Dom vs. dominant, is there a difference?

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Time for a new question…..

As I’ve been researching I’ve gotten away from associating the use of “Dom” in a strictly sexual context. But this brings up the question, is there a difference between somebody with a dominant/alpha, need to be in charge all the time, type personality and a Dom?

Thanks,
Rox.

 

[CutieMouse]

Personally, I compartmentalize the two.

I have an old friend- I dated him a few times, actually, who considers himself to be a Dom. IMO, he's a nice guy, with a rather strong personality- in other words, a dominant man. To *me* his attitude and behaviour, do not line up with the characteristics I consider to be necessary, to earn the submission of another.

Being in charge of someone else is a lot of work. IMO dominant people are able to flirt with power, because their personality carrys them, but it takes dedication and work, to earn the "title" of Dom or Domme.

 

[nymphee]

Time for a new question…..

As I’ve been researching I’ve gotten away from associating the use of “Dom” in a strictly sexual context. But this brings up the question, is there a difference between somebody with a dominant/alpha, need to be in charge all the time, type personality and a Dom?

Thanks,
Rox.

That's a really astute question!

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but maybe you could put the diving line somewhere in terms of awareness? For example, I have a friend who Sir and I always talk about as being submissive, but I would never call her a sub, becuase I think it's something you have to consent too, or be aware of?

Am I trying to simplify things too much?

nymphée
x

 

[nymphee]

Personally, I compartmentalize the two.

I have an old friend- I dated him a few times, actually, who considers himself to be a Dom. IMO, he's a nice guy, with a rather strong personality- in other words, a dominant man. To *me* his attitude and behaviour, do not line up with the characteristics I consider to be necessary, to earn the submission of another.

Being in charge of someone else is a lot of work. IMO dominant people are able to flirt with power, because their personality carrys them, but it takes dedication and work, to earn the "title" of Dom or Domme.

I'm so sorry, cutie mouse, I think I may have just bastardised your response. Please don't think I was trying to offend.

 

[ownedsubgal]

most people see the two as entirely different, however i do not. to me, a "Dom" is a person with a dominant personality, an alpha type, leader, tendency to be controlling, etc. whether or not they live or are even aware of the D/s or bdsm lifestyles is irrelevant. a Dom is a Dom is a Dom. Master and slave are titles to be earned, imo, however Dominant and submissive are not titles, they just describe personality types.

 

[catalina_francisco]

That's a really astute question!

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but maybe you could put the diving line somewhere in terms of awareness? For example, I have a friend who Sir and I always talk about as being submissive, but I would never call her a sub, becuase I think it's something you have to consent too, or be aware of?

Am I trying to simplify things too much?

nymphée
x

I think that is a great point. Too many people spend time dividing others into Dom/sub groups based on their perceptions of their personality without ever considering the point you made, that it is about the person's choice and consent, and some people may not even wish to be considered one or the other.

In answer in part to the OQ, there is a lot to be said for the quiet, not so obvious Dom/me. Some like the glitz and obviousness of those who make a point of leting everyone around them know they are dominant by nature, I for one like the understated and quiet whereby they do not have to prance and rant to be dominant...and believe me, if you step out of line they have very effective and often chilling ways of letting you know.

Then there are also the ones who are domineering more so than dominating, and often fall into the alpha camp where they like to appear strong and in charge. They are ones to avoid as they don't have what it takes to be dominant or respect the submission of another. Bullying can so easily be confused with dominance.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

Then there are also the ones who are domineering more so than dominating, and often fall into the alpha camp where they like to appear strong and in charge. They are ones to avoid as they don't have what it takes to be dominant or respect the submission of another. Bullying can so easily be confused with dominance.

Catalina

This describes the gentlemen I alluded to in my earlier post. While he was not a bully by any means, he was (IMO) domineering, without the depth necessary to accept the responsibilities of being in charge of someone else, as a Dom.

And Nymphee, the bastardization/possibly offensive thing, flew right over my head, so no worries.

 

[RJMasters]

Yes.

The difference is like being a man compared to being a husband.

One is a natural part of a person's being just like a person's gender. It who they are. A person who has a dominant persona is dominant by nature.

A Dom is a person who is dominant in nature +

The + is what makes them a Dom. A Dom can come in many shapes styles etc...but I offer a "generalizzed description" based from my own understanding:

A Dom is a title or position that is given to a person who is within a Dominant/submission relationship. The primary role in the relationship is to be the dominant partner of the relationship and engage in power exchange from that position of dominance on a physical, mental and emotional level with their submissive partner(Again keeping in mind that what constitutes "engaging" is often personalized). there is often more time than not responsibilities which go along with being a Dom, but again those responsibilites fluxuate depending on the relationship between the two.

If you apply both terms in the context of D/s BDSM, then dominant would be more acurately known as a "Top" and Dom would be more representative of a person in a committed relationhip with a submissive.

Not dogma, but some just some general thoughts.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Thanks so much for your responses. This has actually helped clarify some things in my mind very much.

Cutiemouse I too look at them different, sorry ownsubgirl. I understand your point, but don't exactly see it the same way. And Nymphee I agree in terms of how a person see themselves in help defining their attitudes, but Catalina made what I was trying to figure out in my head make sense.

I know a few people that have strong, almost overbearing personalities and while not exactly what I think of as bullies are very domineering. And that I think would be a dividing line from being a Dom/me.

Thank you, it helps a lot in explaining why I feel so much emotional resistance towards following their lead.

Rox.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I know a few people that have strong, almost overbearing personalities and while not exactly what I think of as bullies are very domineering. And that I think would be a dividing line from being a Dom/me.

Thank you, it helps a lot in explaining why I feel so much emotional resistance towards following their lead.

Rox.

YW, remember, you never have to follow anyone just because they demand you do....you have a choice, and you have to feel you can trust the one you submit to, not to mention respect them. If you don't, you will be in for a lot of heartache and eventual heartache or worse. Submission is never a given, it is earned through behaviour and manner just as much as is their dominance over you.

Catalina

 

[nymphee]

Then there are also the ones who are domineering more so than dominating, and often fall into the alpha camp where they like to appear strong and in charge. They are ones to avoid as they don't have what it takes to be dominant or respect the submission of another. Bullying can so easily be confused with dominance.

This is where I tend to confuse people. I come across as extremely assertive, possibly bossy, if you wanted to be unkind. Ironically, my mother often tells me off for bossing my man around. (His mother once said I was domineering, but we don't talk about that) however, in matters sexual I am the consumate sub. This is where preconceptions play a strong part- there is an awful idea, which is widely accepted among the "less informed" shall we say, that to be sumissive is to be weak, or less intelliegent. I am neither, and generally come out as a leader in group activities etc etc. Yet, put me in front of the man I love and I'm as pliable as a poor quality paddle.

Therefore, I would like to pose the question: Is it possible to be dominant and a sub, or sumissive and a Dom?

 

[catalina_francisco]

You can be switch, though what I think you are referring to is more an ability to survive, be strong, and run your own life which is a good quality in a sub. Many Dom/mes are looking for strong submissives, not the stereotypical image of someone wanting to be rescued from life and looked after because they can['t or don't want to do it for themselves. They can be in for a big shock if the find a Dom/me who expects them to think, not to mention serve, instead of sitting pretty and waiting to have their every whim catered to.

Catalina

 

[nymphee]

You are extremely wise Catalina, it is a real pleasure talking to you.

However, I've tried being a top, and hated it, so I guess I'm not a switch!

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

YW, remember, you never have to follow anyone just because they demand you do....you have a choice, and you have to feel you can trust the one you submit to, not to mention respect them. If you don't, you will be in for a lot of heartache and eventual heartache or worse. Submission is never a given, it is earned through behaviour and manner just as much as is their dominance over you.

Catalina

I do agree, but find there are times when it's just easier to go along then to try to debate an issue. Speaking in more generalized terms the just D/s. And that in turn creates a level of resentment because while the domineering personality expects agreement and respect based on how they percieve themselves they don't return that sentiment even if they think they do. (if that made any sense.)

Rox.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I do agree, but find there are times when it's just easier to go along then to try to debate an issue. Speaking in more generalized terms the just D/s. And that in turn creates a level of resentment because while the domineering personality expects agreement and respect based on how they percieve themselves they don't return that sentiment even if they think they do. (if that made any sense.)

Rox.

LOL, now who is the wise one?!! It certainly is easier (or shoudl I say wiser) to sometimes just go along than debate something....now if only I could remember that 24/7!!

Catalina

 

[nymphee]

Fine fine! You're all as wise as an oak full of owls!

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Therefore, I would like to pose the question: Is it possible to be dominant and a sub, or sumissive and a Dom?

This actually brings up another question I was going to post a thread about. I see a lot of 24/7 posters and can't imagine that type of lifestyle. Not in anyway downplaying what they have, I just don't think I could do it myself. Of course most of my opinions for that could be based on the aforementioned "domineering" types so maybe at some point this could work for me.

But I can be a very take charge person when the situation warrants it, and I have a hard time picturing letting that go.

Rox.

 

[nymphee]

But I can be a very take charge person when the situation warrants it, and I have a hard time picturing letting that go.

Rox.

It sounds like we'd get on famously!

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are extremely wise Catalina, it is a real pleasure talking to you.

However, I've tried being a top, and hated it, so I guess I'm not a switch!

LOL, I don't think of myself as wise enough yet....too stubborn for that...maybe someday though.

Catalina

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

This describes the gentlemen I alluded to in my earlier post. While he was not a bully by any means, he was (IMO) domineering, without the depth necessary to accept the responsibilities of being in charge of someone else, as a Dom.

Cutiemouse I have to say I like how you phrased this. The description fits my friend very well.

Rox.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

RJ, thank you for your input. I've read several of your posts and found them to be very thought provoking in my attempts to learn more.

A Dom is a title or position that is given to a person who is within a Dominant/submission relationship.

So basically this would be more of a title within a D/s relationship and not necessarily a character description of someone not involved in the lifestyle?

Rox.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

LOL, now who is the wise one?!! It certainly is easier (or shoudl I say wiser) to sometimes just go along than debate something....now if only I could remember that 24/7!!

Catalina

I don't know if I would consider it wiser, but definitely easier. If they have determined in their mind that they are right no amount of reasoning will make them change that opinion, especially if they feel your reasoning doesn't have a valid basis, and then it becomes an effort in futility. Now that at some level could be considered a bullying component, I suppose.

Rox.

 

[myinnerslut]

interesting reading, sorry im jumping in on the tailend...

so if being a Dom is more then being a dominant person, can you be a Dom without having a sub at the time?

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

It sounds like we'd get on famously!

I have a feeling. I've been called bossy as well. LOLLL But I've been involved with those that look to me for constant leadership and find it very exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling so I know it's not something I want all the time either.

Rox.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't think that a dominant day to day personality or a submissive day to day personality always translates into the bedroom. What we may see at work or at other places may or may not be the core personality of a person. I know of many that seem dominant or submissive in most areas of their lives but are not that way at all in a sexual sense. I think that when we try to predict based on what see on the outside of a person in our real lives we are far more likely to get a person wrong than we are right. That's because what someone projects is often so different from what they feel at their core. Of course that applies only if they've even thought about D/s at all. Otherwise they may not even know or see it as applicable to them.

*shrugs*

Fury