Experience at First Intercourse

[Hal9000_]

The Op is kind of vague. Does masturbation count as "sex experience"? Does giving oral sex count, or only receiving? Kissing and heavy petting would be equal for both genders. What about flashing/ exhibitionism?

 

[srgreene]

The Op is kind of vague. Does masturbation count as "sex experience"? Does giving oral sex count, or only receiving? Kissing and heavy petting would be equal for both genders. What about flashing/ exhibitionism?

Use your imagination!

But no, I was thinking in terms of sexual activity with another person, of the same or opposite sex. With regard to the latter point, I have a son whose first sexual partner was an older boy (I didn't know that at the time). I am grateful he succumbed to the charms of the fair sex.

 

[Hal9000_]

Use your imagination!

Fine. First sex experience was a dream about...

 

[magicalmoments]

I really enjoy reading these types of threads. Thank you for kicking it off.
My experience was extremely limited and I've always considered females had a greater range of experience, especially in those younger formative years.
Having said that I lost my virginity a year after I attained the age of consent with the woman I eventually married. She remained my sole sexual partner until I was 29, at which age the gates of open marriage and swinging were swung open an I became a total slut.
No regrets loved every second of it.

 

[srgreene]

I really enjoy reading these types of threads. Thank you for kicking it off.
My experience was extremely limited and I've always considered females had a greater range of experience, especially in those younger formative years.
Having said that I lost my virginity a year after I attained the age of consent with the woman I eventually married. She remained my sole sexual partner until I was 29, at which age the gates of open marriage and swinging were swung open an I became a total slut.
No regrets loved every second of it.

Can you give your approximate age? I will at least try to collate the responses here into a meaningful(?) composite.

Interesting that our sexual histories are somewhat the inverses of each other, as my range of partners narrowed considerably about the same age as yours widened. We’ll hub is/was a bit conventional in many ways. Did your wife’s vistas also expand the same times yours did? Are you still married? Children?? Thanks.

 

[CandiCame]

Thanks Candi- yours is the champion response (returns are not yet complete, however, lol).

<So guys after a divorce tend to fall into a depression that can wreck them, in a way that women don't.>

I've certainly known women who have fallen into depression after a divorce or breakup, often times becoming highly promiscuous in a way they were not before they got married. This is particularly true, I think, of women with little experience before the relationship in question.

One of my classmates, at a woman's college, lost her cherry her junior year. The relationship lasted a couple of semesters, but fizzled, and when she came back for her senior year, she was spending a lot of weekends attending frat parties at a nearby university, and sometimes coming back to school Sunday night in not very good shape. She did not graduate on time, and had to take a ninth semester. Sadly, she died of cervical cancer several years ago, and I wonder if her activities her senior year of college might have had something to doo with that.

I'd like to respond more to your comment, but need to go now.

I mean, that's not me speculating, that's a fact that's been studied to death: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../201412/why-breakups-are-actually-tougher-men

"Promiscuity" is actually not a sign that you've been hard hit, it's a sign that you're moving on. Obsessing over the partner and NOT dating again is the sign for depression. Men straight up die over breakups at... pretty alarming rates.

The reason this distinction is important, and why it's bad to spread misinformation using experience over evidence logical falliacies, is because the reasons that men are more hard-hit and tend to fall into clinical depression- which I should have clarified and can't remember if I did or not, because I wasn't talking about the colloquial use of "got real sad" I mean "have a diagnosable disorder caused by the trauma of the break-up that can lead to death"- is because that difference is entirely socialized, not innate. So if we stop socializing our boys with these destructive thought-schemas we can end this cycle.

Boys and girls are socialized to treat relationships differently. For a guy, the romantic partner is more important than others in the social circle to the extreme that it can become the ONLY close emotional relationship a guy has. Women don't do that. They're close to their friends. So for a woman, a breakup sucks, but they have a social support structure to lean on to help them through it. For a guy you have now lost your ENTIRE emotional support structure. All of it. At once.

On top of that, you usually take a harder hit financially, you normally don't get custody of your kids, and you have no one you can go to to bitch and cry about it, because you KNOW that people are just thinking that you can't keep a woman. You're raised in a society that places a lot more importance on your ability to be in a relationship than a woman in that same society has.

There are a lot of factors that combine to make something that is life altering for women, and should not be downplayed- life-ending for men. So guys more often go into a major depression spiral.

Also, men are usually blindsided. Most divorced men say that they did not see the divorce coming. They thought everything was fine. So you lost your whole emotional support system, your family unit, took a financial cut, and find yourself in an undesirable cultural situation - out of fucking nowhere.

Women tend to see health BENEFITS after divorce, men tend to see health cuts so bad they die.

Google the research on this and take away that we all need to start treating our male friends better.

 

[CandiCame]

I really enjoy reading these types of threads. Thank you for kicking it off.
My experience was extremely limited and I've always considered females had a greater range of experience, especially in those younger formative years.
Having said that I lost my virginity a year after I attained the age of consent with the woman I eventually married. She remained my sole sexual partner until I was 29, at which age the gates of open marriage and swinging were swung open an I became a total slut.
No regrets loved every second of it.

Holy shit you held out long enough that you can talk about your first time on Lit.

Here's a story about lil Candi I wanna tell that is tangentially related to this thread.

I'm from a state that pushes an abstinence only sex-ed narrative of bullshittery, as many in the bible belt do. This class is weird though. I remember it vividly. You took part of it with a nurse, part of it with a male teacher segregated by sex, and then part of it was taught by high-school kids (the sex ed class is in 4th grade) who come in and tell you not to have sex.

When I was in highschool I was in the leadership program that they picked the teachers from. So when I was a sophomore I got my volunteer hours that we all had to do- and it was teaching that class.

I went to the teacher and I was like, "You need to reassign my ass, because I'm not doing this."

And he was like, "Yeah you are."

And I was like, "No I'm not. I have ethical issues with it. I'm not doing it."

And he was all, "I don't care, just do it." Because he thought I was objecting to the religious aspects- which is true, I was, but that actually wasn't my point.

So I straight up said to him, "I'm not doing it because I've been fucking my way through this school for over a year. I can't, in good conscious, tell these kids not to do that. Pick someone else."

And do you know what he said to me? He said, "Candi, all teenagers have sex. Everyone who has ever done the peer-teaching has probably already had sex. Lie to them."

Just... no dancing around it, he said the words, "Lie to them." Like straight up "Lie to children."

I absolutely wouldn't do it, and after the first day they didn't make me go back because I actually answered their questions with the truth.

My point is, there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready like you did. But I also did that, and there's nothing wrong with doing what I did, either. And I don't think we should lie to kids about it, and your story about how you did wait longer reminded me of that experience and how just... weird it was.

 

[srgreene]

H
When I was in highschool I was in the leadership program that they picked the teachers from. So when I was a sophomore I got my volunteer hours that we all had to do- and it was teaching that class.

I went to the teacher and I was like, "You need to reassign my ass, because I'm not doing this."

And he was like, "Yeah you are."

And I was like, "No I'm not. I have ethical issues with it. I'm not doing it." ...

And do you know what he said to me? He said, "Candi, all teenagers have sex. Everyone who has ever done the peer-teaching has probably already had sex. Lie to them."

Just... no dancing around it, he said the words, "Lie to them." Like straight up "Lie to children."

I absolutely wouldn't do it, and after the first day they didn't make me go back because I actually answered their questions with the truth.

My point is, there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready like you did. But I also did that, and there's nothing wrong with doing what I did, either. And I don't think we should lie to kids about it, and your story about how you did wait longer reminded me of that experience and how just... weird it was.

I like your style, Candi. It's easier for guys to wait until they are "ready"- we are often pressured, one way or other.

I don't know how I would have felt about lecturing young children about abstinence- t he whole subject is rather irrelevant to most fourth graders. I don't think I would ever have been comfortable lying to them.. I've taught fourth grade in a religious school, and we didn't bring up sex education until seventh grade (which I thought might be a little late). But in any kind of a free society, teens don't refrain from sex simply because some adult told them not to.

As to your previous message about promiscuity not a sign of being hard hit, I don't think that is true in general of women, particularly ones who were inexperienced when entering the relationship in question. It might be described as a coping mechanism. Sex for women can often be a form of validating one's self- I certainly know that from my own experience.

 

[CandiCame]

I like your style, Candi. It's easier for guys to wait until they are "ready"- we are often pressured, one way or other.

I don't know how I would have felt about lecturing young children about abstinence- t he whole subject is rather irrelevant to most fourth graders. I don't think I would ever have been comfortable lying to them.. I've taught fourth grade in a religious school, and we didn't bring up sex education until seventh grade (which I thought might be a little late). But in any kind of a free society, teens don't refrain from sex simply because some adult told them not to.

As to your previous message about promiscuity not a sign of being hard hit, I don't think that is true in general of women, particularly ones who were inexperienced when entering the relationship in question. It might be described as a coping mechanism. Sex for women can often be a form of validating one's self- I certainly know that from my own experience.

Yeah, you seem to draw a lot on your own experience, because men also have more pressure to have sex earlier, especially in more religious societies. In those classes, as a ten year old, I was taught not to rape people. That was what the vast majority of the class time was dedicated to- not on how to get consent and how to communicate with your partner, but that the only way not to become a monster was abstinence, and that it was a constant fight. Men are considered the sexual beings, and women are considered... there's no not mean way to put this which is a big part of why I hate religious teachings in general- sex objects. Like, straight up. Women are cumdumpsters. I was taught that. In a school. That women don't have sex drives, and the only reason that they have sex at all is because someone raped them, that they're incapable of giving informed consent because without being coersed they would NEVER give consent, because they don't ever want to have sex and the only reason they ever would is because you drove them to sin by being either forceful or manipulative- which is fine and what you should do, once you're married.

Which is a lie that is straight up not gonna fly on a generation who grew up with internet access. We know for a fact it's not usually guys writing that Cloud/Sepheroth fanfiction, and we can smell bullshit, so the whole rest of the class is now called into question.

But the way they frame it is "Men pressure women into sex and women give into that pressure" which by default makes men the sexual beings who, if we go by rules of nature as outlined by American society, makes men the ones who initiate sex by default. There are a LOT of problems with this, this "men should have sex/men always want sex" narrative, not the least of which is that male sexual assault survivors are not believed, are more or less ALWAYS told that they "really" wanted it. It wasn't until recently that studies even started including "forced to penetrate" on sexual assault/rape statistics, and it wasn't until we got real statistics that we saw those numbers even out- because of this mindset. Because of the mindset that you're perpetuating here. That's what society WANTS you to think, but the truth is what the facts are. Reality doesn't care what society wants to think.

It's sure as hell not easier for guys to wait. Those statistics are identical. There are a lot of guys having sex way before they're ready because of bullshit being fed to us that we're ALWAYS ready, that at ten years old they need to be so afraid of our budding middle-school sexuality that they have to be on constant guard not to become rapists. I don't know about the rest of you on here, but at ten my dick BARELY worked. I was still figuring that shit out (turns out it's pretty much point and shoot, it's not nearly as complicated as they were making it out to be) and the last thing I needed was these bullshit social expectations shoved on me.

The girls, btw, because I asked what they were doing while I was in the guy class since I had a lot of female friends, were being taught how to avoid our sexuality- again, like we were monsters and they were adventure novel heroes sent out to slay us- and they legit taught them to play fucked-up mind games where you just string someone along because you're too scared to just tell them no, because us being fucking hormone rage monsters that will apparently get you raped.

So as a little girl you're taught that life is like a video game and you're gonna spend your whole life just hitting X during cutscenes to doge dicks.

So like... what the fuck?

Why the hell are we teaching kids to be scared of each other? That's not how sexuality works in the real world. And why the hell are we framing it so heteronormatively? Like with us we're taught to be scared of each other, but I don't know how the hell your "don't just get rid of rapists and cut them out of your life completely" rhetoric would work with lesbians. Because it wasn't a concern. Gays didn't exist. And that kind of erasure gave me another four years of not even having a word to describe what the hell was going on in my head and with my dick- and I'm not the only one it fucked up.

The reason it's taught in fourth grade, because I actually went to school to be a teacher and I had to learn this- is because that's the age where most girls get their periods, and part of their class that we don't take even though we PROBABLY FUCKING SHOULD, SCHOOL SYSTEM WHY THE HELL IS THIS IS A SECRET- is learning about the hormone cycle and how menstruation works and everything. I don't know why the hell that's part of sex ed? I guess because if you want to do the family planning calendar thing you need to know that? But that's the shittiest method and I don't know that they went that deep. But why isn't that just general class knowledge? I didn't learn how periods worked until like the middle of high school, years after everyone I knew had started their periods. All I really knew was that it was bad and it caused mood swings and random bleeding. I learned about the hormone cycle and what it physically does from my family because my mom was in the process of having a hysterectomy (she has endometreosis) and I was the one driving her to surgeries and shit (that's a whole other thing. I drove for years before I even had a permit, out of necessity. Don't tell anyone. Not joyriding or anything, I legit had to, for shit like this and other medical stuff. Also that's pretty common in my neck of the woods. We start everything early.)

Plus, middle school is about the time that sexuality starts, not in terms of there are kids out here having sex, but it is when your dick starts... doing dumbass shit at inopportune times. And when your voice decides it's time to sound like a dumbass in the middle of a sentence and fuck up your choir routine. And when you start growing ugly ass scraggly "I might be a gotea one day but for now shave me or you'll look like a dumbass"- I used the word dumbass a lot, but I just felt like a dumbass so frequently in middle school. And that bar was never super high to begin with.

But my point is that this idea that there are the huge differences between the genders and how we approach sexuality is patently, empirically, evidently untrue. And teaching it to kids is fucking them up. And being a fucked-up kid carries into your adult sexual and romantic relationships. Why the hell are we prepping kids with shame and imagined power imbalances? What's the point? It doesn't work because we all collectively call bullshit on it about three/four years later and start fucking like rabbits but can't buy condoms, and then the states that have this kind of education have high rates of teen pregnancies. Because it doesn't actually prepare you for how real sexual situations go AT ALL.

Being taught not to be a rapist does not prepare you for when someone ASKS you to fuck them. You're told that will never be a situation that happens. But that's how I've had most of my sex. That's how I had ALL of my young sex because until I figured out how informed consent worked I was so scared of pushing boundaries that I just didn't. So now me and every other guy in that class is leaving prom with someone who absolutely does want some dick, and none of us have any idea how to handle that situation, so we have awful, awful sex in the backseat of the shitty car we bought with the $7 on hour we got from working at a goddamn minimum wage shit job, and it's terrible, but you don't know enough to KNOW it's terrible, and you sure as hell didn't know to bring condoms because no one's ever going to ask you for sex.

Thank god for my family, because I come from a long line of people who got other people pregnant as teenagers, who were goddamned if it was gonna happen to me. The ONLY reason I didn't have kids until I did is because when I was a kid I had an adult who cared about me sit my ass down and give me a paper bag full of condoms and- no, actually, you know what, that was a shitty experience too. He told me that babies were how women trapped you- that you fall in love with your kid and then you have to spend the rest of your life with someone who wants you to pay their bills or they'll take the kid you love away. So wear a condom. Now that I think back that lesson isn't any fucking better.

We can and SHOULD do better than this, is my point. This shit should not be secret, and when we look at evidence that tells us things we should amend what we're doing with this new information instead of trying to fight on bullshit. When we look at studies that show that men get more depressed after divorce while women's health improves, for example, we shouldn't still argue that women are harder hit than men just because our personal experience was an outlier. When we see that abstinence only education CAUSES teen pregnancy, we shouldn't argue that people are getting pregnant because we're "out here taking Jesus out of schools". When we see that telling people that their partners are monsters who want to rape or trap them respectively causes horrible relationship issues for those people once they actually start dating that take years to work through- we should stop doing that and instead teach them how to openly and honestly communicate.

We can do better, and our children deserve better. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

 

[CandiCame]

BTWs, I went to a public school. This was not a religious school thing. That's just how we do here.

And I wanted to clear something up about my other post that wasn't that clear when I reread it just now.

I meant, in that sentence at the end, that we both waited until we were ready, but people develop differently and I was ready before you were, and that those differences should be respected. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you did or what I did, that it's a matter of personal choice and individual development, and as long as it's done right, there is informed consent, and you're safe, those choices should be respected.

I'm from a culture that likes to shame people for their sexual choices, especially when they're young, and it bothers me. People like to not tell people how to prevent pregnancy and then shit on people for being pregnant/having kids. I don't like that. Because it's like... you, the adults, CAUSED this with your abstinence only bullshit. You leave them the fuck alone or help. Those are your options. Shame and jackassery are not options you should have at that point. We have a saying, "Every baby is a blessing" but I amend that to, "You can't change the past, this kid is here now and we have to deal with it. Be solution oriented. The time for being an asshole has passed."

That's what I meant and didn't explain well. That everyone should wait until they're ready, that no one should be pressured, that people's boundaries should be respected. And that we need to teach that instead of the bullshit we are teaching about this weird sex-drive power imbalance that is straight-up made-up. A relationship is not a fucking game where one person has overt power and the other has covert power and you're constantly fighting against each other. It's a mutually beneficial partnership born of the lust or love or infatuation or whatever that you BOTH feel. And if it's framed that way, the way it really is, as a partnership built on a foundation of respect and communication PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT! And they'd be able to identify what a real relationship was, instead of having abusive power imbalances normalized to the point that they THINK that's what an actual relationship is.

We're just doing so much wrong, you guys. We have to do better. I want us, as a society to fix this before Bitesize is old enough to get fucked up by it. Like I'm actually worried about it. It always annoyed me but now it's personal in a way that it weirdly wasn't even when I was going through it. We have to fix this.