Dominants versus "control complex"

[Scarlet Dawna]

When searching for a partner, especially in an online setting, how do you determine who is seriously a Dom and who is a guy simply looking for a submissive girl to build up his ego?

I've been told in the past that many guys searching for an ego boost will usually demand things like being addressed as Sir or Master from the very beginning ... however, it also seems (to me) that an actual Dominant might want to establish his position from the beginning ... even if this doesn't involve complete submission right away.

Are there any ways that some of you, who are more experienced than I am, can point out who is playing games and who is serious?

 

[Netzach]

It would be nice if assholes had to wear an official scarlet A or something, but sadly, you just have to rely on a mix of spidey sense, knowing what you want and need out of a relationship, and luck, I think.

 

[HarletMinx]

It would be nice if assholes had to wear an official scarlet A or something, but sadly, you just have to rely on a mix of spidey sense

Yeah, one thing I found helps is finding out their interests. Normally you can tell from their likes and so forth at least some hint of their personality. Also I think see if they show respect to you. I mean like treat you like a person rather then meat (unless that's what you're looking for).

 

[Scarlet Dawna]

It would be nice if assholes had to wear an official scarlet A or something

This is the best idea I've ever heard. I think everyone from all walks of life could benefit from this!

Yeah, one thing I found helps is finding out their interests. Normally you can tell from their likes and so forth at least some hint of their personality. Also I think see if they show respect to you. I mean like treat you like a person rather then meat (unless that's what you're looking for).

That's one thing I've definitely ran into, especially in the "online scene". If I ask someone what they like to do for fun and all they say is "Punish sluts", I've taken that to mean someone who could be genuine but doesn't appear to have any sense of self outside of being dominant.

Another problem I've ran into is being told that unless I am eventually willing to do x, y, and z that I am not really a submissive and no one will ever want me.

 

[HarletMinx]

Another problem I've ran into is being told that unless I am eventually willing to do x, y, and z that I am not really a submissive and no one will ever want me.

That's complete and utter... I'm not sure what words I can't post here but you get the idea. Do you identify as a submissive? That should answer your question. You will have your own interests, desires, and goals. In a D/s relationship those should be respected. I know what you're talking about, those people who expect any submissive to call them Master/Mistress and automatically submit. Simply put, subs are not doormats and if you seriously don't want to do something then say no. Now in a M/s relationship it's a bit different but even then the slave has the option to simply leave or not enter the relationship.

Pip

 

[x_ShimmeR_x]

Another problem I've ran into is being told that unless I am eventually willing to do x, y, and z that I am not really a submissive and no one will ever want me.

This is one of the problems with the online scene, in my opinion. There are many people out there just waiting to take advantage of someone inexperienced. You are entitled to your limits, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Most real Dominants will simply accept that you don't have compatible needs and seek out a more suitable partner, whereas someone looking for a power rush will most likely get off on making you give up your hard limits just because they said you had to.

 

[Caitlynne]

I don''t mean to be naive here, but just how big is this "on-line scene"? I mean is it like say the scene in San Francisco, or Chicago only on-line? Or is that just a word being used to describe on line but it has no real structure?

I'm confused?

 

[x_ShimmeR_x]

I don''t mean to be naive here, but just how big is this "on-line scene"? I mean is it like say the scene in San Francisco, or Chicago only on-line? Or is that just a word being used to describe on line but it has no real structure?

I'm confused?

I used the term "online scene" in my reply to refer to any forum, chatroom, or online bdsm community setting where people are likely to look primarily for online partners. I can't speak for the original poster though.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

It would be nice if assholes had to wear an official scarlet A or something, but sadly, you just have to rely on a mix of spidey sense, knowing what you want and need out of a relationship, and luck, I think.

Neztach is very right, you just have to give a try and see for your self if the Dom you are with is what you want and need. Just dont fall into the trap of saying "now you are mine sub and you will do anything I say"!! Talk to them, a lot. Tell them what you expecting from the relationship and listen very well what they expect from it.

Fill up the checklist and give it to the Dom you find interesting for you and talk it out. Tell him what your limits are and demand them to be respected without exception!! I mean, think very well about what you can and what you cant do and say it before you start doing it. Find someone who will be okay with it and who will respect it and treats you that way.

I was in care of few wannabe Dom's before and did crazy things just to please them and just so they would keep me as their sub. Its not worth it, so dont do that! Theres a lot of nice caring Dom's who will treat you dominant but still with love and respect.

Once I spoke with Dom who saw me for the first time and told me something like "show me your pic whore and a pic of your cunt!" Do not bother with this assholes!! Theres Dominants who will treat you really nice and with lots of love and care.

Online D/s relaionship is relationship as any other. It's about love, care and lots of trust. It's about sharing yaself with someone whom you can trust and give yaself to. You just gotta find the right Dom who will mesh with what you want/need and expect from it and then start exploring it all.

Be patient with finding the right person cuz if you will D/s will be something really beautiful for you, as it is for me. There are good caring Sir's around here, but there is a lot of *arrggh* wannabe's as well. Be careful to who you trust and give your pic's, vid's and your personal info and things like that.

I wish you a good luck!!

Feel free to PM me anytime

 

[RJMasters]

First grade teacher shocks class

"A" is for apple
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y266/eqoaseveredamage/apple.gif
and for little johnny there who will grow up to be an asshole.
​

 

[RJMasters]

When searching for a partner, especially in an online setting, how do you determine who is seriously a Dom and who is a guy simply looking for a submissive girl to build up his ego?

I've been told in the past that many guys searching for an ego boost will usually demand things like being addressed as Sir or Master from the very beginning ... however, it also seems (to me) that an actual Dominant might want to establish his position from the beginning ... even if this doesn't involve complete submission right away.

Are there any ways that some of you, who are more experienced than I am, can point out who is playing games and who is serious?

Compatability here is really the key. There are some women who actually like and get off on the "quote-quote" assholes.

When I say compatability, I am speaking of knowing what it is you want. Have you ever sat down and wrote out what you would consider what traits, qualities, character, mannerisms that you would respect and like to see in a Dominant?

You certainly can get advice from other people's view points and what they consider to be a good Dominant verses a not so good one, but in the end the only real opinion that matters will be your own.

I think one of the best parts about exploring D/s and BDSM is about understanding yourself more and more as you seek answers to questions. Often we each hold the answers we seek inside ourselves, unlocking them to the point we can trust them is IMO an important part.

Unless you have a history of being attracted to the wrong kind of guy, I will have go with what others said in about trusting your instincts. Any helpful advice I would offer would be in the form of allow enough time to get to know someone as best you can before giving up control and power to them. My general rule is, if you cannot see them as a friend, then chances are you haven't come to the point yet where you should be giving up control.

As a last comment, to me, the difference I see between those whom I would consider to be good verses bad dominants is:

One tends to inspire submission as a natural response of being with them, where as the other demands it as a means to feel self-important. Take that for what you will and GL.

 

[Luvkitty33]

"A" is for apple
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y266/eqoaseveredamage/apple.gif
and for little johnny there who will grow up to be an asshole.
​

Now THIS made waking up in the middle of the night worth it!!! RJ, you never fail to bring a smile to my face!

 

[Luvkitty33]

It would be nice if assholes had to wear an official scarlet A or something, but sadly, you just have to rely on a mix of spidey sense, knowing what you want and need out of a relationship, and luck, I think.

Exactly! You are right on here!

I've seen quite a few posts along these same lines lately, and from personal experience, sometimes you can have no warning signs at all that there is something "not quite right," and this goes for D/s and vanilla relationships. I think there are just going to be times when you're going to end up hurt, or more specific to your original post, become involved with someone who is in it for an ego boost, no matter how careful you are, how much you pay attention to your instincts, and how slow you take things.
Unfortunately, if you're going to "date," in any sense of that word, odds are that this will happen eventually. When it does (unless you're extremely lucky and it never does), I want to offer a bit of advice that a very wise and very kind man recently shared with me when I was going through a very painful time after ending up hurt, betrayed, and feeling very taken advantage of (despite being very careful and looking for warning signs) when a L/D relationship ended.

Two of the several pieces of advice he offered were:

"Your time, your thoughts, your feelings are the most precious things you have in this life. Do not waste them in anger or grief on fools who cannot appreciate their worth or value."

and

"Leave with him the wrong that was done, hold your head up with grace and strength."

In addition to that, I would just try and learn from each of your relationships, the good ones and the not-so-good ones, and use that knowledge when you enter into your next relationship, whether it be L/D, D/s, vanilla, etc. There is no way to 100% protect ourselves from being hurt or taken advantage of at some point, no matter how careful we are. Hopefully we meet less of the "I need an ego boost at your expense" kind of people and more of the honest and respectful ones.

Good luck to you in your search for the right partner, for, as Netzach so wisely said, we all have to rely on a little bit of luck when entering a new relationship!

 

[unfoundiamond]

telling you to stop talking to your friends

I am in a relationship with a controling abusive man, and I didn't see it coming... in person. He hid it well, and the abuse was slow to start. The one thing that screamed in my head when I read your post is one thing he did was try to alienate me from everyone, He would tell me I shouldn't talk to anyone they just want to have sex with me, and that was pretty much from day one. I remember my parents told me that wasn't right, and he was too controlling.

My abusive relationship is vanilla, not BDSM. I was told by a friend that a Dom shouldn't try to make you stop talking to your friends. If he doesn't want you to "cyber" that's understandable...

Maybe there's a correlation between these men, vanilla or not, and being controlling abusers and trying to keep their mate from having a support system.

The reason I think this isn't normal is I met a great guy who I happen to share intrests with, including BDSM, and He doesn't care who I talk to, even when I told him I talked to my Ex, He wasn't jelous or controlling. I have told him all about people I talk to on Lit. and in RL, He isn't just indiffrent, He is positive, and supportive.

 

[richard_daily]

There are a million ways to be submissive, and a million ways to be dominant. Most of them are utterly boring and formulaic.

If a dom is boring and uninspired, you're going to be able to figure it out in the first 10 minutes of talking to him. He could be hiding deep seeded insecurities, or he could be playing out a role in his head.

As an example; I saw a porn where a guy asked this woman what she liked. Her response was "you know, whips, chains, paddles, the usual".. He said "oh that's hot, we can definitely do that!", and then proceeded to completely ignore the fact that she said she liked them and just did what he felt like.

That's not a dom, that's a boring dude fronting like he's a dom.

Granted, you might not give her exactly what she wants, but if you're not willing to take some consideration of your submissives' needs and desires, you're a poor excuse for a lover, much less a dom.

 

[Caitlynne]

I used the term "online scene" in my reply to refer to any forum, chatroom, or online bdsm community setting where people are likely to look primarily for online partners. I can't speak for the original poster though.

Thanks.

 

[RJMasters]

Now THIS made waking up in the middle of the night worth it!!! RJ, you never fail to bring a smile to my face!

Just doing my part. smiles are good

 

[callinectes]

My general rule is, if you cannot see them as a friend, then chances are you haven't come to the point yet where you should be giving up control.


One tends to inspire submission as a natural response of being with them, where as the other demands it as a means to feel self-important.

Not just one, but two excellent quotes from RJ. If you don't remember any of the other advice, do remember these two points.

 

[Softouch911]

I agree with all of this.

If, in addition, you want to sort through the crap early on and find out if the guy wants "you," have a list of your own .... of what you have to offer to the relationship.

Tops who are used to subs who do nothing but interview and worry over their own limits without showing what they have to offer -- and I DON"T mean pictures, fergawdsake, and I don't mean sex -- will probably faint, but they'll know right off that you're serious. That may scare off some of the gamers who just wanna get off. But someone who wants to offer dominance to your (potential) submission will know.

And of course you need a list of your own on what y ou're looking for out of it, too.

But someone who is "real" and hears what you want to offer for service will be more likely to ask you intelligent questions about yourself and then counter with a description of what he has to offer you.

If this sounds odd, think of how we decide we need/want something when we are shopping. Isn't it because it offers something we think we'd like?

Just a thought,
ST

 

[RUbensBeautY]

When searching for a partner, especially in an online setting, how do you determine who is seriously a Dom and who is a guy simply looking for a submissive girl to build up his ego?

Are there any ways that some of you, who are more experienced than I am, can point out who is playing games and who is serious?

I think your questions are very valid ones and most likely those that pop into anyone's mind after the early exposure to online D/s environment. You have been given some excellent advice above, so there is just one more thought I would like to add, slightly off topic perhaps but one piece of advice I have learned to follow the infamous hard way.

When you realize that someone is not right for you, or just playing with you, your heart, feelings, submission, please have the courage to walk away from them! The sooner you do, the better off you will be.

Weeding through the incompatible masses can be a though job when you are searching for a partner and at times, when overcome by impatience and longing, the temptation has been there for me to ignore the warning signs and focus on my hopes so strongly, I almost made myself believe that I had found a suitable partner, that I was finally there.

Not a good decision. Having hopes and expectations can be an important compass in your search but don't let them cloud your instincts and your rational mind.

That said, I do hope that your exploration will also result in lots of fun and eventually lead you to the person you are looking for.

My best wishes to you.

 

[Marquis]

Just wait until you meet a guy whose demands you WANT to obey, not reluctantly out of a feeling of obligation, but because you like him, alot, and want to do whatever it takes to please him.

They're all assholes and pansies until you meet that dude.

 

[BiBunny]

Just wait until you meet a guy whose demands you WANT to obey, not reluctantly out of a feeling of obligation, but because you like him, alot, and want to do whatever it takes to please him.

They're all assholes and pansies until you meet that dude.

That about sums it up right there, I think.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I dont know about everyone else, but I pay attention to the feelings I get from people. The other thing is, I know me pretty well. That is, I know what sort of women I'm attracted to...so I can spot them all over the place.

Beyond this you wait & watch, to collect a fund of observations about them before they know youre interested. So you can confirm your feelings. See how they treat people when no one is looking.

 

[CuteBrat]

(((Originally Posted by RJMasters
My general rule is, if you cannot see them as a friend, then chances are you haven't come to the point yet where you should be giving up control. )))


if a slave may be allowed to disagree....i just have to on this one. I have two Masters right now and i am not sure i would call either of them friend. and i doubt they would call ME friend. they are not my friends...they are my MASTERS. i am not their friend...i am their SLAVE. Friendship implies a "level playingfield" and a sense of equality that, to me, absolutely is the opposite of the M/s framework. The initial question was how do you know someone really IS a Dom...and this answer, to me, shows that the poster absolutely is NOT. or at least definitely not a Master.
--------------

((Originally Posted by Marquis
Just wait until you meet a guy whose demands you WANT to obey, not reluctantly out of a feeling of obligation, but because you like him, alot, and want to do whatever it takes to please him.))

again...i think this shows a lack of understanding of the M/s life. if i just obeyed out of LIKING to obey someone, how, exactly, would that be submitting? My Master has a term for people like those. He calls them Chocolate Cake subs...they will absolutely submit to eating delicious chocolate cake. True submission?? not so much.
----------
((JAMESBJOHNSON I dont know about everyone else, but I pay attention to the feelings I get from people. The other thing is, I know me pretty well. That is, I know what sort of women I'm attracted to...so I can spot them all over the place.

Beyond this you wait & watch, to collect a fund of observations about them before they know youre interested. So you can confirm your feelings. See how they treat people when no one is looking.))

Ah...finally someone who i can agree with! listen to your inner voice. the wannabe's show their true selves pretty quickly. They have no idea of the realities of submission....they think reality is the same as Story of O, or, God forbid, the Gor books. you can spot em pretty quickly.

just 2-cents worth, from a real-time slave's perspective....

 

[Netzach]

(((Originally Posted by RJMasters
My general rule is, if you cannot see them as a friend, then chances are you haven't come to the point yet where you should be giving up control. )))


if a slave may be allowed to disagree....i just have to on this one. I have two Masters right now and i am not sure i would call either of them friend. and i doubt they would call ME friend. they are not my friends...they are my MASTERS. i am not their friend...i am their SLAVE. Friendship implies a "level playingfield" and a sense of equality that, to me, absolutely is the opposite of the M/s framework. The initial question was how do you know someone really IS a Dom...and this answer, to me, shows that the poster absolutely is NOT. or at least definitely not a Master.
--------------

((Originally Posted by Marquis
Just wait until you meet a guy whose demands you WANT to obey, not reluctantly out of a feeling of obligation, but because you like him, alot, and want to do whatever it takes to please him.))

again...i think this shows a lack of understanding of the M/s life. if i just obeyed out of LIKING to obey someone, how, exactly, would that be submitting? My Master has a term for people like those. He calls them Chocolate Cake subs...they will absolutely submit to eating delicious chocolate cake. True submission?? not so much.
----------
((JAMESBJOHNSON I dont know about everyone else, but I pay attention to the feelings I get from people. The other thing is, I know me pretty well. That is, I know what sort of women I'm attracted to...so I can spot them all over the place.

Beyond this you wait & watch, to collect a fund of observations about them before they know youre interested. So you can confirm your feelings. See how they treat people when no one is looking.))

Ah...finally someone who i can agree with! listen to your inner voice. the wannabe's show their true selves pretty quickly. They have no idea of the realities of submission....they think reality is the same as Story of O, or, God forbid, the Gor books. you can spot em pretty quickly.

just 2-cents worth, from a real-time slave's perspective....

You completely missed on number 2, super-slave of the universe.

Read it again. Closer.

Marquis was saying you love/like/admire HIM. Not that you love everything he comes up with for you to do for him, not that you're sure that because you love him he's only gonna pat you on the head (or even love you back, I would add, but that's another thing) He's talking about someone who inspires you to do what they want you to do, simply that.

Or maybe you don't obey because you care what your owners think, or want to please them, maybe you actually want to please yourself with your own fantasy notion of suffering and inability to refuse. That smells pretty Story of O to me. I want someone who obeys me because I am ME and no one else, not because they have spent 25 years masturbating to some internal script and I fit the part.