Ethical Sluthood

[Meat Whistler]

I'm lucky enough to have a wife who agrees with that.

I suspect that most people are afraid that the intimacy of sex will lead to much deeper relationships, at the expense of the primary one. And it can, in a lot of cases. It's all about the trust, and maintaining the trust is the ethical part of slutdom.

I would have to disagree with you. It's not all about trust. You can easily find yourself falling in love with someone else and leaving your primary mate for another person. Sure, you can be open with your mate about it, but you can't say it won't change the nature of the relationship. If you're okay with that, then it isn't a problem for you. However, if you marry and plan on staying with that primary partner, I think ethical sluthood is difficult, even if trust is involved.

Mind you, I'm not judging you or your lifestyle. I have been in open relationships, so I have some experience with it.

 

[Peregrinator]

I'm lucky enough to have a wife who agrees with that.

I suspect that most people are afraid that the intimacy of sex will lead to much deeper relationships, at the expense of the primary one. And it can, in a lot of cases. It's all about the trust, and maintaining the trust is the ethical part of slutdom.

You may be right; most of the time the resistance is fairly inarticulate. "I should be enough for you; "It would bother me;" "I'm having a hard time with it;" these are the kinds of answers I get.

We're both pretty lucky, I guess. My relationship is open, as well. Oddly, I find that my interest in other people is significantly diminished since we decided to try it. My gf found the same thing after her first venture. It made us both feel closer, and miss each other more (circumstances of the moment have us living realy far apart).

 

[gravyrug]

I would have to disagree with you. It's not all about trust. You can easily find yourself falling in love with someone else and leaving your primary mate for another person. Sure, you can be open with your mate about it, but you can't say it won't change the nature of the relationship. If you're okay with that, then it isn't a problem for you. However, if you marry and plan on staying with that primary partner, I think ethical sluthood is difficult, even if trust is involved.

Mind you, I'm not judging you or your lifestyle. I have been in open relationships, so I have some experience with it.

I'm not saying it won't change the nature of the primary relationship, or that it's impossible that you'd fall for someone else enough to leave for them. Trust is the starting point, at least for us. Trust that she'll come home to me when she's done with whoever she's out with, and vice versa. If that should change, then we'd have to deal with it, but it's not a given that it's doomed to change.

 

[Peregrinator]

I would have to disagree with you. It's not all about trust. You can easily find yourself falling in love with someone else and leaving your primary mate for another person. Sure, you can be open with your mate about it, but you can't say it won't change the nature of the relationship. If you're okay with that, then it isn't a problem for you. However, if you marry and plan on staying with that primary partner, I think ethical sluthood is difficult, even if trust is involved.

Mind you, I'm not judging you or your lifestyle. I have been in open relationships, so I have some experience with it.

I agree with you about possibly finding yourself interested in another; that, also has happened to me. I think it's more about the security that comes with certain situations, certain relationships. And being willing to pull the plug if need be.

 

[Calamity Jane]

However, if you marry and plan on staying with that primary partner, I think ethical sluthood is difficult, even if trust is involved.

But if someone who is celibate can be an 'ethical slut', then couldn't also someone who chooses monogamy?

I don't think it's necessarily about justifying polyamory - but more about making choices that suit us, as individuals, instead of defaulting to what is 'accepted' by the invisible majority.

Though, I could be wrong.

 

[superlittlegirl]

Yes, yes, yes!

But if someone who is celibate can be an 'ethical slut', then couldn't also someone who chooses monogamy?

I don't think it's necessarily about justifying polyamory - but more about making choices that suit us, as individuals, instead of defaulting to what is 'accepted' by the invisible majority.

Though, I could be wrong.

 

[Meat Whistler]

I'm not saying it won't change the nature of the primary relationship, or that it's impossible that you'd fall for someone else enough to leave for them. Trust is the starting point, at least for us. Trust that she'll come home to me when she's done with whoever she's out with, and vice versa. If that should change, then we'd have to deal with it, but it's not a given that it's doomed to change.

Yes, of course trust helps and is necessary. I was simply saying that trust won’t keep her or you from falling in love with someone else.

I agree with you about possibly finding yourself interested in another; that, also has happened to me. I think it's more about the security that comes with certain situations, certain relationships. And being willing to pull the plug if need be.

Interesting perspective. I'm not willing to put my primary relationship in jeopardy so I can experience sex elsewhere. I don't think my non-open relationship relationships have a lack of security, it's simply different than those I've had that are open relationships. In fact, I think I have and feel more secure in monogamous relationships.

But if someone who is celibate can be an 'ethical slut', then couldn't also someone who chooses monogamy?

I don't think it's necessarily about justifying polyamory - but more about making choices that suit us, as individuals, instead of defaulting to what is 'accepted' by the invisible majority.

Though, I could be wrong.

See, you could be right.... I admitted that I haven't read the book. I was simply providing my personal opinion and experience(s). You're right - I assume someone could be an ethical slut and choose monogamy. However, would that person truly be happy and feel fulfilled? Wouldn't they constantly be wondering what they were missing while they were confined to the love and sex of one relationship?

 

[Peregrinator]

Interesting perspective. I'm not willing to put my primary relationship in jeopardy so I can experience sex elsewhere. I don't think my non-open relationship relationships have a lack of security, it's simply different than those I've had that are open relationships. In fact, I think I have and feel more secure in monogamous relationships.

Yup, I'm right there with you. If experiencing sex elsewhere would put your primary relationship in jeopardy, you shouldn't do it. I experienced the feeling of security that comes with monogamy as well, and it's beautiful. I guess what I meant was that if you have a certain security and a similar attitude about sex, extra-relationship sex doesn't pose any threat to the relationship. And if you find that it does, that's what I meant by "pull the plug." Yo pull the plug on the polyamory, not the relationship. When I [gratuitous plug]rock slg's world in a few weeks[/gratuitous plug], my gf won't be threatened; if she's uncomfortable, we'll discuss it and change the rules to fit our nature, both as individuals and as a couple. Maybe tha last clause is what it's all about; changing the rules to suit the parties involved, rather than accepting the rules from an outside source.

 

[Calamity Jane]

However, would that person truly be happy and feel fulfilled? Wouldn't they constantly be wondering what they were missing while they were confined to the love and sex of one relationship?

Who knows? Happiness and fulfillment aren't constants. I've been in monogamous relationships and felt happy and fulfilled and liberated, and non-monogamous ones that felt stifling.

 

[mercy's_grace]

I love the term ethical slut. I really do. Is the book a piece of queer theory? Either way, what I love about stuff like this is its affirmation of freedom. Love and sex should be about that really. Anyways, hi, I'm new.

 

[Meat Whistler]

Yup, I'm right there with you. If experiencing sex elsewhere would put your primary relationship in jeopardy, you shouldn't do it. I experienced the feeling of security that comes with monogamy as well, and it's beautiful. I guess what I meant was that if you have a certain security and a similar attitude about sex, extra-relationship sex doesn't pose any threat to the relationship. And if you find that it does, that's what I meant by "pull the plug." Yo pull the plug on the polyamory, not the relationship. When I [gratuitous plug]rock slg's world in a few weeks[/gratuitous plug], my gf won't be threatened; if she's uncomfortable, we'll discuss it and change the rules to fit our nature, both as individuals and as a couple. Maybe tha last clause is what it's all about; changing the rules to suit the parties involved, rather than accepting the rules from an outside source.

Makes sense. I completely agree with your last statement. I suppose that’s what it is about for me – you (general) have to change the rules whilst your in the relationship because naturally the dynamic of a relationship changes.

Who knows? Happiness and fulfillment aren't constants. I've been in monogamous relationships and felt happy and fulfilled and liberated, and non-monogamous ones that felt stifling.

Good point.

 

[Peregrinator]

I love the term ethical slut. I really do. Is the book a piece of queer theory? Either way, what I love about stuff like this is its affirmation of freedom. Love and sex should be about that really. Anyways, hi, I'm new.

Hello and welcome, M's G. [obligatory stupidity] Show us your tits.[/obligatory stupidity]

What part of the east are you in?

 

[superlittlegirl]

Welcome!

It is queer theory in that it embraces a non-heterocentric point of view, and was written by two women who identify at various points along the queer continuum. The book is written for everyone, from heteros to pan-sexuals, however.

I love the term ethical slut. I really do. Is the book a piece of queer theory? Either way, what I love about stuff like this is its affirmation of freedom. Love and sex should be about that really. Anyways, hi, I'm new.

 

[Peregrinator]

Makes sense. I completely agree with your last statement. I suppose that’s what it is about for me – you (general) have to change the rules whilst your in the relationship because naturally the dynamic of a relationship changes.

I knew you'd come around. Let's swap partners. Snort.

 

[mercy's_grace]

East Coast. Trust me, you don't want to see my chest.

 

[Never]

Calamity Jane:
But if someone who is celibate can be an 'ethical slut', then couldn't also someone who chooses monogamy?'

Indeedness.

 

[Meat Whistler]

I knew you'd come around. Let's swap partners. Snort.

Sounds good. I bet your girlfriend is yummy!

 

[mercy's_grace]

Thank you for your kind welcome.

I'll have to get the book.

Welcome!

It is queer theory in that it embraces a non-heterocentric point of view, and was written by two women who identify at various points along the queer continuum. The book is written for everyone, from heteros to pan-sexuals, however.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Polly and I have also been meaning to pic this book up but have yet to make it to that huge PDX book store.

SLG highly recommend it to us a couple months back.

I do believe my freakish ethics scared someone off though

 

[Peregrinator]

East Coast. Trust me, you don't want to see my chest.

You're probably right. It's just a sort of ritual greeting here on the gb. Everybody gets it, and almost no one takes it seriously. I'm east coast as well, northernlike, but in NC at the moment. Glad to have another eastcoaster around.

 

[mercy's_grace]

Damn westerners!

 

[Peregrinator]

Damn westerners!

It's actually the midwesterners that get to me. Sweet dreams....

 

[mercy's_grace]

Man, I've done time in the midwest. Oh the horror.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It's actually the midwesterners that get to me. Sweet dreams....

Hey!.

 

[Peregrinator]

Hey!.

Not all of them. I don't believe we've said hello, CJ. Hi. What part of the midwest are you from?