FAWC You, Two!

[NaokoSmith]

Arboreal Amour

This was a sexy enjoyable story. There is some over-writing, especially at the beginning – words which could be cut out and sentences which could be shorter.

The dialogue was clunky. There was both a sense of these people need to explain themselves (they don’t – it’s a story, they could just go with the magical out in nature, let it all hang outness of it) and they didn’t really explain enough.

[In response to comment - ] I thought the ignorance was going to be about the sacred stones? I was a bit disappointed that Ethan got this 18 year old kid pregnant already, but I know some people find that sexy.

The basket was well used with all the ingredients incorporated. The background was good too, there was a real sense of being in the outdoors camping. Characterisation was well done and believable, although there was a rather sudden switch from the ‘buxom’ Gina to her being simply ‘beautiful’. I thought it would have been nice if she had been insecure about how she looked, as a lot of young women of that age are – ignorant of her own beauties, and reassured by Ethan’s evident admiration. That may be just a personal thing.

- I did think this story had been written by a woman - you clearly have a sensitive touch, Willie , as we all thought your story in FAWC1 had a feminine tone to it.

 

[PennLady]

OMG! What a difficult basket! I can’t believe you even took up the challenge. Sport AND intellect?!!! And sarcasm? Bloody Hell.

LOL, I like the dialogue, I love it when there are sassy female characters. I was a bit *yawn* when Jason picked up the football strategy so quickly; cuz yeah, he is a GUY! he must understand football. But then I suffer a lot from guys who think they know all about rugby and suddenly go Hur hur hur, I bet you looked good in the showers. Uh, sporting woman playing a game that demands peak fitness and rugged muscle, OF COURSE I did *yawn*.

Thanks for the comments. Jaden didn't pick up strategy because he's a guy. He picked it up because he's a quick study, because he can look at things and see how they fit together. That's why I had him say that he was watching the practice to see how it fit the theory that he had read about.

In the original version of this story, the intellectual character was a woman, and she did the same thing. I do think intellect was the toughest ingredient. I had a hard time trying to show this.

I know that academic degrees don't always indicate how smart a person is, but I had to pick something. I have an MA myself (no need or patience for a PhD). But I do think to follow something like biochemistry (or whatever it would be) to that level takes a certain amount of discipline and smarts. I'm no philosopher, or logician, so I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew in that sense. I thought about having the intellectual character (FAWC definition: someone who was really smart) know a lot of stuff about many things, but that's not necessarily being smart. That's just retaining trivia (and boy, do I do that myself).

I wasn’t quite convinced by the background – but this is because I am an academic, it was written well. It’s just that I don’t think academic research labs get company boxes for sports games tee hee. If only! I would’ve liked a little more about what it was like at the game too, the crowd atmosphere etc. Maybe Jason would not have been so interested in the game and strategy but find the crowd atmosphere fun? The cheerleaders <snerk>.

American soccer games don't have cheerleaders, I don't think. Not last I checked, anyway. But it's been a while since I checked. And while I'm not sure, of course, I think it's quite possible that a big company like Abbott Labs would have a box at a local stadium. They'd pay for it, of course, but it would be a perk to entice executives and things like that. It may have been a small stretch -- and perhaps I'll take that out when I go over it -- but I don't think it's unrealistic.

LOL I think I stayed away from too much game description in order not to give myself away. I probably over thought that. Also, I haven't been to an MLS (Major League Soccer) game in over ten years. I didn't have time to research what it's like these days. I kind of miss it, though.

The ending is a bit sharp. It would be nice if they could resolve Kayla’s insecurity some other way than having to talk about it – which is not what happens in real life. Are all the people there academics? Couldn’t Mark’s wife have a little bitch about how boring it is hearing all these chemists go on about blahdiblah? ...

All reasonable suggestions, and perhaps things I can work into a rewrite. There's a lot I could have done, and wanted to do, but the time limit prevented it.

 

[PennLady]

This was a sexy enjoyable story. There is some over-writing, especially at the beginning – words which could be cut out and sentences which could be shorter.

This was sexy (Arboreal Amour), and I thought used the ingredients pretty well.

My biggest problem, I think, was that the woman was inconsistent. As sr71 mentioned, even though she was 18, she often acted older. To me, at the same time, she often acted less experienced than I thought she would be. I think the main reason for that was a line about her having gotten out of a sexual relationship and maybe something implying she'd had a few (sorry, I'd have to look that up) relationships.

I realize at that age, even multiple relationships don't mean tons of knowledge, but even so, she seemed to go between a giggly ignorant virgin and a reasonably informed person, whatever the story called for.

Still, I liked the setting and the descriptions. The raven thing I'm not so sure about. My mind kept going ahead -- had the exchanged names? Was she going to be a single mom with no support? Sorry. I get too realistic sometimes.

Also, I linked the ignorance with the girl, although the fact that they were both ignorant of larger plans was an neat approach to that as well.

 

[patientlee]

Uh-oh. I think I'm next.

Unless you've jetted off for baklava, your critique will be longer than my story! C'mon Naoko! I can take it. Lay it on me.

 

[TE999]

Tantalisingly not giving details of the animalistic sex! I agree with the commentators that the basket ingredients weren’t really an integral part of the story. I did wonder if the story had been written ahead of the basket being received, but I see from T999's post that this wasn't the case.

The writing is tight and the format was a fun idea and well done.

Thanks for the compliments, Naoko, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Admittedly I didn't elaborate on the baskets contents, but only mentioned them in context. Further exposition in that regard would have disrupted the format and the plotting.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Be Awesome

Poor Patientlee - she's going to fall off the monument where she's been sitting! It has been a real rough rollercoaster day but I hear her plea so I'll just post this quickly.

That was a good story and good use of the basket ingredients. Zamboni! Nice one, LOL.

At the time I read it, I did think: this is a guy’s story. Hockey, hot sporty girls together but – she’s not really gay. I thought the lesbian relationships were well depicted, it’s just that I know a couple of guys who write surprisingly good lesbian stuff (e.g. LaRascasse).

I loved the ending when the parents assumed she was gay and were cool with it, and she’d been so worried always!

I liked how the story explored the difference between playful spanking and actual abuse. It reminded me how in FAWC1 there were a couple of stories which looked at the BD world and considered issues about power and control in a way that was intriguing but didn’t intrude into the story and make it an ABC on Relationships Textbook.

And hey, this story was safe sex! I can review it on my blog!


ETA: I 'got' the title, and liked it.

 

[Saxon_Hart]

I haven't seen any review on mine, and I have to say I am glad. I almost didn't submit it. My basket ingredients were vehicle, envy, beverage and the one I most dreaded of all of the ingredients: intellect. Envy was easy. I already had part of this story written. I knew where it was going, but I hadn't come to grips with how I was going to get the characters there. Then here comes the basket with "envy" as an ingredient and I said "Fuck!"
The central idea of the original story was a woman who wanted the wild life that her co-workers had, or that she thought they had so it took no tweaking at all to make her fit. I had also been toying with the idea of using Juhn Conlee's song as the basis for a story and it served well to get this one underway.
I did feel stupid trying to meet the vehicle requirement, it felt forced and since one of the commentors pointed it out it must have read that way as well. I also felt stupid having them drink wine every damn time drinking was required but it didn't feel as forced as the Prius' inclusions did.
Intellectual....I still am not sure if I pulled this ingredient off or not. Peter as the love interest of the envious Silvia was prime to push off as an art writer. I tried to make him seem smart without having to get too in depth with him. I must have read a thousand definitions of "intellectual" trying to get a feel for how to portray this ingredient. I can write folk with lower intelligence than I have, but not higher.
In the middle of writing this I had to spend three days sitting in the hospital at my son's bedside. He'd OD'd and it wasn't very fun. He was stoned off his ass though and enjoyed portions of it, but my head wasn't in the game. When he was out of the woods I pushed and finished the story.
I have pulled the story and am re-writing it. I will re submit it under it's original title "Sylvia" in the near future. I have a lot of depth I need to add and I have a shit load of Priuszsz to scrap.

 

[patientlee]

Poor Patientlee - she's going to fall off the monument where she's been sitting! It has been a real rough rollercoaster day but I hear her plea so I'll just post this quickly.

That was a good story and good use of the basket ingredients. Zamboni! Nice one, LOL.

At the time I read it, I did think: this is a guy’s story. Hockey, hot sporty girls together but – she’s not really gay. I thought the lesbian relationships were well depicted, it’s just that I know a couple of guys who write surprisingly good lesbian stuff (e.g. LaRascasse).

I loved the ending when the parents assumed she was gay and were cool with it, and she’d been so worried always!

I liked how the story explored the difference between playful spanking and actual abuse. It reminded me how in FAWC1 there were a couple of stories which looked at the BD world and considered issues about power and control in a way that was intriguing but didn’t intrude into the story and make it an ABC on Relationships Textbook.

And hey, this story was safe sex! I can review it on my blog!


ETA: I 'got' the title, and liked it.

I was totally kidding. I just thought mine was next in alphabetical order, and I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to use the word "baklava".

Truthfully, I didn't care for my story so much. Minutes after I submitted it, I steeled myself for harsh criticism based on my own feelings about the story.

It is really nice of you to spend so much of your time reading and giving feedback. I read all of the stories, but to comment like you have done is so much like work, I just didn't get to it. School starts tomorrow.

Ho hum.

Thank you!

 

[damppanties]

School starts tomorrow.

School started yesterday.

 

[patientlee]

School started yesterday.

Actually, we just have 2 days of inservice this week. The kids come on Monday. Tomorrow is the ultrafun day when we listen to the superintendent talk about amazing we all are and how he'll be visiting our classrooms 4 times as much this year as he has in the past.

I'm no math teacher, but I'm pretty sure that 4 x 0 is still 0.

I miss summer already.

 

[damppanties]

Actually, we just have 2 days of inservice this week. The kids come on Monday. Tomorrow is the ultrafun day when we listen to the superintendent talk about amazing we all are and how he'll be visiting our classrooms 4 times as much this year as he has in the past.

I'm no math teacher, but I'm pretty sure that 4 x 0 is still 0.

I miss summer already.

I sat through an entire day of that yesterday. More of it on Thursday and Friday. We have a week long 'orientation'... isn't it fun! Want to kill myself. And, yep, I actually start teaching on Monday too.

 

[PennLady]

I sat through an entire day of that yesterday. More of it on Thursday and Friday. We have a week long 'orientation'... isn't it fun! Want to kill myself. And, yep, I actually start teaching on Monday too.

I'm grateful that in a couple of weeks, my kids (both!) will be in school. Ah, a little quiet time.

I'm also quite grateful for the teachers who teach them.

 

[NaokoSmith]

I'm grateful that in a couple of weeks, my kids (both!) will be in school. Ah, a little quiet time.

I'm also quite grateful for the teachers who teach them.

I wasn't very grateful last year when I had to go in three times and whup the teacher's ass for calling my child lazy and shouting at her! I left her whimpering in the corridor on my last visit, LOL.

But this year I have been assured my child will have a decent teacher and I can't wait to get some time back in which to do more reviewing! speaking of which ... Saxon_Hart, you are next .

(LOL, how appropriate that devilicon is to the baddest motherfucker in the valley - and because I am going to trash your terrible story! seriously.)

 

[NaokoSmith]

Friday Night Blues

Saxon, I am really sorry to hear what was happening in your life. I'm glad that by the sound of it your son is much better.

I understand now how you managed to produce this story. When I saw you were the author, my jaw hit the floor. Cuz for your FAWC1 you brought out a story with lots of wit and sparkle, loads of hilarious and sexy sex. Your FAWC1 made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

And this one was pants! (Not in a good way, LOL.)

This is what I wrote about it. I was being kind but now I don't have to cuz you know I loved your FAWC1, and I think you could use the criticism.

I did find this one difficult to get along with. Not much of a Loving Wives fan! and it felt as if we were just being taken along to the inevitable story ending – bit improbable that her co-worker would marry her ex without her knowing about it. The writing was slick but I have to agree with the comment, not all the basket ingredients were adequately integrated. Intellect and envy were well incorporated but having the husband work in a wine factory and everyone drive Priuses is not really bringing beverage or vehicle in to make them part of the erotic action.

(Coulda read Johneb’s blog, too, and used some of the named Napa Valley wines he talks about.)

I am now going to add that, the characters were all unlikeable. It beggars belief that a woman would be so dumb as to imagine her ex-husband would be at all reasonable about her leaving him for another man. Maybe I am biassed, as I have a few single mom friends and the behaviour of their ex's is so awful it leaves even my jaundiced jaw bumping on the pavement.

I think you had a potentially witty mix going on there, putting Loving Wives and Incest together. Unsurprisingly with what was going on, you didn't manage to give it the sparkle and edge of your super FAWC1.

I often say to my students: If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing badly. I do think it's good you entered the competition, didn't just say: Oh FAWC it, and scrap the story. You got the idea up there and could see flaws in it yourself and hopefully others will join in now I've spread blood on the waters and give you the benefit of some critical feedback.

You've taken the story down now so I can't check but I think the artist you mentioned is one who is quite famous, LOL. Here is an article which talks about Bonnard. He isn't as well known as the one you mentioned. There are some good phrases in there you can steal for your arty character to burble on about. As Bonnard painted his wife nude a lot, your arty incestuous character can do this with a sort of narsty lascivious look in his eye. Or you could put up a thread asking if there is an artist who painted a suspicious number of pix of his sister nude? Ha ha ha! that would be a good one cuz it would be a subtle giveaway to people who know about art. I can't bring one to mind just now but I had a rather 'nice' upbringing .

(Others may enjoy this article as it's about the female nude.)

BTW, I spotted a nice present for you on my recent trip to London.

 

[slyc_willie]

This was a sexy enjoyable story. There is some over-writing, especially at the beginning – words which could be cut out and sentences which could be shorter.

The dialogue was clunky. There was both a sense of these people need to explain themselves (they don’t – it’s a story, they could just go with the magical out in nature, let it all hang outness of it) and they didn’t really explain enough.

[In response to comment - ] I thought the ignorance was going to be about the sacred stones? I was a bit disappointed that Ethan got this 18 year old kid pregnant already, but I know some people find that sexy.

The basket was well used with all the ingredients incorporated. The background was good too, there was a real sense of being in the outdoors camping. Characterisation was well done and believable, although there was a rather sudden switch from the ‘buxom’ Gina to her being simply ‘beautiful’. I thought it would have been nice if she had been insecure about how she looked, as a lot of young women of that age are – ignorant of her own beauties, and reassured by Ethan’s evident admiration. That may be just a personal thing.

- I did think this story had been written by a woman - you clearly have a sensitive touch, Willie , as we all thought your story in FAWC1 had a feminine tone to it.

Thanks for the critique. Yeah, I missed a few of my own details when writing the story. That's what happens when I do a rush job. As I mentioned earlier, in response to sr's critique, I have no good reason to explain why I made Gina 18. I think the story would have been better if I never mentioned her age at all.

As far as the raven . . . more foreshadowing, I think, would have worked. Or maybe a touch of the supernatural at some point.

School started yesterday.

My daughter's school starts on Monday. Parent/teacher meet-n-greet this Thursday.

I can't wait

 

[NaokoSmith]

Karma

I like LoveCraft68's writing for sociological feminist reasons that I won't go on about here. (Standpoint theory, burble burble, multiculturalism blahdiblah, postmodern feminist needlecraft.) I'm sorry that he mucked things up by panicking or something at the start of the competition and flinging his name about. It is obvious this story is his to fans of his writing, there are a number of 'tell's (he he he! I learnt that word from A Chance at Passion) in his work. So the end result was that he didn't get critical feedback or good comments on his writing in here, just another bun fight. I dunno, maybe that allows him to just keep turning the stories out and not work on them. Cuz his stories are excellent but I sometimes think a little bit more and they would be classics. (Although he himself can be a pain in the derrière.)

Damn, I cried. I mean, I got something in my eye during that story and couldn’t really read it properly.

Yup, that is a LoveCraft story. I am really sorry he mucked things around, cuz that is a really good story and good use of the basket ingredients. Maybe beverage was a little contrived, but gosh, with four ingredients it is pretty tough and the constant coffee is a beverage.

There are glitches and inconsistencies. Karma, the central character, is a ‘good girl’ – constantly reiterated by all her friends. However, at the end she starts dressing and acting like a hooker! Red lace bra and a thong? Not on a young college girl. And four glasses of red wine is pushing it for a young woman who isn’t in the habit of partying till she is sick in the toilets, she would be falling on the floor. Some of her dialogue is rather ... experienced.

I blubbed in the account of Karma’s life as a homeless girl. I have been homeless myself, yah yah, there was a dearth of champagne in those days, LOL. Being homeless and nearly at the point of begging on the street is fucking miserable and double fucking miserable if you are a young woman. Good job describing what it can be like.

The premise that if you do good, good will come back to you is cheap and trite and I LOVED it. I wish the world was like that! I liked the way that Joe’s understanding of poverty was given backstory rationale.

 

[NaokoSmith]

My Old Babysitter

Well gosh! that was a hot hot story, LOL. I wouldn’t normally go for that kind of category at all and was a bit meh about some of the elements. There were a few roughnesses but on the whole it was a fluent narrative with highly believable characters and some sizzling action. Incorporated the basket elements really well.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Plaza De Toros

Ah, a classic romance. Mediterranean setting, commanding dark lover, LOL. Bullfight, white rose, blood and dust, hot starry night ahhhh!

The commentators are right that you had her running from something and never did anything with that. However, you’re right about the holding back the night before a bullfight – a toreador or matador won’t have sex the night before in order to reserve his or her energy.

(LOL, I think people put me down for this story just because it's set in Europe. Go on - 'fess up. Well, I do like blood sports - after all, I used to play rugby .)

 

[damppanties]

I seem to have missed it but were our stories pulled off the site entirely or reassigned? I thought they were reassigned but I went to check and cannot find it anywhere.

 

[PennLady]

I seem to have missed it but were our stories pulled off the site entirely or reassigned? I thought they were reassigned but I went to check and cannot find it anywhere.

The stories were assigned to their authors; mine is on my submissions page. Perhaps yours was mistakenly attributed to someone else?

 

[damppanties]

The stories were assigned to their authors; mine is on my submissions page. Perhaps yours was mistakenly attributed to someone else?

I see it now. Thank you.

 

[PennLady]

Cool. Glad you found it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I haven't seen any review on mine, and I have to say I am glad. I almost didn't submit it. My basket ingredients were vehicle, envy, beverage and the one I most dreaded of all of the ingredients: intellect. Envy was easy. I already had part of this story written. I knew where it was going, but I hadn't come to grips with how I was going to get the characters there. Then here comes the basket with "envy" as an ingredient and I said "Fuck!"
The central idea of the original story was a woman who wanted the wild life that her co-workers had, or that she thought they had so it took no tweaking at all to make her fit. I had also been toying with the idea of using Juhn Conlee's song as the basis for a story and it served well to get this one underway.
I did feel stupid trying to meet the vehicle requirement, it felt forced and since one of the commentors pointed it out it must have read that way as well. I also felt stupid having them drink wine every damn time drinking was required but it didn't feel as forced as the Prius' inclusions did.
Intellectual....I still am not sure if I pulled this ingredient off or not. Peter as the love interest of the envious Silvia was prime to push off as an art writer. I tried to make him seem smart without having to get too in depth with him. I must have read a thousand definitions of "intellectual" trying to get a feel for how to portray this ingredient. I can write folk with lower intelligence than I have, but not higher.
In the middle of writing this I had to spend three days sitting in the hospital at my son's bedside. He'd OD'd and it wasn't very fun. He was stoned off his ass though and enjoyed portions of it, but my head wasn't in the game. When he was out of the woods I pushed and finished the story.
I have pulled the story and am re-writing it. I will re submit it under it's original title "Sylvia" in the near future. I have a lot of depth I need to add and I have a shit load of Priuszsz to scrap.

I read it but didn't vote, I didn't vote for one reason: Its LIT factory choreographed same-o, same-o. Its written well, I see no errors worthy of complaint or mention, its simply identical to all the other Twinkies the LIT elves bake. I cant fault it when Readers luv Twinkies.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Stranger In The Park

Congratulations once more, MistressLynn!

I admit, I was a bit thrown by this being non-erotic. Ordinarily of course, this story would be in 'non-erotic' so one would know what to expect. These were the comments I noted at the time of reading.

(NB some comments are briefer than others. This is less because of the quality of stories and more about when I was reading them and whether I was simultaneously writing comments, cooking breakfast and crafting a job application. If you wanted me to say more about your story, do let me know )

Ah, a non-erotic entrant. That was a bit confusing! I kept waiting for the little girl to grow up (eugh gross) or the grandmother to suddenly strip off and reveal a sensational body and porn star knowledge of sex, LOL. Maybe you could’ve put non-erotic in the tags?

Good use of the basket ingredients.

 

[_Lynn_]

Congratulations once more, MistressLynn!

I admit, I was a bit thrown by this being non-erotic. Ordinarily of course, this story would be in 'non-erotic' so one would know what to expect. These were the comments I noted at the time of reading.

(NB some comments are briefer than others. This is less because of the quality of stories and more about when I was reading them and whether I was simultaneously writing comments, cooking breakfast and crafting a job application. If you wanted me to say more about your story, do let me know )

Ah, a non-erotic entrant. That was a bit confusing! I kept waiting for the little girl to grow up (eugh gross) or the grandmother to suddenly strip off and reveal a sensational body and porn star knowledge of sex, LOL. Maybe you could’ve put non-erotic in the tags?

Good use of the basket ingredients.

What, put non-erotic in the tags and lose readers who think a good story needs sex?