Dom/me wannabe's and their lack of insight

[pandoravampire]

Im talking about various people i have met on line, or whilst out, who'm claim to be a Dom/me yet behave like your evolutionary unequal.
Its a annoying factor to be catagorised as sub, simply because your female, annoying, but statistically correct i guess. What i find far more difficult is the arrogance of some dom/mes who expect deference from me?
I have no problem being polite to anyone, why is it, that these people cant?
I met two Dom/mes this weekend socially, not in a play situation. One was curteous, polite, an excellent host and unassuming. The other invaded my personal body space, my eye contact was sought constantly, and all the time playing suggestively with his whip. With more costume than consume.
What i find amazing, is the complete lack of insight, the latter had into his effect on me, and any other potential partner. His expectation that i should want to be dominated at all, let alone by him was insulting. Not if he were the last person on earth would i.
Now, he may well of been a really nice person, but his social skill deficits/excesses were seriously impeding his likely success with anyone.
And why is there an assumption that a sub will sub for anyone?
Thats not my understanding, but i could be wrong. My very subjective knowledge tells me that subbing is a earned respect.
Do any of you who are submissives accomodate any dom/me like some pavlov dog? Because this seemed to be this Dom's view. And this assumption can be seen in chat rooms-frequently.
How do other people feel when approached unsolicited by a Dom/me with a suitcase of assumptions about you?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Heh... ever watch a cat catch and play with a bug? In the end they always squish it.
Seriously though, I dont think its wrong to put a person like that in their place. If you are made to feel uncomfortable (in a bad way) you have a right to express that...submissive or not you are still a human being who deserves respect. Hey maybe some submissive women get off on being treated that way. I might if the person was someone i was attracted to, but if you dont like it say so. *shrug* I always do.

 

[graceanne]

I agree. I only sub to my hubby, and people like that just piss me off. I generally end up standing by my husband, my hand in his, so that it's obvious I'm with someone. But if he's not there, I just do a 'look up, look down, frown, walk away nose in the air.' Most people will take the hint from that.

 

[NCShin]

I'll make a few speculative comments on this...


First, where were you when you met this guy? It might matter because he just might have been in the mode, if you know what i mean.

I don't have much if any public space experience, but in my limited online adventures I've noticed that some submissives look for, want/need/expect that "always on" dominant. Others, who may be more like you, want a vanilla type of conversation and more of a warming up phase.

So I think it's more of a "You can't please all of the people all of the time" kinda thing. What you hate, another submissive will love.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I give respect to Dom/mes the same as I do most people, but I will not bow, scrape and grovel unless it is specifically something my Master orders me to. So far the opportunity has not been present much as we don't socialise as a rule, but I also would be surprised if it were something he would ordinarily want. Even before I had a Master, I did not treat Dominants any differently to anyone else....if I had I would have been pretending and that is not my style.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

If someone encroached on my territory (M) like that, not only would they become the biggest joke in our personal repetoire for a while, but they'd get such a dressing down from me they'd never want to look me in the eye again. The funniest part about buffoons like this is they often claim an association to "old guard" lineage, while displaying manners that the old guard groupings would have found atrocious.

 

[pandoravampire]

I was in a nightclub that was hosting a fetish/leather night for the Melbourne leather festival.
He was arrogant. A difficult quality to pull off at the best of times, when stood amoungst other Dom/mes, a foolish error of judgement.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

It might matter because he just might have been in the mode, if you know what i mean.

Mode, or no, this ain't the movies, and a PYL usually can't pull off Rambo with any degree of success.

... in ... online adventures I've noticed that some submissives look for, want/need/expect that "always on" dominant.

True ... to a point. In the online venue, you get neither tone of voice, nor body language cues. Blatantly obvious has merit, but usually in hindsight. For me, the hunt holds just as much value as the climax.

He was arrogant. A difficult quality to pull off at the best of times, when stood amoungst other Dom/mes, a foolish error of judgement.

Chuckling ... it's only arrogant if the person in question can't back it up, but that's a whole different subject.

i'd rather stick with "you'll never see it coming."

 

[rosco rathbone]

I've been thinking about all of this false domination business.

Natually, we dominants like to tell ourselves "Oh, we are not clowns"---meanwhile, we think of every competitor "what a bozo".

And we submissives like to tell ourselves "we are people of taste, we'd never give the gift of our submission to someone like THAT."

Really, though, who is to say that one person's pushy false dominant isn't someone else's dreamboat?

What I've come to believe is that, the desire to be a dominate is the key factor.

Thus; while many people at this site, for instance, give me hives with their clownish ways, I don't doubt the solidity of their internal motivations for a second.

 

[Netzach]

Who said anything about false?

I just was talking about lame, in my book.

But I agree with you, I find that most couples in my community are ideally suited to one another, and that people do tend to attract similar motivations and maturity levels and drives, and that's all good.

I'm with you in definitions land.

"She's a dominant, yeah, a dominant asshole, but still dominant."

 

[MissTaken]

I've been thinking about all of this false domination business.

Natually, we dominants like to tell ourselves "Oh, we are not clowns"---meanwhile, we think of every competitor "what a bozo".

And we submissives like to tell ourselves "we are people of taste, we'd never give the gift of our submission to someone like THAT."

Really, though, who is to say that one person's pushy false dominant isn't someone else's dreamboat?

What I've come to believe is that, the desire to be a dominate is the key factor.

Thus; while many people at this site, for instance, give me hives with their clownish ways, I don't doubt the solidity of their internal motivations for a second.

This is a good post and worth repeating.



I show respect for everyone, regardless of their "role" when engaged in their intimate relationships.

Geesh, when I was living vanilla, I treated everyone with respect then, but didn't give deference to the guy with the biggest penis or the gal who got on top, once in awhile. (Or choose your source of pride or poison!) Why? Because I didn't know, didn't care and it was none of my business.

However, in the BDSM lifestyle, certain of our proclivities are identified by how we conduct ourselves, labels etc. But to assume any special treatment without there being some sort of a prearranged understanding, is assuming a bit too much.

Now, if I am scening, playing or at a function in which there is an understanding of formality, yeah, then, the sort of respect you describe may be shown, whether or not it is felt.

I am polite that way.

 

[graceanne]

I'm always polite, unless the person won't accept politeness. If I have to be rude to get a point across, I will.

 

[Bandit58]

Im talking about various people i have met on line, or whilst out, who'm claim to be a Dom/me yet behave like your evolutionary unequal.
Its a annoying factor to be catagorised as sub, simply because your female, annoying, but statistically correct i guess. What i find far more difficult is the arrogance of some dom/mes who expect deference from me?
I have no problem being polite to anyone, why is it, that these people cant?
I met two Dom/mes this weekend socially, not in a play situation. One was curteous, polite, an excellent host and unassuming. The other invaded my personal body space, my eye contact was sought constantly, and all the time playing suggestively with his whip. With more costume than consume.
What i find amazing, is the complete lack of insight, the latter had into his effect on me, and any other potential partner. His expectation that i should want to be dominated at all, let alone by him was insulting. Not if he were the last person on earth would i.
Now, he may well of been a really nice person, but his social skill deficits/excesses were seriously impeding his likely success with anyone.
And why is there an assumption that a sub will sub for anyone?
Thats not my understanding, but i could be wrong. My very subjective knowledge tells me that subbing is a earned respect.
Do any of you who are submissives accomodate any dom/me like some pavlov dog? Because this seemed to be this Dom's view. And this assumption can be seen in chat rooms-frequently.
How do other people feel when approached unsolicited by a Dom/me with a suitcase of assumptions about you?

I haven't had much r/l interaction with other Doms, but have chatted online with a couple, one in a 3 way convo with his sub (a friend of mine, I have met her but not him). He was polite and friendly and didn't expect me to call him Sir The other made me a little uncomfortable.......not anything he said outright but the hairs on my neck were prickling and I excused myself from the conversation and deleted him from my MSN.

I am submissive to One only. I do not have the inclination to submit to just anyone who "waves a big stick" and sees my submission as their due, online or off. I am polite, as graceanne says, but not willing to suffer fools gladly

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm with Rosco on this one too. It was a very good observation.

 

[WriterDom]

What I've come to believe is that, the desire to be a dominate is the key factor.

Thus; while many people at this site, for instance, give me hives with their clownish ways, I don't doubt the solidity of their internal motivations for a second.

I had a college professor who researched what made a successful business manager. He found the desire to manage to be the most important factor.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Have to say I agree with the majority opinion here (all right! Stop pretending to faint!).

I don't expect every pyl I run into to fawn over me and serve me as if I were the Second Coming. I've been known to empty an ashtray or offer to get a drink for pyls. I address them politely and respectfully, even if they're not mine. I don't even think about playing with someone else's claimed pyl, and would only address the subject with an unclaimed pyl who has given me reason to think she would welcome the attention.

I try to treat with respect anyone who has not demonstrated that they're not worthy of respect, and to be polite even to those. However, if they make it impossible for me to politely ignore them, I have no hesitation in making it clear that they're not, nor ever going to be, among those with whom I care to interact - clearly, in words of two syllables or less, for they generally fail to understand anything more complex. It's seldom that I have to get downright rude. Usually, a simple statement such as, "I don't care to talk to you - now or ever," delivered in a clear and somewhat carrying voice, will send them packing.

Yanno, the really sad part about this thread is that those who most need to hear about this subject are probably not smart enough to be here to read it.

 

[SweetDommes]

I'm pretty much in agreement with everyone else - not only do we not demand or expect all people who claim to be submissive to scrape, grovel and serve us unquestioningly simply because we are Dominant, we tell people who try to do so to take it elsewhere - it's annoying to us, and subs/slaves who do this invade *our* personal space like the Dom described in the original post did to pandora.

Miss Karen
Miss Holly

 

[TaintedB]

I don't know... I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against the flow because I believe that the _desire_ to do something does not automatically confer the _ability_ to do it, and this certainly holds true for dominance, which requires just a little bit more skill and ability than, say, putting a stick in a hole. I've just known too many single sub girlfriends I guess, who when they met in person with people who expressed extreme intense _desire_ to dominate them, ended up not being dominated at all. The person just didn't know what to do, or how to do it, or how to do it to _her_ perhaps, even though she was willing and eager to be dominated. One fellow tied a woman to his table (by her ankle, she sat on the floor), and then just spent this weekend they had planned for hot sex, talking to her about vanilla matters. This is a fellow who presents himself as a Really Big Dominant Guy in his local area and in the online communities. Every time she hinted that she'd like to move on to something more difficult and sexy, he'd change the subject. Another fellow came to a different friend's apartment for a weekend and spent it, their first weekend together, lying on her couch reading. He got annoyed and said mean things to her when he was interrupted, even for meals. I've heard plenty more stories like that. It happens over and over to some sub friends friends, not at all to others, occasionally to others. Often it happens to submissives I know who get into long-term relationships; their now live-in "dominant" over a period of a few months, just slowly loses interest in dominating her in real life and, much to her horror and sorrow, goes back to cyber-domination of online chicks. What's _that_ all about? Actually, I know what it's about, sigh, those are boys who want the fantasy and not the reality. Dominating someone for real, all the time, is very hard work. But it's the "first meeting and nothing" doms who fascinate me. Why arrange to have a hot sexy weekend with a woman and then just flop, do nothing at all to her? It didn't seem to be a case of chemistry mis-match, as in each case that I know of the submissive was the one who, after trying as hard as she could to have the kind of weekend they had both anticipated, had to cut the meeting short. Even in that area, the supposed "dominant" was totally passive. :/

Taint

 

[TaintedB]

I don't know... I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against the flow because I believe that the _desire_ to do something does not automatically confer the _ability_ to do it, and this certainly holds true for dominance, which requires just a little bit more skill and ability than, say, putting a stick in a hole. I've just known too many single sub girlfriends I guess, who when they met in person with people who expressed extreme intense _desire_ to dominate them, ended up not being dominated at all. The person just didn't know what to do, or how to do it, or how to do it to _her_ perhaps, even though she was willing and eager to be dominated. One fellow tied a woman to his table (by her ankle, she sat on the floor), and then just spent this weekend they had planned for hot sex, talking to her about vanilla matters. This is a fellow who presents himself as a Really Big Dominant Guy in his local area and in the online communities. Every time she hinted that she'd like to move on to something more difficult and sexy, he'd change the subject. Another fellow came to a different friend's apartment for a weekend and spent it, their first weekend together, lying on her couch reading. He got annoyed and said mean things to her when he was interrupted, even for meals. I've heard plenty more stories like that. It happens over and over to some sub friends friends, not at all to others, occasionally to others. Often it happens to submissives I know who get into long-term relationships; their now live-in "dominant" over a period of a few months, just slowly loses interest in dominating her in real life and, much to her horror and sorrow, goes back to cyber-domination of online chicks. What's _that_ all about? Actually, I know what it's about, sigh, those are boys who want the fantasy and not the reality. Dominating someone for real, all the time, is very hard work. But it's the "first meeting and nothing" doms who fascinate me. Why arrange to have a hot sexy weekend with a woman and then just flop, do nothing at all to her? It didn't seem to be a case of chemistry mis-match, as in each case that I know of the submissive was the one who, after trying as hard as she could to have the kind of weekend they had both anticipated, had to cut the meeting short. Even in that area, the supposed "dominant" was totally passive. :/

Taint

 

[MissTaken]

I don't know... I'm afraid I'm going to have to go against the flow because I believe that the _desire_ to do something does not automatically confer the _ability_ to do it, and this certainly holds true for dominance, which requires just a little bit more skill and ability than, say, putting a stick in a hole.

*snip*

But it's the "first meeting and nothing" doms who fascinate me. Why arrange to have a hot sexy weekend with a woman and then just flop, do nothing at all to her? It didn't seem to be a case of chemistry mis-match, as in each case that I know of the submissive was the one who, after trying as hard as she could to have the kind of weekend they had both anticipated, had to cut the meeting short. Even in that area, the supposed "dominant" was totally passive. :/

Taint

Some wonderful observations here.

Would anyone care to discuss?

 

[Betticus]

It happens I guess. I'm pretty much the same here as in real life though but I can see that people would become enamoured of the lifestyle and idealize it.

It's a bit glamourous and has a hint of danger and fun and is sexy. It's been idealized in movies and books. Not surprising that people will join up like it's some kind of club. Put on some leather and buy a whip and bitches will fall at your manly feet.

You can buy all the props you want but there is no faking the self confidence and naturally dominant personality traits.

What was the question?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

What was the question?

Entirely tongue in cheek ...i dunno ... didja hear something squeak?

 

[SweetDommes]

Some wonderful observations here.

Would anyone care to discuss?

There are players and posers in every version of every lifestyle - the ones mentioned by Tainted are good examples ... "doms" who claim the title simply because they are lazy bums. There are "subs" who do similar things though - one of our potentials ... was great online, and the first few times we got together, and then he just ... stopped. Slowly but surely, he started refusing to do anything - he even refused to sub in the bedroom a few times ... (he didn't get anything when he tried that though ... so he quit refusing that).

What can I say ... some people just suck - no matter what they claim to be.

 

[pandoravampire]

Having just spent half a weekend with someone who used to be dom, and having him pretty much arrive with Jet lag, exhaustion, in a really bad head space, incapable of domming a ant. Due to immense respect for him built up over the years, that was fine. It would of been a disaster to of played.
Yet another presumed sub session for me, where i get to domme for another. (this is getting to be too common for my liking? Im clearly doing something wrong here!)
But completely humiliating as i repacked my suitcase whilst he's out of the room for 10mins, so that if he peeked in, he'd not see that i came 'equiped'.
Today, after a good few hrs sleep in my own bed.....alone, im older wiser, and considering the Marquis suggestion of using this particular rejection to fuel my need?. But, displacement is something i would steer away from, seems a little disrespectful.

I think i would treat others the way i would wish to be treated. And respect is a fundemental.

Mind you, i guess if i look on my chaste bedroom floor (id changed the bloody sheets too!) ive two new pairs of shoes that ive wanted for ages, told myself that the only place i could wear them is in bed, but after yesterday? Yeah, i displaced my feelings into retail therapy. "because im soooooo worth it!" - "Next!)

but even in this hour of need, the idiot with the whip still looks like a buffoon.

Lessons learnt this weekend: do not count your chickens before they've hatched, always carry your toys in a separtate, no see through bag!

 

[Betticus]

Entirely tongue in cheek ...i dunno ... didja hear something squeak?

I got distracted by something shiny.

I don't know about the rest of the group but I don't think I'd spank on the first date.

I still have to go to New York and get my spanking lessons from Luna though.

I'm starting to see more activity in my area. There is a bdsm club in El Paso but I can't find their website. I've recently been in contact with a couple that is trying to establish a club here in Las Cruces just this week but with my work schedule it's tough to meet them. Supposed to get together for coffee next weekend.

Shit. I think I just hijacked this thread. I better stop and take this up in the chat area.