Endless Curiosity

[DarkSimian]

Quick note.. Slightly apropo. Those who impersonate others! They suck!!
Those who have driven good people off lit either by misusing their pics or with abuse? They suck too!!
I have had friends who turned out to be false gendered (not in the currently being Good way!! No problem with that!) I have lost friends due to others being absolute a-holes
Early on.. I was taught by a very wise Lit woman, treat others as if they are real people. Amazingly simple logical approach!!

wait, y'all are really people? not me, I'm a hologram....

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

totally off topic, but I really like seeing RA back

 

[DarkSimian]

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

bumping VT's thread..

 

[Girly_girl]

I, too, have developed friendships here only to have them disappear. It's frustrating not knowing what is going on with them or why they left. But, like you said, when they wander off into the real world it's a good thing. I think it may be easier that way.

For those that (hypothetically) get involved in intimate relationships here that end, but the other party is still here ... I don't know. I wonder how they deal with it. With seeing their ex-whatever flirting and teasing, joking around. Lit may be world wide, but the forums are somewhat divided into small communities defined by time zones. The ones that actively engage tend to spend the majority of their time on one board. Suddenly, Lit becomes a small town with only one gas station, one mini-mart, one blinking light. How do you avoid the ex then? Leaving seems like the obvious solution, but then you become that friend that vanished into the night.

Speaking of night, it's late and I'm rambling.

It does suck when it comes to an end and you see them with someone else. I know we are just behind a computer screen but there are real people behind them with feelings. But you establish such a connection to your lit "lover" it hurts just as much as if they were a real lover.

 

[Endless_Night]

<snip>

How do you handle Lit exes when things come to a sticky D) end?

<snip>

Apparently I’ve been lucky. I had no idea how common it was for Lit friends to disappear.

As for the - hypothetical - question:

I find myself uncomfortable when people can’t keep their differences off the board. The occasional rant or blurt about an anonymous ex doesn’t bother me, it’s when you know who the participants are that it gets…awkward. The public relationships gone bad, or even the private ones, where the breakup hostility is enough to bring things into public view can, on occasion, get ugly. Pointed remarks, passive aggressive comments, snide little jabs - talk about clearing a thread!

On the flip side, people talk about being "ghosted" or just discarded with no explanation. Incredibly crappy behavior, and I can see where people get pissed. If you are incapable of treating others with respect, perhaps you should keep up your pants.

 

[ViciousTease]

bumping VT's thread..

Thanks RA.

 

[Trekka]

Nice thread here, VT

Very thoughtful stuff...

For those that come here to explore interests and ideas that you SO doesn't share, is this enough? What if, upon exploration, you find that Lit is not enough? At what point does the gap between your interests become too wide to bridge? Will you seek a better fit or accept your limited reality?

When I first came to the forums it was not so much due to a gap in interests, but more an act of desperation. At the time, I thought I was here for a fix, that Lit was a toe in the waters of "opening things up," something we'd convinced ourselves might help save our flagging marriage.

But we had many issues -- RA's post sounded *very* familiar to me -- and no web forum (nor seven years of couples counseling, countless self help books, geographical cures, yelling, screaming, begging, pleading, hashing, re-hashing, you name it) could have fixed our incompatibilities.

Eventually I threw in the towel.

But I will say that the attention and positive feedback I received on this forum, and other inter-webby places, helped me, in part, to summon the courage I needed to leave. It was here that I realized I was a desirable person. I had forgotten that after years of rejection.

Now, a few years later, I've met a great guy who, amongst other wonderful qualities, is as kinky (and affectionate!) as I am, and he knows of my Lit antics. He thinks it's sexy. I was open about it with him from the time we met, and I love that he enjoys, and can keep up with (even exceed) my voracious appetite for all things sexy.

So, in short, for me, Marriage Probs --> Lit --> the Big D (woulda happened with or without Lit) --> Things are much better now

.
For those that (hypothetically) get involved in intimate relationships here that end, but the other party is still here <snip> Suddenly, Lit becomes a small town with only one gas station, one mini-mart, one blinking light. How do you avoid the ex then?

I really like the small town analogy.

I find that with time, the tears dry, the desire to set the person on fire subsides, and eventually we become friends again I'm on good terms with all of my Lit "exes" ... Takes some time to get there, but eventually it happens. For me, at least.

And then ya find new peeps at the mini-mart to be naughty with!

 

[aussiegeekygal]

I guess I'm an anomaly when it comes to lit relationships. Perhaps I keep people at an arms length, but I've not invested much into people I meet here, and therefore don't have the problem of an ex around these parts. It could also be that I'm an inconsiderate ass who is all flirty (it is lit after all), but doesn't pick up on the affection on the other side?! (That just dawned on me as a possibility...) I can see how easy it would be to fall in lust with friends you net here, which inevitably leads to an uncommon love story.

Believe it or not, most of my time here is spent out in the open. I rarely PM and with very limited exceptions, I don't take things offline. I get that real life happens, and when people go missing, I figure they're out doing what they do best. I can't imagine being ghosted by someone who I'd developed feelings for. That would suck immensely.

 

[meop79]

I think if you're coming here and your SO doesn't know or share your interests you've already got big problems with your relationship. There are a number of ways to resolve such problems, but you will ultimately pick one of them.

I once had a true Lit relationship, we fell in love, I flew out to be with her twice, it ended very badly. I didn't come back to lit for a while after that, I just couldn't do it.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I think if you're coming here and your SO doesn't know or share your interests you've already got big problems with your relationship. There are a number of ways to resolve such problems, but you will ultimately pick one of them.

I once had a true Lit relationship, we fell in love, I flew out to be with her twice, it ended very badly. I didn't come back to lit for a while after that, I just couldn't do it.

Kudos to you for taking the real life step of going to meet her. At least now you know that it wasn't going to work out.
I'm sorry it ended badly for you though. (((Hugs)))

 

[PeteHulbert37]

I'm sometimes envious of those in an open relationship. That would be such an amazing experience. However, in my situation, it wouldn't necessary help. Lit is an escape for me. Many of my other avenues have been infringed upon, so I use this one. I need it. If she were here, I would not want to be. Not because I don't want to share with her, but because I need my space.

In a perfect world, I'd have my independence, but that's many years down a bumpy road for me.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I want to answer this question, but some of it is still too fresh and I'm afraid my reply would reflect that. But the short answer is the ignore button.

 

[just4friends]

I want to answer this question, but some of it is still too fresh and I'm afraid my reply would reflect that. But the short answer is the ignore button.

Glad you post elsewhere. Sorry about the "fresh"

It's kosher to go back to the first question? I will need a computer to write more on that

 

[Azuldrgon]

How do you handle Lit exes when things come to a sticky D) end?

Yes, I know ... no one here engages in playtime and no here has ever gotten too attached to another Litster. So ... hypothetically, how would/should you deal with it?

Wow!!

I would love to say that I haven't had this problem, but I have.
I wrote an essay on it that I posted on Lit about Online Relationships and it was based mostly on my experiences. I had a sticky ending with someone who was jealous at every woman I hugged on here and who wanted to take me away from my spouse in real life. After breaking it off, I left Lit for a time.

This was probably the extreme case because the last time I checked, we are all adults here. In real life, we sometimes have to deal with exes more than we would like. In the perfect world of Lit, if there was one, it would be to simply proceed as if everything is all right and just not associate with them. Maybe move away from the threads you like to frequent with them and such.
But since we all know Lit isn't perfect, it's all about trying to keep the drama to a minimum. If you two ended on less than friendly terms, don't talk to each other. Don't dredge up private information you two shared. Don't try to troll them and harass their new love, etc.

It is also a good reason why if I do get involved with someone, I keep it off here. Maybe I drop a subtile hint once in a while to tease them or whatever. But I don't start threads with them and I do not label them to make them a target for any possible harassment. I don't think anyone cares who I am with anyway.

 

[ViciousTease]

...And then ya find new peeps at the mini-mart to be naughty with!

I need to start hanging out at the mini-mart.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I'm enjoying the conversation, not only getting to know you all a little better, but also hearing the different approaches and opinions.

We've been knee deep in Lit for two days, so let's step away for a moment:

How do you handle relatives or friends who just will not get off the self-pity train?

You know the type: "There are no good men (or women) left" . "My money problems are not of my own making" (they have nothing to do with the fact that I won’t work and overspend). "My luck is just bad" (people should help me). "I’m am not responsible for my own happiness!!!"

 

[Azuldrgon]

How do you handle relatives or friends who just will not get off the self-pity train?

You know the type: "There are no good men (or women) left" . "My money problems are not of my own making" (they have nothing to do with the fact that I won’t work and overspend). "My luck is just bad" (people should help me). "I’m am not responsible for my own happiness!!!"

I tell them to shut up.

I'm not kidding.

I seriously look them in the eye or take a loud breath and tell them in a quiet firm Dom-style voice to shut up.

I then explain to them that they can do it, they will do it and if they don't that it is their own decision that makes it for them. It does make things tense for a bit, but ultimately it lets them know that I do not accept their excuses as facts. After busting my ass as long as I have, I know that excuses breed failure.

By the way....*hugs* this is a very wonderful thread.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I need to start hanging out at the mini-mart.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I'm enjoying the conversation, not only getting to know you all a little better, but also hearing the different approaches and opinions.

We've been knee deep in Lit for two days, so let's step away for a moment:

How do you handle relatives or friends who just will not get off the self-pity train?

You know the type: "There are no good men (or women) left" . "My money problems are not of my own making" (they have nothing to do with the fact that I won’t work and overspend). "My luck is just bad" (people should help me). "I’m am not responsible for my own happiness!!!"

"Quitcher Bitchin"
Usually followed with "Are you serious?"
And then proceed with examples of why they're being idiotic...

 

[ViciousTease]

By the way....*hugs* this is a very wonderful thread.

Thank you, darlin. I must admit that Endless_Night is the brainchild behind the thread. "She made me do it!" She's also the source of today's question, so kisses for EN.

(Speaking of questions, if any of you have a topic you'd like to see discussed, shoot me a PM.)

"Quitcher Bitchin"
Usually followed with "Are you serious?"
And then proceed with examples of why they're being idiotic...

LOL You and I are a lot alike. I tend to "shock and awe". I'll tell them very bluntly to stop bitching. Then I explain that it's time to get off of the blame train and grow the "f" up. You have to take responsibility for who and where you are. No one can make you happy, no one can make you sad, no one can make you anything. It's all about choices. Make better ones.

 

[Trekka]

I do *not* spin my wheels trying to get other people to change their world view. If someone wants to externalize, or experience epic self-pity, that's their choice. The only people I will spend time trying to guide are my minor children.

For me, when I encounter these types of family members, friends, and acquaintances, I tune out the droning. I think about where I'd next like to go on vacation. I repeat mantras in my head. And if appropriate, I just tell them I love them, I'm sorry they feel that way, and that this too shall pass.

If they ask for my opinion? I *try* to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean.

And if it's unbearable to listen to them beyond a certain point, I just don't. I end the conversation, I leave... I take care of myself. I won't join the pity party. It's not healthy for me, or them. This takes practice, and I've had to learn how to do it over time, without feeling guilty about it. Having my own healthy support circle to share with helps.

 

[numeniusa]

<snip>
say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean.
</snip>

What a brilliant way of putting it. That's such a good thing to have in your head if you're in a difficult position of telling someone something they're not going to like hearing. *tips hat*

I'm really enjoying this thread, VT. Haven't had anything worth contributing (yet?), but I'm loving all the questions and everyone's thoughtful answers.

 

[Endless_Night]

After reading everyone else's responses I see that I'm handling this type of thing wrong!

Part of the problem is that I'm a fixer. I like to take a problem apart, look at all the possible angles and outcome, and put it back together all shiny new and improved. Normally I don't get caught up in people's whine, but...there is one particular family member where I just continue to get sucked in. Maddening, and pointless, and I'm not sure why I can't break free. Guilt, maybe? We shared an unpleasant childhood. I've moved on, but they've never quite managed....

It is so incredibly draining, not to mention exhausting.

Yeah, I know. I am an idiot.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I have to say that it depends on what kind of mood I am in, unfortunately.

If I am in a teaching mode, I will put my patience cap on and try and coach them through finding their own answers to one of their problems and then say.. See? No problem

If I'm in a less than patient mood, they might get anything up to and including a very blunt.. Wow, sucks to be you

Most if the time I will simply make a few helpful suggestions, and then assure them they can handle their own problems if they continue to bitch. I find telling someone they can handle something to be a much better future deterrent than just telling them to shut up. Negative people thrive in a negative world, so I try not to feed them.

 

[Trekka]

It is so incredibly draining, not to mention exhausting.

When you get on an airplane, they tell you in their emergency oxygen-mask shpiel "If you are traveling with someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person."

I'm of no use to anyone if I'm not in decent shape myself. I used to think this was selfish. Now I know it's self-care. Big difference.

And, in my experience, other people must "fix" themselves. I can only fix myself. This I've come to learn the hard way, over decades of banging my head against brick walls, and, like you mentioned EN, exhausting myself.

 

[Endless_Night]

< If I'm in a less than patient mood, they might get anything up to and including a very blunt.. Wow, sucks to be you >

LOL! So that's why I occasionally get a "sucks to be you" response!