Feedback anyone?

[Scandilove]

Hi all,

I've ended up posting request for feedback in a couple of other threads by mistake, apologies for that.

This is a link to my first chapter and I would love to hear comments and observations from those so inclined https://www.literotica.com/s/queens-gambit-ch-01. It's a story told over four short chapters (2/3 lit pages) of overlapping lives in London. Ch.1 has just been approved and I'm editing chapter two at the moment.

Ch.2 is written from another character's perspective but an early draft continues from Matt's perspective. What are people's opinions on the two options?

Also, apologies for the mistakes in my author's note. I hope this wouldn't put too many people off continuing to the story.

Thanks

 

[8letters]

Warning - my feedback is going to be mainly what I think could be improved in the story. So it will be mostly negative, probably harsh.

My thoughts;
* Your writing is excellent. Nice style and your characters come across realistically and with depth
* Really slow
* To me, a short story should start just before something interesting happens. You start yours with a prolonged scene on a night bus that gives us some information about Matt but doesn't do much to advance the story
* Time spent with Mia, Toby and Charlotte seem wasted. They don't seem to advance the story
* So well into the story, the plot begins - Matt decides to hire a part-time maid. Why not start with that?
* Sorona is an interesting character. I could see an interesting story being written about Matt developing a relationship with her
* The interview was odd to me. Could be just me. 45 minutes spent learning the life story of a possible maid? You want to know some background, but that seemed excessive
* The sex in the shower scene did nothing for me. Just a random sex scene that had nothing to do with the plot or the chemistry developing between the characters
* At the end, I'm not sure where the story is going to go. Are the subsequent chapters going to be steadily hotter interviews with prospective house cleaners? Or is it going to be continuing the story line with Sorona? How does Mia fit into the story line?
* For a three page story, not much happened

 

[KayceeCharles]

My main complaint is there is no "hook". A ride in a bus with a guy doing MJ impression and a lot of lewd comments doesn't make me want to read the rest of it. I understand you can't start with explosions and gore and death, but WHY should we pay attention to your MMC and FMC? You have to hook us early.

I sense no major problems with your sentences, descriptions and such. Your "structure", however, seems to need some work.

 

[Scandilove]

8letters

Thank you for the feedback, I think your comments are fair.

I also appreciate the praise for my writing. Having never had anything critiqued it's reassuring.

I wonder whether I should've posted two chapters as one? My tendency is definitely towards the slower build-up but the second chapter builds on the first and we learn more about the characters and how their lives cross. Matt's story arc is one a few that overlap.

With regard to my sex scene, I struggled with that. Did it do nothing for you because it isn't hot or because you found it random and not adding to the story? Or both?

Thanks.

 

[Scandilove]

Kc

My main complaint is there is no "hook". A ride in a bus with a guy doing MJ impression and a lot of lewd comments doesn't make me want to read the rest of it. I understand you can't start with explosions and gore and death, but WHY should we pay attention to your MMC and FMC? You have to hook us early.

I sense no major problems with your sentences, descriptions and such. Your "structure", however, seems to need some work.

Thanks KC. A fair comment.

Did you read on or did you give up there because of the lack of hook? It isn't clear.

 

[8letters]

I wonder whether I should've posted two chapters as one? My tendency is definitely towards the slower build-up but the second chapter builds on the first and we learn more about the characters and how their lives cross. Matt's story arc is one a few that overlap.

It's hard to say because I don't know what your second chapter is and how your story is going to go. It also about your style - you may naturally write a more leisurely style than what I write and that's okay.

My guess is that you need to get us moving down the plot arc more quickly. I.e. Who’s going to fuck who? After three pages, I don’t think Matt is going to fuck Mia. He might fuck Sorona, might not. He might fuck a character we haven’t met yet. I’m not emotionally involved with the story as I don’t know who to be emotionally involved with. Once the plot lines have been introduced, then you can take the time to flesh out the characters and provide local color.

With regard to my sex scene, I struggled with that. Did it do nothing for you because it isn't hot or because you found it random and not adding to the story? Or both?

I find all dream/fantasy scenes boring. Your story is essentially my wish fulfillment. I want to seduce and fuck the busty Sorona and your character allows me to virtually do it. I can have fantasies about being in the shower with a naked woman on my own. Personally, I’d fantasize about taking a shower with Katy Perry.

 

[sr71plt]

I understand you can't start with explosions and gore and death,

Ummm, that's exactly what best-sellers having been doing for a few decades.

My only comment to the OP is that you don't assess a painting by a fourth of the canvas, so you're not going to get a good assessment on why this happened or why you spent so much time on this until/unless the reviewer has access to the whole. So, if you're only posting a small portion of the whole for assessment, maybe you should target your questions to what specifically has been given and responders should stick to those points.

 

[KayceeCharles]

Ummm, that's exactly what best-sellers having been doing for a few decades. (open with explosions and gore and death)

In a romance/erotica? That'd be interesting to read.

 

[sr71plt]

In a romance/erotica? That'd be interesting to read.

Perhaps you need to read more then.

 

[KayceeCharles]

Thanks KC. A fair comment.

Did you read on or did you give up there because of the lack of hook? It isn't clear.

I did read all of it. It just didn't hook me.

There are two advice given to writers that had been true for every long time: "get in late and out early", and "every scene has a purpose".

What is the purpose of your intro, as most of it wasn't even about the MMC, just stuff around him, something as transitory as a bus's interior and its passengers? So he's embarrassed at looking, somewhat frustrated from his date with Mia. But that does the whole scene really tell us about Matt?

Almost NOTHING other than he's a good listener.

Let's go into motivations for a bit though. Later Matt interviews Sorana with halting English, who's supposed to be only couple hours a week, and suddenly just looking at her his imagine went wild with a shower fantasy with her. Must be having some serious blueballs.

I don't see any MENTAL BUILD-UP to that. He's 36, as you said. he probably shouldn't be daydreaming about every woman that he comes in close contact with. Or Does he? He didn't do it with that woman in the bus. He did do it with Mia, at least a little just before sleep, but it's just visualizing her undies.

So why Sorana for a full sex fantasy?

 

[Scandilove]

Kc

I did read all of it. It just didn't hook me.

There are two advice given to writers that had been true for every long time: "get in late and out early", and "every scene has a purpose".

What is the purpose of your intro, as most of it wasn't even about the MMC, just stuff around him, something as transitory as a bus's interior and its passengers? So he's embarrassed at looking, somewhat frustrated from his date with Mia. But that does the whole scene really tell us about Matt?

Almost NOTHING other than he's a good listener.

Let's go into motivations for a bit though. Later Matt interviews Sorana with halting English, who's supposed to be only couple hours a week, and suddenly just looking at her his imagine went wild with a shower fantasy with her. Must be having some serious blueballs.

I don't see any MENTAL BUILD-UP to that. He's 36, as you said. he probably shouldn't be daydreaming about every woman that he comes in close contact with. Or Does he? He didn't do it with that woman in the bus. He did do it with Mia, at least a little just before sleep, but it's just visualizing her undies.

So why Sorana for a full sex fantasy?

Hey KC, thanks again for your comments.

I appreciate the intro doesn't tell us a great deal about Matt and by the sounds of things that's frustrating as you don't care enough about him. It's interesting because I wanted to see what Matt sees and describe that a bit. But of course I know who Matt is. The reader doesn't so your point has some validity.

With regards to Sorana, it's common to interview cleaners in the UK, especially if they're from overseas. Not sure what it's like in the States. I appreciate the point that I may not have built up to the sex scene enough. There's another thread on here where I ask for advice about how soon sex scenes should be introduced. I kind of shoehorned it in in the end but I felt it was in keeping with Matt's visual nature. Also, there was some flirtation and build up, perhaps not enough though.

I love hearing the thoughts of others so thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

 

[KayceeCharles]

You said Matt is a visual guy. So why didn't you show that in the bus?

Did he imagine the OTHER women in the bus naked?

You have to give us hints and hooks to hook us early. You have to tease us about Matt's wound/trauma, about what he desires in life.

You seem to imply there is a long ways to go, but the comment stands: what are you trying to tell us about Matt? THEN we can evaluate it for how well you accomplished your intent.

 

[Scandilove]

You said Matt is a visual guy. So why didn't you show that in the bus?

Did he imagine the OTHER women in the bus naked?

You have to give us hints and hooks to hook us early. You have to tease us about Matt's wound/trauma, about what he desires in life.

You seem to imply there is a long ways to go, but the comment stands: what are you trying to tell us about Matt? THEN we can evaluate it for how well you accomplished your intent.

I feel like I did hint at him being visual - he eyes two women from the bus, he later fantasies about them, along with Mia. Then there is the other imagery, peering through imaginary binoculars, replaying the images on his internal projector, rewinding and zooming in. I feel like there's enough to suggest he's pretty visual but I'm prepared to accept it might be too subtle for some.

You are right in that there might not be enough of an initial hook to draw people in enough to care about Matt. I can understand why readers might want more. I can think about that as I edit Ch.2.

Thanks

 

[hadruprider]

I think it's very good. Better than the comments here imply.
Can you turn on your PMs in your profile settings?
You have caught the late night city drunken atmosphere. You've done what I suggested and like, delaying actual sex but building up with the sexual hints and the sex in his head.
I do agree with the criticisms of the start, lack of hook - there is not much in the first few lines to make the reader want to continue. The end is a bit weak as well - there isn't really a punch-line, twist or cliff-hanger.
I like the idea of a narrator switch for ch 2. I am doing that in a story I am drafting.
Happy to discuss more with you but prefer privately by PM.

 

[8letters]

If I was going to re-write chapter one, I'd do this:
* Start with Matt deciding to hire a part-time maid
* He does an interview with Sorana. It's shorter this time - 15 minutes. Reuses a lot of the dialogue from the story. Sticks to her cleaning experience, her references, her current living situation. Some of it as they walk through the house. She says one or two things that might be interpreted as innuendo
* A quick summary of the other interviews. Matt decides to hire Sorana because she seemed smarter and more capable than the other candidates. He admits to himself that the fact she's attractive was a factor
* Charlotte sets Matt up with a date with Mia
* Sorana comes over for the first cleaning. Matt stays with her the whole time to give her instruction on what he wants done. There's a lot of time spent getting to know each other. She makes a number of comments that could be interpreted as sexually suggestive
* Matt goes out on date with Mia. It's a good date
* Matt on rides on the night-bus. While various antics go on around him, he thinks about Sorana and Mia. Is Sorana really coming on to him? Does he want Sorana to come on to him? Should he pursue Mia while things are ambiguous with Sorana? What the hell does he want in life?

 

[Scandilove]

I think it's very good. Better than the comments here imply.
Can you turn on your PMs in your profile settings?
You have caught the late night city drunken atmosphere. You've done what I suggested and like, delaying actual sex but building up with the sexual hints and the sex in his head.
I do agree with the criticisms of the start, lack of hook - there is not much in the first few lines to make the reader want to continue. The end is a bit weak as well - there isn't really a punch-line, twist or cliff-hanger.
I like the idea of a narrator switch for ch 2. I am doing that in a story I am drafting.
Happy to discuss more with you but prefer privately by PM.

Thanks Hadruprider. PM's now on, would be happy yo discuss your observations.

 

[Scandilove]

If I was going to re-write chapter one, I'd do this:
* Start with Matt deciding to hire a part-time maid
* He does an interview with Sorana. It's shorter this time - 15 minutes. Reuses a lot of the dialogue from the story. Sticks to her cleaning experience, her references, her current living situation. Some of it as they walk through the house. She says one or two things that might be interpreted as innuendo
* A quick summary of the other interviews. Matt decides to hire Sorana because she seemed smarter and more capable than the other candidates. He admits to himself that the fact she's attractive was a factor
* Charlotte sets Matt up with a date with Mia
* Sorana comes over for the first cleaning. Matt stays with her the whole time to give her instruction on what he wants done. There's a lot of time spent getting to know each other. She makes a number of comments that could be interpreted as sexually suggestive
* Matt goes out on date with Mia. It's a good date
* Matt on rides on the night-bus. While various antics go on around him, he thinks about Sorana and Mia. Is Sorana really coming on to him? Does he want Sorana to come on to him? Should he pursue Mia while things are ambiguous with Sorana? What the hell does he want in life?

My early drafts aren't too dissimilar to your suggestion. My first draft for instance begins with me explaining why I'd put off getting a cleaner, before putting the ad up and continuing with the story. Maybe I hadn't done it very well but that way round left my characters feeling a bit thin. Also, there's no guarantee Sorana will be hired

But the overall point is valid - my structure could be played around with to be tighter and to give the reader more upfront.

 

[KayceeCharles]

Alternate idea:

Matt riding home.

Watches woman in front, imagined for a few seconds.

Woman noticed, gave him nasty look.

He quickly looked down to his phone, saw Mia as wallpaper, had thoughts about her.

Banished that as he can't sit like that with a hard on. He flipped to make a call to thank Mia, came across Sorana's number.

Can't help to remember her face. her cute smile. Her promise to "take care of you".

Then suddenly he had a full-on fantasy about making love to her in the shower.

Suddenly the bus stopped, bringing him back to present, and he felt guilty. Why was he thinking sexy thoughts about a girl he barely knew, and not about his GF?

Almost missed his stop.

He went to sleep with trouble thoughts.

By compressing all of the action into the bus ride itself, we can keep most of your excellent descriptions about London evening bus ride, while incorporating the idea that Matt's an imaginative guy, not always at the right time. And he needs to figure out what sort of girl he really wants.

 

[Scandilove]

Alternate idea:

Matt riding home.

Watches woman in front, imagined for a few seconds.

Woman noticed, gave him nasty look.

He quickly looked down to his phone, saw Mia as wallpaper, had thoughts about her.

Banished that as he can't sit like that with a hard on. He flipped to make a call to thank Mia, came across Sorana's number.

Can't help to remember her face. her cute smile. Her promise to "take care of you".

Then suddenly he had a full-on fantasy about making love to her in the shower.

Suddenly the bus stopped, bringing him back to present, and he felt guilty. Why was he thinking sexy thoughts about a girl he barely knew, and not about his GF?

Almost missed his stop.

He went to sleep with trouble thoughts.

By compressing all of the action into the bus ride itself, we can keep most of your excellent descriptions about London evening bus ride, while incorporating the idea that Matt's an imaginative guy, not always at the right time. And he needs to figure out what sort of girl he really wants.

Thanks KC. Some interesting ideas there.