Does your active role as Dominant, submissive, switch affect your self esteem /image?

[catalina_francisco]

Do you find living as a Dominant or submissive or switch in an active, or even unattached and looking mode, affects your self esteem, and self image?

If so, in what ways...positively, negatively, somewhere in between?

Do you know what elements impact to substantiate these effects?

In answering, if possible please indicate whether you are Dominant/Domme, submissive, or switch, and if you think relevant, your gender.

I encourage posters to share as little or as much as they feel comfortable with.

Catalina

 

[Goddess Helena]

I do think that being a Domme helps me be more self assured. Having an adoring pet at your feet, begging to please you is always good for the ego and self esteem. I am a confident woman and there are days when I think being a Domme has made difference.

The steely glare comes in handy in meetings.


Helena

 

[Desdemona]

My self image improved dramatically when I finally accepted myself for who I am. Living as a submissive has been a very positive experience for me.

 

[ownedsubgal]

being a submissive, before i knew i was a submissive or had ever heard of D/s, definitely negatively affected my self esteem, and sense of self worth. people were always using me, abusing me, hurting me. i thought something was wrong with me. would ask myself, in tears many nights, why can't i say no to people? why do these things keep happening to me? why am i being raped AGAIN?? it was a constant agony.

but then, i did some serious introspection...i forced myself to look within and find answers to all those questions...and learning that i was a submissive, and that there is nothing wrong or bad about that, answered a great deal for me. and then of course, there was nothing that could have made me feel better about myself, give me more confidence and more of a positive self image, than being immensely loved by someone, and that someone wanting me to be his, forever.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Does your active role as Dominant, submissive, switch affect your self esteem /image?

No.

Do you find living as a Dominant or submissive or switch in an active, or even unattached and looking mode, affects your self esteem, and self image?

If so, in what ways...positively, negatively, somewhere in between?

Do you know what elements impact to substantiate these effects?

In answering, if possible please indicate whether you are Dominant/Domme, submissive, or switch, and if you think relevant, your gender.

I encourage posters to share as little or as much as they feel comfortable with.

Catalina

 

[redelicious]

I have been mulling this all night.

I don't live as a sub but I do consider myself submissive.

Sometime last summer I discovered the BDSM board here on Lit. I did a lot of reading and talking to friends in the lifestyle. At some point I had a moment of clarity where my life really started to make sense.

I may never live as a 24/7 sub and I am learning to accept that. However, I have a much better sense of self than I ever did before.

Ty for the question.

 

[Netzach]

Had moments of cosmic guilt over being D. Like, "maybe I'm a shitty person for liking this as much as I do." I think most D's do, in our darkest hour. Not everyone, but I think a lot of people.

The VAST majority of the time, it's made me happy, balanced, and calm. If it didn't I wouldn't do it, I just find the misgivings intersting.

Conversely,

Had moments of complete and total self-posession after bottoming, feeling completely in command of myself, ironically, completely in control of every little thing that happens to me.

Point being sometimes this plays out the not-so-obvious way, the opposite of how you might immediately assume.

 

[Pure]

If I can ever understand the question, I will post something.
Is a concise translation available for the plebs?

 

[Master_Vassago]

As a Dom it has always helped My self image and confidence. At times it is negative, because I refuse to back down unless others see My point in issues. But I feel much better knowing that dammit I will be heard no matter how trival I think the matter is.

I have almost always had high self confidence and image of Myself but the first time a female submitted to Me and opened herself up completely I knew that I was truly Dom and prepared to learn everything I could in this lifestyle.

When faced with a day to day problem I sometimes sit back and think, alright if I were Domming in this situation how would I handle it. Then I go from there. Normally the instinct as a Dom will guide Me through even when I speak outside the parameters I am supposed to adhere to in My work environment.

SO overall it is very positive for Me.

 

[le_kinklet]

I should really start with telling you i am a very dominant in my real life dealings, my submissiveness is reserved for the ppl in the lifestyle that have earnt my respect. I did try to do the switch at one stage under the guidance of my Mentor, but it was just not me!
So sub i stay, yes trying to be a Dommes was not an easy task, at the time i was questioning why i was giving my Dommes at the time such a hard time, i felt like i was her Dommes, not sub, i could demand any of her, if i wanted to take advatage of that i could have, but i realised what i had and what i needed where 2 different things.
What i had was a relationship that was dominated by a sub, i needed a relationship where the Domme is ruler of me!
Umm thinks i just let go of some drivel, feel free to clarify any thing you don't understand,,, hehehehehe
~*HuGs*~

 

[Etoile]

I think if I were living in a 24/7 TPE type situation, it would affect my self-esteem a lot more than it does currently.

 

[MWG]

My role as a submissive (even though it isn't fulfilled in the flesh as of yet) makes me proud. I'll go into public, see an obviously 'nilla person (like a soccer mom with three kids and a 'Jesus Saves' liscence tag holder) and think, "Ha. I'm a sub and you're not."

<smiles> I love being submissive. For lack of better term, it's like being a child who loves being the center of attention. Any good dominant is very caring and does lavish attention (whether positive or "negative") on His sub. It makes one, at least in my case, feel special.

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: Does your active role as Dominant, submissive, switch affect your self esteem /image?

Do you find living as a Dominant or submissive or switch in an active, or even unattached and looking mode, affects your self esteem, and self image?

If so, in what ways...positively, negatively, somewhere in between?

Catalina

I am a 24/7 submissive female (for those who do not know me.)

When I finally embraced my submissive nature and my MAster assumed control of me, I found my self esteem and slef image increased in many positive ways.

As my Mentor pointed out to me, it takes somebody with a lot of strength to fully submit to another.

 

[Sabine]

Re: Does your active role as Dominant, submissive, switch affect your self esteem /image?

Do you find living as a Dominant or submissive or switch in an active, or even unattached and looking mode, affects your self esteem, and self image?

very much.
I am far more aware of myself and others also.. it has helped make me feel stronger.. much freer and more comfortable with myself.. I've discovered a greater depth of intimacy and learned how to love.. accept.. give in.. let go.. trust.. relax and in general remember that I like myself.

and I am both dominant and submissive.. I have a rather dominant personality.. with females I always dom.. with males I usually try to dom.. but have discovered I am quite the little submissive.. and it seems to fit me better than anything else.

 

[Sabine]

oh and add to that the discovery of pain.. and I have become almost zenlike compared to myself before D/s.

 

[Croctden]

Someone asked about if we view it as roleplaying

I don't believe it particularly effects me. I, nor anyone else as far as I know, have never noticed anything different about me when I am with sub or not. Maybe it strokes my already considerable ego, that's about it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

oh and add to that the discovery of pain.. and I have become almost zenlike compared to myself before D/s.

Sure can relate to what you're saying..LOL

 

[Sabine]

Sure can relate to what you're saying..LOL

 

[one66stang]

This is an excellent question you have asked. As someone said earlier I have mulled this over before attempting to answer it.

I don't believe that it has effected me. I have been a Dominant male for as long as I can remember (grade school). I have since learned that I prefer a submissive woman compared to a more assertive type. I think as you grow and learn yourself more you just basically come into your own. I, in doing so have chosen to only have relationships with submissives. I don't find that to be an ego boost or effect my self-esteem.


What has affected is who I choose for friends and in some cases where I do business.

 

[CavaliereScuro]

Excellent topic for a thread.

My first reaction was to say no, that being a Dominant has no bearing on my levels of self esteem. Then I thought it through a little more and realized that this question is almost like the "which came first, the chicken or the egg" debate.

After further thought I would say that having had a dominant personality all of my life did effect my self esteem in that I always seemed to know what I wanted and was able to get whatever it is I wanted. I just did what needed to be done and didn't worry about failing. That was the case in all aspects of my life, not just relationships. A strong sense of self esteem is behind that and yes, I think the dominant personality helped foster that self esteem.

Once I understood that I didn't just have a dominant personality but that I was also a Dominant, there was a whole new part of me that "woke up" in a manner of speaking. And yes, I think the sell esteem moved to another level.

But now this is just who I am, not something I consciously think about nor do I derive my sense of self from being a Dominant. It just is.

 

[Quint]

I echo CavaliereScuro's point about the chicken and the egg dilemma. It is hard for me to determine if being submissive is the natural outcome (for me) of several self-esteem issues that I never fully dealt with, or if by being submissive, I am facing those issues in what could be both a healthy and a healing manner.

In support of the first position: I recognize the rush that comes from being the cause of another person's pleasure. It's a feeling of assurance that I am a good person, that I did well, that I pleased someone. It is a lot of compensation for years of striving NOT to be a disappointment...or perhaps it's the exact same behavior, repeated in a sexual context. I don't want to fail. I feel like I have to prove myself. Why the hell not be a submissive? It's the ideal role for someone who craves acceptance and praise.

In support of the second: The only thing I really have here is that I'm being honest with myself about what I'm doing and why. I'm coming to terms with the idea that my acts do not determine my worth, and so praise for doing a task well should be taken simply at face value. This is an exercise for me; I want so much to take my worth as what he says it is, which would be the easiest thing for me to do in this sort of relationship, and yet by facing the fact that my worth is my own to determine, create, and own, I am choosing to submit for a sake other than mine. We'll see how it works out.

What a wonderful question. Thank you.