*EDIT* Seeking Opinions From Writers, Much Finer Than Myself

[WyreBendr0417]

Insecurity has a tendency to occasionally run rampant in my world and today is one of those days. I've learned a lot here in AH and respect many of the opinions and insights I've read from many of you.

Sometimes I feel I get a little too caught up fanciful descriptions, and don't know if I'm taking it too far or getting too wordy, or just plain silly. Below is an excerpt from a story I'm working on, and I'd like to get the opinions of others in AH if I'm doing just that. Taking it too far. That said, the entire story is not this way, just certain scenes. Primarily the sex scenes. I appreciate any insight or suggestions you ladies and gents might have.

******
Stella closed her eyes and tilted her head back, blindly gazing into space as her mind swam 'round the hot breath and moist lips caressing her vulva. She staggered as Connie's lips found her button, gently drawing the nub inward and stroking its tender flesh with the tip of her tongue. Stella could only stand so much of her mother's oral ministrations before having no choice but to sit down for fear her quivering legs would suffer orgasmic collapse.

"My God, Mommy, my blood boils every time you put your mouth on me."

Grasping the sides of the tub, Stella eased herself down until she sat face to face with Connie, curling their arms and legs around each other. They immediately kissed. Slowly at first, then more urgently as Stella tasted herself on her mother's lips, plunging her tongue between them as passion for one another blazed within their breasts. Tongues battled for ground, plundering one another's mouth as lips fought hard to hold their lusty invaders captive.

******
Thanks, WB

 

[MelissaBaby]

I'd cut the barbarian hordes sacking her mouth there at the end. Other than that, it's a little bit purple, but not overly so.

 

[WyreBendr0417]

I'd cut the barbarian hordes sacking her mouth there at the end. Other than that, it's a little bit purple, but not overly so.

Purple?

 

[Bamagan]

Purple?

From wikipedia: In literary criticism, purple prose is overly ornate prose text that may disrupt a narrative flow by drawing undesirable attention to its own extravagant style of writing, thereby diminishing the appreciation of the prose overall. Purple prose is characterized by the excessive use of adjectives, adverbs, and metaphors. When it is limited to certain passages, they may be termed purple patches or purple passages, standing out from the rest of the work.

 

[Bamagan]

I'd second MelissaBaby on the invader bit. The overall passage is a bit too fanciful for my personal taste, but well within the parameters of what you'll find here, at least in certain categories, and isn't what I'd call over the top or anything.
But I also have a cat named Stella, so it's impossible for me to read the passage without giving it the side-eye for that reason, which of course is no criticism to you.

 

[MelissaBaby]

What Bam said.

The excerpt you showed us isn't over the top, in my opinion, but it's peaking over the edge. That can be fine, and make for a fun read, as long as the whole piece is in that style, and this passage doesn't stick out from the rest.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I'd second MelissaBaby on the invader bit. The overall passage is a bit too fanciful for my personal taste, but well within the parameters of what you'll find here, at least in certain categories, and isn't what I'd call over the top or anything.
But I also have a cat named Stella, so it's impossible for me to read the passage without giving it the side-eye for that reason, which of course is no criticism to you.

The invader metaphor might work in a M-F scene but with two women, it seems really out of place.

 

[StillStunned]

Stella closed her eyes and tilted her head back. Her mind swam. Connie's hot breath and moist lips caressed her vulva. She felt her button being drawn inward and she staggered as the tip of her mother's tongue stroked its tender flesh. Stella could only stand so much before she had to sit down, before her quivering legs collapsed from the force of her orgasm.

"My God, Mommy, you make my blood boil every time."

Grasping the sides of the tub, she eased herself down until they sat face to face, their arms and legs curled around each other. They kissed. Slowly at first, then more urgently as Stella tasted herself on her mother's lips. Passion blazed within their breasts and their tongues plunged in and out as if battling, plundering each other's mouth while their lips fought to capture their lusty invaders.

===
Shorter sentences to break up the longer ones. More active tone. Fewer adjectives. Some fat trimmed away. Remember that many people here are reading on tiny screens.

 

[WyreBendr0417]

The invader metaphor might work in a M-F scene but with two women, it seems really out of place.

Yeah, I was on the fence about that one, but thought I'd leave it in the excerpt for opinion's sake. I think I gravitate toward the more colorful style in trying to keep sex scenes from sounding all alike, but that's about as extreme as I'd let it get. Thanks Mellissa.

WB

 

[MelissaBaby]

Yeah, I was on the fence about that one, but thought I'd leave it in the excerpt for opinion's sake. I think I gravitate toward the more colorful style in trying to keep sex scenes from sounding all alike, but that's about as extreme as I'd let it get. Thanks Mellissa.

WB

Trying to find fresh ways to write sex scenes may be the hardest part of writing erotica. Aside from that last line, I like the style you are using, it's big and bold and full. I got a smile out of the phrase "orgasmic collapse."

 

[WyreBendr0417]

Stella closed her eyes and tilted her head back. Her mind swam. Connie's hot breath and moist lips caressed her vulva. She felt her button being drawn inward and she staggered as the tip of her mother's tongue stroked its tender flesh. Stella could only stand so much before she had to sit down, before her quivering legs collapsed from the force of her orgasm.

"My God, Mommy, you make my blood boil every time."

Grasping the sides of the tub, she eased herself down until they sat face to face, their arms and legs curled around each other. They kissed. Slowly at first, then more urgently as Stella tasted herself on her mother's lips. Passion blazed within their breasts and their tongues plunged in and out as if battling, plundering each other's mouth while their lips fought to capture their lusty invaders.

===
Shorter sentences to break up the longer ones. More active tone. Fewer adjectives. Some fat trimmed away. Remember that many people here are reading on tiny screens.

That sounds better. I haven't yet started editing, but a lot of that extra filler I put in usually goes by the wayside by the second or third run through.
Thank you SS

WB

 

[SimonDoom]

I kind of like the invader metaphor. I'd get rid of the word Lusty because it's unnecessary, but it's a judgment call. I've seen plenty of stories with purpler prose than yours. I like the idea of lips trying to keep tongues captive, because I've had similar thoughts.

 

[WyreBendr0417]

Trying to find fresh ways to write sex scenes may be the hardest part of writing erotica. Aside from that last line, I like the style you are using, it's big and bold and full. I got a smile out of the phrase "orgasmic collapse."

I've only been writing a little less than three years and find it difficult to keep sex scenes fresh. I can't imagine what it's like for authors who've been writing much longer than myself.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

Too purple for my taste. You focus a lot on the clinical minutia of body parts, but try to dress it up with labored metaphors.

I prefer to keep it simple and focus more on feelings than anatomy:

Stella threw her head back and gave herself over to the shocking pleasure of her mother licking her pussy.

The sensation was so intense her legs gave out and she sat down in the tub, softly whimpering.

Connie instantly took her daughter in her arms, soothing her, kissing her hungrily.

Stella kissed her back. “Mommy’s mouth tastes like my cunt!” Stella thought. Her hand was already down between the older woman’s legs, touching her the way she knew her mother liked to be touched.

 

[WyreBendr0417]

From wikipedia: In literary criticism, purple prose is overly ornate prose text that may disrupt a narrative flow by drawing undesirable attention to its own extravagant style of writing, thereby diminishing the appreciation of the prose overall. Purple prose is characterized by the excessive use of adjectives, adverbs, and metaphors. When it is limited to certain passages, they may be termed purple patches or purple passages, standing out from the rest of the work.

Thanks Bamagan. I had not heard that term before today. That's why I come here for answers when I need them.

WB

 

[ColinPiper]

Maybe think of literary "scenes" in a cinematic sense. What you have here is closeup, so lots of description is fine. However, it should have some counterpoint - other parts of the story that are described more generally or in summary. They would be your medium, long and over-the-shoulder shots, and so on. I don't mean reproduce exactly in a cinematic sense, but think of narrative compression and stretching, like an accordion. It may be you've done this anyway, it's just I've read stories by other authors that are the equivalent of extreme closeup from beginning to end - everything described to the nth degree all the time - it's exhausting.

I'd suggest replacing 'round with around, and I'm not sure what that line is trying to achieve anyway.

Other that that, what you have here is good (as far as lesbian incest goes, I guess).

 

[ElectricBlue]

Too purple for my taste. You focus a lot on the clinical minutia of body parts, but try to dress it up with labored metaphors.

I prefer to keep it simple and focus more on feelings than anatomy:

Stella threw her head back and gave herself over to the shocking pleasure of her mother licking her pussy.

The sensation was so intense her legs gave out and she sat down in the tub, softly whimpering.

Connie instantly took her daughter in her arms, soothing her, kissing her hungrily.

Stella kissed her back. “Mommy’s mouth tastes like my cunt!” Stella thought. Her hand was already down between the older woman’s legs, touching her the way she knew her mother liked to be touched.

I'm with BSG with her comparative example, it's tighter, but still emotional.

 

[WyreBendr0417]

Just wanted to thank all who responded for the many great ideas and suggestions to improve my writing. It helped a lot.

ALSO, I wanted to apologize for the way I titled this thread. Looking back at it I realized it was a bit arrogant sounding and that was not my intention at all. I asked for help and you responded, and I thank you. Please forget any haughtiness in the title as it is not at all how I wanted to sound.