False Label?

[College_geek]

I normally call myself a dom sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend...I say I have a small fetish for some light domming. But as I read other things on this board, I begin to doubt if what I do could be correctly called dominance. It seems that when I read about dominance, it's the sub who's pleasuring the dom because it's being forced. That's not what I do, I like to tie him up and have my way with him, which has nothing to do with my own physical pleasure, but I do get turned on by tickling and torturing him (in a non-hurting way of course...wow I sure sound like a naive little amateur...). My question is, is what I'm doing just aggressive playtime or a power trip...or could it actually be considered basic dom/sub. I don't want to mislabel myself. Thanks for any help in finding my way.

 

[redelicious]

I'm sure someone else will come along and answer this better then I can, but IMHO Domination doesn't have to be about sex. You seem to have at least a desire, if not a need, to be in control which is a Dominant trait. I wouldn't worry so much about being a Domme or Top or whatever though, as long as you are both happy with where you are at.





*edited for punctuation*

 

[FungiUg]

Er... is the label that important? So long as you are enjoying it all! Generally dominance is about control, and you do seem to enjoy being in control. I have also heard the label "Top" used, but hey, who really cares?

You like being in control. So... feel free to call yourself dominant, so far as I am concerned anyway, it's accurate.

 

[Pure]

Hi College,

In one sense a label doesn't matter, and you can call a Coke a 'beer' and who cares: you enjoy your 'beer'. However, when you want to tap into human experience and knowledge, and consider, "What are the effects of drinking five beers?" it's handy to have common terms so you won't be saying, "I drank five beers last night and for some reason I wasn't intoxicated at all."

A migraine headache is not a tension headache, and in dealing with the former, a correct label is very useful.

you say,

I normally call myself a dom sometimes when I'm with my boyfriend...I say I have a small fetish for some light domming. But as I read other things on this board, I begin to doubt if what I do could be correctly called dominance. It seems that when I read about dominance, it's the sub who's pleasuring the dom because it's being forced. That's not what I do, I like to tie him up and have my way with him, which has nothing to do with my own physical pleasure, but I do get turned on by tickling and torturing him (in a non-hurting way of course...wow I sure sound like a naive little amateur...). My question is, is what I'm doing just aggressive playtime or a power trip...or could it actually be considered basic dom/sub. I don't want to mislabel myself. Thanks for any help in finding my way. {my bolding}

I'm not sure why you say, 'because it's being forced.' in the first sentence I highlighted. Usually one reads about 'domination' as a consensual arrangement and episode, and no one (e.g., 'sub') is 'forced,' in the literal and legal sense.

Secondly, redelicious makes a good point that pure sex gratification, coming, is not the only issue, where power or control are exercized. Nor is the orgasm the only payoff, in and of itself. There may be no orgasm or its context may be crucial, e.g., when it happens with a humiliated partner.

I do understand your statements about aggression, and it's good that you see the issue, since, if you follow my labelling, the 'consensual dom/me' is by no means necessarily aggressive.
So, it's possible to say, in traditional terms, that you're cultivating 'sadism' and an eroticism of 'power over' and it appears you have gratification in its exercize. (It's interesting you mention 'hurt', if only to deny it.) I wonder if any of this fits?

It's good to figure how one is situated in the erotic landscape, and the above comments are, of course, partly guesses as to what you might be stating or asking.

best,
J.

PS., As pointed out, there are, of course, 57 varieties of 'dom/mes' and those who label themselves such. So in one sense, your question is a bit like asking "Since I favor legal abortions, can I call myself as conservative?" Yet, imo, it's far from a silly question to think about, to clarify the issues.

 

[College_geek]

Thanks, all of you. I'm quite new to it all, so I never really knew about the various types and interpretations. Labels aren't important at all, I just felt like maybe I was falsely advertising or something. Since I've just started looking on this part of the board, I didn't want to show up not knowing anything, but pretending I did. Thanks for the info.

 

[MissTaken]

Dominance occurs often without pain. However, if you enjoy tying him up and doing whatever you like while he is in a helpless state, I would suggest you are not "false advertising."

Labels are great tools by which to shorten a two hour discussion concerning how I enjoy intimacy to a three letter word, Dom or sub.

In the end, none of us practice the same D/s nor should we. Intimacy and BDSM are almost like fingerprints. Style, interpretation and practice are exclusive to each individual.

Enjoy and welcome aboard!

 

[NCShin]

I would also venture to guess that as you gain experience, what you enjoy will evolve. If you currently enjoy to just tie his arms above his head and have your way with him, in a year you may find yourself using more complex forms of bondage. In 5 years you may find that what was once new and exciting was now old and tired and try something else.

I highly doubt that anyone here started out doing the exact some things that they do now. Many likely started in a similar manner as you.

 

[Limbhugger]

My advice, relax, go with what works for you, and keep an open mind. When you have him tied up and having your way with him (swoon...whoops sorry...uh hum) even if it is not for your physical pleasure, it is still for your pleasure.

Welcome to our little corner of the world of kink.