Down & Up In Carolina Story Feedback

[seatraveller]

The story in question can be found at www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=67655

I am new to erotic writing and am interested in improving the quality of my work. Feedback and constructive criticism are my goals here.

This story is posted in the Erotic Couplings area, and is about a man drifting about trying to deal with personal demons. He winds up in costal North Carolina and meets a slightly older woman who has problems of her own. Through love and mutual respect they begin find solutions to their problems and establish a relationship at the same time.

My stories tend to be romantic and have a slow build-up to the erotic action to allow for character and situation development. Those looking for slam-bam-thank you-mam stories will probably be bored to death before getting to what they are looking for.

If readers feel strongly about this story, good or bad, they should vote and please prvide feedback. This is the only way I can improve my sumbissions and make them more enjoyable for those who like these stories.

Many Thanks,

The Seatraveller

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Seatraveller,

Congratulations on posting your first erotic story.

This is what noted as I read it:

You type your numbers as numbers, instead of words. You need to break the habit, especially '2 women', that's simply a no-no.

It's a nice introduction, perhaps a little more detail than I thought was necessary, but it's not a problem, since much of it is relevant to the latter part of your story.

It also meant that I had to leave the Navy, because I didn't want to be in the Navy unless I was with the teams.

I saw this a number times, you repeat words in a sentence. Yes, I understand some times, 'She looks up at him and smiles a smile...'', it's done for effect or impact, and that's fine.

It also meant that I had to leave, because I didn't want to be in the Navy unless I was with the teams.

CW ... VFW ...MGD... just to mention a few.

I see you are very fond of using abbreviations. I didn't mind one or two, but after a while I found myself being distracted from your story trying to guess what they all stood for. And on that note I have to ask, what exactly is a 'Piggly Wiggly market'?

The overall picture is enough to make a man drool in his beer, like I'm doing now.

Cute.

I also notice the mouse forming under her left eye.

A mouse? Did I read that right? I'm a little Aussie and we have some really weird names for things, but this one had me puzzled. Don't use slang unless it's in dialog, and even then bear in mind you are writing for people world wide.

"Yes. And thank you for coming to my rescue. You're that young fella I've seen riding around on the big motorcycle right?"

I felt some of the dialog, like this piece, was a bit corny, but hey it's your story not mine. Besides, I don't know, maybe that's the way those Southern bells really do talk?

He's about 6'4", ...He looks to be about 50 ... He steps into the bar
Here you have three sentences in a row beginning with 'he'. It's repetitious, and doesn't make for good reading.

]...comrade to dye ... Here I sit with bare woman back showing from...

Damn it I feel like the midget calling the munchkin short saying this, but you need to proof read your work really carefully.

Sweat has popped out on my forehead

Sweat popping? This read oddly to me.

I smile and am relieved to know that I am not the only one responding to the touch of man skin to woman skin.

Nice stuff!

Her foot is suddenly pulled from my grasp as she makes to get up quickly.

Maybe it's just me, but this read oddly to me also.

Her right hand moves to the suit strap over her left shoulder and pushes it down on her arm. The left hand does the same to the other strap. She pulls both arms out of the straps and the top of her suit drops to her waist.

I noted this all through your story, details and lots of them. I enjoy descriptions as much as anyone, but here don't you really just mean - she slips the top of her bathing suite down? Some things the reader can and really does prefer to just figure out or know for themselves. Take care not to bog your reader down with too much of what they really don't need to know, or they really will get "bored to death".

Beauty looked at her watch..."You did." I replied.. "How so," I asked.


This is one of the reasons most people will tell you not to write in present tense. You have slipped back to past tense here, and several more times before you finish your story. It's just so hard not to do. The other reason you will be given this advice is that many people find present tense stories awkward to read.

At first glance she looks thin, but then you notice her height, which must be about 5'7" or 5'8", you realize her 125 or so pounds is well distributed.

Here it's even more confusing as you slip into second person.

This is a good story, it's a little too macho for me, the knight in shining amour rescuing the fair maiden, or in this case fair matron, isn't really my thing. Of course others will really enjoy this. Only you are doing yourself a disservice by writing it in the first person present tense. Many readers don't enjoy one or the other, or both, and will simply back click when they see this style of story.

I hope this is what you were looking for.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem).

 

[kristydoll]

I really enjoyed this story - well done!

I liked the build up - mainly because it was interesting and easy to read. It worked nicely.

My only advice would be to spell out your "numbers" in the story - I think it reads better that way. And aside from a few spelling errors, it was well written. The only place I had trouble with was in the first paragraph - it just read hard to me - but after that, it was done well.

Congrats and keep writing - I look forward to more.

kristy

 

[PaulX35]

Congrats

Travellin' man,

First of all, congrats. Posting your first story always feels a bit like taking the dive into the deep. That in itself deserves a compliment.

You wrote a full length piece of work, which is not the easiest way to start. In that respect I was left wondering somewhat why you would need the failry lengthy intro. True, it paints the character of the guy, but hardly any of the info sketched in that first part returns later in the story; you may want to check there to see what you really need and what not.

Here and there, we have punctuation that needs attention. The_bragis already commented on the use of abbreviations. It doesn't make things clear enough. Ok to use maybe when you make the main character use it in direct speech (he'd be expected to talk like that), but keep in mind that not everyone will be familiar with these abbreviations.

Also, when you write in the present tense, you create an expectation of more direct action than your current version is able to deliver. That sort of slows and thickens it, even when there's little wrong with the content. That while there is plenty of opportunity, I think, to liven the story up with well written Southern slang; it will add to the atmosphere you create.

I liked the older woman-younger guy element; and you use it to create real and understandable emotion in the story. Well done.

Finally,
.."The last thing you want is for a comrade to dye because you made a mistake or didn't do your job.."

Not sure, but that should be "die" in stead of "dye", eh?

I wish you lots of success!