Encouraging wife very gradually
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MrMentor7
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That makes sense. "Baby steps" is a figure of speech for a reason. I also think a form of "action then reward" can work as well and it looks like you did some of this. Maybe you wife was not into being dominant, but after she saw how much you enjoyed it, it reinforced her attitude about taking control. If I find something that pleases my lover, it is not easy for me to stop doing it unless I really do not like doing it. Also, I then enjoy doing it even when I did not used to because I associate that action with a pleasurable feeling (pleasing my lover).
~Haze~
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I also think she has to be inclined to accept that role, demeanor and position. It's also good if you can identify and/or separate different aspects of your life/relationship this will extend to. Whether it be a constant role or just something in the bedroom.
But you can take all the babysteps you want. If she's not inclined to that position, she's not going to take to it.
I suspect that there's probably a lot of natural demeanor that attracted you two toward each other in the first place. Some of that probably included your more submissive tendencies to her more dominant tendencies. And now you're finding just how rewarding it can be to develop that side of her (and yourself).
But you can take all the babysteps you want. If she's not inclined to that position, she's not going to take to it.
I suspect that there's probably a lot of natural demeanor that attracted you two toward each other in the first place. Some of that probably included your more submissive tendencies to her more dominant tendencies. And now you're finding just how rewarding it can be to develop that side of her (and yourself).
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it sounds a bit cheesy, but you could also encourage her by buying her clothes to match the role... acting out can help lower the barriers to actually taking on a behaviour.
So a good quality steel boned corset, some beautiful heels etc... it could help.
So a good quality steel boned corset, some beautiful heels etc... it could help.
~Haze~
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It makes sense. They always say... dress for the job you want. Not the job you have.
Netzach
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Depends on the woman.
A lot of women find the accoutrements fun and sexy.
A lot of women might feel put on the spot, made to feel cheap or strongarmed into something they're not, something they feel is ridiculous.
If you want to defer to a woman, then do it. Don't manipulate her into what you want, pay attention to what she wants.
The things that make you feel "soooo submissive" simply aren't if she's not wanting them.
A lot of women find the accoutrements fun and sexy.
A lot of women might feel put on the spot, made to feel cheap or strongarmed into something they're not, something they feel is ridiculous.
If you want to defer to a woman, then do it. Don't manipulate her into what you want, pay attention to what she wants.
The things that make you feel "soooo submissive" simply aren't if she's not wanting them.
~Haze~
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Just like anything else, communication goes a long way. Ironically, I think the thing about 'baby-steps' is they get to play without talking about it. They don't have to articulate and communicate what they're doing.
For some people, that can make it too much. Once you say it, it's real. It goes from something that just happened in the bedroom to a conscious choice. And, if you're taking baby-steps, that choice might be too much to handle right now.
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that was my thinking. Also if it's introduced as a game and made out like it's just playacting, then it's a safe way to introduce it.
This is true, and also why men should never ever buy underwear, but get a female friend to help them.
If she has even the tiniest domme bone in her body, it will probably start to twitch a little if she is presented with a beautifully made corset and sexy (yet practical) heels.
If she really isn't into it... then she isn't.
and if you suddenly start deferring to her, then she may get confused. I know if mr trb started doing that i'd think he was either being unfaithful or was hiding some other secret.
midwestyankee
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When you talk with her about this outside of the bedroom, what does she say about it? Has she ever initiated sessions in which she dominates you? Does she get to decide how you submit to her?
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Works OK for me, but I know a lot of women as Dominant as I am who would be like "you have to be kidding."
Whatever makes your wife feel good is imperative here. That could be a corset, new silk pajamas, or a set of new power tools with a note that says "drill me" - spoiling the spouse never hurts.
Netzach
>semiotics?
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Baby steps for whose benefit?
Frankly if it's a fetishist man getting off on molding his wife's behavior to his kink, more power to him, but don't call it submitting.
It doesn't have to be negotiated. It's sitting there with a HUGE smile when she says she'd like to go to her relatives for Thanksgiving. It's getting her tea. Remembering her favorite things. Doing it the way she wants it. Because that's gratifying when you are submissive.
BiBunny
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You said this better than I could've.
~Haze~
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Oh, I agree entirely. But I'm not sure how that relates to my post. I was suggesting that because they're going slowly, they haven't articulated the thoughts, roles, fantasies that they're engaging in (and what he's hoping for).
Doing it is one thing. Saying it, talking about it, admitting it - to yourself and to each other is another thing. And it can be a big step for a lot of people. Particularly people who just started to 'dabble'.
tigressnred
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First of all let me say this is a very brave move to post this on lit.....I have the deepest respect for you....Second I am on the same but opposite side of the spectrum...as I am " baby stepping" my husband in to the Dom lifestyle particularly Daddy/lilgirl with me being the bratty teenager sort of role....He definently has it in him, as he is strarting to explore this side of himself now. It does work....we have been married 15 years and in that time my whole existence has been about pleasing him...it does work....if you concentrate on pleasing her in every " little" thing she desires it will bring it out in her if it is there.
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OK, I'm sorry, I laughed.
MrMentor7
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I did too, but only under the assumption Kristaok was making that post, tongue-on-cheek.
Bustymagoo
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It all depends on your wife, and of course, no one knows her betterthan you.
I recomend looking at sexy clothing together, it's bonding, Helps her feel out what your into, plus, it opens up communication. Plus it's just plain fun!
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EzraPound
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In the back of Wiseman's book SM101, is a short chapter just for Vanilla wives to quickly get them in to it and how to do it, when your not so much a Dominate.
But I have said befor that I strongly belive there are many more Dominate females out there than we realize, thier just being held back by social conditioning and the seaming contradiction of "hurting the one you love". and the carnage wrought by the fantasy of a compleatly egalitarian relationship as the ideal we should all strive for....
(yes officer I'm going you don't have to push...okok...I promise i won't do it again)
But I have said befor that I strongly belive there are many more Dominate females out there than we realize, thier just being held back by social conditioning and the seaming contradiction of "hurting the one you love". and the carnage wrought by the fantasy of a compleatly egalitarian relationship as the ideal we should all strive for....
(yes officer I'm going you don't have to push...okok...I promise i won't do it again)
Lizzie_Borden
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Just a quick FYP because gosh, that irks me.
As for 'hurting the one you love'...well don't you hurt them because you love them? I know the only one I want hurting me is the one who loves me..
EzraPound
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"As for 'hurting the one you love'...well don't you hurt them because you love them? I know the only one I want hurting me is the one who loves me.. "-Lizzie_Borden.
Well of course silly!
but to someone just starting down this road it feels like your hurting the one you love, that you shouldn't ,that it's wrong.
This is the hurdle - getting someone "vanilla" to understand .
I think if his wife understood about "this" the rest would be easy, just a matter of style
Well of course silly!
but to someone just starting down this road it feels like your hurting the one you love, that you shouldn't ,that it's wrong.
This is the hurdle - getting someone "vanilla" to understand .
I think if his wife understood about "this" the rest would be easy, just a matter of style
