Especially For Ladies Who Enjoy Gay Male

[ThinkerLover]

I kinda wrote this because I have noticed some women really enjoy the whole straight boys exploring together genre and I would really like to know if/why you like my story.

From first person, a story loosely based on a real fantasy with a friend. Two skaters in 1994 with nothing to do discover one anothers darkest thoughts in a dark basement with beer and a porn tape...

http://www.literotica.com/s/im-not-a-fag-dude

All comments welcome. Thanks!

 

[Saucyminx]

Read and commented.

 

[Verdad]

I thought it was a fine vignette.

The characters were irritating in an appealing way, if that makes sense. Of course, for them to become really appealing to me, it would have had to be a longer story in which they're forced to overcome their shallowness (or fail to do so). As far as beginnings go, though, I found the shallowness fetching in that it came across very vividly and also because it practically begs to clash with reality, thus opening dramatic possibilities. I'm not sure you explored them, though.

The narrator's voice delighted me in the beginning, as it brought the character and the era immediately alive. However, as the story went on, all the 'shits' and 'fucks' and 'hells' and exclamation points wore me down. I'd have found it a smoother as well as more erotic read if the voice had been toned down. You were entirely successful in conveying what kinda dude he is in the first para's, so later it felt to me like you were laying it on a bit thick and allowing the voice to distract from the scene at hand. I couldn't quite grasp neither the emotion nor the sensory details of the sex; while both were there, I felt a bit detached from them, possibly because the voice stayed so hyper it never allowed me to immerse myself in the situation.

Overall, no more than very mildly erotic to me, but writing shows lots of promise and features some very handsome passages.

 

[sr71plt]

OK, I read this because of your slug about this being GM especially for the ladies. That got my attention, because this whole thing of women readers of GM has my attention--in how its different from gay males reading GM and what its whole dynamic is. Your vignette didn't answer that for me. I don't see how/why an "especially the ladies" would like reading this as opposed to gay males. Maybe some "especially the ladies" will comment here on that. My view has been that the ladies like reading about hot male bodies and are just turned on by two of them going at it rather than just one going at it with a woman the woman reader doesn't identify with. Or maybe they like to read about a guy who actually has "feelings" that connect with those a woman would have (which certainly wouldn't be the case with your vignette). But I'll leave that to the "especially ladies" for more comment.

What I liked about your vignette was the unique voice you put to it and your use of dialogue. I also actually laughed at the 22-year-old son and 26-year-old mother image of the 1970s video--which is so true.

And that's enough to like about your vignette to give it a slow thumbs up. It played out as a "real" situation, and that was good.

Among the things that didn't resonate with me (I admit I was in skimming mode by the end) was the thought that watching a mother-son incest video would do anything arousing for two guys who were at least bi even if they weren't admitting it. I don't see that as arousing to gay males or even to "especially ladies liking to watch GM." Maybe others will bring in discussion on that. But I think it means you don't have much understanding about what arouses who.

I'd think you'd have to have your ear reeeaaal close to a penis to hear the foreskin flapping. You've actually heard that from across the room?

Other things were structural in the art of storytelling, most noticeably in the protagonist going upstairs to Eric's room. Why? What does that have to do with the flow of the story? What is the motivation for him doing that? Why is it in the vignette at all?

Your protagonist must have known there would be sex when he came to Eric's house (a presumption your story setup doesn't support). He's taken a bottle of Keri out of the medicine cabinet of his own house and brought it with him. So, I see a structural problem with this in the story setup.

I do suggest anyone who wants to know how underage sex can be slipped past the editor here read this, though. You have 12-year-olds masturbating together and haven't tried any technique to hide that. Either the editor wasn't looking or the "in the past" issue is in play. Not a criticism--maybe a model for others wanting to do this to look at.

It wasn't erotic for me either, so maybe it is for the "especially the ladies"(?) And I think the story ends with your characters understanding what the story means better than you do. You're billing it as GM; their revelation as they reveal in their dialogue is that they are are least bi--that's a different category.

Looking forward to hearing from the "espcially the ladies" here.

 

[Verdad]

Looking forward to hearing from the "espcially the ladies" here.

Well, like you, this 'especial lady' was charmed enough with the voice (at least initially) to have an overall positive response to the vignette. I didn't address the structural problems as it seemed the OP wanted more of a quick reader impression than a detailed critique, but I agree with you on that score as well.

I've already said there was barely anything erotic for me in the story, though, and that the characters would have to be much more developed for me to care about them, so I'm not sure what else I could add. If you're interested in my opinion, I can confirm this is a far cry from what I look for in a GM story. Seems I can't speak for all women, though, as the poster just above me said the story was hot.

 

[sr71plt]

I forgot to mention that the unspecified word "skaters" gave me pause. There are all sorts of different types of skating--and this didn't seem to have any relevance to the story anyway.

 

[Verdad]

I forgot to mention that the unspecified word "skaters" gave me pause. There are all sorts of different types of skating--and this didn't seem to have any relevance to the story anyway.

It always is hard to comment on these vignettes. Details that seem interesting as you go along later turn to have no significance, but since the whole thing doesn't go anywhere anyhow, one isn't sure on what grounds to say something matters or not.

The vignette could have easily been a complete one-scene story, though—it's not that it required more plot or more space. Maybe I should clarify that, lest it sound like it would have taken a novel to interest me. What it really lacked was focus, in my opinion. The structural problems and extraneous details you note seem to me the consequence of that. The author seems not to have decided what the significance of the experience was for the characters, or else he got lost in conveying it, so I couldn't really follow them on their way from emotional place A to emotional place B.

I think you have good insight in what attracts female readers. The only thing where I somewhat disagree with you is the kind of porn the characters in this scene are watching. As you can probably imagine, I've no love for porn, so a humorous take on the corniest and crassest of it could have worked well for me. Had the story succeeded in passing from funny to not-so-funny-anymore, contrasting the ersatz sex with real live heat and making me feel the characters got aroused despite the ludicrousness of the material because of being together, I'd have thought it a smart choice.

 

[sr71plt]

I think there's enough dilemma/resolution in this for me to be a story (barely). I see two guys moving from just assuming they were heterosexual (not being deep thinkers to begin with) to realizing they are at least bi--and attracted to each other enough to pursue their shared sexual relationship (but still not being particularly deep thinkers). (Apparently they didn't realize this in at least one earlier encounter.) I'm not sure I see the author as seeing that there was a resolution, though.

I'd probably have continued this story with them going up to Eric's bedroom and really having at each other--without the aid of a video--and then maybe having the added resolution of not being so dopey about their sexuality.

 

[ThinkerLover]

Thank you!

So grateful for the response and the great feedback! All well-taken.

 

[ThinkerLover]

Hoping there will be more replies as time wears on...

 

[IzzyAndy]

I am indeed a girl who find curious!m/m incredibly sexy. I didn't find this that erotic - not sure why. I think it was too deeply inside the character's head for that.

On the flip side, I really enjoyed reading it because it came across as more than just a stroker. I found that I wanted to read more, to find about more about the characters.

So ... *shrugs* depending on what you were aiming for, a success?

 

[ThinkerLover]

I am indeed a girl who find curious!m/m incredibly sexy. I didn't find this that erotic - not sure why. I think it was too deeply inside the character's head for that.

On the flip side, I really enjoyed reading it because it came across as more than just a stroker. I found that I wanted to read more, to find about more about the characters.

So ... *shrugs* depending on what you were aiming for, a success?

Thank you!

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[Crash2012]

It was an exciting quick read. I don't usually read stories in POV but I really enjoyed it. Good luck