Dusting off the old poems

[lyricalcandy]

Hello everybody. This is actually my first night posting anything in the forum section, although I've been a member of literotica for ... a good long while now. Long ago and far away I submitted 3 poems and I was just a wondering if people wouldn't mind taking a look, voting, maybe giving me some feedback? I'd really appreciate it.

~Candy~

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/memberpage.php?uid=7549

 

[Angeline]

Welcome Candy!

Usually the best way to get some reviews is to post the poem you want critiqued right in the thread. Here's one of yours I copied from your page.

Blindfolded
by lyricalcandy ©

I hear but I cannot see
I sense you approaching me
I focus upon your touch
As my breath is carried away
I hear your sighs
Without seeing your smile
I feel you hands
as my spirit flies
robbed of one sense
and the others soar
I hear, but don't see
and I beg for more



I like this poem--it's compact and succinct. I'd make some revisions though--some line breaks would make it stronger and I'd add punctuation. Here's one way to go.

Blindfolded
by lyricalcandy ©

I hear but I cannot see.

I sense you approaching me
and focus on your touch.
My breath rushes, ("carried away" is cliche)
and I hear your sighs
without seeing your smile.

I feel your hands (note "your"--typo corrected)
as my spirit flies. (flies where? up? heavenward? i'd specify)
I'm robbed of one sense,
but the others soar. (not sure a sense can soar--maybe revise)

I hear, but don't see,
and I beg for more.


That's one way to go. This is however a pretty literal poem, straightforward. I think that's ok, but another way to go would be to make it metaphoric--make the poem about images that convey what feeling this way is like, rather than just describing it. Might be a fun exercise to try that line by line. Some of the most powerful poems are all image.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[lyricalcandy]

Thanks for the critique. I may post the other poems but my main desire was to generate a vote or two (they've been up for a couple of years and have I think 10 votes between the 3 of them) Anywhoo ... I should probably let bygones be bygones and post something new eh?

 

[lyricalcandy]

His Treasure

His Treasure
by lyricalcandy ©

She lay before him
Trembling afraid
Yet eager to take her step
Off the ledge of innocence
And into blissful oblivion
She looked to him
Her lover
Her teacher
He relished her purity
Her gift to him
Her innocent eyes
Her untouched body
She offered all this to him
Eager to please
Ready to learn
He had picked her like a rose
And like a rose she would bloom
Her petals spreading
Opening to him
Revealing her warmth
The aroma of her essence
He tended to his precious flower
Caring for every part of her
She had given him a key
To the deepest recesses of her soul
And now he examined his prize
In all of her unadorned splendor
He took his key
Inserting slowly
Unlocking her core
He took her to a new place
Making her eternally his
Dipping his rose into a pool of gold
Forever changed
But still his treasure
.
.
.
.
.
.
This one I consider my favorite of the 3 I submitted
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=7976

 

[Angeline]

I was just a wondering if people wouldn't mind taking a look, voting, maybe giving me some feedback? I'd really appreciate it.

I'm glad you appreciated the review. Around here a request for feedback is generally interpreted as wanting a critique, so if you use that word....

Course if you ever *do* want that sort of review I (or someone else here) will offer written feedback. The corollary is if you see a request for a critique and want to offer one, feel free.


A.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: His Treasure

His Treasure
by lyricalcandy ©

She lay before him
Trembling afraid
Yet eager to take her step

This is sloppy. You may get away with "she lay.../...to take her step" outside of poetry, but in a poem this is unacceptable. You could try the harmonious sequence:

        she made her big step
        from the door to his bed
        now she lies in before him

(But all this is dreadful anyway). Your whole text reads like you mean to make it sound worse than the worst possible "poems". All this innocence, roses, petals spreading, etc, it's sooooooo silly.

Did this guy really need to get a key from this girl? Didn't he have his own picklock that opens them all? Oh, never mind, just fooling.