Feedback appreciated-I'm a newbie!

[FairMaiden]

Hey all,
Well my story has been up about a week now and has a nice red H by it, thanks to all that have voted!!
Just hoping some of you lovely ppl can take the time to read my story and leave some comments either on here or publicly/privately.
This is the first time I have ever done anything like this and so need some encouragement.
Story here:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292475
Thanks all!!
FairMaiden

 

[mjl2010]

All I can say

is keep writing. Your story moved fast that's for sure. Almost too fast. I did like it though.

A few things that made me go huh?
- she bit the top of his cock. (don't know anyone who likes this. A little maybe, this sounds like she really bit him)
-grabbing his cock with some ferocity. (Scary almost)
-her sparkling wet pussy was revealed. (do they sparkle then? Glisten maybe.)

A few more things like those I guess. I did like the story though. I'd suggest from my point of view that adverbs and adjectives are like spices in a soup. Some is good, too much is overpowering. Like 'sparkling wet pussy'. Two adjectives and one noun. Her 'glistening pussy' or Her 'wet pussy'. Both might be too much.

A good fast moving story. You don't have to wait for the sex. Keep writing.

As an aside, your name reminds me of someone. Ever play an online RPG from Simutronics?

MJL

 

[FairMaiden]

Thanks MJL!
I do know someone who likes his cock bitten, hence where the inspiration came for that
Thanks for the feedback it is both encouraging and has some positive critisism (if ya get me!).
As for RPG, not me!
Ty, FairMaiden

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Your story could do with some additional editing. There are some things that you could clean up. For instance:

" Fuck, you are so good at that, show me how much you like it."

This is two complete thoughts. You should have a period instead of a comma. This is a common error. Make your sentences short to cover one thought. I'm guilty too. It's not a fatal error

You have some problems with word choice. For instance, both Anthony and "the new girl" refer to your character as "babe." There should be some differentiation between the two in the way they talk. This goes for your dialogue tags too. Here is one, I stumbled over. "Fuck me in the ass" she directed Anthony. What's she doing? Making a movie? I think "pleaded," "begged" or just "asked" would be better. Most guys, if "directed" would get up and go home. But that's just my opinion.

Over all, the story is good. The plot is a little thin. You should have made it more clear this was a regular meeting. The characters could have been developed a little more, but this worked.

You are on the right track with this story. Keep it up, you'll get lots better as time goes on. If I could tell you anything at all, I would say think about your reader, not the story. It seems like I was trying to keep up with the action so the flow was a little fast.

Good story. Look forward to the next one.

JJ

 

[DonFox]

Your story could do with some additional editing. There are some things that you could clean up. For instance:

" Fuck, you are so good at that, show me how much you like it."

This is two complete thoughts. You should have a period instead of a comma. This is a common error. Make your sentences short to cover one thought. I'm guilty too. It's not a fatal error

You have some problems with word choice. For instance, both Anthony and "the new girl" refer to your character as "babe." There should be some differentiation between the two in the way they talk. This goes for your dialogue tags too. Here is one, I stumbled over. "Fuck me in the ass" she directed Anthony. What's she doing? Making a movie? I think "pleaded," "begged" or just "asked" would be better. Most guys, if "directed" would get up and go home. But that's just my opinion.

Over all, the story is good. The plot is a little thin. You should have made it more clear this was a regular meeting. The characters could have been developed a little more, but this worked.

You are on the right track with this story. Keep it up, you'll get lots better as time goes on. If I could tell you anything at all, I would say think about your reader, not the story. It seems like I was trying to keep up with the action so the flow was a little fast.

Good story. Look forward to the next one.

JJ

I agree with most of your points regarding this story, JJ. The only area where I must respectfully disagree is the whole "directed" thing. If I'm really hot and bothered for a woman, she is free to "direct" me to fuck her in the ass any time she likes! The word may be a bit strong, but in my own experience the moments just before and during anal sex can be pretty intense, and the urgent insistence implied by "directed" is more likely to increase a man's arousal rather than send him packing.

Good story, FairMaiden. With a bit of polish, it could be great.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I agree with most of your points regarding this story, JJ. The only area where I must respectfully disagree is the whole "directed" thing. If I'm really hot and bothered for a woman, she is free to "direct" me to fuck her in the ass any time she likes! The word may be a bit strong, but in my own experience the moments just before and during anal sex can be pretty intense, and the urgent insistence implied by "directed" is more likely to increase a man's arousal rather than send him packing.

Good story, FairMaiden. With a bit of polish, it could be great.

Sorry, Don...

In the heat of passion, one does not direct. One begs, cajouls, pleads, etc. But one does not direct.

If this were a BDSM story with the master torturing orgasims out of his sub or some such, HE might direct, but that is the only scinerio where the word would work.

 

[sensorotika]

Nice

I liked the story, it does move a little too quickly, especially in the beginning.

 

[FairMaiden]

Thanks for all the feedback so far guys
I'm really pleased as it is my first ever attempt and in all honesty it didnt take that long to write.
As for the whole 'directed' thing I seriously think that is all down to what experiences you have had and your own opinion. Even tho in the story Anthony is not really portrayed as submissive there are definately men that would love to be 'directed' in the heat of passion - trust me
Its the moment that tips him over the edge and stops him holding back any longer after holding back for so long.
You are probably right that it moves a little too fast, I think the reason I did this is because I wanted people to get into the action straight away and not just turn to another story instead. However maybe I got the balance wrong and paced it slightly too fast!!
Thanks again and keep your comments coming - can only make my writing better after all.
FM

 

[sensorotika]

Quickly into the action

It's a fine line between the thing a writer must do, which is draw the reader into the story quickly, and must not do, which is move the story too quickly. Stephen King is a writer who I would categorize as one with good concepts and often too rapid pacing. It's obvious that he writes entire books very quickly. This contributes to why people love to read his books but he is not really thought of as a great writer.

Since he's wildly successful, it's unlikely he will change his style, but if he just slowed his pace a bit he might fix a lot of the eye-rolling things that people love to point out about his work. I'd say that in the case of your story, yes, people want to get to the sexual content, but you have to be careful not to make the reader think of adult porno movies, where the characters don't seem real and suddenly two people are suddenly going at it. Your story isn't that - but we, as readers have to be interested in who the characters are before they jump each other's bones. Good erotic fiction is no different than
any other good fiction - it has fully realized characters and an interesting story often mixed with hot sexuality.

 

[DonFox]

Sorry, Don...

In the heat of passion, one does not direct. One begs, cajouls, pleads, etc. But one does not direct.

If this were a BDSM story with the master torturing orgasims out of his sub or some such, HE might direct, but that is the only scinerio where the word would work.

Wow. So because "one" does not do something, no one does? I guess I missed the meaning of the phrase, "To each their own." My guess is that if you were able to take a survey of a large number of people and they were honest, you would find folks who give commands AND folks who enjoy being commanded during sex. Of course, that's assuming that the word "direct" in this instance even implies a dominating command, as opposed to simply an instruction or an indication of a specific desire. I have directed a sex partner before... that is to say, I have told them what I want them to do in a way which does not leave any room for misinterpretation or doubt. I have also been told what to do, and I have complied because that is what the person I was with wanted.

The word "direct" can be used in many ways, and several of them are applicable to non-BDSM sex scenarios. "She asked me where it felt best and I directed her to the spot."; "He directed her to bend over the arm of the sofa."; "She directed him into the bedroom and he did not resist." The word does not necessarily connotate barking an order at someone, and even if it did in this particular context, it's a bit presumptuous to assume that no one on Earth behaves that way or likes to be treated in that way during sex. It is not editorially incorrect to use the verb "direct" in a story if that's what the character is doing, and it seems rather outside the scope of editorial feedback to make the generalization that no one does such a thing during moments of intimacy.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Wow. So because "one" does not do something, no one does? I guess I missed the meaning of the phrase, "To each their own." My guess is that if you were able to take a survey of a large number of people and they were honest, you would find folks who give commands AND folks who enjoy being commanded during sex. Of course, that's assuming that the word "direct" in this instance even implies a dominating command, as opposed to simply an instruction or an indication of a specific desire. I have directed a sex partner before... that is to say, I have told them what I want them to do in a way which does not leave any room for misinterpretation or doubt. I have also been told what to do, and I have complied because that is what the person I was with wanted.

The word "direct" can be used in many ways, and several of them are applicable to non-BDSM sex scenarios. "She asked me where it felt best and I directed her to the spot."; "He directed her to bend over the arm of the sofa."; "She directed him into the bedroom and he did not resist." The word does not necessarily connotate barking an order at someone, and even if it did in this particular context, it's a bit presumptuous to assume that no one on Earth behaves that way or likes to be treated in that way during sex. It is not editorially incorrect to use the verb "direct" in a story if that's what the character is doing, and it seems rather outside the scope of editorial feedback to make the generalization that no one does such a thing during moments of intimacy.

You need to go back and reread that line. Then you need to learn how to NOT confuse a critical note from starting an argument. Your ego is far to large to do anything but argue. Critical review is far beyond you. And your sentence structure is childish.

Since you have seen fit to turn this thread into your person BITCH, I'm done with you. No wonder you writing gets bad reviews.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Wow. So because "one" does not do something, no one does? I guess I missed the meaning of the phrase, "To each their own." My guess is that if you were able to take a survey of a large number of people and they were honest, you would find folks who give commands AND folks who enjoy being commanded during sex. Of course, that's assuming that the word "direct" in this instance even implies a dominating command, as opposed to simply an instruction or an indication of a specific desire. I have directed a sex partner before... that is to say, I have told them what I want them to do in a way which does not leave any room for misinterpretation or doubt. I have also been told what to do, and I have complied because that is what the person I was with wanted.

The word "direct" can be used in many ways, and several of them are applicable to non-BDSM sex scenarios. "She asked me where it felt best and I directed her to the spot."; "He directed her to bend over the arm of the sofa."; "She directed him into the bedroom and he did not resist." The word does not necessarily connotate barking an order at someone, and even if it did in this particular context, it's a bit presumptuous to assume that no one on Earth behaves that way or likes to be treated in that way during sex. It is not editorially incorrect to use the verb "direct" in a story if that's what the character is doing, and it seems rather outside the scope of editorial feedback to make the generalization that no one does such a thing during moments of intimacy.

You need to go back and reread that line. Then you need to learn how to NOT confuse a critical note from starting an argument. Your ego is far to large to do anything but argue. Critical review is far beyond you. And your sentence structure is childish.

Since you have seen fit to turn this thread into your person BITCH, I'm done with you. No wonder you writing gets bad reviews.

It never occured to you that this board is here to help the new writers, such as yourself, an not some place where you can act out our domineering bullshit. If you want to do that, go to the AH and be eaten alive. Then we'll throw the leftovers to the animals in the GB.

Otherwise, leave the newbies alone until you learn how to act in here.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

It was the nicest cock she had ever had the fortune to have and she always paid it as much attention as it deserved.

Sorry, I giggled. I have never had the fortune to have a cock, but I would definitely pay it a lot of attention if I did.

I liked the story but, like the others, felt it was racing too fast for me to keep up. A bit more about the characters, a bit of changing gears would have been nice.

Still, for a first time it was impressive and I look forward to more of your stories. You deserve the pink square.