Quiet_Cool
Learning to Fly
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2001
- Posts
- 5,897
This is a transcript of the last minute debate between the candidates for President that the media doesn't want you to see. Take what you read to heart. not for people sensitive to the issues...
Wendy: In the wake of the upcoming election, we’ve decided to take a closer look at each candidate. In an effort to boost their ratings in a tight race, all three candidates agreed to a last minute debate.
Chef: I can’t wait, Wendy. These candidates have been going at one another like lesbians puttin’ on a floor show at an Ellen Degeneres private party. We hardly have time to take in one’s comment before the rebuttals come flying at you from all sides. People are really gettin’ excited!
Photo op: excited voters outside South Park Elementary Auditorium
Wendy: Truly amazing, isn’t it Chef? These candidates are in a dead heat coming into today’s election. It’s impossible to predict what could happen in the hours to come. Personally, I hope Cartman loses, cuz he’s a big fatass.
Chef: I don’t know Wendy, Cartman has quite a following. And remember: it isn’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.
Wendy: Yeah, whatever (*snicker*) anyway, the debate is about to begin, waiting is our debate host, Mr. Garrison, along with Mr. Hat.
Cut to: Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Mr. Garrison: Thanx, Wendy. Well, no one really gives a rat’s ass who the President is anyway, so let’s get this show on the road.
(Garrison turns to the candidates.)
Garrison: We’ll start with the incumbent. Um.. Cartman, where’s your vice-president?
Photo op: President Cartman
Cartman: I regret to announce that vice-president Kenny is home with a case of Explosive Diarrhea. Our prayers go out to him.
Garrison: Oh, well, whatever. Cartman, you promised to do a lot of things coming into your first term, and you didn’t do squat. What dumbass reason do you have for the people to vote for you this time?
Cartman: I’m glad you asked, Mr. Garrison. In this term, I intend to ensure that all the people of the United States get their own free copy of my new music single, “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch.” The video will be included, as will naked pictures of Brittney Spears…
(applause from crowd)
Kyle: Cartman, you can’t give people naked pictures of Brittney Spears to get them to vote for you.
Photo op: Green hat party candidate
Cartman: Can too.
Kyle: Can not.
Cartman: Can too.
Garrison: Yes, Kyle, he can. How do you think Clinton got into office?
Kyle: What?
Garrison: Afraid so, but it was Cindy Crawford, for Clinton. Didn’t get my vote, that’s for sure.
Cartman: Heh. I would also like to add that Kyle is an ass munch.
Garrison: Okay, Kyle, you and Stanley get the next question: If you were voted President, how would you deal with the War in Iraq? You have three seconds to reply.
Kyle: What? Only three—
Garrison: Time’s up, Kyle.
Kyle: You can’t do that.
Garrison: Afraid it’s in the rules, Kyle.
Kyle: I request more time.
Garrison: Ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: I don’t wanna ask Mr. Hat.
Garrison: Kyle, ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Fine… Mr. Hat, I request more time to answer.
Mr. Hat: No!!! Absolutely not! You go to Hell!!! You go to Hell and you die!!!
Garrison: Sorry, Kyle.
Kyle: Dammit! (mumbles) Stupid Mr. Hat.
Garrison: What was that Kyle?
Kyle: I said, “I wish I had a cat.”
Garrison: Oh, well. Yes, animals make nice friends. Cartman, do you have a rebuttal?
Cartman: Yes, Mr. Garrison. Ahem. You should vote for me, because Kyle… is a stupid Jew.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman!
Cartman: It’s true, Kyle is jewish, and a stupid Jew cannot lead America after all their vicious attacks on Saudi Arabia.
Kyle: Cartman, Jews never attacked Saudi Arabia!
Cartman: Yes, huh. Right after they attacked Germany in WWII.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, Cartman just made that up.
Garrison: Kyle. Um, what’s wrong with Stanley?
Kyle: He’s nervous I front of crowds.
Photo op: Stan
Garrison: Oh, well, buck it up you little retards… Oh, sorry if I offended our representatives from the Independent Party.
Photo Op: Independent party candidates
Garrison: Speaking of which, let’s ask them a question, since you two have nothing interesting to say. Okay. If you two are elected into office, what will you do to stave off the threats of terror brought on by enemies abroad?
Timmy: hmmm…. Timmy, timmay timmy timmy timmy…. Timmay, Timmay…timmy timmy-timmy-tim-tim-timmmay…. Hmm.. Timmy, timmy timmy timmy, Jimmy. Timmy timmy… Timmay!
Jimmy: W-w-w- well, s-s-said.
Cartman: (humbly) So true….
Kyle: Cartman, you don’t even know what he said!
Cartman: Yes I do, Kyle! He pointed out that the Constitution says that Jews can’t be President!
Kyle: Na-uh!
Stan: Dude, I think it does!
(Kyle looks flabbergasted)
Garrison: Yep, I’m pretty sure, Kyle.
Kyle: Dammit! Well, we should change it, because we can’t let Cartman run the country for four more years.
Garrison: Change the Constitution? Yeah, right, you can sign it yourself at my wedding. Mr. Slave’ll think that’s cute…
Cartman: Yes, well, if no one has any further questions, everyone get to the polls and vote for me, already…
(Garrison mumbles quietly to offstage personel)
Garrison: I’m afraid we have some bad news. It seems there’s been a freak toilet paper incident. Cartman’s running mate and the current vice-president has died. I repeat: Kenny has died.
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Garrison: Well, Mr. President? Who will be your running mate now?
Cartman: Um… Well…
(The crowd stares)
Cartman: Hold on…
(Cartman exits stage, a few seconds alter, he returns with a new running mate)
Photo op: Vice-President
Cartman: People of America, I give you: Butters!
(applause)
Butters: Ah, golly-gee. That was nice of you all. I don’t really have much to say right now, but…
Cartman: Shut up Butters…
Butters: Oh, okay.
Kyle: Wait, I have something else to say!
Garrison: Who cares Kyle. You can’t compete with naked pictures of Brittney Spears anyway.
Kyle: But I thought this was a democracy!
Cartman: (dances while singing) I’m gonna be the President, I’m gonna be the President…
Kyle: Knock it off you big fatass!
Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!
Kyle: You’re such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, fat people look at you and go, god-damnit, that’s a big fat ass!!!
Cartman: Hey! I’ll kick you in the nuts!!!!
Stan: Wait a minute.
Garrison: What now, Stanley?
Stan: (steps forward to address the crowd) I’ve learned something today. When we first came here, I thought the world was an unfair place, where terrorists could live free and do whatever they wanted, and there was nothing we can do to stop it. But now, I’ve learned that as Americans, we have to stick up for ourselves. Otherwise, the world will just walk all over us and leave us for dead. So, if you vote for us for office, we’ll make sure that people everywhere are safe from terrorists and that the children of the world, Jews and everyone, can live together peacefully as one large community. Thank you.
(Silence)
Cartman: naked pictures of Brittney Spears!
(The crowd applauds)
Garrison: We’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, at least all this shit’s over with. Back to you, Wendy.
Cut to: Wendy and Chef
Wendy: Well, this has certainly been exciting.
Chef: That’s right, Wendy. A new vice-president, right here before our very eyes.
Wendy: And Butters is no surprise. We saw a photo earlier in the election of President Cartman explaining to a nervous Butters that there was no danger to the rumors that poisonous gas had been released by terrorists in the U.S. Capital.
Photo op: Friends for life
Chef: This is a treat. We have managed to get a response to the debate from one of our nations great religious leaders.
Photo op:
savior
Jesus: oh, my… Well, um… damn. Our country’s F@#%*d!
Wendy: In the wake of the upcoming election, we’ve decided to take a closer look at each candidate. In an effort to boost their ratings in a tight race, all three candidates agreed to a last minute debate.
Chef: I can’t wait, Wendy. These candidates have been going at one another like lesbians puttin’ on a floor show at an Ellen Degeneres private party. We hardly have time to take in one’s comment before the rebuttals come flying at you from all sides. People are really gettin’ excited!
Photo op: excited voters outside South Park Elementary Auditorium
Wendy: Truly amazing, isn’t it Chef? These candidates are in a dead heat coming into today’s election. It’s impossible to predict what could happen in the hours to come. Personally, I hope Cartman loses, cuz he’s a big fatass.
Chef: I don’t know Wendy, Cartman has quite a following. And remember: it isn’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.
Wendy: Yeah, whatever (*snicker*) anyway, the debate is about to begin, waiting is our debate host, Mr. Garrison, along with Mr. Hat.
Cut to: Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Mr. Garrison: Thanx, Wendy. Well, no one really gives a rat’s ass who the President is anyway, so let’s get this show on the road.
(Garrison turns to the candidates.)
Garrison: We’ll start with the incumbent. Um.. Cartman, where’s your vice-president?
Photo op: President Cartman
Cartman: I regret to announce that vice-president Kenny is home with a case of Explosive Diarrhea. Our prayers go out to him.
Garrison: Oh, well, whatever. Cartman, you promised to do a lot of things coming into your first term, and you didn’t do squat. What dumbass reason do you have for the people to vote for you this time?
Cartman: I’m glad you asked, Mr. Garrison. In this term, I intend to ensure that all the people of the United States get their own free copy of my new music single, “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch.” The video will be included, as will naked pictures of Brittney Spears…
(applause from crowd)
Kyle: Cartman, you can’t give people naked pictures of Brittney Spears to get them to vote for you.
Photo op: Green hat party candidate
Cartman: Can too.
Kyle: Can not.
Cartman: Can too.
Garrison: Yes, Kyle, he can. How do you think Clinton got into office?
Kyle: What?
Garrison: Afraid so, but it was Cindy Crawford, for Clinton. Didn’t get my vote, that’s for sure.
Cartman: Heh. I would also like to add that Kyle is an ass munch.
Garrison: Okay, Kyle, you and Stanley get the next question: If you were voted President, how would you deal with the War in Iraq? You have three seconds to reply.
Kyle: What? Only three—
Garrison: Time’s up, Kyle.
Kyle: You can’t do that.
Garrison: Afraid it’s in the rules, Kyle.
Kyle: I request more time.
Garrison: Ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: I don’t wanna ask Mr. Hat.
Garrison: Kyle, ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Fine… Mr. Hat, I request more time to answer.
Mr. Hat: No!!! Absolutely not! You go to Hell!!! You go to Hell and you die!!!
Garrison: Sorry, Kyle.
Kyle: Dammit! (mumbles) Stupid Mr. Hat.
Garrison: What was that Kyle?
Kyle: I said, “I wish I had a cat.”
Garrison: Oh, well. Yes, animals make nice friends. Cartman, do you have a rebuttal?
Cartman: Yes, Mr. Garrison. Ahem. You should vote for me, because Kyle… is a stupid Jew.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman!
Cartman: It’s true, Kyle is jewish, and a stupid Jew cannot lead America after all their vicious attacks on Saudi Arabia.
Kyle: Cartman, Jews never attacked Saudi Arabia!
Cartman: Yes, huh. Right after they attacked Germany in WWII.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, Cartman just made that up.
Garrison: Kyle. Um, what’s wrong with Stanley?
Kyle: He’s nervous I front of crowds.
Photo op: Stan
Garrison: Oh, well, buck it up you little retards… Oh, sorry if I offended our representatives from the Independent Party.
Photo Op: Independent party candidates
Garrison: Speaking of which, let’s ask them a question, since you two have nothing interesting to say. Okay. If you two are elected into office, what will you do to stave off the threats of terror brought on by enemies abroad?
Timmy: hmmm…. Timmy, timmay timmy timmy timmy…. Timmay, Timmay…timmy timmy-timmy-tim-tim-timmmay…. Hmm.. Timmy, timmy timmy timmy, Jimmy. Timmy timmy… Timmay!
Jimmy: W-w-w- well, s-s-said.
Cartman: (humbly) So true….
Kyle: Cartman, you don’t even know what he said!
Cartman: Yes I do, Kyle! He pointed out that the Constitution says that Jews can’t be President!
Kyle: Na-uh!
Stan: Dude, I think it does!
(Kyle looks flabbergasted)
Garrison: Yep, I’m pretty sure, Kyle.
Kyle: Dammit! Well, we should change it, because we can’t let Cartman run the country for four more years.
Garrison: Change the Constitution? Yeah, right, you can sign it yourself at my wedding. Mr. Slave’ll think that’s cute…
Cartman: Yes, well, if no one has any further questions, everyone get to the polls and vote for me, already…
(Garrison mumbles quietly to offstage personel)
Garrison: I’m afraid we have some bad news. It seems there’s been a freak toilet paper incident. Cartman’s running mate and the current vice-president has died. I repeat: Kenny has died.
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Garrison: Well, Mr. President? Who will be your running mate now?
Cartman: Um… Well…
(The crowd stares)
Cartman: Hold on…
(Cartman exits stage, a few seconds alter, he returns with a new running mate)
Photo op: Vice-President
Cartman: People of America, I give you: Butters!
(applause)
Butters: Ah, golly-gee. That was nice of you all. I don’t really have much to say right now, but…
Cartman: Shut up Butters…
Butters: Oh, okay.
Kyle: Wait, I have something else to say!
Garrison: Who cares Kyle. You can’t compete with naked pictures of Brittney Spears anyway.
Kyle: But I thought this was a democracy!
Cartman: (dances while singing) I’m gonna be the President, I’m gonna be the President…
Kyle: Knock it off you big fatass!
Cartman: I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!
Kyle: You’re such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, fat people look at you and go, god-damnit, that’s a big fat ass!!!
Cartman: Hey! I’ll kick you in the nuts!!!!
Stan: Wait a minute.
Garrison: What now, Stanley?
Stan: (steps forward to address the crowd) I’ve learned something today. When we first came here, I thought the world was an unfair place, where terrorists could live free and do whatever they wanted, and there was nothing we can do to stop it. But now, I’ve learned that as Americans, we have to stick up for ourselves. Otherwise, the world will just walk all over us and leave us for dead. So, if you vote for us for office, we’ll make sure that people everywhere are safe from terrorists and that the children of the world, Jews and everyone, can live together peacefully as one large community. Thank you.
(Silence)
Cartman: naked pictures of Brittney Spears!
(The crowd applauds)
Garrison: We’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, at least all this shit’s over with. Back to you, Wendy.
Cut to: Wendy and Chef
Wendy: Well, this has certainly been exciting.
Chef: That’s right, Wendy. A new vice-president, right here before our very eyes.
Wendy: And Butters is no surprise. We saw a photo earlier in the election of President Cartman explaining to a nervous Butters that there was no danger to the rumors that poisonous gas had been released by terrorists in the U.S. Capital.
Photo op: Friends for life
Chef: This is a treat. We have managed to get a response to the debate from one of our nations great religious leaders.
Photo op:
savior
Jesus: oh, my… Well, um… damn. Our country’s F@#%*d!
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