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[SassyButShy]

My husband --- who I love dearly, and I know loves me -- is impotent. Or as he puts it: it isn't working down there. The first couple years, I thought it was me. He just didn't respond to overtures and didn't initiate any of his own. I waited patiently. I knew he wasn't cheating. He simply isn't that motivated and everything else btw us is fine and good. He had returned from Iraq, so I thought it was because of that. Then as time went on, I started thinking "are we ever getting back to the wai it was?" (Which was great btw). After the first few years and quite a bit of prodding from me, he admitted the equipment isn't working. He's 51. By then, I'd lost all confidence in me. It never occurred to him "I would take it personally" ... Seriously, MEN!!! He won't see a doctor or discuss alternative means of intimacy. All in all, I haven't been touched in 8 years. Lately, I've been considering asking him to discuss letting me take on a lover to meet the physical needs. I don't want to be a cheater. I m in this marriage to stand by him in sickness and in health. But I am not ready to slam the door on my sexual needs. I don't want an affair .. I don't want cheap, one night stands ... I want a rich sexual life that will respect my marriage. Am I unrealistic to think this possible? And if this could happen, how do I ask him without hurting him?

 

[Bramblethorn]

My husband --- who I love dearly, and I know loves me -- is impotent. Or as he puts it: it isn't working down there. The first couple years, I thought it was me. He just didn't respond to overtures and didn't initiate any of his own. I waited patiently. I knew he wasn't cheating. He simply isn't that motivated and everything else btw us is fine and good. He had returned from Iraq, so I thought it was because of that. Then as time went on, I started thinking "are we ever getting back to the wai it was?" (Which was great btw). After the first few years and quite a bit of prodding from me, he admitted the equipment isn't working. He's 51. By then, I'd lost all confidence in me. It never occurred to him "I would take it personally" ... Seriously, MEN!!! He won't see a doctor or discuss alternative means of intimacy. All in all, I haven't been touched in 8 years. Lately, I've been considering asking him to discuss letting me take on a lover to meet the physical needs. I don't want to be a cheater. I m in this marriage to stand by him in sickness and in health. But I am not ready to slam the door on my sexual needs. I don't want an affair .. I don't want cheap, one night stands ... I want a rich sexual life that will respect my marriage. Am I unrealistic to think this possible? And if this could happen, how do I ask him without hurting him?

Erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of serious illness so even if your sex life wasn't an issue here, this is something he should get checked out.

If he refuses to go, or if it turns out it's not a medical problem and he just doesn't want sex (it happens!) I'd be inclined to put the ball in his court: remind him that you have physical needs that can't be met solo, and ask him what he suggests you do about that.

It may still hurt his feelings, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to ask.

 

[Conager]

If the poster were a man, he wouldn't ask the question. He would cheat or not.

 

[SassyButShy]

Thank you, Bramble, I'll talk to my own doctor this week about other causes of erectile dysfunction and seek assistance. For our anniversary, I asked him to at least get the free blood checks his company does, so I know he doesn't have diabetes, cholesterol issues. I'll ask about others. I've been concerned about protate cancer but that check up has been a hard one to get him to take. Sorry for bad pun.

He's ex-army. I think that has something to do with his 'I don't need a doctor" attitude.

Mr. Johnson? Your posting hurt. You're entitled to your opinions however. You're wrong on both counts. No one wanting to sample my wares. And asking for input on how to handle this situation is not asking for a guilt free fuck. If I wanted that, I'd have gone down that road years ago. And keeping "daddy around until I'm sure"? Seriously? I make good money on my own and don't need a "daddy." Sorry you didn't understand my post.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Your husband could have PTSD, which can manifest itself in any number of ways. Of course, at 51, it's possible that his willy just doesn't want to stand up on it's own anymore. Only a doctor can offer solutions, whether it be mentally or physically based.

It is also a certainty that your "He man" husband is morbidly embarrassed by his E.D. While he needs to get over it and move on, do try to move forward with compassion.

Mr. Johnson? Your posting hurt.

Johnson is the resident troll, just put him on Iggy like everyone else does and don't ever give him another thought. He's a misogynist pig that gets off on being a troll.

 

[coati]

I agree, Mr. Johnson's comments are just shooting from the hip and not really helpful to your situation. A lot of guys are so embarrassed about impotence that they just shut down that part of their life, even if it causes harm to their partner. I became impotent in one day, after prostate cancer surgery. I was eventually able to figure out how to get a very good erection, and how to still be a sexually active man. Your husband can probably do the same, if he is willing to be receptive to the help of others. If he is not willing, then you have the right to explain how his unwillingness to seek help is affecting you.

 

[pplwatching]

I think that you have two separate issues here. The first issue is that his unwillingness to at least address the problem is putting your marriage at risk. I can only speak for myself, but going without sex for a long time took an emotional toll on me as well as Jonesing for sex. When my wife and I were able to get back to steady and regular physical intimacy, our emotional intimacy improved greatly. The first step was admitting that the problem was not "just sex".

Which leads to the second problem. During that crisis my wife told me to take a lover, "as long as she didn't find out about it." Again speaking only for myself, if I had taken a lover during that time in our marriage then there's a good chance that we would not be married today. If I had allowed another lover to meet my physical needs at that time, then it's almost a given that I would have become emotionally attached. Sex for me is intimate and emotional. It makes me feel desired. It makes me feel good. From there it seems like it would have been a pretty slippery slope to let that person meet all of my needs, at which point I wouldn't have needed my wife for anything at all (except to raise our kids). At that point we'd have been married in name only.

I didn't take a lover, but thankfully we both realized that our commitment to each other was not enough. We had to both face the problem head on and work through it. I didn't take a lover and we restored our marriage. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary.

My experience may or may not have anything to do with yours. You might have some intuition about whether or not you can have sex without becoming emotionally attached. You may or may not know if you'll start letting a lover meet your other needs. In my experience sexual problems in a marriage either cause or are a symptom of other problems outside of the bedroom. Taking a lover won't fix those problems and may make them worse.

I would suggest that prior to going down that road that you approach your husband directly and honestly. Tell him that your marriage is at risk, because it is at risk no matter how good of a man he is, how good of a woman you are, or how much you love each other. If he refuses to work on your marriage with you, and make an effort to meet your needs, then you will at least have your eyes opened.

Best to you

 

[SassyButShy]

Thank you ppl watching. Your second paragraph describes me. I don't think I could avoid becoming emotionally involved as much as I intellectualize it. They call it intimacy for a reason and that's what I want and miss with my husband. Right now I can't get him to talk about it. He only recently came to realize the damage his silence did to my self esteem as I blamed myself.

It's going to take a lot of patience ...

 

[Aphro]

Even if the dick doesn't work, why does that mean he can't be sexual with you for your own pleasure? I mean, he's got a tongue, fingers...what's wrong with substituting those for cock? Even if you aren't having PIV fucking, it doesn't mean you can't have satisfying intimacy, and he can give you as many orgasms as you could want. However, he has to want to do that for you. If it's a choice between keeping you happy in the marital bed, vs. going out looking for some strange cock, I'm guessing he'll put a little effort into making things better.

Of course, seeing a doctor would probably not hurt, either.

 

[lovecraft68]

If the poster were a man, he wouldn't ask the question. He would cheat or not.

And if he did pose the question...he would not only be cheered on as a stud, but people would tell him he should make the wife watch.

The woman? The JBJ's of lit(and they are innumerable) she is a slut

Why? Because lit is driven by knuckle dragging idiots.

Reality is hubby is....I'll be nice and say inconsiderate, selfish and uncaring. Its an issue he doesn't want to address it.

Of course he can't help having a physical issue, but he can get help for the issue, he chooses not to because he doesn't care...about the issue or....you.

I would never condone cheating.

I would cheer a divorce in your situation.

People deserve to be happy and not settle. You've settled for years, go be happy.

 

[SassyButShy]

Yes, Aphrodite, I have pointed out to him the other tools if his trade. He changed the subject. Not meanly. Just in that passive aggressive "if I don't deal with it, it will miraculously disappear." The other night I texted him a saucy pic from the bedroom and said I was playing with myself and did he want to watch? His response: remember to put milk on the list. That really embarrassed me and hurt my ego. I let him know later in a lite, joking fashion. I know he felt bad. He just didn't want to be confronted with an u satisfying situation.

I can't imagine divorcing him. That's abandonment. I need to stick by him. No matter the cost.

 

[simplegirl]

you say he refuses all types of intimacy. Can the two of you at least cuddle? kiss, hold each other? (what I call touching each other "on purpose") give gentle massages? could he hold you and kiss you while you masturbate? I would let him know it's vitally important to you to get this from him and your relationship. I agree that his refusal could simply be a symptom and not the real issue. Could he be suffering from depression? is he on any new medication that could be affecting his libido?

It's a tricky situation because even proposing to get your physical needs met elsewhere may cause him to shut down even further and a total breakdown of trust.

 

[silverwhisper]

sassy, you've already gotten some good advice from the others here.

a lot of men--and perhaps particularly veterans/active duty servicemen--see counseling or therapy as an admission of weakness.

he needs to deal with the reality though that he is neglecting your needs, irrespective of whatever priority he puts on his own, and that physical intimacy whether sexual or otherwise is an important part of a healthy relationship. since he's being obstinate about it, i don't really know that there's a pain-free way to broach the subject--but i also don't know that pain-free is intrinsically a good way to go.

something has to give. hopefully it's his pig-headedness.

ed

 

[simplegirl]

The other night I texted him a saucy pic from the bedroom and said I was playing with myself and did he want to watch? His response: remember to put milk on the list.

Now THAT is a whole other ballgame. That was purposely hurtful, I don't care what anyone says. I would not have been joking when I told so and I would let him know that in no uncertain terms. It was an asshole thing to do. Period.

Him hurting because of his experiences is one thing. Being patient and helping him sort himself out is another. But in NO WAY does he have the right to belittle or humiliate you. That line alone certainly makes me agree with Lovecraft. It's very selfish and uncaring of him.

 

[SassyButShy]

I said something along the lines of way to hurt a girl's ego and he didn't respond. He was watching TV in the other room. The next day, I told him I was serious about that and he did the "oops, sorry" funny body language guys do when they are making light of something.

 

[helplessharold]

Coming from a guy who ignored the sexual aspect of marriage for years there's a point where the guy has to change and you've passed that stage a hundred times over.

My marriage was dying because of my own absence of arousal, we talked maybe once or twice a day, and insisted spending our time in separate rooms. This was coming from my wife who knew what she was getting into with me, your situation is worse. Your marriage is dying, take it from a guy who just resurrected his own over the past year. If he can't take the steps to meet you even a little bit it's time to cut him loose and look for a new one.

I know that's not what you want to hear so if that's really not an option here is your next option. Talk. Not joke. No it cant be while he's near a tv, a phone, or a computer. Face to face. Tell him you need a good fuck and with him at half mast not wanting to get help he's going to have to be okay with using other means to pleasure you or he's going to have to get used to you having someone on the side. Your marriage is almost dead, if you don't take the bull by the horns and get him to commit to you then maybe option one is really the way to go.

last thing though, have you considered he may be cheating on you and his reduced libido is because you were replaced? I know that's very unpleasant but think it over.

 

[SassyButShy]

He's not cheating. He's simply not that motivated. It used to bother his exes because he was so passive. People who've known him all his life frequently comment how far he has come to life since we got together 11 years ago. He's had a very hard life and he found his resilience to endure it all by just not engaging. He's not a bad person. Very kind, a hard worker, we've got each other's back when it comes to the care taking needs of our aging family members, we laugh and play a lot. It's just that part is gone. But no, I'm not in denial. He's not cheating. Loyalty is important to him.

I don't want my marriage to die. I can't abandon him for this. Impotence is an illness and our vow is "in sickness and in health." Maybe I'm the one being selfish here. When we had that physical intimacy, it was so wonderful. I felt beautiful and loved. I miss that.

 

[simplegirl]

Impotence is one thing, saying and doing hurtful things are another. Unless you state firmly just how painful it is, he won't see a reason to change. This can seriously become a cancer in your marriage.

 

[SassyButShy]

I know. I know. We have to talk.

The last time we talked, he explained it was him and not me. That was a couple years ago. We were sitting in a restaurant late at night after handling yet another extended family crisis together. He was telling me he didn't know how'd he would've faced these things if I hadn't been with him. And somehow the convo segued to ... Why haven't we been there for each other in the bedroom.

It doesn't work down there, he says.
Why didn't you tell me that? All these years I thought you didn't want me?
I thought you knew?
I read lips, not minds! (I'm deaf)

I told him how much damage it did to my esteem and he was genuinely sorry. But when the subject changed to how can we fix it, he said there is no fix. He thinks this is just what happens as we age. And obviously it wasn't good enough for him to miss it. I wasn't.

There's still affection. Kisses goodbye in the mornings, a head sleeping on my shoulder at night. Am I being unreasonable?

 

[helplessharold]

I would suggest a divorce still.

Either that or just find a way to endure a sexless marriage. If he's so nice banging on the side would only hurt him unless he was super 100000% on board and he's too stubborn to work on his sexual issues I doubt he'd be okay with that. If he wont seek help because of big macho ego and you don't want to hurt him, time to go bury your libido in the back yard because if your marriage means that much then it's time to fully embrace celibacy. That is until you get him to deal with the problem.

It's simply impossible to have everything you want when the other party is a brick wall to all things bedroom related. Sorry to be a downer, I only know it from the side of someone not sexual so I hope everyone else gives more info.

 

[silverwhisper]

sassy quoth:
when we had that physical intimacy, it was so wonderful. i felt beautiful and loved. i miss that.

i think you need to tell him this. it isn't clear to me that this was actually said to him.

ed

 

[helplessharold]

i think you need to tell him this. it isn't clear to me that this was actually said to him.

ed

Valid point.

maybe make a list and really think it through for a few days before you talk to him too. Gather your thoughts as to what you miss and why you miss it (besides the obvious).

 

[SassyButShy]

Can someone please tell me how to put an ignore on someone?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Can someone please tell me how to put an ignore on someone?

Click on their username in the forum, "Add ... to your Ignore list", then "Save List".

 

[ethana59]

So Sorry...

First, ignore the trolls... they are only there to rile you up, because for some reason it makes them feel good about themselves.

Second, I just want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through... I can't imagine what that lack of intimacy must be like. It is a very important part of a realtionship, and with that lacking, it is no wonder you aren't happy.

I think some of the other writers have stated it as well, but you need to talk to him. I myself am a veteran of Iraq, and my marriage went through hell when I came back. I'm divorced now, some her fault, some mine, but I changed when I came back, and we stopped communicating. I refused to seek help for my issues... it led to the end of the marriage. I can't diagnose what is wrong with him, whether it is a PTSD issue, or something like that, but I do know the hardest thing to do is ask for help. It is even harder for a soldier to do. You're supposed to be strong, people count on you, and you don't want to let them down. I would suggest talking to him. If he isn't willing to seek help for it, then you need to talk about options. You shouldn't have to sacrifice everything, but I know its more than just the intimacy, which is why a divorce does not seem like teh best thing. You still love him, its hard to just leave that. But I would say talk to him, about possible choices, whether its adding someone to the relationship for that purpose... But it has to be between you two...

Just my two cents... i hope it helps. If you need anything, just want to talk or vent, pm me... I'll help any way I can