Dominance = Aggression? MsW's *analyze it to death* thread

[MsWorthy]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

 

[Rubyfruit]

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

No, I couldn't.

 

[LordMagicMan]

Depends on the roll... If she was a switch, I could understand expecting me to start it sometime and her starting at other times. Though if I had to intiate it everytime I would think her a sub and not a switch.

So I guess I agree with Ruby on this one.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

No I don't believe Dominance is about aggressiveness at all, its about control. If a Dominant isn't in control of his/her emotions and actions then its not good.

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

No, I don't see this being a necessity for meeting my needs as a sub. Again control is the key here. Without it, to me, its just kinky sex.

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

There are times that Master wants me to initiate sex. I don't see that it takes away from his Dominance of me in any way.

Great thread MsW.

dixi

 

[SexyChele]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness?

Absolutely not. Though I do believe it is a major factor of those posturing to be Dominants.

If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Agressive? Or in control? I know, semantics, right? I'm going to assume by "agressive" you mean "controlling". (And please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) In that case, then if it is all the time, I would not consider him/her to be Dominant. If it is on occasion or once in a while, it depends on the situation.

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

No, it is not. (Unless, again, by "aggressor" you mean one in control.)

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

Most of the time? Then no, I would not consider him/her to be Dominant.

 

[zipman]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

I think Dominance is about control, first and foremost. Does aggression also fit in there, yes - to some extent - but aggression by itself does not, the Dominant make.

I think a Dom should be the initiator most of the time, but I do not think it has to be all of the time. If a Dom/me instructed a sub to initiate sex at certain times or in certain circumstances, than I think you could still think of them as a Dom. A case in point would be if a Dom instructed a sub to awaken him each day with a blowjob. She would be initiating the sex each day, but due to his commands. She would still be responding to his control.

Good topic, as always, MsW!

 

[cymbidia]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness?

The emotional dominance of one person by another in BDSM terms is not about physical aggressiveness, no.

If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Yes. There are times when all of us, as humans, want and need to be cuddled and held, to be made love to and treated with tender respect and soft emotions. Why would this be less true for dom/mes than for anyone else in the world?

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

I expect a dominant to be the aggressor/initiator when we begin the dance of bodies together, yes. I expect him/her to begin the play that will act as a pattern for subsequent intimate interactions, a template of power, invisible yet real, into which we can embroider our touching in the time to come.

After time, there is latitude and play in our lovemaking, in our heated moments. After time, the idea of "who is in control" is so firmly etched into the reality between us that permanent exhibitions are unnecessary and could possibly become cumbersome.

From another perspective, though, when searching for a dominant, the description "aggressor/initiator" is not at the very top of my list. Perhaps it's because i assume anyone i'd become intimate with would, in fact, already posses those qualities as surely as they breathe.

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me? [/B]

Most of the time?
No.
Perhaps it's unkind but no.
As odd as this might seem to some here, in my personal, intimate, sexual relationships, i am very submissive. That includes sexually. I'll do anything, just about, but it's difficult for me to initiate it.

If my partner wanted me to initiate sex some of the time, i could and would, though.

Just not most of the time.

And i wouldn't so much not think of him/her as a dom as i would simply be horribly and totally self-conscious and feel gawky and know i was doing something wrong, that if s/he wanted sex, we'd be having it, obviously s/he doesn't want it so why am i pushing?

 

[WillowPuss]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

It is my belief that Dominance has nothing whatsoever to do with aggressiveness. To be a true Dom/me, I believe takes a lot of self control - when a person is aggressive, they tend to lose some or all of their self control.
I am unsure what you mean by being sexually aggressive ... but I feel that a Dom/me is able to be gentle and persistant and still be a Dom/me.


Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

Absolutely not.
Now you are gonna want to know what is my first expectation ... I suppose I would put honesty and openness right up there at the top. If we are just talking play, then it would have to be SSC.

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

No, I probably wouldn't. Not if it was most of the time.

 

[Trainerman]

Interesting thread MsW

As someone who regards himself as Dom...I think Zipman said it very well.Good shot again Zip !

I am controlling but not aggressive. In fact there is a paradox there. In the 'world at large' I sometimes am very aggressive. With my partner I am controlling and the sexual 'aggressor' without being aggressive in behaviour.

I can also be cuddly.

I think I am confusing everyone now!

Dave

 

[Quint]

I am as much of an "aggressor" as T. We both actively present our respective sides of the D/s exchange. He doesn't just sit back and let me be submissive to him; I don't just sit back and let him dominate me. It's not passive like that. That is how I interpreted your choice of words, MsWorthy; hope it didn't venture too far astray.

I'd have to agree with the above posters. "Control" is the word I'd think of first, although all sorts of others chime in almost immediately (aggression-as-relentless-driving-passion being one of them). And I think Zipman stated it most eloquently, paraphrased here: if I'm commanded to initiate sex, the first thing that I would think of was the command, and only secondly the fact that he wouldn't be initiating it. This would be fun. But definitely not all the time. I wouldn't take it as a sign that he isn't a true Dom, by any means, but I would not enjoy initiating any sort of scene or sexual event most of the time, even by his command. Variety is nice, as is knowing that sometimes he just can't keep himself off of me. Plus, if I'm tied up spreadeagled on the bed for a weekend, how exactly am I going to initiate anything? o)

 

[MsWorthy]

Part 2

Thank you for responding, everyone. Now for part 2 of my *analyze it to death* thread:

It seems that most of the respondents would not consider someone who isn't (most of the time) the sexual aggressor/initiator - a dominant. Many of you say that being sexually aggressive is not what makes a dom/me, but then say that you wouldn't consider someone a dom/me (or would prefer it otherwise) if she/he wanted/required/asked you to be the aggressor most of the time.

So, what are the signs that hint that one may be dominant? Is it first and foremost, one who is aggressive sexually, or is controlling sexually just as good (one can be controlling and not aggressive - ie requiring that one's sub initate sex is controlling their sexual encounters, but not initiating them)?

Based on this, is it really control that makes a dominant, or is it really being the sexual aggressor/initiator that indicates one is dom/me?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: Part 2

Thank you for responding, everyone. Now for part 2 of my *analyze it to death* thread:

It seems that most of the respondents would not consider someone who isn't (most of the time) the sexual aggressor/initiator - a dominant. Many of you say that being sexually aggressive is not what makes a dom/me, but then say that you wouldn't consider someone a dom/me (or would prefer it otherwise) if she/he wanted/required/asked you to be the aggressor most of the time.

Dang I almost wanna jump and shout "I got it right" LOL. Kidding. Now Seriously, on to the questions...


So, what are the signs that hint that one may be dominant? Is it first and foremost, one who is aggressive sexually, or is controlling sexually just as good (one can be controlling and not aggressive - ie requiring that one's sub initate sex is controlling their sexual encounters, but not initiating them)?

As I stated before, to me, Dominance isn't about being agressive its about control, total control over the Dom/me's actions as well as the sub's. Like I said, IF Master wants me to initiate the sex encounters then it does not diminish from his Dominance over me. Actually in my book it increases it. Meaning he has me initiate, but he decides ultimately if we have sex or not.


Based on this, is it really control that makes a dominant, or is it really being the sexual aggressor/initiator that indicates one is dom/me?

So based on the things I've said, to me, its all about control.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: Re: Dominance = Aggression? MsW's *analyze it to death* thread

And i wouldn't so much not think of him/her as a dom as i would simply be horribly and totally self-conscious and feel gawky and know i was doing something wrong, that if s/he wanted sex, we'd be having it, obviously s/he doesn't want it so why am i pushing?

That about sums it up.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Re: Interesting thread MsW

Sorry Ms. W. I never got to respond to part 1. Please excuse my tardiness. I can bring a note if you desire it

I am controlling but not aggressive. In fact there is a paradox there. In the 'world at large' I sometimes am very aggressive. With my partner I am controlling and the sexual 'aggressor' without being aggressive in behaviour.

I can also be cuddly.

I think I am confusing everyone now!

Dave

As MY-Sir stated; when HE and I are together, HE is controling. Which is why I am with HIM. HE knows how far to push me, and when to stay HIS hand. Not at all as some of my past "nilla' relationships who were agressive in the sexual sense. No, I'll stick with the control of MY-Sir, thank you very much.
And................. I LOVE IT when MY-Sir is all cuddly!
Makes me respect HIM all the more for giving me that side of HIM.
Btw, HE's a Taurean, so you can understand why HE may be considered aggressive. Of coarse, this isn't my opinion, I rather like HIS assertive style.
OK Ms. W, I'm finished now. I'll return to my seat at the back of the class and try and stay awake now.

-kym-

 

[Lancecastor]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness?

Lance Says: Aggression is the Hai Karate cologne of being D....it's cheap and you can smell it a mile away. But sometimes being cheap and loud has its charms....

If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Lance Says: They can be mutually exclusive....think, for example, of the kind of man who does nothing, but his mere presence in a room makes women's loins moist and their hearts beat faster. They vie for his attention and want to fuck him. Men want him to talk to them about business and sports. He IS Dominant. But he is NOT aggressive.

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

Lance Says: If I want my partner to initiate sex, she will, though she likely won't know I had her do so. She'll either realize how D I am, or she'll likely be gone if she doesn't.

 

[NemoAlia]

What about a Dom/me who enjoys having his/her sub beg for his/her sexual attentions? I think that he/she is still a Dom/me, although the sub is initiating the sex even without a direct order.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Re: Part 2

[Now for part 2 of my *analyze it to death* thread:


So, what are the signs that hint that one may be dominant? Is it first and foremost, one who is aggressive sexually, or is controlling sexually just as good (one can be controlling and not aggressive - ie requiring that one's sub initate sex is controlling their sexual encounters, but not initiating them)?

Based on this, is it really control that makes a dominant, or is it really being the sexual aggressor/initiator that indicates one is dom/me? [/B]

Ms. W. for me, it's the control that is execircised over me. Whether directly or indirectly. A simple look, wave of the hand, or verbal command. Makes no matter. In submitting to MY-Sir, I am giving over to HIS control, not HIS aggression.

-kym-

 

[CarolineOh]

Is Dominance about aggressiveness? If a dom/me is not sexually agressive is she/he still dominant (in your opinion)?

Is aggressor/initiator your first description/expectation of a dom/me?

If your partner wanted you to initiate sex most of the time, would/could you still think of him/her as a dom/me?

While I think his initiation of sex is an important factor in the d/s aspect of our relationship, it is not so preponderate as to be definitive of his domination. I do generally prefer for him to "take me" as he wishes, but I am also willing to be the initiator, and I do not make a judgement about his level of dominance based on it.
I think one thing to consider is the service aspect of being a submissive. If I initiate, or more accurately offer, sexual "service" to him as his submissive, I am the initiator, but that confirms, rather than negates, his dominance.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Re: Re: Dominance = Aggression? MsW's *analyze it to death* thread

I do generally prefer for him to "take me" as he wishes, but I am also willing to be the initiator, and I do not make a judgement about his level of dominance based on it.
I think one thing to consider is the service aspect of being a submissive. If I initiate, or more accurately offer, sexual "service" to him as his submissive, I am the initiator, but that confirms, rather than negates, his dominance.

Wonderfully stated CarolineOh! You've expressed my thoughts exactly. Thank you.


-kym-

 

[CarolineOh]

Thank you, kym. And may I say that both you and your Master have been wonderful additions to this forum.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Many thanks to you CarolineOh for your kind words. But I think it's more MY-Sir you are speaking of. HE is much more articulate then I am. Even though I do think about issues/ideas deeply, I have trouble defining those thoughts at times.
I appreciate your kindness all the same.


-kym-

 

[Lancecastor]

3-Way?

Are these all basically the same thing, expressed differently?

What about a Dom/me who enjoys having his/her sub beg for his/her sexual attentions? I think that he/she is still a Dom/me, although the sub is initiating the sex even without a direct order.

Lance Says: If I want my partner to initiate sex, she will, though she likely won't know I had her do so. She'll either realize how D I am, or she'll likely be gone if she doesn't.

CarolineOh Said: I think one thing to consider is the service aspect of being a submissive. If I initiate, or more accurately offer, sexual "service" to him as his submissive, I am the initiator, but that confirms, rather than negates, his dominance.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Let me just say this. I'm with a non-initiator now and sex does not happen unless I initiate it and seduce him. After a few years, this kinda wears down one's feelings of being desireable. I can see why so many men complain about it.

We all want to be wanted.

I don't mind initiating at all, but if he never "takes" me, I couldn't think of him as dominant, or in control.

 

[Lancecastor]

I initiate it and seduce him.

uh, excuse me....I'm having a moment.


~~~~~~~~*~~~~~***~~~~~****~~~***~~~*~~~~*~~~

I think the best gigs are where the initiation patterns run on several interlocking sine waves of various amplitudes dependant on a bunch of variables.

A joint effort. The complete circle.

 

[P. B. Walker]

uh, excuse me....I'm having a moment.


~~~~~~~~*~~~~~***~~~~~****~~~***~~~*~~~~*~~~

I think the best gigs are where the initiation patterns run on several interlocking sine waves of various amplitudes dependant on a bunch of variables.

A joint effort. The complete circle.

Is this called "Sexual math"? lol

PBW "Gawd I just knew I should have paid attention in geometry class"