Fear of abandonment

[Ziggy*stardust]

I have a huge fear of abandonment. It started when I was a little girl. My mother was very ill and she almost passed away a couple of times. Now my fear of abandonment is putting a dark shade over things that should be happy in my life. I can’t seem to fully enjoy things because I think that they will be taken from me anyway. It is a fact of life that people pass away at one point but why do I always have to remind myself of that every time I am having a nice time with someone?

The worst fear I have over my husband/Master/Daddy. Even when he leaves for 10 minutes to get something in the store a few streets away from the house, I get this huge fear over me that something awful will happen to him.
When we have a nice and romantic evening or anything else pleasant, I keep thinking about when the day will come that everything will be over and then the whole moment becomes sad for me.

I have tried (and still try) meditating. While it did help me relax more and it is making me grow more internally, it did not take the fear away.

Are there others here that have (or had) the same problem? What did you do?


stardust

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Not to squelch your enthusiasm, but ...

This thread, "Abandonment and BDSM" probably holds the answers you seek.

 

[Ziggy*stardust]

Re: Not to squelch your enthusiasm, but ...

This thread, "Abandonment and BDSM" probably holds the answers you seek.

I have read this thread, thank you. It has nothing to do with what I am talking about nor does it contain anything helpful.

I was speaking of an intense and irrational fear that is in my mind all the time. The fear of something bad happening to the people I love and the fear of things being taken away from me when they make me happy. I was certainly not talking about any sexual games.

I guess the word abandonment was poorly chosen by me. I should have said fear of losing someone or something instead.

My question was if anyone has had similar experiences and what did they do to make those feelings go away.

stardust

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Not to squelch your enthusiasm, but ...

I have read this thread, thank you. It has nothing to do with what I am talking about nor does it contain anything helpful.

That thread had several twists and turns. My mistake in thinking this

But most heavily submissive people I know are strongly relational. I mean, relationships with other people are extremely important to them and they invest a lot of themselves into these relationships ... if there's nothing or no one to contradict that feeling (and even sometimes when there is), they can plunge into severe, incapacitating, and sometimes suicidal depressions. I've seen up close and personal all these things I'm generalizing about ...

had anything to do with what you asked, and my apologies for suggesting otherwise.

 

[PyroDemon]

Originally posted by Ziggy*stardust

The worst fear I have over my husband/Master/Daddy. Even when he leaves for 10 minutes to get something in the store a few streets away from the house, I get this huge fear over me that something awful will happen to him.
When we have a nice and romantic evening or anything else pleasant, I keep thinking about when the day will come that everything will be over and then the whole moment becomes sad for me.

I have tried (and still try) meditating. While it did help me relax more and it is making me grow more internally, it did not take the fear away.

Are there others here that have (or had) the same problem? What did you do?


stardust

Fear....we all know it, we all have experienced it in one form or another. Yours is not uncommon and is one I am sure alot on Lit share with you. I take it this is not a fear of losing someone emotionally but physically as in death? You are not afraid of losing someone to another or to them wanting space but to them dieing? First way to find out how to deal with fear or a phobia is to define what it is you are afraid of and understand it's affects on you.
There is an old saying that we are only given two guarantees in life. To pay taxes and to one day die. When it is our time, there is not alot we an do about it. Sure. modern medicine and such supposedly prolongs ot saves lifes, but who is to say it was not mean't to be that way by some higher force or the hands of fate? Do we really save them or simply was it not their time to go?
I am dealing with this issue on a number of levels myself also. I recently lost my Grandmother just last week ( she was 90 and lived a long life), she was most instrumental in my upbringing and the loss is hard to explain. At this time, my wife is sick and the possibility of it being life threatening is great. So in alot of ways I understand how you feel.
How do I or have I dealt with this ? For me it has all come down to the belief life is not ours to make( there is some other force that accomplishes that), should not be ours to take, and that when we are called to whatever is beyond this mortal plane, then it is our time and we can only be happy that this life is past and a new one is beginning. I know, it does not help when you panic because someone does not call when they agree to or are fifteen minutes late from the corner store. But you cannot do anything about life , all you can do is accept the realities, deal with the results, and go on till it is your turn to move on.
Of course these are my opinions and like assholes everyone has one. Today is probably not the best day to reply to this post as I am going to the hospital to lend support to my wife while she undergoes an exam to determine her health and prognosis. Think I am scared? Hell yeah, shaking in my boots over it. And all my thinking that it is out of my hands does no good right now. So who am I to say anything?

 

[dolf]

i understand how you feel hon.
my mother had cancer when i was very young and i was left with her boyfriend while she was in hospital. i've reacted a slightly different way (i've never let myself close enough for abandonment to be a serious issue) but it stems from the same fears.

have you considered counselling?...if it is having such a huge effect on you then perhaps you owe it to yourself to try it {oh the hypocrite!...i never seek help myself } i don't think there is ever a quick fix in these situations

i try not to see death as a final parting, i think those we love watch over us and wait for us. i don't know what beliefs you have but looking at it this way means that i don't fear it the same way.

wishing you luck and sending some good thoughts your way.
xx

 

[dolf]

PyroDemon, just wanted to say that i'm sorry for your loss and i hope that your wife gets better soon
xx

 

[spankableBelle]

I don't have anything new to add, but, I know the pain you speak of...it's a mindset, it's more than a thought...it's a deeply rooted gut feeling, sick feeling...irrational or not, it's there, a part of you for so very long. Medication doesn't help, therapy doesn't help...I don't know what does. It's not a self-confidence thing or low self-esteem thing...but it's uncontrollable, and this sort of fear doesn't go away when talked to and affirmed with positive thoughts.

I'm sorry that you go through this. Feel free to contact me if you just need to talk...

Belle

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

PyroDemon said many wise words.

For me it has all come down to the belief life is not ours to make (there is some other force that accomplishes that), should not be ours to take, and that when we are called to whatever is beyond this mortal plane, then it is our time and we can only be happy that this life is past and a new one is beginning.

Unrational fear can be such a disabling emotion that it has the power to cripple us from really feeling, almost to the point of feeling unattached to the one we love. One cannot quite burrow into a real “feeling” relationship because they are scared to really love them and fear they may lose that one love someday and the pain will be so great that they will not be able to function ever again.

I can attest that life indeed, does goes on, and losing someone you love without limit is one of the most hard-hitting things you can ever go through, and yet, I survived to live and love again.

Someone mentioned counseling and that is a very good idea, although I think that talking to your husband/Master/Daddy could help relieve some of these fears also. Is he aware of your feelings? Talking about your past, your fears you experienced in your early life might have some cathartic effect and make things easier to deal with.

 

[Netzach]

I think that's not so much a BDSM issue as a life issue, in general.

I certainly tend to fixate on the idea that all relationships end and the horrible things that could happen to take M from me too soon or make me have to leave him too soon.

There are just things I have no control over and, as a Domme, I want to officially complain about that.

If the fears and feelings persist, you could be struggling with depression, and I think talking to your partner and talking to a professional might alleviate some of it. I've been there, a lot of people on these boards have. It has helped me a lot, mostly by way of acceptance that my control is limited, and we're here to enjoy what we can while we have it.

 

[Guest]

 

[LadyG]

Wonderful advice, Foxy!

You should be able to talk to your Dominant about anything that is worrying you and work it through together.

If not, maybe counselling is the answer.

Either way, best of luck to you

 

[Ziggy*stardust]

I take it this is not a fear of losing someone emotionally but physically as in death? You are not afraid of losing someone to another or to them wanting space but to them dieing?

Yes, that’s what I meant. I am very confident that my Master will not leave me as in packing his things and going somewhere else. We are happily married and have been together for 7 years. I am speaking of him (and other loved ones) leaving me because they pass away.

I know that death is part of life and I know there is nothing you can do but accept it. The problem I seem to have is that I have this compulsive behavior of having to remind myself of that constantly, when something good is happening. It just makes happy moments sad if you know what I mean.

My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. She was 90 years old also. Like yours, she lived a full life and positively influenced me in several areas of my life. I will miss her. I wish you much strength in getting through the pain of losing her. I also wish you and your wife all the best and I hope she will be better soon.

have you considered counselling

I have been to a therapist and while it did gave me the cause of it (my mother’s illness when I was little), it did not help me to get rid of it.

I know the pain you speak of...it's a mindset, it's more than a thought...it's a deeply rooted gut feeling, sick feeling...irrational or not, it's there, a part of you for so very long. Medication doesn't help, therapy doesn't help...I don't know what does. It's not a self-confidence thing or low self-esteem thing...but it's uncontrollable, and this sort of fear doesn't go away when talked to and affirmed with positive thoughts.

You have put it exactly into words! That’s the feeling I was speaking of.

You are right, nothing really seems to help. I know it is a fact that everyone eventually dies, I know there is nothing that I can do about it, I know I should just enjoy what I have while I have it but it still doesn’t make the feeling go away. It’s not a confidence problem and it doesn’t make me depressed either. It just kind of ruins happy moments and it would be very nice if I could make it go away somehow.

I think that talking to your husband/Master/Daddy could help relieve some of these fears also. Is he aware of your feelings? Talking about your past, your fears you experienced in your early life might have some cathartic effect and make things easier to deal with.

In our relationship we believe that a slave has to be completely transparent towards her owner and so I talk about it with him often. He suggested posting it here to perhaps find others with the same problems. I see that I am not the only one. Funny how you can sometimes think that you’re the only person on the planet feeling a certain way.


I very much appreciate all the reactions I received. Thank you.


stardust

 

[Bandit58]

Yes, that’s what I meant. I am very confident that my Master will not leave me as in packing his things and going somewhere else. We are happily married and have been together for 7 years. I am speaking of him (and other loved ones) leaving me because they pass away.

I know that death is part of life and I know there is nothing you can do but accept it. The problem I seem to have is that I have this compulsive behavior of having to remind myself of that constantly, when something good is happening. It just makes happy moments sad if you know what I mean.


<snip>

stardust

My Master has chronic health problems. He has diabetes and His kidneys have failed. I know that one day He will not be here. We do not know when that day will be, it could be two, ten or twenty years away.

We take the bad days with the good ones. We enjoy the time we have together. I have been with Him for almost 9 months. The most wonderful 9 months of my life. When that dreaded day comes, I will deal with it, until then every day we have together is a precious gift.

Someone sent me these song lyrics, after a particularly bad time when Master was in the hospital:

Live Like You Were Dying
By Tim McGraw

He said, I was in my early 40's
with alot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Lookin' at the x-Rays
Talkin' 'bout the option
and talkin' bout sweet time

I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
How's it hit you
when you get that kinda news, man whatcha do?


CHORUS
-------
He said, I went skydivin'
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foo Man Chu
and I love deeper
and spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness, I'd been denyin'
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying
-------

he said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend
a friend would like to have
and all of the sudden going fishing
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well, I finally read the good book
and I took a good hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

CHORUS

like tomorrow was a gift
and you got eternity
to think about
what to do with it
what could you do with it
what can I do with it
and what would I do with it

skydivin', I went rocky mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Foo Man Chu
and I love deeper
and spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness, I'd been denyin'
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying

 

[PyroDemon]

First of, thanks all of you for your concerns. Bandit, funny how life goes at times. We were listening to that song on the way home from the hospital just today. I seldom listen to country but turned it on and low and behold ole' Tim was a singin'. Things are grim, but you know, not much I can do but be there. One thing I have always liked about you when I have read your posts is your loyalty to your Master knowing the difficulties ahead. Quite commendable.

I was able to talk for awhile with one of the psychiatrists I work with today about this very issue. It seems alot of the women in the groups I am working with share your problem to the point of extreme. She had several suggestions and they all are around the same ones mentioned already. Her most critical one was that those close to you know of this problem and they take steps to help you. By phone calls, possibly letting you call them on a cell often for reassurance, etc. This is a very real disease and falls under various phobias. Like most things what works for one does not for another. But communication and effort by those that you care for is very important.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm nor sure I agree with the thought that therapy can't help.....the essence lies in finding a therapist you connect with and who ideally has some life experience and understanding, and your own desire to let go of this fear which as you say is clouding what could be the happiest time of your life. The basis may have been the illness of your mother in your childhood, but I think it goes deeper than that. It could be as simple as habit, but usually goes deeper in that it feeds another need we have, justifies for us subconsciously another emotion or need we have not acknowledged. Either way, it is very real and is not easy to overcome, but the fact you are questioning it and recognise it for what it is, what it has created in your life, is a great beginning point for recovery and moving forward.

Catalina

 

[bridgeburner]

Right on Catalina. Not all therapies and therapists are created equal.

Ziggy,

It's always portrayed in films that the "moment of truth" when the patient discovers WHY he feels as he does is the moment of healing. This just isn't realistic, but a movie about months or years of on-going therapy would be pretty boring so we get this skewed idea of what therapy does and what it can accomplish. Finding the why is seldom as involved a process as re-training the brain's familiar responses.

Obsessive thoughts about the death of loved ones CAN be helped. You may always have a tendency to dwell on such things, but it doesn't have to run your life. There are medications that help depression and anxiety or perhaps medication wouldn't be useful for you. There are behavioral therapies that differ from traditional pschoanalysis or "talk" therapy.

Behavioral therapy might be most beneficial to you since your problem isn't that you don't know WHY you're afraid but that you can't quit thinking about the worst case scenario. You've got a pattern of thought that you run like a rat on a wheel and what you need to do is to interrupt that thought process and train your mind to seek other avenues.

There are techniques for this that have proven effective for many people. If you try and are unsucessful what have you really lost except some time and effort? This is not a hopeless situation unless you give up.

Best of luck to you.


-B