dom/sub confusion... help?

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

To make a silly long explination short and to the point.. I've been interested in BDSM and general dom/sub for over 5 years now.. dabbleing now and then in fun with friends ect...

Now I'm in a stable relationship..( or as stable a relationship as a 21 year old can be in) with a willing and interested partner to explore more intense things with. I'm the more domminent of the two of us though we're more like two switches. sometimes he takes the lead sometimes I do. we've experimented with some mild tieing, pain/pleasure tweeks like light spanking and such.

He's made it clear he wants to do more as have I but it seems he wants me to take a more domminent role.. and I'm not sure what the next step would be... any suggestions? I've been reading everything I can grasp on the subject.. But whats worked for other people?..

To be honest I fear if I take the domminent role that I won't want to relinquish it later when he's more comfortable to take the lead.

 

[Limbhugger]

Welcome

First and foremost, just relax and go with what comes. Let it evolve and grow within yourself, him, and between you. Remember, D/s is not a one-size fits all proposition. Make it your own.

This is a REALLY good site for you both to read:

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

And be sure to browse the Library thread on this page. Lots of excellent information there.

And if your boyfriend is leaning to the sub side, you two might want to read through this thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=206443

And of course, always feel free to ask and ask again. That is what this forum is all about!

 

[incubus_dark]

Dear DarkLadyOfDeath,

You say you’ve read around, so I’ll assume you know what sort of things you want to do and what turns you on. You imply that at least some of these involve being dom, but that you also like being sub and are nervous that if you dom him hard, he’ll want it to stay that way and not play fair and dom you later on. So your question seems to be more, “how should we make a start and how can I be sure that if I do dom him it wont be permanent.”

Here’s one suggestion: Agree a schedule. Agree to inflict on him a week of total subservience where you will use him without mercy as you desire, push his limits to the edge and where his every waking moment will be dedicated to your whims. The catch being that at the end of the week you both take two or four days off as neutral territory, then he must do the same for you for a week, whether he feels like domming you or not. This may or not work but when it comes down to it, if he’s heading towards being a sub, rather than a switch, there’s nothing that will prevent it anyway.

To make it work you really have to throw yourself into it though. If you are cautious and hold back on your darkest desires while it’s your turn to dom, human nature suggests that he will pick up on it and thus also be reserved when it’s his turn to dom. So go the full bit: On the day it starts, when he walks in the door tell him to strip and stand in the corner for half an hour while you have a cup of coffee and consider how you feel like using him today. If he misbehaves punish him harshly. Luxuriate in the freedom of humiliating him deeply and using him thoroughly. When you wake in the morning before he does, kick him out of bed and order him into the shower so that you can take your morning piss on him, as he deserves, or whatever else it is you really want to do. Going the whole hog on him will give him tacit permission to do the same when the tables are turned. If you are concerned that he doesn’t quite have the courage of his convictions to use you as he might truly wish when it’s his turn to dom, you can try using the freedom within his submission to elicit admissions of what he would like to do to you were the tables turned. You would then express approval of these by telling him that sounds delicious but you’ll have to punish him for thinking such thoughts while he’s status is so lowly, or alternatively, express approval by doing them to him; which method he will soon catch onto and use to control you to some degree, so it shouldn’t be over-relied upon.

After you’ve both had your turn, if it doesn’t work or he can’t bring himself to dom you as you wish, or perhaps he expresses a desire to make himself your permanent plaything, you’ll have to resign yourself to the fact that that’s the way it would have gone anyway, you’ve just found out faster. It then becomes time to renegotiate your relationship or re-examine your needs and desires.

 

[esclave_PP]

www.castlerealm.com is a great resource too.

 

[MissTaken]

As for the next step, try reading some erotic stories or just lying in bed naked and fantasizing. See what turns you both on.

As for confusion and concern about shifting roles, if you communicate with each other clearly and persist in doing what feels good for both of you, you will be fine. There is much give and take in any relationship and in terms of BDSM, the potential for two who seem to enjoy switching is limitless.

Take it slowly and communicate, communicate, communicate.

I can offer that in my own relationship, we talk about BDSM and our preferences, fantasies or time together often. Errr, daily, even.

I do understand your concerns as I felt some of the same when I first engaged in D/s with scooter. Topping a male wasn't high on my list, but as it happens, our relationship is richer and more fruitful for having found what cliques for us.

 

[ethereal~minx]

Dear DarkLadyOfDeath,

You say you’ve read around, so I’ll assume you know what sort of things you want to do and what turns you on. You imply that at least some of these involve being dom, but that you also like being sub and are nervous that if you dom him hard, he’ll want it to stay that way and not play fair and dom you later on. So your question seems to be more, “how should we make a start and how can I be sure that if I do dom him it wont be permanent.”

Here’s one suggestion: Agree a schedule. Agree to inflict on him a week of total subservience where you will use him without mercy as you desire, push his limits to the edge and where his every waking moment will be dedicated to your whims. The catch being that at the end of the week you both take two or four days off as neutral territory, then he must do the same for you for a week, whether he feels like domming you or not. This may or not work but when it comes down to it, if he’s heading towards being a sub, rather than a switch, there’s nothing that will prevent it anyway.

To make it work you really have to throw yourself into it though. If you are cautious and hold back on your darkest desires while it’s your turn to dom, human nature suggests that he will pick up on it and thus also be reserved when it’s his turn to dom. So go the full bit: On the day it starts, when he walks in the door tell him to strip and stand in the corner for half an hour while you have a cup of coffee and consider how you feel like using him today. If he misbehaves punish him harshly. Luxuriate in the freedom of humiliating him deeply and using him thoroughly. When you wake in the morning before he does, kick him out of bed and order him into the shower so that you can take your morning piss on him, as he deserves, or whatever else it is you really want to do. Going the whole hog on him will give him tacit permission to do the same when the tables are turned. If you are concerned that he doesn’t quite have the courage of his convictions to use you as he might truly wish when it’s his turn to dom, you can try using the freedom within his submission to elicit admissions of what he would like to do to you were the tables turned. You would then express approval of these by telling him that sounds delicious but you’ll have to punish him for thinking such thoughts while he’s status is so lowly, or alternatively, express approval by doing them to him; which method he will soon catch onto and use to control you to some degree, so it shouldn’t be over-relied upon.

After you’ve both had your turn, if it doesn’t work or he can’t bring himself to dom you as you wish, or perhaps he expresses a desire to make himself your permanent plaything, you’ll have to resign yourself to the fact that that’s the way it would have gone anyway, you’ve just found out faster. It then becomes time to renegotiate your relationship or re-examine your needs and desires.

at this level, communication is a must! and GOD!!!! Look at the doors that could open!
incubus~dark this is great and DarkLadyofDeath, you're one lucky girl to be in a stable relationship w/ this level of communication!!!! I'm sooo happy for you *smiles* ...and at 21!

 

[Arles]

Hello, everyone—I’ve been reading through some of the topics here trying to sort some things out, and this seems like a helpful group of people, so I decided to take the plunge and register, mainly because this topic struck a cord with me.

I’ve been with a woman for several months now who, I’ve come to learn, has a strong submissive streak in her, at least with regard to sex. I think she would like to move things into more of a D/s relationship—or at least add a lot more of it. And so would I. I don’t have much experience with BDSM, except for playing around with light bondage, mainly because most of my former lovers were not into anything kinkier than oral sex. But with this woman, I find myself wanting to be a lot more dominant than I ever realized I was. From what I’ve read, I think this kind of confusion is pretty normal and I think we’re both wrestling with that.

Anyhow, a number of things I’ve read emphasize the importance of “communication” when you’re trying to sort out these things. I can totally understand that and agree how important it is. But the problem is that my partner is very shy. I really would like to give her what she wants, but I don’t really know what that is because she gets embarrassed and uncommunicative when I try to talk to her about it. Almost everything I suggest to her seems to embarrass her, but also to turn her on. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it confuses the hell out of me.

Any suggestions would be a big help. Thank you.

 

[Ziggy*stardust]

Arles:

Suggest to her that she writes a journal. Maybe it is easier for her to write down her thoughts, feelings and ideas in a book, or in a journal on the computer. That way she will be able to relax and put her feelings into words in her own time. (It could help her get to know herself better as well, by going back and reading her own words. Also, because she might think about things more thoroughly then.)

You could read that journal from time to time, so you get to know what she wants and needs. This way, things might be more comfortable for her because she doesn't have to put everything straight to you.

It could work as a solution to start with, and then as she feels less shy, she can start saying it out loud to you instead.

Good luck,

*Ziggy*

 

[FungiUg]

A number of things I’ve read emphasize the importance of “communication” when you’re trying to sort out these things. I can totally understand that and agree how important it is. But the problem is that my partner is very shy. I really would like to give her what she wants, but I don’t really know what that is because she gets embarrassed and uncommunicative when I try to talk to her about it. Almost everything I suggest to her seems to embarrass her, but also to turn her on. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it confuses the hell out of me.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Two things I'd suggest here. One: patience. Take your time, don't rush her. The more you talk about these things, the more used to talking about them she will get. And you can enjoy the added benefit of her being so turned on!

Two: try giving her things to read. Sometimes shyness is more about not knowing what to say. So if you give her articles or erotica to read, she can tell you what she liked in it, and what she didn't. That can give you a good indication of where to concentrate.

Best of luck, and have fun!

 

[Arles]

Thanks for the suggestions, Ziggy and FungiUg.

I know that she has fantasies about being dominated and controlled, so I asked her to try writing one of them down for me if she couldn't talk about it. That caused her some anxiety, too, unfortunately.

Also, I know that she reads some of the erotica (she's the one who told me about this site, actually) and so I think that might be a good idea for her just to point me toward some of the stories that turn her on.

I get the feeling that she's reluctant to tell me what she wants for fear of scaring me off or something. I guess I understand that, and so I'm trying to be patient to earn her trust, since that's so important.

But I also get the idea that she's sort of getting impatient, like she wants me to just go ahead and do what I want without her having to tell me. Is that possible?

 

[FungiUg]

But I also get the idea that she's sort of getting impatient, like she wants me to just go ahead and do what I want without her having to tell me. Is that possible?

Very. It's not an uncommon thing with new submissives. Basically, the fantasy is having power taken from them -- so they don't have to think or talk about it, it just happens.

Unfortunately, unless you are a mind reader, it's way too easy to get things wrong if you do that. So she does have to some input.

A compromise is to start "ordering" her to do things you know are "safe". Things you have already done, but now you will control them. Or things you HAVE talked about doing.

At that point, you can start setting the pace. You can REQUIRE her to tell you her fantasies. Either as a humiliation scene or a confession scene.

There are ways... Remember, half the fun is playing with her mind!

 

[NCShin]

But I also get the idea that she's sort of getting impatient, like she wants me to just go ahead and do what I want without her having to tell me. Is that possible?

I have a very similar situation to this. I've posted before about this so if you search on my posts you might find some more answers.

The woman that I am with finds it nearly impossible to express what she does or doesn't want sexually for a number of reasons.

One is pure shyness. She is just too shy to look me in the eye (or even at my feet for that matter) and say "i want this" she just can't do it.

Another is that I think she honestly just doesn't know what she wants. She just doesn't have the experience to think, even to herself, that she's done "this" but wants to do "that". It's a difficult situation even for her I think.

Next reason with us, is that her culture (japanese) is soooo....closed. You just don't speak of such things there. So even if she was able to get over her own shyness, there would still be a cultural block for her to overcome.

What I've tried to do is do everything very very lightly. If I wanted to tie her up, I'd do so very loosely. If I wanted to spank her I did so very lightly.

Once I can gauge her reaction to them, the next time I know I can do them harder or tighter than I did the last time.

Good luck

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Wow.. I didn't really expect such a large broadening of spectrum. But It's giveing me more ideas and abit more confidence to know I'm not the only one wrestleing withemotions and a sense of shyness. Which I have come to realize seems to be a large part of my uncertainty..

If I'm jokeing around and such i have little qualms about talking dirty or saying what would be considered "crude" use of language but in the bedroom I have a hard time of putting my desires into words, which I know frustrates him. But I can't seem to step out of my habits. And being "polite" Just doesn't explaine what I want. and maybe I'm just not sure of what I "want".. I certaintly know what interests me.. but alot of it I've never experimented with.

The mentioning of starting a journal is an interesting Idea. I already have one I use for venting my frustrations online for whan I can't talk to people's faces or I need to really sit and think of something.. so I type it out then re-read it and get a better grasp of things... So how could writeing a journal for myself expressing my desires but much less useful?... Something to certaintly try.

Eep absently mind wanderings..

But I have a few ideas for Valentines day..

 

[Arles]

Very. It's not an uncommon thing with new submissives. Basically, the fantasy is having power taken from them -- so they don't have to think or talk about it, it just happens.

Unfortunately, unless you are a mind reader, it's way too easy to get things wrong if you do that. So she does have to some input.

A compromise is to start "ordering" her to do things you know are "safe". Things you have already done, but now you will control them. Or things you HAVE talked about doing.

At that point, you can start setting the pace. You can REQUIRE her to tell you her fantasies. Either as a humiliation scene or a confession scene.

There are ways... Remember, half the fun is playing with her mind!

Just wanted to say thanks again for the feedback. Your suggestion about ordering her to do things I knew were 'safe' was VERY helpful! My god! It's hard to describe, but I tried it out, and it was like I'd pushed some magic button the way she responded. I think--no, I KNOW--she was as surprised as I was, and even though we're still taking it slowly, things have picked up quite a bit in the last couple of weeks and she's starting to open up more about things she wants, what she thinks her limits are, and so forth.

Anyway, thanks again.