Dominant Crossdressers????

[michellestein25]

I am soo confused by my husband. He is a crossdresser. I found out 3 years ago by accident. I don't think he ever planned on telling me. Prior to finding out I knew he liked to look at bondage porn. He claims he wants to tie me up and he has a couple of times. It is really hard for me because I panic if I cannot move. Anyway, now I notice he looks at sites entitled" TV's Bound to Serve" and "Transgendered Restraint".. So, I tied him up one night. I thought he enjoyed it...but when I ask him or tell him I am going to tie him up he claims that he wants to tie ME up? Everything that I have read about crossdressers states that they want to be submissive....He won't talk to me about this...so, here I am asking for any input any of you may have....

Are there "Dominant Crossdressers"?????

 

[CutieMouse]

Cross dressing is cross dressing. I've known cross dressers who were switches, Tops, submissives, and yes, even Dominants.

 

[eastern sun]

We have to be careful that we don't impose these artificial limits on the raw stuff that is people. I have a Masochist Dominant.

But masochists are submissive, right?

The way we human beings use language to draw boundaries is often the source of our confusion.

 

[njlauren]

While a lot of gender people (cross dresser, gender fetishist, m to f transwomen) tend to be submissive there are one who are dominant, too (if I had to hazard a guess, more prob id as sub, with the rest switch or dom). I once played with a pretty fierce pro TS domme in NYC, was pretty mind-blowing

 

[Stella_Omega]

I really like Net'z advice;

"You don't get to tie me up until you've talked to me, dude."

 

[pierrelarue161]

I really like Net'z advice;

"You don't get to tie me up until you've talked to me, dude."

Well stated, madame.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well stated, madame.

T'wasn't me said it, it was Netzach.

Also, Call me "dude" or something, not madame. You can call Netzach madam though, I think.

 

[pierrelarue161]

T'wasn't me said it, it was Netzach.

Also, Call me "dude" or something, not madame. You can call Netzach madam though, I think.

My fault. Duly noted.

 

[Shankara20]

Everything that I have read about crossdressers states that they want to be submissive....
Are there "Dominant Crossdressers"?????

Crossdressing Top right hear - true, more Top than Dom, but I do become directive in scene or as need arises.

*sounds of Shank raising his hand like in gradeschool*

I have been actively crossdressing for over 20 years and I 'm very good at wielding a flogger - or tying shibari - or sliding the needle in "just so"...

I am not "fem", I just like "fem" clothing.

More if asked.

 

[Scentofawoman]

I can just add that we have several cross dressers here on Lit on the Fetish boards who become very Dominant when they want to.

 

[Licia]

I am soo confused by my husband. He is a crossdresser. I found out 3 years ago by accident. I don't think he ever planned on telling me. Prior to finding out I knew he liked to look at bondage porn. He claims he wants to tie me up and he has a couple of times. It is really hard for me because I panic if I cannot move. Anyway, now I notice he looks at sites entitled" TV's Bound to Serve" and "Transgendered Restraint".. So, I tied him up one night. I thought he enjoyed it...but when I ask him or tell him I am going to tie him up he claims that he wants to tie ME up? Everything that I have read about crossdressers states that they want to be submissive....He won't talk to me about this...so, here I am asking for any input any of you may have....

Are there "Dominant Crossdressers"?????

What I am hearing is that you've been caught off guard about his desires, where you are supposed to fit in conjunction with mutual needs and a general "WTF" atmosphere due to lack of communication.

I'm not sure if any of the above is accurate.

A subject to which I can attest from personal experience: accidentally discovering one of hubby's personal proclivities is a recipie for disaster if the subject cannot be broached with an open mind and non judgemental attitude. The climate can be further inflamed if he feels like his privacy has been invaded, and you're feeling blown away by something this big being kept secret: elephant in the room. Unless the both of you tag team the beast, it will remain in your collective space forever. Reactionary springs can be detrimental by constructing fear in the play space.

It sounds as if the two of you are attempting to address needs and wants. If the two of you can sit down together with this attitude and realize that reactions are sometimes specifically knee-jerk (people aren't perfect) much of the fog will clear.

Dominant crossdressers?

Yes, I think dominant crossdressers exist. My hubby came with a switch button--Masochisticsado style--all of these traits slept inside. Eh, the Leather community's tendency to train sons comes to mind as an example of our dynamic. Your own may be very different. *shrugs*

 

[Shankara20]

It sounds as if the two of you are attempting to address needs and wants. If the two of you can sit down together with this attitude and realize that reactions are sometimes specifically knee-jerk (people aren't perfect) much of the fog will clear.

Sage advice. Not easy for some, but well worth the effort.

 

[daniel_b]

--redacted--

 

[pierrelarue161]

Probably some stories in the Trans/CD section at Lit. Not trying to belittle Michelle. Just get that impression, that's all. And it reminds me of my ex and her habit of making assumptions instead of listening.

 

[Que]

I'm not exactly sure where my cd tendencies fit in with my clearly dominant side, sexually. My femme persona is very poorly sexualized and she despite concerted efforts for the most part asexual.

I served as a service bottom with my ex wife a couple of times at my request that was kind of interesting. But that wasn't generally connected to dressing. She would say that "en femme" I am much more agreeable, much more passive. But I think for me its more inner-child stuff from long before abuse hardened my exterior.

I have very little interest in it these days but I thought if I were to resurrect it it would definitely be as a lesbian dominatrix. Would consider a cuck couple maybe for that scene.

I was widely envied in the cross dressing scene for having such an open minded and supportive wife. Support doesn't mean arousal...but one of the things she seemed to like was when we attempted to include "her" in the bedroom, after a time, my femme side would just go hide and my male side would roar out in what we defined as reclaiming sex. Kind of a way for me to reassert myself and tell my psche that all's OK, my masculine identity survived the affront intact.

I'm no shrink but my guess is tying you up swaps his feeling of vulnerability for yours. Society doesn't berate women (well not much) for wearing plaid shirts and doc marten's in the furtherance of their quest for self...In males alternate gender expression is scary dangerous stuff. Not the kind of adventure for a sissy...(oh, wait?)

As an early poster mentioned he is likely feeling exposed and vulnerable...he CHOSE not to share this with you untill you found it on "accident'. There are no accidents..either he NEEDED to be found out so he could have integrity between his inside and the outside you see, or you snooped. I don't say snooped pejoratively, but a person's internet habits is akin to reading ones diary.

I would strongly encourage you to go to a support site online for crossdressers and their loved ones. (hopefully both together but probably best if you go take a peek yourself). Google should find that for you handilly....I'd rather not run afoul of the moderators here but for starters please go to the one with nothing in the title but crossdressers and of course the requisite dot com. There are other fetish-y sites that you may later find fun, but this one is family friendly, panty-shot free and a great network....I'd take you in hand there but its a place of fond times for me and I can't bump into my old self there...(oddly I havent bumped into my old self here on lit, which is just as well.)

Since that got wordy let me give a little practical suggestion for now:

I think his desire to bind you is (for him) key...I don't know why, Don't need to know why. You seem open to his needs and so long as the following doesnt trample your psyche (past abuse or something that makes this specifically a problem):

take a couple of ties of some sort tie your ankles but leave the other end just drapped off the bed, you maintain the illusion your feet are tied where you place them by just holding that part of you still.

Take two more tie them to the headboard but NOT to your wrists...Instead wrap them around your wrists a couple of times then grasp the ends in your fists...you can struggle and fight quite believably, and still get loose immediately if this is uncomfortable for you.

Hope this helps.

Even though he didn't volunteer any of this to you initially (which is about his fears not your trust.) He has shared probably as much as he knows about himself at this point.

This is a sacred trust. Don't abuse that now or in the future. If there is a hell it is my belief that there is a special place therin for those that would exploit anothers most tender vulnerabilities for petty, selfish or angry reasons...and thats all i'm gonna say about that.

 

[LucyH]

The porn or erotica a person looks at doesn't necessarily correspond neatly to the role they envision for themselves in real life. Eg. I'm a gender bender and a switch, and I can sometimes feel submissive and female at the same time, but I have no interest whatsoever in fictional stuff featuring submissive women. Go figure.

If you don't have anything against it, may I suggest letting him tie you up and seeing how it goes?

 

[Que]

The porn or erotica a person looks at doesn't necessarily correspond neatly to the role they envision for themselves in real life. Eg. I'm a gender bender and a switch, and I can sometimes feel submissive and female at the same time, but I have no interest whatsoever in fictional stuff featuring submissive women. Go figure.

If you don't have anything against it, may I suggest letting him tie you up and seeing how it goes?

Ok treadjack but sort of appropo:

I know labels don;t really help but trying to get my head in the right frame to see you and sorry cause this is a little personal, but want to make sure I get it..

whats your cis gender? and you presentation. I wasnt clear if by gender bending you are cis female and present male or t'other way round?

If cis male present female, writing gay fiction that is notable, I've only met one cis-male that self identified and lived as a gay male yet desired (in a non-drag performer way, I mean actual female gendered) femme persona.

Now that may be because my CD circles are mostly closeted (gender wise, sometimes sexual orientation wise) primarilly heterosexual or bi male...

I know quite a few f to m transgendered bois but they arent closeted in the same way as sociecty shrugs more as long as they dont do too good a job of the cross.

Ok now im confused about what i even asked.

 

[Shankara20]

whats your cis gender? and you presentation. I wasnt clear if by gender bending you are cis female and present male or t'other way round?

I know you were not asking me, but think I'll jump in. When I use the term "gender bending" I think about presenting in a way that makes clear your birth/assigned gender, but includes some almost flamboyant aspects of another gender. This is not at all akin to dressing to "pass" or dressing as a "Queen" or "King", but mixing up the gender assignment clothing and styles as to make a quick visual categorizing difficult.

There are generational differences in how this might play out, like a 60 year old male looking traditional except for the red nail polish and lace hanky in his breast pocket ever-so-slightly viable.

Ok now im confused about what i even asked.

I know the feeling well...

 

[Stella_Omega]

There are generational differences in how this might play out, like a 60 year old male looking traditional except for the red nail polish and lace hanky in his breast pocket ever-so-slightly visable.

Got pics?

 

[LucyH]

Ok treadjack but sort of appropo:

I know labels don;t really help but trying to get my head in the right frame to see you and sorry cause this is a little personal, but want to make sure I get it..

whats your cis gender? and you presentation. I wasnt clear if by gender bending you are cis female and present male or t'other way round?

I'm biologically female and haven't really made an effort to figure out to hide that so far, aside from full-body costumes at Halloween eg. Spider-Man and Darth Vader. One of these days I may give it a whirl, but it'll take a fair bit of effort. Right now I'm in guy clothes right down to the underwear, and now that I'm thinking about it, I notice that I'm sitting like a guy, but I'm still wearing the light purple nail polish I put on yesterday, and the tiny iridescent hoop earrings that I put in 2 weeks ago.

Now that may be because my CD circles are mostly closeted (gender wise, sometimes sexual orientation wise) primarilly heterosexual or bi male...

I know quite a few f to m transgendered bois but they arent closeted in the same way as sociecty shrugs more as long as they dont do too good a job of the cross.

Yeah, nobody bats an eyelash at me for the most part if I act or dress like a guy. If anybody gets their panties in a twist about my behaviour, gender-wise, it tends to be about what they feel that a man is supposed to be doing for me, rather than me doing it for him. Somehow he's at fault if I choose to carry the big heavy thing or whatever it is that they think should be his job.

I've got a lot of latitude in terms of what's socially acceptable for me - a lot more than a man does. I can wear a sundress and work on my quilt, or put on a pair of jeans and go tinker with the lawnmower, and either one is perfectly okay. Women are seen as empowered when they do stereotypically male stuff. They're being well rounded, competent adults. Once men were the official heads of their households, the owners of property, and the ones with political power. Now the playing field is a good bit more level. Or so the story goes.

But somehow, the reverse didn't exactly happen at the same time. It did not suddenly become normal for a man to wear a sundress and take up quilting. Many people feel like there is something a little humiliating about a man doing stereotypically female stuff. Plus the stereotype of the man being in charge is something people tend to be aware of, even if they don't put much stock in it. And hey, there are plenty of people in this world who still do think that's how things ought to be. So giving that male status up could be a symbolically submissive act, or forcing femme stuff on someone could be dominant. I think it could work that way, anyway. It's not really how I feel about things, personally. However, it's ridiculously late, and my brain is mostly melted and I'm afraid I'm rambling, and I'm not sure that I can articulate how I actually do feel about it.

 

[michellestein25]

I was born female. (still am)... Thank all of you for your input. Yes I feel left out or inadequate when I know he looks at bound crossdresser porn and does not want me to tie him up..even though I have in the past. Either he didn't like it or I did not do a very good job...To me crossdresser=submissive. So, you can see my confusion. I do believe he has shared all that he is capable of sharing...And I do enjoy this exploration with him. I don't just tolerate it! Since finding out our sexlife has improved 100%....