Family Secrets

[Earthgoddess]

As we all seem fairly open here I felt that this might be an opportunity to me to gain some insight. I have a secret that for over 12 years I have kept tightly under lock and key, and my sister(who has a personality disorder and is off her meds-which is a whole other issue) is using the secret to blackmail me into supporting her very stupid life choices.
I am wondering if anyone here has ever had this sort of experience? Not the sister thing,that is an ongoing drama of the Jerry Springer sort,but in holding a secret from many people in your life and then having possibly be revealed in all of it's uncomfortable glory.
Before this turns into a- what did Earthgoddess do and how in heaven's name did she know that it would only take 16 hours to bake the victim's body in a forestiere sauce-let me assure you that no crimes were committed.
My secret,which I will partially reveal,seems safe here as I operate outside the realm of my everyday life and use a name slightly different from my actual name.
I know I am asking for some heavy judgement calls on this, and I am prepared to read them. I just need an objective poll since I can't poll my neighbors and friends without revealing why-
thank you to all who answer...
Secret-on my 20th birthday I became pregnant while on Birth Control Pills that were too low a dosage. I continued to menstruate and was not at all nauseous but saw a doctor at my parents insistence due to my headaches. I was 5 months pregnant and had only gained 5 pounds(at this point in my life I weighed approx. 125 lbs). When I found out that I was pregnant both my GP and I thought I was only a month or so,I went to a Gyn. who showed me on the ultrasound that I was at least 22 weeks- I decided to hide the pregnacy and I decided to relinquish the child for adoption.
I was in a relationship that was unhealthy and this was the second pregnency resulting from this man. So I told him and since he had to do nothing to help- he was thrilled. As we were both in college it was very easy to find a couple- in the newspaper, and move out of state for the summer. I lived near the parents to be and grew very close to them. My daughter was born at the end of the summer, and I sent her home from the hospital with her mom and dad. I returned home and no-one at all was aware that I had done anything other than nanny out-of-state and finally lose that 10 pounds. The awful relationship continued and in a desperate bid to find meaning in my wretched life(severe post partum depression and no therapy) I became pregnant a third time and immediately was beaten into a pulp and miscarried. I left and went to Florida,stealing almost a grand from my roommates,and leaving a very detailed letter concerning exactly what the last two years of my life had been...Btw my plan was to go and find work with Disney, as a character in the theme park-that is just how unstable I was-my parents tracked me down, got me therapy and brought me home. Only a few people found out and my mother went to enormous lengths to keep it from my family. She made me promise to Never tell her sister and her parents,when she died I solemnly swore never to tell.
Well as this was an open adoption I am still in intermittent contact with her parents,my son is wearing her hand me downs...we have a very good relationship and when she and her parents are ready, she can freely and openly ask me anything...And thanks to some wonderful friends and therapists I have had lots of help dealing with this.
So here is the dilemma-my sister who is having BIG problems has decided to even the field and tell the family all this-which as they are very devout pro-life,hyper Christian, will cause some pain-so what to do? I can go ahead and tell them myself to give them an accurate and honest accounting,wait for her to plunge off the deep end and scream it, or ignore the threats as I have been doing and keeping my fingers crossed. She feels that the family will support her if they see me as a bigger screwup than she-or at least temporarily people will step out of her business and onto mine.
Any advice is appreciated-thanks Eg


[Edited by Earthgoddess on 07-27-2000 at 05:53 PM]

 

[Sammyjo]

Good Lord...I do not know what to say.

I support your decision 100%

If you want to discuss off board, feel free to mail me.

 

[Skibum]

Earthgoddess, I assume that you have discussed this problem with your husband. He is in a much better position to advise you than anyone here.

Having said that, I will give you my opinion, anyway. It is better to go ahead and fess up to your family. That will steal your sister's thunder, and help you clear up any issues you may have. I don't know your relatives, but I think it likely that they are more apt to gorgive a confession, than a disclosure by a third party, like your sister.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Thumper]

No silliness here.

I am thankful your parents loved you enough to take care of you. From what you have said you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You may have made mistakes as we all do. It would be a bigger mistake to give in to your sister's demands. She needs help it sounds like. Maybe in the samee way that you needed it years ago. What the family thinks of you if they find out is not as important as helping your sister. It may be painful and then again they may surprise you...it sounds like your daughter is with some wonderful people. That is a great thing you did for her.
The easy thing would be to cave into your sister's demands and in the end she will probably "spill it" anyway.
Do what is best for your sister...

What does Dionysus say on the matter? He would know, I think.
Good Luck...

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thanks

Dionysus thinks my sister is too disturbed to actually go through with this-she has declared me dead to her and just writes threatening letters and makes hideous phone calls...He has known our family for over ten years and feels this is one of her cycles-those cycles when they feel great and stop the meds then crash and it is YOUR fault not theirs because they don't really need the meds..so while he is best to advise me on her I am curious to get a larger scale opinion on the secret issue...you guys are really great to take the time to respond.

 

[Bigdog]

dog's eye view

Your secret isn't likely to stay under wraps forever, it is too volatile an issue for your sister to contain. Sooner or later, she is going to let something slip out, either intentionally or accidentally. In this case I think time will help heal old wounds. My advise would be to not play into your sister's game and just ignore her, but prepare yourself for the day when the story does get out. Coming forward first might work out OK but more likely would only encourage your sister to find new ways to torment you.

Having dealt with my wife's family for nine years (they are like trail mix, mostly fruits and nuts), I would agree with those who already said Dionysus would know what to do. He is familiar with the recent family history and yet is detatched enough to be objective. Whether it is sooner or later, I hope things get resolved for you with as little pain as possible.

 

[Vixen]

Dear Earthgoddess, I want to applaud you for any number of reasons, not the least of which is your incredible courage. For every decision we make, there are consequences, and you've certainly faced your share. My "gut" reaction to your question is TELL, TELL FIRST, TELL NOW. Keeping the secret only hurts you, and has you living in fear. Whom does it serve? Who is hurt, really hurt, if you tell? It seems to me that, while it may give family members an opportunity to have a "dramafest," it won't really hurt any of them. It also opens the door for you to openly acknowledge your daughter if and when she makes an approach. If your family gets on its "Christian" high horse, your reply is that you chose not to compound a youthful error by either aborting the child, or trying to raise her as a single messed-up mom. You found a family who would love her and care for her. BRAVO, Earthgoddess. You loved her enough to give her the best possible future.

Big hug, whatever you decide, Vixen

 

[CreamyLady]

The Duke of Wellington had a response to someone who was blackmailing him: Publish and be damned.

I can guess how much pain you have gone through with this, but allowing your sister to use your pain as a weapon is ludicrous. If she wants to tell, fine; refuse to be drawn into any discussion of it. If people feel they must have some input, do not become the designated listener. Let them discuss away in your absence; refuse to talk about it if you don't want to.

I've gone through all kinds of family shit in my life; those who love you will continue to do so. Those who don't, well, this is not a loss.

 

[Weird Harold]

I see no reason for you to let your sister force you into bringing something personal and traumatic into public view just to get your spin on the situation first.

Let the situation develop on it's own, if she "reveals all" then field the inevitable question with "Yes it's true," and feild the next question with "I didn't tell you before be cause I figured it was 'NUNYA'"

This is really a non-issue. I assume that your sister is known to have a personality disorder, so anything she says is probably going to be taken as an attempt to stir up trouble, or the imagination of a disturbed mind. Let her take the heat for telling tales, and maintain the (quite proper position) that it was not something you were proud of and it was really none of thier business.

 

[Skibum]

Earthgoddess, Wierd Harold gave you much better advice than I did. Just ignore what I said before. I bow to his greater wisdom here.

 

[Cheyenne]

I must have missed the part where you did anything wrong in having your daughter and giving her up for adoption. Maybe getting pregnant at 20 in the first place wasn't such a great thing to do. But even then, you were on birth control and it failed. You didn't screw around without protection. If your relatives really are pro-life, why would they think less of you for having your daughter and giving her up to a better home than you could provide at that point in your life? Isn't that exactly what pro-life people would want you to do? I admire anyone who has the courage to give up a child to adoption, no matter what the circumstances were for conception.

I'd be more inclined to have a problem with the stealing of the money from the room mates. BUT, people under stress do things they wouldn't normally do. If your room mates have forgiven you (assumption on my part) then your relatives shouldn't judge you too harshly.

I would tell my relatives the story first before my sister did. If the adoption is really that open, they may want to meet your wonderful daughter some day, too. Give them a chance to understand.

 

[teresafannin]

Hello EarthGoddess, I would discuss the whole thing with your husband & get his advice. I would also tell my family, just in case this sister goes off the deep end. The truth generally comes out, it is best that they hear it from you. I admire you so much for thinking of your baby & doing what was right for her. You showed an amazing amount of courage in giving yuor daughter to people who would love her & could give her the life you couldn't.By keeping in touch with her, showed what a loving woman you are & I think your son is very lucky to have you for a mom. Sending good wishes your way.

 

[Earthgoddess]

Thank you everyone-this helped a lot

I have tried to post for the last few days and kept getting booted,or my post would delete...so I wanted to thank everyone for their supportive answers. It was nice to talk this over with a larger group...My sister is now pretending I am dead,our last phone call was so horrible,she is really not able to hear my concern. She wrote a vicious letter,and has decided to totally write me out of her life.
So for now the secret is being kept,only because my little sister hates me,and refuses to discuss me at all.
I am not ready to tell the world about my secret-more because I realized I have a little boy who will not handle this info well and I have the obligation to share it with him before I am forced into a family confession. I am also not in a place to defend a decision that needs no defense and my families religion will get in the way of their acceptance. I am not ashamed and I have been a far harder judge and jury than my family will ever be-but that time in my life gave me a heightened sense of responsibility. I need to mull this over and tell people when I am ready,and ready to handle the outcome.
Thank all of you for helping me sort out and examine this-objectivity is golden.
My loving hubby thinks my sister is a whacko and he also thinks that I need to be very careful when I reveal this-mainly because of my little boy. I can not imagine how he might process this,what if he thinks I will give him away too? AArrgghh-his pediatrician recommended waiting to tell him so that he is mature enough to understand it more clearly.
Thanks again everyone this has been a really hard week and being able to come here to deal with it made it easier!

 

[teresafannin]

hello

I think your husband is right, he sounds like a wonderful man. Take your time, when you & your husband feel your son is ready, tell him the truth. I am so sorry about your sister. My youngest sister is my best friend & I can't imagine how I would have made it through the last year without her. I hope things go well for you, take care.

 

[Hecate]

*big hug*

Don't let anyone force you into anything! not now - never! Make it YOUR decision when the time is right

Now I know this is easily said - but I can't see anything wrong in what you did my dear - and since you say your family is very pro-life .. shouldn't they be proud of you for choosing adoption over abortion?

In my eyes it takes a lot of courage to do what you did and to live with the secret for so long. Don't let anyone (and not even your sister) force you to get something dragged to public which is of your and your only concern.

My thanks go to Dyonisus for being there for you now *hug*

 

[Skitten]

Earthgodess;
I support you in whatever decision you made, the fact that your family was there to support you in the past, makes me think that they will be there for you now. Your sister is just trying to get under your skin, I think that if you talk to your family and try explaining what you are going through it might help some.

You made a decision a long time ago a decision that you thought what was right at the time. You didn't do anything
to be ashamed of. I think that if you talk to them and tell them how you feel they will understand and help you through it. And then your sister will have nothing to hold over you. You can't just keep wondering what and when she will say something. For your own piece of mind I would strongly suggest getting it out in the open, it was a long time ago and I think family and friends will be more understanding than we tend to think.

Good luck on whatever decision you make I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Earthgoddess]

you guys are great

My Dad knows what my sister is threatening and he does not believe she would tell my aunt and my grandmother. He believes that she is thrashing about trying to inflict pain on me because I am not giving her my approval-my love but not my approval. My mom's family does not know and despite the fact they are great people they are not very open minded and as of mid August it will have been twelve years. I think they will be hurt by the fact they were kept out of the loop then,also.
What really sucks is that this is so unnecessary-my sister really needs therapy and whenever the rest of the family deals with her they beat around the bush since she is the baby and no one wants to upset her. I tell her outright that she needs help and that I love her and I want her to have a good and happy life.
I am not going to creat a huge drama in my life and stir up painful memories just to avoid her craziness. I have the right to ignore her threats and that is what I am going to do-my Dad is trying to placate her but I refuse.
I was very messed up in my early twenties and did alot of things I wish I could undo-but giving a child a wonderful life with loving parents really was the greatest feeling. It was my way of fixing some mistakes, and in the long run I think it has made me the mom I am today.
My sister is not a healthy person, and I need to confirm my love but not my support for her. Since she is pretending that I am dead that makes it fairly simple. My family is not letting her talk about me at all,so for now my past is not a weapon.
I really am overwhelmed with the support,she picked this time of year on purpose(my daughter's 12th birthday is in a few weeks) and that makes it even harder.
Once again my heartfelt thanks to all of you.

 

[Herbie]

Hi Earthgoddess,

I agree with what all the others have said on this subject,maybe I am a hardnosed bastard, But blackmail or any of it forms is completely aborant to me, I refuse to have any part of it,because it is no more then a control mearsure,and given in to it only enhances that control,You and your husband are one gutsy couple and I am sure that you will face up to your sister and any action resulting from what ever she does, and as another thought, Your Moms family are Christians or practise that life stlye,Well Jesus had a good answer,
*let him without sin cast the first stone* Goodluck, and hang in there, I work on the theory that if the sun dont come up tomorrow , we are all in deep shit, *smile*

 

[Roland Gilliad]

Damn...thats a problem.......geez i dont really have any words of wisdom.....all i can say is......well...i guess in my own personal opinion i would confront your sister and ask her why she is threatening you...if she refuses to tell you then fess up and make sure you suck up before you do it
(dinner, movie, present, good advice, plane tickets to another country to avoid their wrath) stuff like that..if she tells you then go from there knowing what she wants...if you can then give it to her and maybe then she will accept help..(theres alwase the plan of calling in the men in white coats and saying she is dangerous and loony..i say stand up for yourself and declare your independance from her feeble threats. people like that get off on people like you squirming under the pressure. get her some help and get your life back
::winks:: i gauruntee that something will work out..if not you can come live with me!