Dominant Training

[Wolfspet]

Even a casual search of any BDSM website yields tons of information on the training of pyl's. But where does a potential PYL even begin to gain the information that will make him/her successful and effective?

Mentoring by a more experienced PYL and even coaching by an experienced pyl are two options that come to mind. But not everyone has access to a face-to-face community -- there are some people that live in isolated areas, or have professions that lead to a "closeted" life.

I've never thought much about how hard it must be to be an aspiring PYL without guidance, until I had an interesting conversation with my owner earlier today...

 

[CutieMouse]

Even a casual search of any BDSM website yields tons of information on the training of pyl's. But where does a potential PYL even begin to gain the information that will make him/her successful and effective?

Mentoring by a more experienced PYL and even coaching by an experienced pyl are two options that come to mind. But not everyone has access to a face-to-face community -- there are some people that live in isolated areas, or have professions that lead to a "closeted" life.

I've never thought much about how hard it must be to be an aspiring PYL without guidance, until I had an interesting conversation with my owner earlier today...

There are books, munches, seminars, classes, mentors, online forums... one need not be "out" to be educated; one should not excuse a lack of learning for want of an easy access face-to-face community.

 

[Betticus]

It's like that where I'm at too. It would be the patient lil subbie for me.

 

[Wolfspet]

Betticus, are you saying that your area is completely devoid of potential fellow kinksters as well?

I live in a puritanical dead zone, apparently. No money to travel, either. So munches, seminars, etcetera are simply not an option. Many books have been read. So we are completely awash in a sea of theory, but there are things that an instruction list doesn't really help with.

We do have a repertoire, but expanding into the areas such as "mindfuck" are appealing, but intimidating to both of us.

 

[Betticus]

Betticus, are you saying that your area is completely devoid of potential fellow kinksters as well?

I live in a puritanical dead zone, apparently. No money to travel, either. So munches, seminars, etcetera are simply not an option. Many books have been read. So we are completely awash in a sea of theory, but there are things that an instruction list doesn't really help with.

We do have a repertoire, but expanding into the areas such as "mindfuck" are appealing, but intimidating to both of us.

There are other bdsm types here but I haven't found one I want to be with and I don't want to play with anyone I don't want to keep.

 

[Tyr51]

I mentioned in another thread around here somewhere that I can't top from the bottom. The minute I start to mentor, teach, etc. I find that the excitement leaves the relationship for me. I'm a sub. If I am actively "teaching" someone how to top me, then I am clearly in charge of that aspect of the relationship. It just doesn't work for me.

I am engaged to the most phenominal man. When we met, we had a fairly large gap between our actual experiences and our attitudes towards sex. He was not familiar with D/s as a movement though it's become apparent that the concept has always been in the back of his mind and intrigued him. I expressed my interest. He's a scholar, so he went out and read everything he could. He read my writing here, and looked at other stories in the genre. Within a very short amount of time he became dominant in our relationship, and in such exquisit ways. Whether it's always having a hand on the small of my back when we walk together, or deciding I am being too noisy and fashioning a gag. But these are things he has looked at and learned about on his own. These are things that he has always, likely, been fundamentally interested in but stayed away from for fear of seeming disrespectful towards women.

I don't think you can make a Dom out of someone who is not any more than you can really make a sub out of someone who is not. I remember the person who helped me take the first significant steps in discovering my own nature. He directed me to places I could learn, spoke a lot about the subject, answered my questions, and allowed me a safe way to try things one small step at a time.

So, for my PYL? We have talked a lot, I gave examples of places where he could learn more, communicate about things we like, and I try to make it safe for him to experiment with *his* desires (and in this regard I am talking about emotional safety. I want him to know it is ok to try new things and I wont reject him if they don't work as planned. Doms have feelings too ).

Seems to me to be a decent way to go about things, anyhow.

 

[Betticus]

I mentioned in another thread around here somewhere that I can't top from the bottom. The minute I start to mentor, teach, etc. I find that the excitement leaves the relationship for me. I'm a sub. If I am actively "teaching" someone how to top me, then I am clearly in charge of that aspect of the relationship. It just doesn't work for me.

Actually, it's not dominance that needs training. Not the being dominant, not in life or the bedroom but maybe I should be more specific.

It's with the more heavy aspects of bdsm. The people who run the group down in El Paso are both retired medics and they do teach as well as perform some of the more esoteric aspects of S&M. The training wouldn't be for dominance but with health and safety issues.

 

[ChainedEros]

Would you guys be willing to be a submissive while learning what a dominant does?

 

[Tyr51]

Ah!

I was actually responding more to the originator of the post; I'm sorry about the confusion! And reading your response, perhaps I misunderstood the post originator as well.

Much respect to every Dom who takes the time to make sure S/He is safe and affective. The willingness to take on that responsability is definately worthy of respect.

 

[Betticus]

Would you guys be willing to be a submissive while learning what a dominant does?

Tried that before and just as Tyr51 doesn't feel topping I don't feel bottoming.

Unless I'm just on bottom and tell her to get on my face but then.. that's where I wanted her to be. Or if I tell her to get on top and fuck me silly till I can't take any more.. but then again she's doing that for me as well.

 

[Betticus]

Ah!

I was actually responding more to the originator of the post; I'm sorry about the confusion! And reading your response, perhaps I misunderstood the post originator as well.

Much respect to every Dom who takes the time to make sure S/He is safe and affective. The willingness to take on that responsability is definately worthy of respect.

Wouldn't want to hurt anyone, it's bad form and in my opinion if you are too dominant to know when you don't know it all and should get help from someone experienced then you're going to hurt someone you care for.

 

[ChainedEros]

Tried that before and just as Tyr51 doesn't feel topping I don't feel bottoming.

Unless I'm just on bottom and tell her to get on my face but then.. that's where I wanted her to be. Or if I tell her to get on top and fuck me silly till I can't take any more.. but then again she's doing that for me as well.

I wasn't talking about being dominated by a woman.

 

[Betticus]

I wasn't talking about being dominated by a woman.

What you are asking is completely out of the question and would only be asking for trouble in real life.

 

[SweetErika]

Would you guys be willing to be a submissive while learning what a dominant does?

No. And, really, I don't think I can be a submissive because that's just not who I am. Relinquishing that much control isn't me.

I can, however, bottom. I've done that with things like fire, wax and impact to get a feel for the sensations, different styles and what different implements can do. My husband has topped me occasionally as well. I retain a level of control I'm comfortable with, learn what I want to learn, and all is well.

I can learn and identify with my sub without experiencing submission myself.

 

[ChainedEros]

What you are asking is completely out of the question and would only be asking for trouble in real life.

I don't think it is. What I'm asking may be different than what you're thinking.

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

Do you want it?

 

[ChainedEros]

No. And, really, I don't think I can be a submissive because that's just not who I am. Relinquishing that much control isn't me.

I can, however, bottom. I've done that with things like fire, wax and impact to get a feel for the sensations, different styles and what different implements can do. My husband has topped me occasionally as well. I retain a level of control I'm comfortable with, learn what I want to learn, and all is well.

I can learn and identify with my sub without experiencing submission myself.

Is that so?

 

[Zoots_owner]

I wish that places like The Citadel in San Francisco did webcasts. Unless some do by now... hmmm. Anybody know offhand?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Betticus, are you saying that your area is completely devoid of potential fellow kinksters as well?

I live in a puritanical dead zone, apparently. No money to travel, either. So munches, seminars, etcetera are simply not an option. Many books have been read. So we are completely awash in a sea of theory, but there are things that an instruction list doesn't really help with.

We do have a repertoire, but expanding into the areas such as "mindfuck" are appealing, but intimidating to both of us.

We just really started slow and worked up to the riskier stuff. That might sound overly simplistic but it works. BDSM is so much more than learning which knots to tie and how to twirl a flogger and impress your friends. More than all that, you will learn how each of you responds to different activities and stimuli, new hotpsots on the body, new favourite toys and sensations. You will learn more about each other and your trust will deepen gradually until things like 'mindfuckery' are not so way off the scale. I think it's possible to over think things and drown in a sea of 'what ifs.' If something works for both of you, it will flow naturally, it will just feel 'right' and you won't need to analyse what you're doing. Keep communicating during play, have a safe word and 'get out quick' plans for bondage etc and things should develop at a natural pace.

A year on from becoming Master's slave, I can trust him to keep me chained in our cellar for a weekend, treat me like a Guantanamo inmate and still ensure I get all my meds, don't get marked or injured too much and don't become a shell of a human being. It's all relative and as you work your way up your learning curve, what's relative will shift accordingly.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[SweetGigi]

A thread on this was already started a few months ago. See if there is anything there that will help you.

 

[Netzach]

Actually, it's not dominance that needs training. Not the being dominant, not in life or the bedroom but maybe I should be more specific.

It's with the more heavy aspects of bdsm. The people who run the group down in El Paso are both retired medics and they do teach as well as perform some of the more esoteric aspects of S&M. The training wouldn't be for dominance but with health and safety issues.

I'm thinking about this, and the OP.

Honestly, at one point I hit a wall locally with skills. There are people who have them, but I'm not a "hey show me how, for free cause you love me" person. I'm quiet, I'd rather pay for a class and take notes when I get there.

Travel to the events with the educators. Yes, it costs money, yeah it's inconvenient. When I wanted to learn suspension, I went to the teacher. There are certain riskier elements that actually involve technical knowledge to the point where you want a nurse in the room if possible, or MD's who know about harness hang syndrome. It depends what kind of play you are interested in, but there are certain skillsets that all the love and concern in the world aren't going to replace.

 

[Netzach]

Would you guys be willing to be a submissive while learning what a dominant does?

Did.

Was a very valuable experience.

But I think it's very much against just about most people's superficial everyday nature. The question is, when you scratch the surface do you want to stay there forever or get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible.

I still hate button mushrooms, but at least I've had them.

 

[Wolfspet]

Thank you, SweetGigi, for giving me the link to the other thread. Unfortunately, I had already been through that one. When I read my original post, I do see where there are perhaps too many similarities between the two.

My owner, however, is not a "new" dominant. I can see Netzach's point about paying for a class or two in certain techniques. I don't think we're after something as physically risky as suspension. But I do think that a certain reluctance sets in after you've been doing the D/s thing for a while and certain expectations have been constructed. Our general method is for her to send me out to research anything I'm interested in and bring that info back to her. Make a report, so to speak.

But some of the stuff we're interested in past the basic B&B (beatings and bondage) deal more with fucking with the pyl emotionally. Our normal methods just don't work very well. She needs someone else to go to, a mentor or something. I can't do it for her. That's what the struggle is, I think.

 

[SweetGigi]

Thank you, SweetGigi, for giving me the link to the other thread. Unfortunately, I had already been through that one. When I read my original post, I do see where there are perhaps too many similarities between the two.

My owner, however, is not a "new" dominant. I can see Netzach's point about paying for a class or two in certain techniques. I don't think we're after something as physically risky as suspension. But I do think that a certain reluctance sets in after you've been doing the D/s thing for a while and certain expectations have been constructed. Our general method is for her to send me out to research anything I'm interested in and bring that info back to her. Make a report, so to speak.

But some of the stuff we're interested in past the basic B&B (beatings and bondage) deal more with fucking with the pyl emotionally. Our normal methods just don't work very well. She needs someone else to go to, a mentor or something. I can't do it for her. That's what the struggle is, I think.

Yes, Then I am with Netz in finding someone whom she can take classes from or can mentor under. I know WI is a fairly restricted area, however you might get lucky in finding a mentor in a particular skill set thru FetLife. I know we happened to get really lucky in finding a single tail thrower who is mentoring me in throwing for my sissy maid. I'm still not comfortable throwing at anything other than a pillow, but in time I will be able to strike my pet to both our liking.

I completely sympathize with you. It is hard to not only find something that will 'do it for you', but finding that someone who can do it for you or teach that Someone to do it for you. Good luck. Let us know what you find.