Domme versus dominant woman

[FungiUg]

I've been having an ongoing conversation via e-mail with someone about the difference between Dommes and dominant women. Is there a difference? If there is, where do you see the differences being?

The person I am having the conversation with is convinced that Dommes are mean and cruel. Now I know my lover is a dominant woman, but it's focussed around sexuality, and she is neither mean nor cruel (although she can be a terrific tease!)

So... are Dommes all cruel? Or are they kind and caring and fun, but like to put on a cruel persona on occasion?

 

[Shadowsdream]

I've been having an ongoing conversation via e-mail with someone about the difference between Dommes and dominant women. Is there a difference? If there is, where do you see the differences being?

The person I am having the conversation with is convinced that Dommes are mean and cruel. Now I know my lover is a dominant woman, but it's focussed around sexuality, and she is neither mean nor cruel (although she can be a terrific tease!)

So... are Dommes all cruel? Or are they kind and caring and fun, but like to put on a cruel persona on occasion?

Personally. I am a dominant Woman...a Domme... but I am not domineering.

I am a combination of cruelty, coldness, decadence, firmess, control, meaness, and sadistic, yes I balance it with caring and nurturing.

I am more Ice than Sun though only those I own feel the Ice and taste the misery that keeps them balancing precariously between heaven and hell.

Role play? Not a chance!

 

[FungiUg]

Actually, something else I should have asked is this: is there a difference in how a Domme interacts with the genders?

(Now please folks, I am deliberately using generalisations -- I am quite well aware that it will vary for individuals, and it is the individual responses I am interested in. In my experience, generalisations always fall down when confronted with the reality of individualism.)

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

Personally. I am a dominant Woman...a Domme... but I am not domineering.

Thanks, Sd. Just to follow up, what do you mean by "not domineering"?

I can certainly understand you being all of those things (and many more) -- just by relating to who I am.

 

[Netzach]

How'd you guess I'd peek in here?

I've never been so crazy about the faux-frenchie "Domme" word.

I do think that prodommes who go by "Maitresse" are good marketers.

If I have to pick a noun I like "Dominant" for me. I like the specification "FemDom" for female dominants if someone's twisting my arm about it.

I don't think there's a universally agreed to difference as to nuances about these words, Domina, Ma'am, Ms. Mistress, Syr or Sir or Master (for a woman) outside of what we personally bring to the table, that's how connotations are, they tend to be pretty personally defined.

Some Dommes are mean and cruel. Some subs could give them a run for their money in that regard. Some Dommes are so nice and solicitous and kind you can't fathom them ordering anyone around and they have subs who would walk on hot coals for them. Some Dommes drink tea, some eat peanut butter, some are black, some are white, some are fans of the Simpsons and some prefer the color green to pink.

You kinda see what I'm driving at.

The main thing that unites these disparate people is this:

We like to be served, we like to call the shots, we like to feel in control of what happens in our intimate lives and sexual lives. Should sound familiar and understandable to most guy Doms here too, I would think.

(Normally I don't think I can speak for "us" but in this case I think most of this ilk would nod and go "yeah, that works.")

I see the different moods that come over me as facets of who I am, and submission an acceptance of my totality. Which can be, dark, irrational, wrongheaded, mean, sweet, caring, loyal, capricious, loving, compassionate, materialistic, cold, shallow, wise....

"Goddess" is hokey and overused in so many ways, and I've never been woo woo new agey about things at all. But I do feel like there is some continuum of feminine divine being enacted, being made into a ritual, every time I have someone on knees in front of me. I do find this weird thing happens, that my ego steps aside, as the most egocentric things come out of my mouth, I feel like I'm stepping aside for something bigger than me, something that needs to speak through me.

Does this sound insane or disingenuous? Has anyone else ever thought these things, not in some annoying Elise Sutton way...?

 

[Netzach]

Imposters! Guards, seize him!

 

[Xelebes]

Imposters! Guards, seize him!

*hobbles in pursuit with rickety clamourous armour*

 

[FungiUg]

How'd you guess I'd peek in here?

I didn't... I just added the obligatory "I am Netzach" to the poll. Of course, it seems like you have peeked in here more than once, or there's more than one of you!

Thanks Netzach, that was a great answer. In fact, it echoes many of the things I told the woman I was having the discussion with.

I've been reading Miss Marple's of late (Agatha Christie), and she calls herself an "Old Pussy" (no joke!) And in a way, she strikes me as rather dominant, in a very backward kind of way. She gets into the minds of everyone around her, she knows exactly what is going on, and she can subtly control it. And of course, she is an excellent trainer of maids!

Anyway, while most of that is beside the point, I just thought I would add "Old Pussy" to your list of alternative names for Domme.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I've been having an ongoing conversation via e-mail with someone about the difference between Dommes and dominant women. Is there a difference? If there is, where do you see the differences being?

So... are Dommes all cruel? Or are they kind and caring and fun, but like to put on a cruel persona on occasion?

I am all velvet and sweet words. I could not be cold even if I wanted to. Uncommunicative? Yeah. A little bitchy? Yeah. But normally sweet words, soft husky voice and politely phrased commands.

I do NOT consider myself a Domme, per se. I am an alpha female, the Top, soft butch, daddy and Dominant. These things are an integral part of me and are as easy as drawing breath. It doesn't put me in the same category (to my way of thinking) as our illustrious NZ or SD.

The main reason I draw that comparison is because though I love being served, it is not the end all and be all for me. The same can be said for control. I like to have it and I keep it 95% of the time, but on occassion I want it to slip out of my hands so that I can wallow in just being with the one I love.

Actually, something else I should have asked is this: is there a difference in how a Domme interacts with the genders?

As to this part of your query. For me, there is a difference. I treat women (as a rule) with far more gentleness and concern than I do men. Men are my rough and ready play toys, women could possibly be my soul's other half. Sounds sexist but it's just how I operate.

 

[FungiUg]

Thanks, Luna. Keep in mind that how we interrelate with the genders is NOT sexist -- but essential to our gender. We DO treat women and men differently, because it's part of who we are. So no need to be at all apologetic about it.

A great answer... and it's good to see women who identify with being alpha females and yet not Domme (which is much the case of my own partner/lover.)

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Thanks, Luna. Keep in mind that how we interrelate with the genders is NOT sexist -- but essential to our gender. We DO treat women and men differently, because it's part of who we are. So no need to be at all apologetic about it.

A great answer... and it's good to see women who identify with being alpha females and yet not Domme (which is much the case of my own partner/lover.)

Thank you for the kind reply. I sometimes worry that I do not come across the way I want to. I try to avoid being long-winded (and I avoid serious topic matter like the plague) but sometimes a subject just leaps out. (As yours did)

 

[FungiUg]

... but sometimes a subject just leaps out.

Heh heh heh.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

Personally. I am a dominant Woman...a Domme... but I am not domineering.

I am a combination of cruelty, coldness, decadence, firmess, control, meaness, and sadistic, yes I balance it with caring and nurturing.

I am more Ice than Sun though only those I own feel the Ice and taste the misery that keeps them balancing precariously between heaven and hell.

Role play? Not a chance!

Yes Ma'am.. there's a big difference between being dominant and being domineering. It's like being assertive as opposed to being a bully.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Re: Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

Personally. I am a dominant Woman...a Domme... but I am not domineering.

Yes Ma'am.. there's a big difference between being dominant and being domineering. It's like being assertive as opposed to being a bully.

We have 2 winners! It's too bad I don't have any prizes to give you.

As an aside, sort of, there's a huge diference between snarling and shouting as opposed to not saying a word but just giving him The Look.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I wanna win something. (that was a whine.)

And I think I accidently voted wrong... I meant to say yes and I think I said no... LMAO... I think i must be getting sleepy finally!

 

[Netzach]

Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

This is a nice description, this could also be me to a degree. I like the Daddy archetype, and I consider myself a fetishistic Top who likes control enough to say "I'm a Dominant" but I certainly have times, probably in excess of 5 percent of the time where M or G or even my clients(!) and I are just normally interacting without ritual or hyperawareness of our stations. With the girls, it's basically an egalitarian girlfriendism where I use SM scenes as reward, and I'm constantly tickled that B says "you scare me" while wearing a smile.

Dominant, but highly highly approachable. Fetish nut and Top, mainly. Gratuitously cruel only when the embarrassment is amusing to me, and believe me, I laugh - or why bother.

I am much nicer to girls and the kind of guy you don't have to "force" into bra and panties as a rule. I don't really know why that is. Possibly because there is some insecurity at the heart of most women that I relate to too much, that the world is too ready to throw in your face all the time. I've met few women or sensitive femmy guys IRL that really eat up humiliation the way I like to dish it, though if you took a sample at Lit there seem to be a lot of humiliation fiends (what's up with that?)

Whether it's pain or humiliation though, I prefer the stimulus given to be enjoyed, and mostly in the enjoy-enjoy way rather than the "I hate but accept this" way. I like exhibitionists getting their nut off, I like the idea of putting a guy in a furry mascot uniform for a day rather than the idea of drilling worthlessness into someone's head all the time, laughs should be had, even if only mine.

I am all velvet and sweet words. I could not be cold even if I wanted to. Uncommunicative? Yeah. A little bitchy? Yeah. But normally sweet words, soft husky voice and politely phrased commands.

I do NOT consider myself a Domme, per se. I am an alpha female, the Top, soft butch, daddy and Dominant. These things are an integral part of me and are as easy as drawing breath. It doesn't put me in the same category (to my way of thinking) as our illustrious NZ or SD.

The main reason I draw that comparison is because though I love being served, it is not the end all and be all for me. The same can be said for control. I like to have it and I keep it 95% of the time, but on occassion I want it to slip out of my hands so that I can wallow in just being with the one I love.



As to this part of your query. For me, there is a difference. I treat women (as a rule) with far more gentleness and concern than I do men. Men are my rough and ready play toys, women could possibly be my soul's other half. Sounds sexist but it's just how I operate.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Re: Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

This is a nice description, this could also be me to a degree. I like the Daddy archetype, and I consider myself a fetishistic Top who likes control enough to say "I'm a Dominant" but I certainly have times, probably in excess of 5 percent of the time where M or G or even my clients(!) and I are just normally interacting without ritual or hyperawareness of our stations. With the girls, it's basically an egalitarian girlfriendism where I use SM scenes as reward, and I'm constantly tickled that B says "you scare me" while wearing a smile.

<SNIP>

Whether it's pain or humiliation though, I prefer the stimulus given to be enjoyed, and mostly in the enjoy-enjoy way rather than the "I hate but accept this" way. I like exhibitionists getting their nut off, I like the idea of putting a guy in a furry mascot uniform for a day rather than the idea of drilling worthlessness into someone's head all the time, laughs should be had, even if only mine.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. With those two paragraphs you narrowed down my point, perfectly. (Though I still see you as THE *Miss* I would most bow my head for)

I believe that all Domme's are dominant women, but not every dominant woman can be a Domme. It's posters like SD and the above (not to mention the much missed Eb) that make me wary to even title myself with that word.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

I believe that all Domme's are dominant women, but not every dominant woman can be a Domme.

You've hit on my own belief perfectly. In geek speak, Dommes are a sub-set of the set of dominant women.

Just another quick question: are alpha personalities always dominant? (That one's not about women per se.)

By the way, if you are ever missing Eb, pop onto bondage.com and say hi from there.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Domme versus dominant woman

Just another quick question: are alpha personalities always dominant? (That one's not about women per se.)

I really don't know. It would seem so, but I know it's not true. (Or at least it's not true in the case of my female petling and my girl) They are both alpha personalities and yet both gift themselves to me. (one as my pet, the other as my *good lil grrl*)

By the way, if you are ever missing Eb, pop onto bondage.com and say hi from there.

Ah thanks for the info. I will have to do just that very thing. *checks to see if she still has her b.com password and user name*

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

As usual I miss most of the interesting topics of debate. being a rather dominant personality is confuseing and.. hard. There is I think a fine line between being a "Domme" and being as Luna put it an "Alpha female". I'm certaintly the second definition as broad as it still is, I delight in being ordered around by a man to a certain degree. Outside of sexual bearings I am very submissive and very neutral on many things, I just sorta roll with the flow. In the bedroom I'm "OK" with being the bottom but find myself more times then not takeing the domminent role. Bondage being excluded, I enjoy the restraint far to much to give it up anytime soon.

And on the flip side when with another woman I could label myself more as a "domme" type. I lead they follow.

 

[FungiUg]

Just to pick up on something interesting you said...

I'm dominant. Yet when it comes to bondage, I enjoy being restrained as much as I enjoy restraining. That's just a bit of fun to me... bondage doesn't really impact on my dominance.

 

[Netzach]

Amen, Fungi. What a great vacation it can be.

In fact, I think good bondage is so much work I hesitate to call myself a top when I'm tying the ropes!

 

[FungiUg]

I'm terrible with ropes. I'm in training with tying knots. Fortunately I have some nice buckled leather restraints, so all is knot (sic) lost!

So how come there are seven of you, Netzach?

 

[Netzach]

Do we have to tell the truth about that snow white debacle?

 

[FungiUg]

You mean the seven Snow Whites and the one dwarf? Nope... your secret is safe with me!

At least the poor little guy died with a huge smile on his face!