Doggy Doo - Erotic Coupling

[Don K Dyck]

Doggy Delicious - Erotic Coupling

heheheh . . . I have just been published for the first time . . . heheheh . . . and now that I'm glowing all over I would really appreciate any constructive comments that you would like to make here.

The link is DOGGY DELICIOUS

Thanks guys and gals . . .

 

[kristydoll]

Hi,

Quite the intense sex scene you got there *smiles*

Actually, its pretty good. I would suggest a little tightening up and possibly cutting some of those long sentences - I got lost in their length.

ex: His heart nearly stopped as he took in the sensual sight of her willowy torso flowing away down the bed from curvaceous hips raised, thighs widespread and relaxed, her red, wet, slippery cunt just imploring to be stroked and stuffed.

One more thing - I noticed this twice - "crutch" - was that the word you meant?? (I thought you might have meant 'crotch' - but never can tell).

Otherwise...keep writing!

kristy

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Kristy

Hi,

Quite the intense sex scene you got there *smiles*

Actually, its pretty good. I would suggest a little tightening up and possibly cutting some of those long sentences - I got lost in their length.

ex: His heart nearly stopped as he took in the sensual sight of her willowy torso flowing away down the bed from curvaceous hips raised, thighs widespread and relaxed, her red, wet, slippery cunt just imploring to be stroked and stuffed.

One more thing - I noticed this twice - "crutch" - was that the word you meant?? (I thought you might have meant 'crotch' - but never can tell).

Otherwise...keep writing. kristy

Hi Kristy, thanks for dropping by and giving your opinion.

The "crutch" thing is a cultural difference and you correctly identified the meaning as the American spelling "crotch".

Sentence length . . . hmmmmmmm . . . always had trouble with this . . . I find that several short sentences tends to break up the image under creation . . . but you are correct, there has to be a balance between image and readability . . . just gotta find the correct balance, I guess.

Thanks for your comments

Don

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Hi Kristy

Hi Kristy, thanks for dropping by and giving your opinion.

The "crutch" thing is a cultural difference and you correctly identified the meaning as the American spelling "crotch".

Sentence length . . . hmmmmmmm . . . always had trouble with this . . . I find that several short sentences tends to break up the image under creation . . . but you are correct, there has to be a balance between image and readability . . . just gotta find the correct balance, I guess.

Thanks for your comments

Don

Maybe not several short sentences but two mediums.
Ex: His heart nearly stopped as he took in the sensual sight of her willowy torso flowing away down the bed from curvaceous hips. Her thighs were widespread and relaxed, her red, wet, slippery cunt imploring to be stroked and stuffed.

Either way, I love your story Don. Very hot. Just like you.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Hi Kristy

Maybe not several short sentences but two mediums.
Ex: His heart nearly stopped as he took in the sensual sight of her willowy torso flowing away down the bed from curvaceous hips. Her thighs were widespread and relaxed, her red, wet, slippery cunt imploring to be stroked and stuffed.

Either way, I love your story Don. Very hot. Just like you.

Hi Kiki, thanks for dropping by and giving your opinion.

Hmmm . . . I see what you mean . . . the divided structure doiesn't lose sensuality but it becomes less overwhelming in terms of comprehension . . .

Thanks for your comments and kind remarks,

Don

 

[the_bragis]

G'day Don K Dyk,

Well cool the tinnies, but don't warm the set, 'cause you got little sheila feeling hot!

Yes, just like a true blue Aussie male you've jumped right in there, into the sex right from the start!

Seriously though, I agree with kristy doll, that is one very intense sex scene, well done.

I guess the problem I had was, I felt like I had come in too late, as if I had perhaps missed the introduction. Maybe it's just me, but I thought this read like a piece out of a story, rather than a full read. Maybe I just want too much story? Maybe I just want too much sex? Hey, did I mention my father owns a pub?


I wish you well with your future writing,

Have a great day,

Alex (female).

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Bragis . . .

G'day Don K Dyk,

Well cool the tinnies, but don't warm the set, 'cause you got little sheila feeling hot!

Yes, just like a true blue Aussie male you've jumped right in there, into the sex right from the start!

Seriously though, I agree with kristy doll, that is one very intense sex scene, well done.

I guess the problem I had was, I felt like I had come in too late, as if I had perhaps missed the introduction. Maybe it's just me, but I thought this read like a piece out of a story, rather than a full read. Maybe I just want too much story? Maybe I just want too much sex? Hey, did I mention my father owns a pub?

I wish you well with your future writing, Have a great day, Alex (female).

HI Alex, Thanks for dropping by and sharing your opinion . . . that is one stunning av . . .

Hhmmmmm . . . "Jumped into the middle . . . " . . . yes, I s'pose that's correct, the story does start in the middle of an action scene . . .

Maybe it was a bit much of a hit-for-six up front . . . when I was writing this peice I felt that much of the erotica I had read took far too long to get to the interesting bit . . . "Tess of the d'Urbevilles" (Thomas Hardy) takes forever then over four pages you're still not sure if it has happened . . . probably a poor example . . .

Does the "market" expect the classical "Introduction, Build up, Action, Consequences, End" type structure? I don't know . . . much prefer to be original, if possible . . .

A pub in the family, eh? Now that could provide an interesting location for all sorts of fun . . . Can you ever want TOO MUCH sex?? I doubt it . . . but having a partner of similar persuasion is probably important for maximum satisfaction . . . in my limited experience, a properly wooed woman is as insatiable as you can make her . . .

Thanks for your comments and kind remarks,

Don

 

[PaulX35]

Hi Don,

Pretty hot piece for starters, my compliments. You sure know how to write the words down.

My basic criticism is actually that it might do with a bit more of story. Others commented as well that we are kind of dropping right into it. Don't understand me wrong: what we drop into is good, but maybe a touch more literary foreplay would do nicely?

Also, keep a close look at your adjectives and sentence building. Longer isn't always better when it comes to writing!

Good luck with your next efforts.

Paul

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Paul

Hi Paul, Thanks for dropping by and sharing your opinion.

I understand your comments, they are similar to the comments from Alex. The need for erotic foreplay . . . or is that setting before play?? Either way, readers need some sort of framing "around" that the story can fill in with details . . . Hhmmmm . . . I'll have to think further about this one . . .

heheheh . . . long sentences have always been a problem for me . . . I guess I feel that full stops inhibit the flow of "consciousness" or hold-up the story . . . occurs in other writing as well . . . back to the drawing board here, I think . . .

One area that I am finding difficult is describing the aromas of lovemaking . . . when you think to experience them, there is rarely time to describe their exciting, unique features . . . too many other things occurring . . .

Thank you for your comments and kind remarks,

Don

 

[Native Alien]

well, damn, Don...

You do have a way with the words....

Okay, yes you do need to set the scene a little. Maybe a short day dream, a little foreplay, even what got them to the bed in the first place. It is extremely helpful with/for women especially.

as to the aromas, you can use scented oils, lotions, potions, and candles to better explain the scents as a comparison to thing.

please do write more, and I will be telling the others that don't mind being dropped in scene to read it.

 

[PaulX35]

Re: Hi Paul

...One area that I am finding difficult is describing the aromas of lovemaking . . . when you think to experience them, there is rarely time to describe their exciting, unique features . . . too many other things occurring . . .

Don,

I'm with you here, and I never mean oils, perfumes etc when I talk aromas of lovemaking. Scent as in genuine own body scents is a much underrated aspect in erotica, so I'll be closely following your attempts at giving them the place they deserve.

Paul

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Alien and Paul

Hi Alien and Paul, thanks for dropping by and sharing your opinion.

I think I missed out with the framing, Alien . . . I'll take that on board.

This aroma thiing is difficult . . . the problem comes in two parts, firstly, identifying the aromas and secondly, describing them. While I am aware of the aromas, I am generally too busy enjoying them to take time out to attempt describing them . . . perhaps it is like learning about wine tasting . . . try to identify the individual components so that you can tase the blend . . . obviously much more practice is required here . . . heheheh . . . I love research projects like this.

Thank you for your suggestions and kind comments,

Don