Family ties

[IrisAlthea]

No, not your favourite incest fantasies. They belong on another board.

When you look at your family, can you see some of the same personality traits or relationship roles that led you to become interested in BDSM, in other family members?
Is there perhaps a relationship pattern that you wanted to aspire to or avoid repeating or a person that inspired you to be like them or to try for the exact opposite?

 

[seela]

No, not your favourite incest fantasies. They belong on another board.

When you look at your family, can you see some of the same personality traits or relationship roles that led you to become interested in BDSM, in other family members?
Is there perhaps a relationship pattern that you wanted to aspire to or avoid repeating or a person that inspired you to be like them or to try for the exact opposite?

This is an interesting question, thanks for starting the thread!

I think I've grown up seeing lots of very powerful women in my immediate family who have the final say in the family life, but in other respects defer to men. I'm sure this has had an impact on me and my personality, even though it's not necessarily conscious on their part or mine. My mom calls the shots and my dad does what she says and as they've gotten older, it's become more and more clear. My dad takes care of her, rubs her feet, brings her water, gives those gentle caring little touches, whereas I don't think I've ever seen my mom do anything like that for him.

My mom is also the care taking type, but moreso in the way that she takes care of the home, cooks etc. My dad pitches in, but mom is the one who's mainly in charge of all that. My mom doesn't like doing chores, but she's of the generation that's very much been brought up to think that it's the woman's job to take care of the home and that's what my mom has done. She's always made it obvious she hates it, and at the same time she's almost never been satisfied if someone else does it - it's basically never up to her standard.

For the longest time growing up, I kept telling myself that as long as I don't end up like my mother, I'll be dandy. I always saw her as someone who only takes, doesn't give. Never shows much emotion or tenderness, only shows that she cares through taking care of the house and cooking, and then makes a big deal out of how much she hates it. I didn't want to turn out that way.

In many ways I haven't ended up being like her, but in very many ways I have, both the good and the bad.

Sometimes I wonder if my submissiveness and hatred of making decisions and calling the shots in general come from not wanting to be like mom, who does call the shots and make decisions.

I know there's someone on my dad's side of the family who is a major perv, because I found some extremely filthy and niche mags in the attic of the house where my dad grew up in. Maybe I come from a long line of kinksters, who knows.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I do know exactly what experience led me to BDSM feelings when I was younger, but it was not family. I don't really want to talk too much about it, for a few different reasons, but it involved blindfolds and taking orders from strong, athletic women.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is an interesting question, thanks for starting the thread!

I think I've grown up seeing lots of very powerful women in my immediate family who have the final say in the family life, but in other respects defer to men. I'm sure this has had an impact on me and my personality, even though it's not necessarily conscious on their part or mine. My mom calls the shots and my dad does what she says and as they've gotten older, it's become more and more clear. My dad takes care of her, rubs her feet, brings her water, gives those gentle caring little touches, whereas I don't think I've ever seen my mom do anything like that for him.

My mom is also the care taking type, but moreso in the way that she takes care of the home, cooks etc. My dad pitches in, but mom is the one who's mainly in charge of all that. My mom doesn't like doing chores, but she's of the generation that's very much been brought up to think that it's the woman's job to take care of the home and that's what my mom has done. She's always made it obvious she hates it, and at the same time she's almost never been satisfied if someone else does it - it's basically never up to her standard.

For the longest time growing up, I kept telling myself that as long as I don't end up like my mother, I'll be dandy. I always saw her as someone who only takes, doesn't give. Never shows much emotion or tenderness, only shows that she cares through taking care of the house and cooking, and then makes a big deal out of how much she hates it. I didn't want to turn out that way.

In many ways I haven't ended up being like her, but in very many ways I have, both the good and the bad.

Sometimes I wonder if my submissiveness and hatred of making decisions and calling the shots in general come from not wanting to be like mom, who does call the shots and make decisions.

I know there's someone on my dad's side of the family who is a major perv, because I found some extremely filthy and niche mags in the attic of the house where my dad grew up in. Maybe I come from a long line of kinksters, who knows.

Well, sometimes I do as I’m told.

Like in your family there are strong women who are in charge of things in mine too. On my mothers side it is quite open. There are jokes about my mothers father not being allowed to decide what size shoes to buy. When my aunt died recently we found old letters and papers that explained some of why my grandmother needed to be in charge of some things to keep the family secure, so I guess it was in part necessity.
Both my aunt and geat-aunt stayed single and traveled extensively and adventurously on their own and sometimes brought me. That was definately an inspiration.
My fathers side has strong and independent women too but culturally it is much more traditional man as head of the household and the provider. It often feels like that is more in theory and that what they say often is in conflict with what they do, with the exeption of the man who married my aunt. I lived with them from time to time and they were a strong influence too, with my uncle modeling strong, caring, responsible leadership both at home and in business.

My parents relationship is a complicated one and there have always been very conflicted messages about ideals, gender roles and relationship structures.

I guess what I took away was that I want to be more open, honest and structured about expectations, roles and relationships.

I have a cousin where I’m pretty sure there is kink involved. There has been in some relationships at least.

I do know exactly what experience led me to BDSM feelings when I was younger, but it was not family. I don't really want to talk too much about it, for a few different reasons, but it involved blindfolds and taking orders from strong, athletic women.

Thanks for answering anyway. It was starting to feel a bit lonley in here.

I was thinking when I made the thread, that not everyone who influences us strongly is family. I didn’t want to make the topic too wide though and found it a bit hard to word. I hope everyone feels free to make ”family” as broad as they need.

For me, I think a lot of influence has come from my parents’ circle of friends, hearing them discuss their relationships and seeing them interact.
Parents of childhood friends and early boyfriends is another example.

 

[Mei5ter]

Philip Larkin had something to say about this:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself

 

[Primalex]

When you look at your family, can you see some of the same personality traits or relationship roles that led you to become interested in BDSM, in other family members?

No.

But my father inspired me to not become my father, completely unrelated to BDSM.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Philip Larkin had something to say about this:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself

Heh, yes.
Got out early at least.

My sibling is extremely active in our local kink communities, I’ve found out, so, yeah…

I guess that’s about as ”yeah” as it gets.
You found out on your own?

No.

But my father inspired me to not become my father, completely unrelated to BDSM.

Mmhm, I can relate. For me it’s both about not being like and being vigilant about tendencies in others to be like him.