Experienced people who use internet dating: How long do you wait to meet someone?

[Mr Blonde]

I do not use internet personals for dating but I am curious how it goes for BDSM people. Let's assume experienced people who use internet as a starting place to find people they will meet or have relationships with.

From first instance of making contact, how long do you wait until meeting that person?

I am having to guess what might be popular ranges so I may be waaaaaaaay off.

 

[Mr Blonde]

http://www.saferdating.com/page_3.htm

The above link discusses vanilla internet dating and says online daters should expect to meet in person within one month. But that is vanilla people and probably assumes living in same city.

BDSM people might take more care to screen potential candidates and also have to deal with long distance situations.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

OT

Hi, obligatory other (aka the subby formerly none as neutral observer) , here!

Just popped in to say g'nite and saw double-vision of two hello kitties, then pictured a whole army of hello-kitties, pimp-striding down the avenue. yippee-kiyo-kiyay, get along little kitties, get that hitch in your gitalong, along. I am up wayyyy too late.




(edited to add more kitties! )

 

[WriterDom]

2 to 3 months on average, if they are within driving distance. Over a year to never if they are on the other side of the country.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Had to go with other as it depends on so many factors involved. Some people you feel you want to meet sooner rather than later, some are not close so have to allow for that, sometimes it is a matter of time constraints for one or the other, sometimes you want more time to talk online to make sure you are not being played with, sometimes it is just instinct. Has been anywhere from a week to several months for me.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

Had to go with other as it depends on so many factors involved. Some people you feel you want to meet sooner rather than later, some are not close so have to allow for that, sometimes it is a matter of time constraints for one or the other, sometimes you want more time to talk online to make sure you are not being played with, sometimes it is just instinct. Has been anywhere from a week to several months for me.

Catalina

I chose six months to a year, because that has been the usual for me. I agree with Catalina.. it depends upon the person, really. For me, I am extremely private, and very suspicious, so it generally takes at least six months before I will allow anyone to know information such as my address, etc.

I also figure if they stick around that long, they must really want to meet me. My SO and I met after a year of knowing one another online, and didn't get together romantically until nearly five years later.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

I waited 6 weeks to meet my b/f after contacting him online...we're still together a year and a half later and getting ready to move into together. He lived within *relative* driving distance (200 miles).

 

[ReadyOne]

Except for one time, it's always been within a month, Generally it is within 10 days. The meeting is just a "see and be seen" thing like lunch without any possibility of the meeting being extended.

But then if I wanted to met someone, I gave them a lot of verifiable information to establish my bonafides.

A couple of times I've just told them where my lunch group went and suggested that they make a pass by, introducing themselves with "did I see you the other night at xxx" if they wanted to speak. One joined us for lunch, the other left after a quick round of self introductions.

My reasoning is to classify these people into firends and potential lovers so I could keep moving in my search.

Interestingly enough, my real LTRs have all been from women who found me and who initialied a meeting. One did so in a week; the other in three weeks.

 

[Guest]

 

[dragonlace]

i picked the other catagory because there are too many factors involved......we met after 5 months of talking daily but i knew him through other people before we even started talking. He was the first person i ever felt strongly about meeting and i am glad i did. I felt so close to him even through phone contact that i was compelled to take it to the next step. I trusted him and loved him and wanted to see if in person the feelings were still there. They were there and they get stronger and stronger the longer we are together. We will have been together 2 years in september

 

[SweetDommes]

Hmm... I didn't vote, because it varies from person to person for us. We met one the day after we started talking to him, we have waited months with others ...

OK OK, I missed the 'other' catagory the first time through ... I voted that one.

 

[Mr Blonde]

If I were to use internet dating, ReadyOne's approach matches my attitude almost exactly. Guarantee their safety, provide them the option of an immediate exit....but sort through potential partners as rapidly as possible.

That matches my normal dating style for real life. I have had somewhere around 300-400 first dates. A few are horrible bombs, most are okay but indifferent...but then I get the pleasant task of sorting through the "good" to see if I can find a "promisingly exceptional" woman. I can learn more about someone in ten minutes face-to-face than five hours of phone calls or 25 hours of computer chatter.

Thanks to the people who sent me anonymous answers by PM. All answers were useful for consideration!

Edit: Of the 19 people who picked a range, and using middle values across the range, the average answer so far is 13 weeks (3 months).

 

[bound]

I met my Master online, but it wasn't a personals thing.. we both play MMORPG's and weren't looking for anyone. We were just good friends in game, started talking more on a personal level and it developed from there... We met 3 months after we started playing together, he moved in with me in February and we're getting married in October.

Sounds fast, but it was truly love at first sight. Never expected it to happen. =)

 

[Mr Blonde]

Update: Based on 29 replies (24 of them picking a range), the average waiting time is about 13.5 weeks if we assume the middle of the poll's ranges.

 

[TigerClaw]

I say a Month to a Month and a half if it is a long distance relationship. Longer then that the interest dies. If in driving distance the following weekend is good.

 

[conntom2002]

two of my top 4 gf's came off the net

be careful....type/cam/talk/meet (carefully) and u might enjoy yourself.....

 

[sincerely_helene]

I may just be extra picky, but...

I have been going the personals route for nearly 4 years, and still have yet to meet that delightful combination of DeSade/Prince Charming worth strapping on the heels and leaving the house for.

I think duration varies for everyone depending on personal circumstance, and the only piece of advice I can really offer is that if you even remotely feel pressured to do make that move before you are ready, reconsider your options carefully.

There is no set time frame, as long as one uses common sense. Meeting someone online in a busy cafe is no more dangerous than meeting someone locally in a busy cafe.

Obviously, don't make plans to set up a 'play date' upon first contact, and be wary of anyone who tries to.

Men: Bring flowers!

 

[sincerely_helene]

http://www.saferdating.com/page_3.htm

The above link discusses vanilla internet dating and says online daters should expect to meet in person within one month. But that is vanilla people and probably assumes living in same city.

BDSM people might take more care to screen potential candidates and also have to deal with long distance situations.

I didn't see this until just now, and would have to disagree with that statement to a strong degree.

I would feel far more at ease to meet up with someone who admits their preferences, than one who might only be professing to be "vanilla" in the online world. Let's face it, BDSM is built on a deep foundation of pre-discussed, mutually agreed upon desire, and the common "vanilla" psychopath isn't going to jump right out and say, "Hi, I'm Bob the rapist. Let's go back to my place so I can tie you up and smack your hot little ass while I have my way with you."

The same precautions should be taken in either instance, as everyone has their limits whether they be vanilla, BDSM, or chocolate with a mango twist.

I also think the statement that online daters in either case should "expect" anything within any period of time is a danger within itself, and I'm seriously considering going to this site and asking them if they are willing to accept liabilty for those willing to follow their advice.

This is a wonderful and vitally important topic, and I thank you for posting it.

 

[sincerely_helene]

!Sorry. Double Post!

 

[ammre]

I like to meet people fast.
I don't like online activities, cyber, phone any sort of other things like that, i get really bored with that.
I talk to the person a bit to figure out what they are about, than to let them figure me out a bit more. Than we set up a meeting in a public place without any expectations. Someone may be suave talking online but in real life they don't captivate you in the least. I want to know that before i devote time to doting on them.
I've always been reasonibly safe about it. I meet in public, i get their number and leave it, along with where i'm going and their full name with a friend incase i need anytthing. I bring my cellphone well charged. and i make sure i drive myself so i don't become dependent on their transportation. If they for some reason do drive you, always have taxi money. A lessi'm always taught me by my father was to have taxi money so you could depend on yourself if all else fails.
but i'm babbling.
I don't like dawdling online. I've bet well over a hundred peple fomr the internet, wether we know eachother fomr IRC/tetrinet/nerdy exploits, or from sexual exploits aka literotica, or bodymodification types aka bmezine.

 

[MissTaken]

When I first began internet dating, I was very cautious. I would not meet anyone for many months.

Then, I realized, after meeting a number of men with whom I "cliqued" on line and was devestatingly disappointed when meeting in real life, meeting someone from on line isn't necessarily any different than meeting someone in a bar, a grocery store etc.

So, for the last six months or so of my on line dating, I would wait a couple of weeks or so.

I met scooter after about a week of talking on the phone and haven't dated since.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

My first time - 6 months of intense cyber only to be highly disappointed when we met. Weird to be so compatible online and sooooooo uncompatible in r/l. Of course he was about 6 hours away so that had a lot to do with it. Second time - after only a few days we met and clicked right away. He only lives an hour away. Third time - I decided against going to meet him at all. He was pushing for a very fast meeting and it just made me feel skeptical. So I guess it really depends on each individual situation.

 

[Raeth]

Bound seems to be in about the same situation I was... didn't meet in a game, but were just friends first and never expected things to progress. We have been married since April 2004.

It took us about a month before I flew to see her the first time, and that was mainly just because of money and time constraints.

As was said before, it's just not worth getting your hopes up with months of talking, only to be dissapointed five minutes after meeting that person.

I guess there isn't any wrong answer, as long as you are careful about the way you meet.

 

[Ryniver]

In general this has been said, but I felt it's worth repeating.

When meeting someone in R/L from online, whether with prospects of a romantic relationship in mind or "just friends", it all boils down to how much time and effort you've invested in getting to know each other.

This includes everything from email/IM exchanges, photos/webcams (a point worth noting- about two years ago, every night around 8 or so, I'd hook up with about a half-dozen people- from literally all over the world- I got to know at another forum in a chat room where we'd all hang out together til about midnight, those of us with webcams would entertain every one with "tours" of our environments; it was pretty wild. As of New Years 2002/03, I have met nearly all of those people in R/L). Have you talked on the phone? What have your conversations been about- idle chit-chat or personal echanges of quality information that would be worth building a relationship on? How do they respond when you mention you may be interested in seeing them, say, sometime next week, over coffee?

If you're satisfied with the answers you give yourself, then you may want to consider taking the plunge. I can say for myself, because of the serious time I took in getting to know the people I eventually met face-to-face, I never had to ask myself if seeing them was a good idea or not. Actually, it was more like, "It's about damn fucking time!!"

Good luck.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

Update: Based on 29 replies (24 of them picking a range), the average waiting time is about 13.5 weeks if we assume the middle of the poll's ranges.

That's just great! Wonderful! I thought I was hard to get! If the voters were being truthful, then I am what would be described as "Easy"!!!!