually GETS what BDSM is about... and is into all these kinks, this might be enjoyable to review. Let's see these questions answered. Obviously, there is a bias, so you are free to discard this as I am not a trained critic or a very good writer. But...

- Does the prose work? Is it easy to follow? I find my first drafts contain a lot of malordered sentences that require a degree is set theory for the reader to decipher. Did I prune that out with editing?
So far, it seems to work. You seem to be able to finish an idea in a paragraph, it draws attention rather than make the eyes glance over and one can follow them. I repeat an earlier concern that you want do variate your terms of referring to things, as a name can start to lose value if you use it too many times in a short burst, instead giving other descriptors that help "flesh out" the characters. But maybe it's a pet peeve of mine.

- Does the pacing work? I'm trying hard to linger on the sex acts and draw them out so they feel satisfying to the reader beyond, "oh that is a hot idea." Am I succeeding? Crashing and burning?
Lingering just enough and actually making the mood have a steady change. But, I feel like the sex acts might have used some more vivid descriptions... extrapolating on feelings and results.

- Does the dialogue work? Do the characters sound natural? Is anything jarring?
Honestly, it very much works. You can sometimes feel reasons behind word and tone without it being described. Really putting yourself in there to find the words.

- Do the characters work? Do their personalities come through? Do they feel consistent?
I could tell who was speaking at times just by the content of the sentence. They do have distinct, much more developed personalities in my experience.

- Are the characters likable? In this story I hoped the characters were likable, did this come through?
Oh yes. Could feel the teasing, but subdued and afraid tone of Annie, someone in need of a guiding hand, even Jasper had more to himself than most might afford him and our protagonist feels quite fleshed out.

- Can any veterans kind of glean where I am in my journey as a writer and maybe advise on what I should really be focusing on as my next big hurdle?
I'm not a veteran, so my words might not mean much. If you wish to focus on longer stories there might be the consideration of what evolution such characters would make over such a story, as well as the pacing for longer bits. This could grow into, for example, describing the relationship from start to finish... from a time when the idea was awkwardly approached, into that first time that was a test for both, growing in confidence and trust as they go further and further... showing how it is letting the sub find strength, the dom to be content and happy with the developments, maybe the third guy joining in as some middle rung of this hierarchy. Still, I think you know your path best and you'll see what there is to do.

On my observations, seems you have a healthy idea of the kink, of characters and I might steal those little --- things to pause a section because they did give a nice idea of where something started and stopped. Also, let me share a nice secret if you wanna focus on making hot scenes... edge yourself. I mean... work yourself up to excitement that is begging for attention and stay there. Yes, it's hell, I know. This will make your mind just go hard on vivid descriptions and hot interactions. When I write with a clear head, I think way too much. The sex scenes seem more "methodical" rather than erotic... in my opinion, and I can see that coming when this act is all about really thinking, but it feels more like you're reading an instructions manual.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I've just read your story and I suppose I should give you my thoughts.

The good: You can write. There is no doubt about it. The language, the wording... It is all very good.

The things I didn't like:

1. It feels like this is chapter 3 and not chapter 1. We don't know who Annie or the Professor is. What do they like what they dislike; what do they get out of this relationship; what turns them on; how did they get there etc. We barely even know how Annie looks like and we know nothing about the professor. Having all that in mind, you quickly introduce a third person, even though we don't have the hang of the dynamics between these two yet.

2. You are very descriptive... maybe even too much. You describe every little action in detail, so for me it broke the immersion into the scene to an extent. The scene lacked passion also. The sighs of arousal, the arching of hips, the sense of passion in the air... It felt almost clinical in a sense.

3. Annie's banter didn't make too much sense for me. "You guys suck" and such. Some showing of her arousal and passion together maybe with a sense of humiliation and embarrassment would have been more fitting for me.

4. The boy letting her pee over his pants feels too forced. I've never really felt professor's domineering presence in the sense that it would make him accept it so easily, for the exact reason I've mentioned in n.1 We don't know anything about her and even less about the boy who just accepted everything meekly and apparently it all came because she saw his one picture and deduced he is a sub.

This is of course only my humble opinion, which doesn't have to mean much. You have what it takes to write a good story, I just think you kinda rushed into this one a bit. Of course, it doesn't mean that readers won't love it

 

[countdowntolov3]

@Stimtheone, thanks so much! I'm really happy to hear that you found it a smooth read and that you liked the characters.

I'm surprised about your feedback on calling character's by their names feeling repetitive. One of the habits I've been trying to break myself of is using cutesy identifiers like "the submissive" or "the poor girl" when a name will do. It's not like anyone pointed out to me that was a problem. But I noticed it was often jarring me our of stories I read. I wonder if I overcorrected.

The sex acts benefitting from more vivid descriptions is a point echoed by the other commentator here. So I guess I should pay extra close attention to that! Honestly, I'm not surprised to receive this note anyway. I find it intimidating to try and describe the acts themselves in a way that's evocative, because so often when I do I feel like I'm just rehashing a tired trope. I know that when I read things like, "her lips parted like petals" it hits kind of dull and awkward because I've read that same metaphor a million times. It's hard to bring something new to the table!

I'll leave your "process" notes uncommented on ;}

Thanks again!

 

[countdowntolov3]

@AwkwardlySet, I really appreciate the considered feedback!

I don't have much to say about the "this feels like chapter 3 and not chapter 1" observation. Guilty as charged, I guess. To be honest though, I don't think I'd do it differently. I've never really enjoyed origin stories (oh my god when an author or TV show does an "origin story" book/episode, I just hate it), and so wanted to jump right in. I did hope I'd sprinkled enough tidbits in that the reader would build a sense of Annie and the professor's relationship as things progressed, but based on your reaction, maybe I came up short.

The "you describe every little action in detail" critique is no doubt spot on. I know this is one of my weaknesses. My natural inclination is to be highly procedural in describing the action. Which, as you point out, doesn't make for good reading. I think the root of it is that I'm trying to get the reader to picture the scene exactly as I do. But really, I should be trying to get the reader to understand the same important things about the scene that I do.

Oof. I sure don't love hearing that my smut lacks passion! But I think I see where you're coming from. If I was to try and defend myself I'd say I was trying to keep things grounded. Nobody in my fantasy here was having the most mind melting orgasm of all time. But, I'm not sure I could muster a terribly zealous defense. I'll definitely keep this point in mind while editing!

I'll admit I'm very disappointed Annie's "you guys suck" didn't land with you. To be honest, I thought that was some of my stronger dialogue If you're interested in helping me understand I little more where it lost you, I'd be grateful.

Lastly, your points on Jasper's (the boy's) submission feeling forced are ones I feel too. Looking at it now, the "I saw a picture and could tell" device is pretty lame. If I did it again I think I'd just have the professor detect that Annie had a crush on him. Some more buildup after they meet is also probably warranted.

Thank you so much for taking the time! I really appreciate it.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I understand your desire to get to the action right away. It is very much a legit way to write this kind of story. If this story was standalone, then your approach would be ok for me. But you intend to make this a chaptered series, and for such an endeavor, you want readers to create an attachment to your characters, to care for what happens to them, to feel them fleshed out. So understanding who Annie and professor are, what makes them tick, what are their inner thoughts (we see only professor POV), how did they get here and so on. Once again it is my opinion only

You are very descriptive and your descriptions are actually very good. But when you describe so many things, it can break the immersion into a sex scene, as one struggles to process so many details. Maybe use your describing ability to set up a scene, give in to your hearts desire and make us see the scene as you want us to see it, but then let the sex flow on its own. Once again, this is just my impression.

I am not 100% sure if it was how you wrote smut or this immersion breaking that contributed more, but some sighs and passionate moans were lacking for me at least, some exclaims of arousal and passion etc.

My experience with submissive arousal making you do something extreme tells me that it would feel more plausible for me if the boy accepted to be soiled by Annie's pee at the peak of his own arousal, when the hotness of the scene and his own lust can overtake his judgement, but you said he already came in his pants from the scene, thus releasing much of his arousal and sexual energy.

Now when I look at all I wrote, I'd say most of the things I found not working for me, were due to this rush to get to the "good stuff". That particular thing happens to many of us actually. We all suffer from "I wanna skip/avoid this build up and get to the scene I want to write" and as I mentioned already that works good for a standalone short story in general.

Either way, I really hope I didn't bring you down with my feedback. I wanted to be completely honest, and I know how hard it can be to take some strong criticism. But it also means I wasn't just being nice when I said you can write. In my opinion, you got what it takes, you just need more patience.

 

[countdowntolov3]

@AwkwardlySet, you didn't bring me down! I really appreciate the direct style of feedback. It's a good way to learn.

That's a fun point you bring up about coercing the boy after he'd already cum not being likely. I guess failing to empathize with men's post nut clarity is a blind spot for me.