Dom characteristics

[Kittyscave]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

 

[Payun]

From my point of view a Dom is someone who makes you submit, be it through his/hers looks, glare, attitude, way of talking or just personality. It is someone who is confident and responsible. It is also someone who you trust 100% and no less, as you will surrender your body to him/her. He/she must be someone you know will not harm you (more than you want to) and who will stop immediately when you reach your limit. You don't want to be tied up next to someone who you're not absolutely certain will not take advantage of you.

As for "tells" I don't really know if there are any. There are people who don't inspire too much confidence in everyday life but who are monsters in the bedroom (quite a lot in fact). Many people are Doms because in their everyday life they are treated poorly.

So I guess you just have to meet someone, be honest about your fantasies once you know them well enough and hope for the best.

 

[amofiga]

Kitty!!

The one response you got is a good one. Most important is confidence and trust. A Dom is NOT someone abusive. A Dom wants to control you but he also treasures you. He's not about to harm you or damage you or abuse you. There are those who think that BDSM is all about pain and being pushed. It isn't always about pain, but it may be about taking you to places you may have been previously afraid to go, but if you trust, if you know that you have someone who will be looking out for you, you need not be afraid.

Some (as I do) believe there is a difference between a dom and a top. In my mind, a dom is a dom 24/7 and a top takes a dominant role in sexual situations. I used to think of myself as a dom but now consider myself more of a "kinkster" who is a top. In many other situations in life, I have like to see women as equals intellectually and professionally and in family decisions. However, it should always be known that in the sexual role, I dominate.

We should talk more.

 

[Payun]

I'm going to take Sunstone's example here: I like to think of pain in a session as spice to exotic cuisine. It is not at all necessary, but it enhances the taste, if the person likes that particular spice.
later edit: yay kudos!

 

[Tech_Director]

Being VERY tongue-in-cheek here

Well, you could always watch out for our "secret" Dom handshake which we greet each other with.

OR - you could ask if their Dom card is up to date

OR - you could ask if they were at the last National Meeting. (Incidentally, there ARE actual National BDSM events.)

Seriously though, there's no real "tells" like in Poker, as to whether someone is Dom or sub but there are signs like how someone holds themselves or, how someone says something, or addresses someone.

I refer to it as D/s radar to be able to tell if someone is involved in the lifestyle and MOSTLY, I've been pretty accurate whenever My radar has been set off.

 

[mewandrer63]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

dull meetings and you look for a casual yet alluring glance, a sneak peek at you wondering if in his mind he is thinking along the same lines as you...is he thinking how he would push you onto the huge table and tear off your blouse exposing your exquisite hard nipples for all the others to see?

 

[Kittyscave]

Thank you all for the thoughtful and insightful responses.

xoxo
K

 

[Lord_Steve]

dull meetings and you look for a casual yet alluring glance, a sneak peek at you wondering if in his mind he is thinking along the same lines as you...is he thinking how he would push you onto the huge table and tear off your blouse exposing your exquisite hard nipples for all the others to see?

in my experience doms aren't desperate and aren't terrible writers. ymmv

 

[rbijon]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

Don't you just love dull meetings, it amazing where the mind may go.
I've been in meeting with a clear glass table top.

Aye, is that dangerous to a man with a pirate mind.....and very pretty girls at the meeting.

 

[kittiGoddess]

Scientific respose

I believe there is some research that has found that DOms smell different. I can't remember the details, just something that I read and retained the relevant portion

 

[Aphro]

I believe there is some research thT have found that DOms smell different. I can't remember the details, just something that I read and retain the relevant portion

I love the scent of domliness in the morning...

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I love the scent of domliness in the morning...

It is a rather comforting smell.

My favorite dom characteristics: calm, articulate, intelligent, and patient.

 

[submit4pleasure]

I believe there is some research that has found that DOms smell different. I can't remember the details, just something that I read and retained the relevant portion

And subs smell like sugar cookies!

 

[LikesToGive]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

Being out in public and not within an actual scene. I am not sure if there are general ways you can bet on that are sure signs in all cases. There are specific things to maybe look for. Confidence is definitely a possible start. As long as it is not too pompous. Sometimes there may be subtle suggestions. Ones which may be sort of suggestive. An experienced Dom knows that taking control starts with slowly intriguing the mind. Not with forceful and furious force.

A few other side notes to perhaps consider. You most likely want someone who is going to take control and not someone who is controlling. He will not need to take anything at all from you. You will instead willingly give all of yourself to him. So patience on his end is important too.

 

[KatKnees]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

I think about this too at times, usually I wonder about the quiet/reserved guys.

 

[SpunThings]

I think about this too at times, usually I wonder about the quiet/reserved guys.

Mine is one of those quiet reserved guys.

I'm much better at ferretting out the reaction junkie sadist types.

 

[Tech_Director]

And subs smell like sugar cookies!

and the REALLY good ones smell like sugar cookies with sprinkles on them!

 

[richard_daily]

Dom characteristics are human characteristics, so they're as wide-ranging and individual as people are.

We come from all walks of life, and all shades and stripes.

Finding out if someone dominant in public is a dance. You have to give off the right signals, the subtle clues, or you can be blunt and just ask someone if they want to do ____ to you.

 

[Mindfondler]

Sorry that I'm late to the party on this one! There are a lot of great comments above, and I'd like to add to them my own take based on a writing that I posted on Fetlife recently, which I've reproduced below.

I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

I hope very much that the answer is no! I can take a wide spectrum of roles in meetings, depending on the context. I don't think I'd be recognised instantly as a Dom, but I don't believe that this disqualifies me from the role.

Here's my Fetlife posting that further explains my perspective:

Am I a Dom? I think so!

I self-identify as a Dom. On the face of it, my evidence doesn't seem strong. I'm a quiet and gentle guy, somewhat shy and not one to push myself forward or sound my own trumpet. I'm prone to episodes of self-doubt, anxiety and introspection. I prefer to negotiate and seek consensus rather than try to impose my will upon others. Why on earth do I consider myself to be a Dom?

Here's why...

Despite my insecurities, my unshakeable core driving force is my belief that I can help people to better themselves. If that sounds arrogant (although I hope that it doesn't) then please consider that I don't want to fix people: I want to enable them to fix themselves. If I had a different career, then I'd probably be a teacher or a counsellor.

Given the opportunity, my natural style with people is to encourage, to nurture and to offer direction where it's lacking. I've been told that I'm good at exerting "soft power", and I prefer to operate in that way, although I'm also capable of providing a strong and assertive lead if I'm given permission to do so.

In the same way that I don't fit the popular perception of a Dom, I couldn't possibly function with the stereotype of a sub as a passive "doormat". I contrast my role as a Dom with that of a sub who is imaginative, communicative, and as likely to be the source of exciting new ideas as me. It's my privilege to take our combined ideas and help to make them a reality.

I'm a BDSM newbie, and I imagine that there are many different types of Dom -- none of which is "right". I believe, though, that I understand what's right for me, and that it has a strong Dom-ish flavour even if I'm not instantly recognisable as such.

I'd be interested to hear constructive reactions to help me on my new journey of self-discovery. Perhaps they might help others too.

 

[NoJo]

Please, humor me on this one. Clearly no group of individuals is entirely homogeneous with regard to personal characteristics.

Yet... I find myself during meetings wondering which men in the room would be most apt to tie me up and take me aggressively.

To keep the wheels spinning, I wondered if there are any subtle Dom "tells" I could look for as my mind drifts in dull meetings.

I'm definitely sexually submissive and I'm arrogant and self-confident. I'm always getting hit on by submissives. Grrr.

I had an interesting conversation with my partner the other day. I really enjoy going down on her, because, I told her, I like to serve my Mistress. She said she likes it because it feels like she's under my control, and the only guys who really like it are sexually dominant. So what the heck, we both think the other's the dom, and we're both getting off on it, so who cares.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't think there are any tells per se. I've met a lot of Doms and Dommes. They are just people, mostly lovely ones, but human just like anyone else. There is no aura that gives them away. They tend to talk to one as if you are a person just the same as them UNLESS and UNTIL you enter into a demo, scene, or relationship with them. Fantasies are lovely too. Continue to enjoy them.

 

[amofiga]

<<<I had an interesting conversation with my partner the other day. I really enjoy going down on her, because, I told her, I like to serve my Mistress. She said she likes it because it feels like she's under my control, and the only guys who really like it are sexually dominant. So what the heck, we both think the other's the dom, and we're both getting off on it, so who cares >>>

Now there are some interesting dynamics going on here for sure. Me, I prefer going down on women because *I* feel in control and not because I want to serve them. It's good if they are bound and helpless and I can tease them and control their orgasm. Your girl likes you going down on her because she feels like you are the dominant one which sort of fits my argument. The bottom line is that in many sexual situations I've had, the "control" can and often does sort of shift. Submissive women I've known will suddenly turn dominant and want to be on top or will start saying things demanding that I fuck them harder or smack their ass. They want to control or top from the submissive role. It's all good and all normal. You had the right idea, just go with the flow and enjoy.

 

[coffeegirl]

My husband is a quiet, nerdy, awkward gamer type (not knocking him, that's totally my type) but ridiculously dominate in bed. He is the absolute last person you'd ever expect to get off on choking his wife

 

[NOIRTRASH]

This is what I notice about me based on how people react to me in real life.

When strangers are looking for the boss I'm the one they go to.

People complain I can get away with anything and act like the rules don't apply to me.

I'm not in awe of anyone, and I say whats on my mind. If I wanna fuck you I'll suggest we fuck, and I've been known to squeeze nipples in the presence of a woman's husband.

A few times men asked me to fuck their wives.

When I did psychotherapy plenty of women got naked, exposed themselves, etc.

It never occurs to me to force a woman to do anything, I simply find I wanna fuck them in the ass or feel their gash or whatever, and guide them to it.

 

[Kittyscave]

Thank you all for these responses.

If nothing else, you have provided me validation that there is no "type" and I am free to fantasize about any of the men in the room in any way I like.

I'll take that!!!