Eroticism

[Beatles5]

Actually this is the rough idea for a poem. The Genesis of a creation that will be much better (hopefully) in its final form.

Let me know what you think.

Eroticism by Beatles5

I find my freedom in the midst of eroticism.
I find my liberation in the midst of eroticism.
I find my spirituality in the midst of eroticism.

I find God when my ass is filled with latex cock,
And find community with the angels...
When I'm serving my master's needs.

And Heaven to me ain't no far off invisible place...
I find it whenever my cum explodes into...
The warm wetness of a firey cunt.

And I don't find Hell in eternal fire...
I find it within the realms,
Of a cold and frigied bed.


Would appreciate your opinions!

 

[WickedEve]

First stanza comments

Your first stanza could use some work. It's... well, it's not very inspiring, and it reads like a list. But like you said, this is a draft so I understand.

Using freedom and liberation is redundant.
You could start out with:
In the midst of eroticism
I find spirituality and liberation.
Or you could show us how you find these things. Something I've been told and I've heard time and again: Show, don't tell.

As far as the rest, I'll get back to you or wait for someone else to comment.

Welcome to the board. I hope you find some suggestions that work for you.

Eve

 

[Mythos50]

All of what WickedEve said!

I would only add:

I noticed “ain’t” “firey” and “frigied” are misspelled. This will 'fire' up a few here on the boards, lol.

Poor English: “ain’t no” if you allow for ‘ain’t’ would be a double negative.

Device use: “…” used when not needed.

The repetitive use of phrases “I find my”, “in the midst of” distracting. Seen enough times most people who read a lot of poetry will stop at the first stanza.

I hope this helps you in your re-write. You may wish to check out some of the references and resources posted here.

 

[Guest]

I'm sure it's all relative, but this, to me, isn't erotic. It's too brutal and blunt. I'm sure some find brutality and bluntness very erotic.

Just my opinion.

 

[Beatles5]

I agree with all three of you...but it was just something that popped into my head while I was listening to a minister give a boring sermon....I was thinking about how some people find God through sexual liberation. I know I do....I'll work out the rough edges...LOL...there are plenty of them!LOL....

 

[Beatles5]

Eve

Thank you for the warm welcome...

 

[Mythos50]

...was just something that popped into my head while I was listening to a minister give a boring sermon....I was thinking about how some people find God through sexual liberation.

Now there you go! That would be an interesting point to start from.


just a suggestion

 

[Beatles5]

That is a good idea....Thank you!

 

[Angeline]

Hi Beatles person!

and welcome to the poetry board. It's a brave thing to post a poem here for review, so good on you for doing it. I think your sentiment--about eroticism being a religious experience--is a great idea for a poem. I'm glad you put your first thoughts here, and hope you'll post revisions; we all learn from each other that way.

I tend to agree with GP--what you have is not yet erotic poetry, but it can get there. Right now you have a collection of ideas, stating what you think is divine (in the religious sense, lol, about sex). In order to get it from there to poetry, think about the following:

1. Imagery--simile and metaphor. Exactly how are sex and religion alike? Use examples (e.g., doing whatever for your lover is like genuflecting, body parts or sex toys are religious icons, worshiping your master is prayer). The idea here is not to say "I think blah blah," but to let your imagination run wild--as if you are painting a picture or filming a scene--and describe what you see.

2. Format--now that you have all these compelling images written down think about how to set them up to emphasize what you think is important. Where should lines end? Do you want to indent anything or skip lines? Center stuff? These are all things you can do to improve the poem, make it grab your reader's attention. The best way to decide these things is to read your poem aloud--over and over, if necessay. You'll "hear" where to put the emphasis.

3. Edit--Go back and reread--especially look for cliches. For example, to me a phrase like

the deep blue sky

is boring cause I've seen it a million times. But if I say

a sky faded as old blue jeans

or

cerulean painted over trees

or some such, I get the message across in a fresh way.

Also, clean up typos and punctuate, etc., if you want to do that. Then post here (or email to me if you like, but here you'll get more opinions) for another critique. This is growth for us all!

One final comment. You've chosen a pretty controversial topic, which you probably know. If you write this poem and post it--even here--you'll probably get slammed by some. Hypocritical? Yep, but it happens. It wouldn't stop me from writing what I want, but forewarned as they say is forearmed...

 

[Beatles5]

So that you can better understand the poem that I am trying to write...I feel that I should describe to you the circumstances that I was in when the original concept of it popped into my head. I was sitting there in church that in regards to its design holds to the concept that simplicity is beautiful. But within those simple but beautiful walls...dead people are buried. And your sitting there looking at huge cross that symbolizes death. Victory over death but nonetheless...death. And your ears can't escape hearing about death because the minister is up there talking about death. And even when you look out the window...to day dream...you can't escape it because your eyes gaze out upon the cemetery that surrounds the place. So maybe the only way you can escape it even momentarily...is by escaping into the erotic visions that are within your own head. And by listening to the voices of the dead (and of eroticism) that are telling you to live before you die. Instead of listening to the voices of the living dead that are telling you to die while you are still alive.

Hope that clears things up a bit.

 

[Mythos50]

Sorry, Beatles5, I can't help you re-write your poem; however, your poem and posts did get me thinking about irreverent things and such and... well, I got this alternate poem:


* * * * *


In a church preachers wail
Tell great truth of holy grail;
My freedom lies in other way
Outside walls I’d rather pray.

They want freedom on other side
Give me latex lubed cock; I’ll ride.
They have angel's feathered wings
I have master’s leathered things.

I commune best when I explode
Be warm cunt or cold commode,
Though if the choice I do have
Make mine for a warmed up lav’.

Why did I go to church this day,
Seems my mind’s on erotic play
I should come back another time-
I’ll Pray to God I don’t go blind.


* * * * *

Have you done any re-writes? Post what you have if so and let us see where things can go from there.

And please, do not take my attempt at a poem seriously. I have a strange muse that has many problems figuring out this art of poetry writing. I write these silly things now and again to appease my own soul's burning desire to be a writer capable of eliciting emotions and creating memorable imagery.

 

[Angeline]

Your comments

I do understand the distinction you're making--yes it is different from what I thought--more complex and maybe more about a process that leads to a conclusion?

Still I think my comments about imagery and format (as well as editing) to distinguish poetry from prose stand regardless of content. You probably know this very well anyway--my intent is certainly never to suggest that a poet doesn't know these things. Still if someone asks for feedback, those are what I want to recommend.

 

[Beatles5]

Comments

Angeline...your absolutely right it is a process that is going to lead to a conclusion. I like posting my work as it develops so that others can see how it develops and give me some insite on where I should take it. Your comments are greatly appreciated and were right on the money. So were the others. I'm used to writing for readers that don't know much about mysticism...(hence the simplicity of Fairies and Leprechuans) and greatly appreciate the comments that the writers have given me out here. I have to grow. Because the quality of the writers is readers is much higher on this board. As a matter when Eroticism is completed...I was thinking about crediting to an author that I just made up instead of giving it to Beatles5. I am going to call the new author Collective Effort as my way of thanking you, Mythos50, Wicked Eve and everybody else that has so thoughtfully helped me with their constructive criticism. Your efforts are warmly received and greatly appreciated.