... encourage new things

[Zergplex]

Ranger and I have been to the Anniversary Inn once before -- stayed in the Mysteries of Egypt room.
(I think I'll have to start a whole thread on the Anniversary Inn... otherwise I'll hijack my own thread with a whole 'nother topic! And I'll even make it into a How To question!!!)

Naive One, I would LOVE to be able to just come right out and say, "Hey. Let's try *this* tonight." But some things I am afraid of broaching the topic of because they are things that would feasibly turn some people off. And I am NOT about to jeopardize a night of great sex just for a kink I'd like to experiment with.

What would you do to bring up something like that in a regular, 'during the day' conversation with your SO?

Ang

*shrugs* maybe the relationship I have is unique, but honestly for us we would just ask each other about it normally. ^_^() most people arn't as open about stuff like this as we are though. I mean the worst he can do is say no right?

-Zergplex

 

[NaiveOne]

Naive One, I would LOVE to be able to just come right out and say, "Hey. Let's try *this* tonight." But some things I am afraid of broaching the topic of because they are things that would feasibly turn some people off. And I am NOT about to jeopardize a night of great sex just for a kink I'd like to experiment with.

Oh Ang, you silly goose.

I think you're not giving your man and the relationship enough credit. From what I know of you, you are a wonderful woman. Loving. Encouraging. Funny. Caring. Damn Sexy, too. Ranger loves all these things about you, more than possibly being turned off by a new sexual idea. (This is where/when you want to agree with me, Ranger hint, hint). And I say *possibly* because it is very possible he might be thinking along the same lines. Granted, you want to bring up these wild fantasies in the right atmosphere. And I agree with not wanting to lose a night of great sex; I wasn't thinking about that earlier (sorry!).

I have to be honest here, I'm terrible at bringing stuff up that would make anyone uncomfortable. Unfortunately, all ( and I mean ALL) of my emotions show on my face. My former SO would have to take me into the bedroom, lay me down, hold me tight, and wait patiently until I could talk about what was bothering me. Even the night I broke up with him. I really appretiated that about him, he knew how to be there for me. And I hope Ranger knows you by now, and how to help you get this out in the open in the best way possible. Especially since he knows what you want to talk about.

Ang, in any case, be brave. I know it's scary to be vulnerable and possibly face rejection. But you have a wonderful man who loves for who you are, not soley because of your sexuality.

Now go get 'em girl!! I hope all this lead to amazing sex, in brand new ways you could have only dreamed about! Chin up! Shoulders out! And nipples erect!

Best wishes Ang!






for you

 

[CelticFrog]

Um.
Wow.
Thanks.
Ang

 

[NaiveOne]

Your welcome?

 

[herecomestherain]

Just remembered...

The "no risk, get in in while they are defenceless technique". Wait until you are both in the luxurious recovery phase of a particularly hot session then quietly say..."God that was great, I love it when you........(enter personal preference here)..."you know next time I'm going to..........".(enter desire here) or "another time would you/could we.........."I've tried this method and it does work. Just plant the seed of the idea and there is no pressure on either side to act on it straight away.

Be brave, life's too short not to get what you really desire. I'm not saying we've got it all worked out. We've been married 15 years and we are discovering new facets of each other and ourselves all the time.It helps if you can stay playful about things then it just seems like you're playing a new game or an old game in a slightly different way.

Over at SandM.com on their Dear Dom advice board I like the way this question was framed. "Is there anything, anything at all, that you have ever wanted to do with me sexually, but maybe thought I wouldn't want to do, or wouldn't accept?"

And finally the lovely Violet Blue as if reading our minds has just written an article about introducing your lover to your fantasies.

http://www.tinynibbles.com/newfantasies.html
She writes in a great style, recommended reading.

 

[SexyChele]

Great thread idea, Celtic!

For me, I was not all that sexually adventurous when I was younger, so the men in my life had to do all the introducing. But it did teach me some things.

First, I think it's important to consider the other person's "never go there" boundaries. We all have them. They may seem extreme to some, tame to others, but they should be respected. My S/O doesn't want me to do anything anal on him - not even a finger while giving him a blowjob. I would like to experiement with this, show him just how pleasurable it might be, but I respect his boundaries even more and will never suggest it. (Unless he comes to me first, and he already knows I would be open to it!)

Now, on to your questions:

What are different ways you've introduced more experimentation? In any situation?

It depends on the situation, really. Example 1: I was learning how to bring my S/O to orgasm solely by blowjob (no hands at all), and he had told me it was difficult/took a long time. I got him all hot and bothered with oral sex until I thought he was close, and then I got on my knees and asked him to jack off for me. He doesn't like to do that when I'm around, but he was so turned on and so close to orgasm that he did it. Example 2: Valentine's Day is coming up and I want the full night of kink. Nipple clamps, bound, blindfolded, spanked - the works! He has done spanking a couple of times before but he still has hesitation about it. What to do? I'm going to start off by sending him pictures of various lingerie that I'm thinking of buying (already purchased it of course, but creating a visual image in his mind). Then I'll hint at having a night to beat all nights ahead of him. I'll think of other things throughout the week that will get his mind thinking of "that night" and letting him know I have something I really want from him. Then, at dinner, I'll go into detail about what I want, how I want to be tied up, what forms of "torture" I want to engage in. Will he say yes? I really have no idea. I know he dislikes the idea of binding and blindfolding. But I know that by then he'll be so turned on, he'll be willing to do a lot more than usual to please me.

So, as I said, it comes down to different situations. Sometimes a whispered desire at the heat of passion (men are so much more easy to manipulate into situations when their dicks are hard!), or long drawn out teasing, or sending him a picture of various toys/functions/positions to get the notion into his head.

How did you overcome fear of rejection?

No matter how much a person loves you, there will come a time when they will say "no." It doesn't necessarily mean the person is rejecting you, they are rejecting the idea. Think of this way: if you and your hubby want to take a vacation and you really want to go to Hawaii, but your husband wants to go to camping do you get upset if he tells you Hawaii is a "no go"? Do you sulk? Do you feel as though the relationship is over? I didn't think so. You talk. You compromise. You may both decide to put Hawaii off until later.

Rejection is simply saying no to an idea in this case. And sometimes it is much harder to say no to the person you love! After all, wouldn't most of us want to give the person we love all we (and they) desire? Rejection is tough on both people, but it's a part of life. Just keep in mind that it is the idea being rejected, not you. Plus, if you don't venture forth for fear of rejection, you never know when you might get that "okay, let's try it" that you want to hear!

How did you overcome *mild* taboo worries?
(I'm not talking deep seated convictions here)

Taboos are difficult because they are often rooted in one's upbringing. But between people who love each other and are commited to one another should there be taboos? (Yes, of course there are, but why?) I know for me I've sometimes had to simply lay my faith in my S/O and the fact that he loves me. This is not always easy for me when he wants anal sex and I know things are going to be "messy." I know in my own mind that he really doesn't mind, but it is a bit of a turn off for me. I go through with it, and will eventually enjoy it, but there is that first few moments when I feel "uneasy." Because I know that feeling, it makes me better understand his "taboos." I know anal play on him is a taboo (men are not supposed to enjoy anal play or they are gay). I'm sensitive to it, while at the same time letting him know that I don't think there is anything wrong with a man receiving anal pleasure - but assuring him I won't do it to him.

How did you encourage your SO to talk about their interests beyond what you've already tried?

For me it was really easy because he knew from the beginning that I wrote "naughty stories." When we first started dating, he read each one. I had told him that only two were based on real life experience and challenged him to find them. It got us talking right away, and since I also shared some of the responses I received from readers, he knew I'd heard it all and discussed it all. He could ask me anything and I wouldn't be offended or put off. And by knowing where/what I had done been through (my stories, while not real life, are based on things I've tried), it gave us a point to start comparing what areas he was interested in. That's how I found out he wanted to explore spanking.

How have you encouraged that sort of communication in general?

By letting him know that any subject between us stays between us. He can trust me that if he brings up a topic that seems embarassing or uncomfortable, I'm not going to run out and discuss it with my girlfriends or tease him in front of his friends. I respect his opinions, his experiences, and his boundaries. I don't get upset about what most women do (a major mistake, IMO), such as when he notices another woman. I've let him know that whatever he talks to me about is fine, and that we can talk about anything that comes to mind. By building up faith and trust in bringing up topics, it is easy to further that by turning it to the sexual. Or so I've found.

Sorry for the length, but if you find any of this helpful than that's all that matters!

 

[Ylvie]

I have to agree with whoever mentioned the aftermath. After sex, I'm totally relaxed, I feel very loved, and I get very open-minded - so that any suggestion or talk concerning sex is very much welcome. It is after sex I have brought up all of my fantasies and passed them off to him, despite my boyfriend being much less kinky than I am (I suppose he's what you'd call vanilla). We have made it almost a habit to talk about sex after having it. Sometimes we lack a subject, naturally, as we have talked a lot of things over both three and four times, but very often we repeat something. Or also, we enter something new. This is where I drop my subtle hints. First I ask him what we have not spoken about yet (for then to say "OK, so what's your opinions on, say, anal sex?)" Or I tell him I have checked out an Internet forum where I read about, for instance, spanking. Then I ask what his opinions are on this, or also I just see his response when I mention the word at all. If he seems to be curious (he's always been, up to now), I slowly let him know that this actually turns me on a lot. In the end I drop the whole thing about it being a fantasy for me, and I explain him what the fantasy is. When it came to spanking, I made him cooperate with me and imagine how the situation would be, by letting him tell me what would be a mean and teasing thing to do, which would deserve punishment, and for then to tell him I was not to explain him in detail what to do, the point was that HE had to take action. The first times I dropped these hints, I was rather embarassed, as with the first time I told him about control-fantasies (I like him to be in control), but now lately I have opened up a lot. Have explained him how I want to be tied up, how I want to be spanked, how I want him to simply fuck me real hard at times, how I really like it when he talks to me (not VERY dirty talking, just talking as a whole) - and he has come to like all of them. These days, he is the one hinting more about living out the spanking fantasy! However he doesn't understand that there are fantasies I might not want to live out. He doesn't fully understand that I might get very turned on thinking of gang bangs or group sex, but that I would not enjoy it for real (I think). Therefore, some fantasies are left unspoken of (yet).

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Currently I am sending a group of PM's to my girlfriend, each one a small part of one continious fantasy. She has to wait each day to recieve another section of the fantasy. Since I can write this without talking to her, or even having her online I can be a bit more open then normal. And I could throw anything I want in there, and have time to brace myself to the reaction later on ^_^()

-Zergplex

 

[CelticFrog]

You know, I had never even considered PMs. I had thought about email, but not PMs. Sad. I will now consider what I want to PM him with. Hm. Yes.

Keep the good suggestions coming!!!
Ang

 

[Zergplex]

You know, I had never even considered PMs. I had thought about email, but not PMs. Sad. I will now consider what I want to PM him with. Hm. Yes.

Keep the good suggestions coming!!!
Ang

Glad my idea caught your fancy (or fantasy as the case may be). My biggest regret is asking if my SO liked the PM's because I was wondering if she got them. She was perfectly happy just getting these sexy little messages everyday without comment, which I actually think is more sexy then talking about it. Kinda ruins the mystique, which I will remember in the future wehn I think of new ideas.

-Zergplex

 

[CelticFrog]

I like the idea of a little mystery surrounding the whole thing. For some reason, it makes it feel as though the approach itself to the whole thing is easier. Does that make sense?

We've always had a bit of a barrier to just plain talking about sex. I'm not quite sure what it is. Neither is he (that I know of). So good ways to 'beat around the bush', as it were, can be helpful - as long as they don't end up being too covert. Like he said before, sometimes he has to be hit on the head with a hammer to know there IS one.

Ang

 

[Mr.G]

Just a quick observation...

...ain't we weird.

After I lost Sue I asked several friends about this technique and I got a lot of blank looks.

I posted my TRY THIS thread. I got a lot of great responses but only after much disbelief and a lot of really insulting PM's. I told many of my friends about this technique and even printed it out for some of them. I also knew some of them were having problems with their marriage. I told them to try it. I told them it would change their love/sex lives. I waited a few weeks and asked ...you know...without divulging prvate stuff ...DID IT WORK? HUH? WHAT WAS HER REACTION?? HUH? HUH? TELL ME!! TELL ME!!

Every ONE of the guys I asked told me that although it sounded "ineteresting" they had been with their wives for years and years and said if they tried to do this new thang with their SO she would be suspicious, would want to know HOW THEY LEARNED THIS NEW thing and would ...well what it came down to was that NONE of them thought it would be worth the 3rd degree and the hassle!!

Does that throw some light on our inability to communicate, our trust in our mates and the general paranoia that couples have when it comes to screwing around on each other and our willingness to try or even bring up or ask to try new stuff?

Sad. What a waste.

 

[JRaven]

Wild Sexy Dares

Wild Sexy Dares is a game that I had just mentioned in another thread (Mission Impossible...) and realized it might actually apply here. It helped Jim and I try a few things.

In the game, you and your SO are each given your own deck of cards. Each card dares YOU to do something for your SO. The dares go from lame (I sent him flowers at his work) to erotic (I flashed him and the waiter at a restaurant).

Each card gives you one to three points. The first one to 100 points wins.

I lost and had to clean house nude / be sex slave for a day. When Jack came over, Jim told me to get dressed. But, I told him a deal was a deal. Then I got Jack a beer. That's a completely different story, though.

Jenny

 

[sheath]

Re: Wild Sexy Dares

Wild Sexy Dares is a game that I had just mentioned in another thread (Mission Impossible...) and realized it might actually apply here. It helped Jim and I try a few things.

In the game, you and your SO are each given your own deck of cards. Each card dares YOU to do something for your SO. The dares go from lame (I sent him flowers at his work) to erotic (I flashed him and the waiter at a restaurant).

Each card gives you one to three points. The first one to 100 points wins.

I lost and had to clean house nude / be sex slave for a day. When Jack came over, Jim told me to get dressed. But, I told him a deal was a deal. Then I got Jack a beer. That's a completely different story, though.

Jenny

Okay...I LOVE THIS IDEA!

S.

 

[BlueSugar]

If I'm really unsure how to bring something up I say that "last night, I had this dream and in it we...." conversation starts ...pros cons, reasons it could be taboo or not, and then usually experimentation. And this way rejection is minimized... and if I really want to try it the dream will reoccur and I'll admit I woke up a little wet, see what happens, and if not...then, well, can't win them all right?

But usually the "dream..." "...oooh I heard about this somewhere..." aren't neccessiary, usually I just come out with it because I usually date open minded/like minded people

but when we first started, we both were experimental... do everything once was the mentality, can't knock it till we've tried it...

Getting him to talk? usually we'll be getting into the moment or I'd sit on his lap and kiss him sweetly and ask him (if it didn't already come up in the "dream...ect" situations)

I guess I'm really foward, or at least open minded... heh, well whatdoyaknow

 

[herecomestherain]

Hit the nail on the head...

Blue Sugar, you got it in one! A girl's got to be forward...even unladylike in necessary!

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Hit the nail on the head...

Blue Sugar, you got it in one! A girl's got to be forward...even unladylike in necessary!

If you've been with this person for some time, then what is the fuss? They know how you like your steak, they know you like ______ the worst move in the world, they know your neroticness about parking spots... they've seen you naked, they've had sex with you ... why are we being modest all of a sudden? You've seen them hairy legged, and with a condom on a deflating member ... why the shyness?

::shrug::

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Blue Sugar, you got it in one! A girl's got to be forward...even unladylike in necessary!

Well what should be considered 'ladylike'. Honestly I like a women who will tell me what is on her mind, weither she thinks I'll like it or not. Honesty like that seems to be severly lacking nowadays.... then again I'm alot more open then most guys. I just think communication is the key to any relationship, weither talking about sexual things or not. Always keep the lines of communication open, if you feel like you can't talk to your lover about something then there is something wrong.

Note that doesn't nessicarily mean that talking about things such as this is easy, it's actually one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. That just makes it that much more crucial and important to do.

Just my to cents.

-Zergplex

 

[BlueSugar]

the unlady like comment reminds me of some bad joke about a guy never getting a 69 and not knowing what they were, and then his friend got him a hooker, the hooker had bad gas... passed gas like 6 times and then the guy was like "lady... if this is a 69 I don't think I can take another 63 of these..."
::laughs to self::

uuuuuh ::refers to previous posts:: ok right right, um... what is "unlady like" in these days?

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: Re: Hit the nail on the head...

If you've been with this person for some time, then what is the fuss? They know how you like your steak, they know you like ______ the worst move in the world, they know your neroticness about parking spots... they've seen you naked, they've had sex with you ... why are we being modest all of a sudden? You've seen them hairy legged, and with a condom on a deflating member ... why the shyness?

::shrug::

Okay, I realize I probably sound totally stupid by now...

but we just don't have openness like this. Yes, we've seen each other naked. We've had sex. Lots of it. BUT... this isn't all of a sudden, this is we've never been able to talk about sex in general (that's getting better almost unbearably slowly) much less the more... 'kinky' things that we're not sure about. Vanilla sex is so much easier to talk about (and in our life, even that is difficult) than rocky road. Hence the thread. If it was easy, I wouldn't be asking for help.

Ang

 

[Limbhugger]

In the general sense, basic communication. Wife hasn't always been comfortable with even her own sexual thoughts so it has been a journey of subtleties and introductions that has led us to where we are and more importantly where we are going.

More specifically...

One time, for no reason (holiday, etc.) I took to letting my deviant mind work. I ran to the store and bought a couple tablets of old fashioned construction paper and three bundles of yarn (white, pink, red).

I used the white, pink, and red contruction paper to cut out hearts of various shapes and sizes. Then I hung them from the ceiling with the yarn until the entire living room was like a curtain of hearts. But on certain hearts were writings.

"Hello my love, I missed you."

"Go to the refridgerator and get an ice cold beer."

And when she went to the fridge, she found a folded heart taped to the beer. When opened it revealed another "instruction." I used the heart messages to lead her all about the house without ever seeing me. Into the spare rooms and such.

And in each room was a sort of questionarre. A small tablet and pen with a question written at the top. Things like, "If you could make any one fantasy come true without care of me or society, those fantasies that lay deep...What would it be?" "What would you want to do to me and want me to do to you that you have never told me?" And son. The idea being to pull from them secret desires and open up the door of communication a little more.

Worked wonders around our place!

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Re: Re: Hit the nail on the head...

Okay, I realize I probably sound totally stupid by now...

but we just don't have openness like this. Yes, we've seen each other naked. We've had sex. Lots of it. BUT... this isn't all of a sudden, this is we've never been able to talk about sex in general (that's getting better almost unbearably slowly) much less the more... 'kinky' things that we're not sure about. Vanilla sex is so much easier to talk about (and in our life, even that is difficult) than rocky road. Hence the thread. If it was easy, I wouldn't be asking for help.

Ang

ooh, I didn't mean it directly to you at all, you don't sound stupid at all!! It was the perverbial "we've" I was using.

Sometime bluntless works really well. Just roll over onto him a little, lay your head on his shoulder run your finger over his chest and say "hey honey, know what I thought would feel really awesome?" and spill, let it go off your chest... what is the worst that could happen? He say that he doens't agree or asks you where you got the idea from = conversation

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Hit the nail on the head...

what is the worst that could happen? He say that he doens't agree or asks you where you got the idea from = conversation

I can think of a lot worse.
"Ewwww, are you SERIOUS?"
"Okay, THAT is totally fucked up"
vehement shaking of the head accompanied by grunting 'nunh-unh' noises
THE look that says 'that was the grossest/stupidest/most unappealing thing I've ever heard'
just rolling over and ignoring me
the rolling of the eyes


Flat out, I am terrified of the man I love doing any of these things (or worse ones I haven't even thought of yet) regarding anything I open up about sexually.

herecomestherain -- at the risk of sounding defensive and rude, FUCK forwardness if I can not get up the nerve. It's not that easy.

JRaven -- is this a board game? One that can be concocted with two decks of playing cards? I'm mildly confused but intrigued.

I will be blunt -- I'm a little irritable tonight. But at the same time, I really don't think it's as easy for me (and feasibly many others) as it is for so many people here. I can hide behind my computer screen here on lit. I don't have to worry about someone laughing in my face. Just in my monitor. And that's different.

I guess I'm still a sucker for acceptance, and if something I did or said endangered that acceptance in a relationship I hold as dear as my marriage, I would be crushed.

Ang

 

[BlueSugar]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hit the nail on the head...

I can think of a lot worse.
"Ewwww, are you SERIOUS?"
"Okay, THAT is totally fucked up"
vehement shaking of the head accompanied by grunting 'nunh-unh' noises
THE look that says 'that was the grossest/stupidest/most unappealing thing I've ever heard'
just rolling over and ignoring me
the rolling of the eyes


Flat out, I am terrified of the man I love doing any of these things (or worse ones I haven't even thought of yet) regarding anything I open up about sexually.

....

I guess I'm still a sucker for acceptance, and if something I did or said endangered that acceptance in a relationship I hold as dear as my marriage, I would be crushed.

Ang

It is a difficult step to take. And all those things are always nasty and unappealing out comes... maybe urge him on a little and see if he comes anywhere near to what you may have in mind.
Or, take it out of the bedroom... do something that you both haven't done at all that doesn't even involve sex. Take a couple's dance lesson, be spontanious, look up a different restaurant and order something you wouldn't usually order, ski, wall climb in a gym type deal...

 

[herecomestherain]

I wrote,

Blue Sugar, you got it in one! A girl's got to be forward...even unladylike in necessary!

Celtic Frog wrote,

herecomestherain -- at the risk of sounding defensive and rude, FUCK forwardness if I can not get up the nerve. It's not that easy.

I stand by my comment but also would like folks to know that it's made somewhat tongue in cheek. I now realise CelticFrog that if you are feeling vulnerable about the issue at hand, tongue in cheek may not be what you want to hear, I am sorry if you thought I was being flippant, I'm not.

I'm not saying it's easy. Far from it. Introducing some cute new idea in the bedroom is one thing, acknowledging and exploring some deeply held hidden desire is another altogether. If that desire is in any way shape or form labelled kinky in your mind, it's even harder still. I'm with you on all of this. To some degree this is me too.

All I can say is that if expression of that desire is something that is very important to me, eventually I will find a way of bringing it to light.Even if takes a long time. If I feel that I absolutely can't take the risk, then I won't. It might have to stay in the realm of fantasy for me. The environment has to feel safe. It doesn't sound like you feel safe?

This is again going to sound like I'm simplifying, but two things have turned our lives around recently. I've taken the running on being the sexual adventurer,gone out bought books, got DVDS etc etc, openly out there in a very sex positive way, I've made sex a hobby. This has kind of liberated my man to also indulge/reveal desires that haven't seen the light of day around here before. Some of those desires are just acted on in a gentle way not necessarily talked about before hand. It makes for an exciting time and has worked for us.

The second thing is in watching adult films (a select choice is vital) we've been able to communicate about hidden desires more easily. That communication has been part talking part showing.In tiny, weeny baby steps I might add. The beauty of tiny, weeny baby steps is that although they move you slowly, they at least move you forward. What was dark and hidden is revealed and explored by degrees not all in one rush. Makes it less risky.

I'm going to shut up now, my parting homily: know yourself, know and except your desires, decide if fulfilling them is worth the risk, act as best you know how. Amen. (the Amen is tongue in cheek)