Dom Dilemma: The Love of my Life has a Life of His Own

[PrincessKate0712]

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[MeekMe]

I am a very emotional person and an equally emotional submissive. My feelings have grown for my Dom and I'm afraid we won't be able to continue our current dynamic. I I love him, I would go as far to say I'm in love with him. I can see my life with him more than just as a live in sub - we have talked about this some, but nothing concrete.

What is your current dynamic and what do you want it to be? Are you just play partners and you're hoping for a full relationship?

However, recently my Dom has been saying to me "Can't you take care of yourself tonight?" To be honest, as much as I understand that he has a life outside of me, I'm really hurt when he says this to me and end up in tears. I don't think he does this on purpose or perhaps I should just ask him to say it differently (being taken care off is such a trigger for me and something I would say is even more important than being controlled.)

Have you told him that this upsets you? He won't know unless you tell him. D-types can't read minds as much as we'd like them to. Also, what prompts him to react like that? I think that's a rather strange thing to say.

While my Dom and I are a part we try to talk and play almost every day and I try my hardest to please him - I find it really hard to ask him to do things outside of tasks and permission to orgasm. (He has never been one for aftercare - as if I'm expected to do it myself.) I'm not a confrontational person, typically very passive, and I'm terrified to question his wants and authority. How do I bring it up that I need my needs met too?

How did you negotiate at the beginning? Did you both talk about your wants/needs/limits and both agree on them?

I'm curious on why you feel terrified at questioning his wants and authority. Are you indulging his desires while being uncomfortable with those things? If that's the case, talking to him about this is extremely important. What you want and need is also important. It's a power exchange relationship, it's not much of an exchange if you aren't getting anything out of it.

I suggest you ask for a sit down for an honest discussion about these things. If you have a difficult time with talking, you can try writing some bullet points of topics you want to cover and follow your list. Try writing him a letter, or even send him an e-mail if you need to. Whatever makes it easier for you to voice these things, do it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Your first posts in the Personals Forum was on 11/14/14. Is the relationship you're talking about, only a few months old? Is it online or in person?

It is difficult to say this without sounding overly harsh, but adults need to know they are in relationships with adults. (Even if there is an element of age or pet play involved.) And a lover saying "Can't you take care of yourself tonight?" makes me wonder if both of you are pulling your weight, equally.

Do you have a life outside of him? If you don't, I highly suggest developing one. It will do you good, your lover good, and your relationship good.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm not sure if I read you right but as I understood it, you want him to take care of you every night?
Depending on what taking care of means to the two of you, that can be more or less sustainable in the long run.
Perhaps you could try to find some minimum routine (and I would make it really minimal), that makes you feel cared for and that is doable most every day for him? Then you could do more elaborate stuff when he has the time and feels like it.

You also wanted more aftercare, I think?
That's one of those preference things. Some like/want/need it and for others it ruins the experience. That's why it can become a real compatibility issue, but if you talk about it you might find some kind of golden medium or reasonable compromise. He might just not have thought about it.
Either way I don't think there is any way arount talking to him about these issues.

As for how you talk about it, the usual relationship talk recommendations apply:
Don't use "You always/never..." and do use "I feel/think it would be good if...".
Don't bring it up in the situation or when someone is tired, hungry, in a hurry etc.
You know the drill from tons of books and articles probably.

 

[SovereignShe]

I'm uncertain of your current dynamic. I do know that sustaining any relationship, let alone tossing in the D/s aspect, is a lot of work. Have you made a commitment to one another? Or do you want a commitment and he doesn't?

Also, I can understand how hurtful that would be to hear from your Dom. To hear someone say, "Take care of yourself tonight." To me is the equivalent to..."I can't be bothered by you tonight and your needs don't concern me." If your relationship is on loosely based terms and it's something you both agreed upon, you both need to recognize the boundaries.

 

[SovereignShe]

Your first posts in the Personals Forum was on 11/14/14. Is the relationship you're talking about, only a few months old? Is it online or in person?

It is difficult to say this without sounding overly harsh, but adults need to know they are in relationships with adults. (Even if there is an element of age or pet play involved.) And a lover saying "Can't you take care of yourself tonight?" makes me wonder if both of you are pulling your weight, equally.

Do you have a life outside of him? If you don't, I highly suggest developing one. It will do you good, your lover good, and your relationship good.

The posting above is perfection.