Doubts, paranoia, and insecurities...getting over them

[Cirrus]

If everyone would please excuse a little bit of self indulgence, I need some suggestions.

Being involved in any type of BDSM relationship requires trust...moreso, I think, than in a vanilla relationship, since your emotional wellbeing as well as your physical is often at risk. I think even in the emotional respect, submissives especially are at a greater risk of getting hurt than in nilla relationships.

Still, this is the one issue I seem to have the most trouble with. I remember a time, when my ex and I first got together (anecdote for purposes of example) that I was CRAZY pissed off. He had a female friend that he knew long before we met. I know her too, and she is a friend of mine as well. There was one day, I was outside at work studying [that was how He and I met, through work] and they came out together. Our friend lives only about 6 houses from work, and she had her bike that day. Still, my then-boyfriend gave her a ride home. In the weeks previous, they had been spending a lot of time together, and that particular day both saw me but didn't acknowledge me.

I was sure he was cheating on me with her. SURE of it. So sure, as a matter of fact, I chewed him a new one the next day. Then I felt like a real ass. They had both seen me but didn't want to come over out of courtesy because they saw I was studying. The reason he gave her a ride was because she had a lot of stuff to carry and wouldn't have been able to ride her bike. Totally reasonable. I felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions.

Now I am in a similar situation. My rational mind KNOWS the person in question is telling me the truth, though I can't get myself to believe it. My friend was going to spend the weekend, but now can't because he needs to make some travel arrangements for family. He has no reason to lie to me, and I'm 99% sure he isn't. Still, I can't shake that niggling thought that no matter what, it doesn't take 2 days to make travel arrangements. I've asked him about it, but he hasn't called back yet. I'm sure when I hear the reason, I'll feel like a moron again...but I NEED to hear it. I need to be reassured.

How can I get over this? Where might these doubts have come from, that someone would rather lie or cheat than tell me the truth or spend time with me? I need to kick this thought pattern...one of these days I'm going to wreck something good because of it. HELP!!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

If everyone would please excuse a little bit of self indulgence, I need some suggestions.

Being involved in any type of BDSM relationship requires trust...moreso, I think, than in a vanilla relationship, since your emotional wellbeing as well as your physical is often at risk. I think even in the emotional respect, submissives especially are at a greater risk of getting hurt than in nilla relationships.

Still, this is the one issue I seem to have the most trouble with. I remember a time, when my ex and I first got together (anecdote for purposes of example) that I was CRAZY pissed off. He had a female friend that he knew long before we met. I know her too, and she is a friend of mine as well. There was one day, I was outside at work studying [that was how He and I met, through work] and they came out together. Our friend lives only about 6 houses from work, and she had her bike that day. Still, my then-boyfriend gave her a ride home. In the weeks previous, they had been spending a lot of time together, and that particular day both saw me but didn't acknowledge me.

I was sure he was cheating on me with her. SURE of it. So sure, as a matter of fact, I chewed him a new one the next day. Then I felt like a real ass. They had both seen me but didn't want to come over out of courtesy because they saw I was studying. The reason he gave her a ride was because she had a lot of stuff to carry and wouldn't have been able to ride her bike. Totally reasonable. I felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions.

Now I am in a similar situation. My rational mind KNOWS the person in question is telling me the truth, though I can't get myself to believe it. My friend was going to spend the weekend, but now can't because he needs to make some travel arrangements for family. He has no reason to lie to me, and I'm 99% sure he isn't. Still, I can't shake that niggling thought that no matter what, it doesn't take 2 days to make travel arrangements. I've asked him about it, but he hasn't called back yet. I'm sure when I hear the reason, I'll feel like a moron again...but I NEED to hear it. I need to be reassured.

How can I get over this? Where might these doubts have come from, that someone would rather lie or cheat than tell me the truth or spend time with me? I need to kick this thought pattern...one of these days I'm going to wreck something good because of it. HELP!!!

Ask yourself if you have any control over that he will do? If the answer is no, then you will know that obsessing over what he will do will harm no one but you. It certainly will not change his behaviour.

You do however have control over what you will do and you own thoughts. Focus on controlling your reactions. Re-direct your thoughts to something positiive.

I do this and I find that other's people's motives have become less important over time.

Hope this helps.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

Good post, EB.

I can only add that once you have given your complete trust to someone, the niggling may occur, but doesn't get the best of you.

For me, giving that level of trust leaves me with a feeling of serenity.

 

[cellis]

I can only speak for myself... but if something happens in a relationship that I cannot get past then it is time for me to get out of the relationship.

It has nothing to do with BDSM, it is just a simple rule I have.

I have boundaries.

I have placed my trust in another person... and if I find that I can no longer trust that person... well then I just need to leave.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I can only speak for myself... but if something happens in a relationship that I cannot get past then it is time for me to get out of the relationship.

It has nothing to do with BDSM, it is just a simple rule I have.

I have boundaries.

I have placed my trust in another person... and if I find that I can no longer trust that person... well then I just need to leave.

I understand. Sometimes the doubts and paranoia make staying in the situation too exhausting and soul draining. Oh yeah, it is definitely time to leave.

Eb

 

[Cirrus]

Ok, yeah...so I feel like a moron, just like I thought. I talked to my friend, and the whole story is, the arrangements he has to make are with a ticket giving to him by someone else who earned it from a credit card program. They have to go to a travel agent in order for her to transfer the ticket to him, and she has to have a photo ID with her in order to prove it's really her giving him the ticket, and she didn't get it through nefarious means.

The travel agent they are going to closes at noon on Saturday, so he'd have to leave my place at about 8 in the morning, and he wanted to spend the whole day if he were going to stay over. Again, makes total sense.

And this is why I don't just bail on a relationship when the paranoia sets in...because I usually have no reason to be concerned. I know the "problem" usually resides in my mind, and not in reality. Still, once I get that thought in my head, it won't go away until I hear the reason.

 

[SexyChele]

Cirrus, it sounds like it isn't doubts, paranoia, or insecurity that is the root of the "problem" here. To me, it sounds like a simple communication thing. In both examples you gave, you summed up a situation before getting all the data and made a conclusion. Something a lot of people do! But in both examples, once you found out the full details, you had nothing to be concerned with.

Moral of the story? Try to work on communication before making assumption. Yes, easier said than done sometimes. But worth working towards.