Dom/sub Advice

[JavaBlack]

I'm writing what I'm describing as a "loving D/s" story. The couple love each other, not IN love, at least not yet.

I'm looking for ideas for their activities. No whips and chains, no cock cages. So far I have orgasm denial, some CFNM, some mild humiliation (going to a club, she only slow dances with other men).

This isn't my area, I want to show proper respect to the genre, and would welcome any guidance/advice anyone would care to share.

 

[SimonDoom]

I'm writing what I'm describing as a "loving D/s" story. The couple love each other, not IN love, at least not yet.

I'm looking for ideas for their activities. No whips and chains, no cock cages. So far I have orgasm denial, some CFNM, some mild humiliation (going to a club, she only slow dances with other men).

This isn't my area, I want to show proper respect to the genre, and would welcome any guidance/advice anyone would care to share.

My two cents: It's less important exactly what they do, than that your story depict the process of power exchange in the context of courtship or early love.

Think first about who your characters are, and what their familiarity is with BDSM. That will have a lot to do with it.

My only BDSM story so far is a BDSM-light/romance story. Neither character was familiar with BDSM but they got involved in a relationship. It did well. The key is to think through who your characters are, what their situation is, and what it's likely that such characters would do.

 

[Kitty_Skiz]

... deleted ... sorry.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I'm writing what I'm describing as a "loving D/s" story. The couple love each other, not IN love, at least not yet.

I'm looking for ideas for their activities. No whips and chains, no cock cages. So far I have orgasm denial, some CFNM, some mild humiliation (going to a club, she only slow dances with other men).

This isn't my area, I want to show proper respect to the genre, and would welcome any guidance/advice anyone would care to share.

I've written a bunch of BDSM stories which feature a male dominant. Most of them have been pretty well received. I'd say the dynamic with a female dominant wouldn't be THAT much different. There's a link to my stories in my signature, if you can see that. If you read anything that raises more questions than answers, feel free to PM me.

With all that being said -- to show respect to the dynamic, make it clear that whoever is the sub in your stories is getting as much out of the power exchange as the Dom is. The way that a lot of these stories go awry (including some of mine) is when it seems like the D person is just doing a bunch of shitty stuff and getting off on it regardless of whether the s person enjoys it, too. Have something that demonstrates to the readers what it is about the power exchange that the s person likes, as much as what the D person likes.

so you'll need to know your characters' motivations for engaging in this kind of relationship, rather than a more vanilla kind. Does your s person like serving their D person? Or does your s person like being coerced into things and feeling like they don't have any control? Do they like pain, specifically? or humiliation? or degradation? etc. If you can tap into an explanation of that, then you'll run a better chance of your readers believing the dynamic and going along with it.

My other piece of advice is find a way to demonstrate care and concern on the D person's part. Whether it's how they touch the s person, talk to the s person, or whether it's the backstory you weave into the current action. If it's two people who are just starting a relationship, spelling out (or at least sketching out) a conversation around boundaries and limits will also help show that you understand the dynamic. You don't have to go into spelling out safewords and such, but at least show good communication.

I can't give you specific ideas for activities, because almost anything can get turned into a power exchange. It could be a simple as they go to dinner and the D person does all the ordering and the s person has to eat it regardless of whether that's what they wanted. It could be giving a massage or wearing a certain outfit. It certainly doesn't need to go anywhere near whips, chains, or cock cages.

Hope this helps some, and like I said, feel free to PM if you want.

 

[JavaBlack]

Thanks, that helps a lot.
I think I've done some of what you suggest, I'll take a look at your stories.
Thanks again.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm writing what I'm describing as a "loving D/s" story. The couple love each other, not IN love, at least not yet.

I'm looking for ideas for their activities. No whips and chains, no cock cages. So far I have orgasm denial, some CFNM, some mild humiliation (going to a club, she only slow dances with other men).

This isn't my area, I want to show proper respect to the genre, and would welcome any guidance/advice anyone would care to share.

"The genre" covers a pretty wide range of things, and different readers have different tastes, so best to start on the assumption that you're not going to please anybody. In particular, some readers seem to be hostile to femdom stories and anything hinting of cuckoldry, so don't take it personally if you get flak from the fragile masculinity poster boys.

Some possibilities to consider:

- non-sexual service: maybe sometimes she just wants somebody to fetch her a drink, rub her feet, paint her nails, and then leave her in peace with a good book?

- improvisation with household supplies (clothespegs, spatulas, clingfilm... the possibilities are endless)

- roleplaying

- body worship

I plug this one a lot, but Stjepan Sejic's "Sunstone" is really good for capturing the vibe (hur hur) of an affectionate BDSM relationship.

 

[Jada59]

For me it's more of a pleasure/pain thing and of course trust. You don't have to go as far as chains but being tied up with silk scarves is nice. Tied loosely so the restraint is more symbolic than anything. But what will come next? Pleasure? Pain? But no fear because there is complete trust. Knowing that what comes next will be good!

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Some of the more subtle nuances - she must always wear her hair up in the presence of others as only he may enjoy her with her hair down. The hair up can also be a nod to bondage. He orders her food and drink without her consideration (but a good Dom would know her preferences). Alcohol is permitted only with approval.

If you really want to capture the essence of a true loving D/s dynamic you have to be sure to show how she benefits. He institutes a routine like mandatory bedtime so she gets sufficient sleep. He draws her a bath and washes her hair if you use humiliation earlier. No one jumps right into power exchange, especially not lovingly or lasting more than six months. Each side has to benefit.

 

[JavaBlack]

"The genre" covers a pretty wide range of things, and different readers have different tastes, so best to start on the assumption that you're not going to please anybody. In particular, some readers seem to be hostile to femdom stories and anything hinting of cuckoldry, so don't take it personally if you get flak from the fragile masculinity poster boys.

Some possibilities to consider:

- non-sexual service: maybe sometimes she just wants somebody to fetch her a drink, rub her feet, paint her nails, and then leave her in peace with a good book?

- improvisation with household supplies (clothespegs, spatulas, clingfilm... the possibilities are endless)

- roleplaying

- body worship

I plug this one a lot, but Stjepan Sejic's "Sunstone" is really good for capturing the vibe (hur hur) of an affectionate BDSM relationship.

Oh, believe me I KNOW I'm not going to please everyone, but as someone who knows nothing about the lifestyle I don't want to say something that is just WRONG. Maybe that's an irrational fear. As I write this, I think of the gun experts who criticize a story because it refers to a clip instead of a magazine, or vice versa, when it makes no difference to the story, and are rightly told to get a life! As long as I don't go off the deep end I should probably just go where the story takes me.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Some of the more subtle nuances - she must always wear her hair up in the presence of others as only he may enjoy her with her hair down. The hair up can also be a nod to bondage. He orders her food and drink without her consideration (but a good Dom would know her preferences). Alcohol is permitted only with approval.

If you really want to capture the essence of a true loving D/s dynamic you have to be sure to show how she benefits. He institutes a routine like mandatory bedtime so she gets sufficient sleep. He draws her a bath and washes her hair if you use humiliation earlier. No one jumps right into power exchange, especially not lovingly or lasting more than six months. Each side has to benefit.

From what OP wrote, I don't think "he" is the dominant here. How would you adapt these suggestions to a fdom/msub scenario?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Oh, believe me I KNOW I'm not going to please everyone, but as someone who knows nothing about the lifestyle I don't want to say something that is just WRONG. Maybe that's an irrational fear. As I write this, I think of the gun experts who criticize a story because it refers to a clip instead of a magazine, or vice versa, when it makes no difference to the story, and are rightly told to get a life! As long as I don't go off the deep end I should probably just go where the story takes me.

Safety and consent are probably the areas to watch out for, then; beyond that, "go where the story takes you" should be fine.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Oh, believe me I KNOW I'm not going to please everyone, but as someone who knows nothing about the lifestyle I don't want to say something that is just WRONG. Maybe that's an irrational fear.

I think it is an irrational fear. It's not hard to get an idiot's guide to most kinks these days. Just spend time in any capable search engine, and it won't take too long to pick up the basic themes and ranges of behaviour (and paraphernalia) for your kink of choice.

If you can't find "the BDSM quiz" in two minutes, for example, you're not using the most elementary search terms. When you do, do the quiz for fun, to see "what you are." You might surprise yourself .

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I think it is an irrational fear. It's not hard to get an idiot's guide to most kinks these days. Just spend time in any capable search engine, and it won't take too long to pick up the basic themes and ranges of behaviour (and paraphernalia) for your kink of choice.

If you can't find "the BDSM quiz" in two minutes, for example, you're not using the most elementary search terms. When you do, do the quiz for fun, to see "what you are." You might surprise yourself .

I think it's a fallacy to say that a few minutes of internet searching would save a writer from creating a scenario that might be considered "wrong" by people who practice a kink. Sure you can get the basics, and then write a story that reads like the idiot's guide to the kink. But who wants to read that story? Especially when you're talking about a kink that's a lifestyle for some people and that has a much broader range of elements than a preference for a certain fetish. There's as much wrong and biased information on the internet as there is accurate and respectful information.

The OP started with the assumption that D/s invoved whips and chains (or started with the fear that a story along those lines should include those elements). If all they'd done was use a search engine, they'd get a lot of information to confirm that. It's not true though. By posting here, they've gotten a much more rounded picture of the elements that can go into a story like that.

And taking a BDSM quiz isn't going to help the OP or anyone else craft a good story about that kind of relationship. That's not what those quizzes are for.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There's as much wrong and biased information on the internet as there is accurate and respectful information.

I agree. But if you can't get your bullshit filter running in about five minutes, based on what's immediately out there, then I'd be wondering about that person's ability to do basic research. I did say an idiot's guide .

My take on it is that the bulk of misinformation is perpetuated and recycled by wannabees who claim to be in the scene but are dilettantes dabbling around the edges. You go look in the Lit BDSM forums, for example, and I'm not sure there's much there one could rely on. My reference to the "BDSM quiz" was a bit tongue in cheek - it's an example in my mind of over-simplifying, but no different to a Myer-Briggs, sorta kinda useful but take care.

BTW, I'm not suggesting the OP isn't capable of doing sensible research, I'm sure JavaBlack is. My point is, it doesn't take much to go in the right direction and figure out those sites with sensible advice or information versus the junk. It's rare you need to go past page three of any internet search before you start seeing the same themes repeating themselves. It's six degrees of separation, or ask why five times.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think it's a fallacy to say that a few minutes of internet searching would save a writer from creating a scenario that might be considered "wrong" by people who practice a kink. Sure you can get the basics, and then write a story that reads like the idiot's guide to the kink. But who wants to read that story? Especially when you're talking about a kink that's a lifestyle for some people and that has a much broader range of elements than a preference for a certain fetish. There's as much wrong and biased information on the internet as there is accurate and respectful information.

The OP started with the assumption that D/s invoved whips and chains (or started with the fear that a story along those lines should include those elements). If all they'd done was use a search engine, they'd get a lot of information to confirm that. It's not true though. By posting here, they've gotten a much more rounded picture of the elements that can go into a story like that.

And taking a BDSM quiz isn't going to help the OP or anyone else craft a good story about that kind of relationship. That's not what those quizzes are for.

There's a middle ground on this issue. Yes, to write convincingly about the BDSM lifestyle in a story it helps to know something meaningful about it. But, on the other hand, there's no requirement that one's own BDSM fantasy conform to what many practitioners of the lifestyle regard as "correct" BDSM. There's too much of that attitude, and it stifles creativity. Imagination is not limited to reality.

I'm strongly of the view that you should write whatever the hell you want to write and not worry too much about whether your fantasy -- which is as legitimate as anyone else's -- matches the orthodox view of what that fantasy entails.

 

[KimGordon67]

I would actually suggest wandering through some of the threads in the bdsm fora here - both the ones that are more image-based, and the conversational ones. I find Lit a pretty amazing resource for my own thinking, and there's a pretty wide diversity of different d and s 'types' contributing to discussions here. I honestly couldn't think of a better source of inspiration for related fiction.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

But, on the other hand, there's no requirement that one's own BDSM fantasy conform to what many practitioners of the lifestyle regard as "correct" BDSM. There's too much of that attitude, and it stifles creativity. Imagination is not limited to reality.

I absolutely agree that fantasy and imagination being what they are, and author can write whatever they want. But if a straight author attempted to write gay or lesbian erotica, we'd expect the author to be respectful of that sexual orientation or face a barrage of negative comments and 1* votes. I don't see this as being any different.

 

[yukonnights]

I'm writing what I'm describing as a "loving D/s" story. The couple love each other, not IN love, at least not yet.

I'm looking for ideas for their activities. No whips and chains, no cock cages. So far I have orgasm denial, some CFNM, some mild humiliation (going to a club, she only slow dances with other men).

This isn't my area, I want to show proper respect to the genre, and would welcome any guidance/advice anyone would care to share.

My experience is that BDSM aficionados can be very protective of their kink (especially about consent - which is important only for the more extreme practices IMO). Dominant and submissive is not BDSM, it's a human trait we all share — each of us unique on where we land.

For what it's worth, I've got a similar 'gentle femdom/gentle D/s' story pending for the Valentine Day contest. While it has some of the D/s elements found in actual BDSM, I do not see it as a BDSM centered story. I think this is what needs to be considered — which implies that Category placement may be more important than details about BDSM knowledge and perfect descriptions of practices. A non-BDSM story placed in the BDSM category is going to suffer if the reader is expecting a BDSM story.

So; consider your title, the description blurb and the category. Play on the strengths of the story, whatever they may be. If it's a couple, maybe Erotic Couplings. Mine's is some gentle femdom by more than one female, so it's in Group. If I've misunderstood your story intent and it is BDSM — ignore this