Does this story opening hold you?

[darkride]

Hey all,

Couldn't find a thread where one could post their story opening for any feedback, so thought I'd just create a thread now.

If you started reading this, would you keep going?

-------

After a long day at the office, I walked in the front door hoping to be greeted by the smells of a home cooked meal and the smiling face of my wife. Tossing my man-bag on the half-table in the landing, and slipping my shoes off in favor of my waiting slippers, I could already smell something aromatic coming from the kitchen. I smiled as I walked down the hall and indeed found Kate stirring the contents of the frying pan whilst staring at her phone.

"Hey love," I said to her as I kissed her cheek.

Kate smiled at me without looking up from the pan, or the phone. "Hey you," she replied warmly.

Even though our daughter Stella was now more like a random stranger inhabiting one of our bedrooms than a participant in our family, my wife always cooked enough for her on the odd chance she may happen to come home at dinner time. If not, we had an extra meal for the freezer.

As my wife plated up the food, I grabbed some glasses and poured us both a red. Sitting opposite her at the dining table I couldn't help but thank my lucky stars that this woman had chosen me all those years ago. Neither of us were the fit young twenty-somethings we had been when we met just after college, but she was still the woman of my dreams.

"Oh," Kate casually exclaimed after a mouthful of curry. "I almost forgot - you'll never guess who contacted me on Facebook today."

Trying not to roll my eyes at the mention of Facebook, I shrugged, waiting for the answer.

"Jake," she answered her own question. "Jake, your old roommate, Jake," she repeated his name several times as if there was another Jake that I may be confused about. Hearing his name after all these years made me almost choke.

"W-wha- oh?" I stammered as I swallowed. "Jake? What did he have to say for himself?" I tried my very best to sound nonchalant, hoping my face was not giving away my surprise.

"He's moving here next month." Kate replied with a smile. "He asked if I could recommend a good motel while he looks for a place to buy," my wife added, before landing the knock out blow. "I told him not to be silly - he could stay with us."

At that moment I had no idea what my face was doing. Swallowing the food that was in my mouth was not working.

"That is okay, isn't it, hon?"

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I'm certainly curious what happened between the narrator and Jake now. I found my eyes glancing upward hoping to see the category. Gay Male? Loving Wives? Group Sex?

 

[darkride]

Ah, what a good question... *checks the categories here* Oh dear.

Not keen on venturing into the Loving Wives arena... But there's be some of all of what you suggested going on...

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Oh dear.

Haha yes the categories here are a bit of a trial aren't they? See the multitude of "categorize my story" threads. Good luck!

 

[darkride]

Maybe I'll just have to through in a whopping great big fetish and then I can put it in the Taboo category rather than loving wives...

 

[AlinaX]

my wife always cooked enough for her on the odd chance she may happen to come home

Just to be a little pedantic:
... on the off chance she happened ...

If not, we had an extra meal for the freezer.

I'm now distracted by an image of a freezer bursting at the seams with extra portions.

I'm not convinced there is a Taboo category, despite there being a category with it in the name.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Maybe I'll just have to through in a whopping great big fetish and then I can put it in the Taboo category rather than loving wives...

I suspect you meant Fetish. The "Incest/Taboo" category (as @AlinaX points out) is for taboo pairings not taboo acts. But, seriously, start a thread on Author's Hangout asking how to categorize your story. It's a common query. The categories have their own nuances and woe betide the author who gets it wrong.

 

[Aukey]

Everything after "...still the woman of my dreams" generally is effective in grabbing my attention (although "casually exclaimed" seems a contradictory combination of words).

BUT, for me, the first paragraph is uninteresting enough that I would likely click away at that point and not even get to the intriguing part. If this is a deliberate choice to establish the baseline of a bland, domesticated male, then it is quite effective.

Would an opening like this work with your story goals? (a more dramatic first line to lure readers in?)

Little did I know what I was walking into that evening.

After a grueling day at the office, my one hope was for a relaxing evening with my wife and a home cooked meal. I ditched my bag in the front hall and changed into slippers before heading down the hall to the kitchen, my smile growing with the increasing savory aroma. There indeed I found Kate stirring the contents of a frying pan with one hand whilst staring at her phone in the other.

I also note Kate not looking up at him when she greets him, which seems odd and not mitigated by the "warmly". Is this a hint that all is not well in their marriage?

The conversation about Jake is very well written. I especially like the sentence "At that moment I had no idea what my face was doing."

 

[ThatNewGuy]

I'm a big believer in crafting the strongest opening sentence you can. Create conflict. Establish a mystery. Pose a question. Give the reader something right off the bat that makes them want to continue.

Aukey's suggestion is a good one. Another option is to skip ahead to the first bit in the story that creates a question or hook. For me, it would be this sentence:

"You'll never guess who contacted me today through Facebook," my wife said.

That poses a question to which I as a reader want to know the answer. From there, you have options. You might follow it with something to raise the stakes a bit:

I swallowed a bite of curry and glanced across the table at Kate. Something in her tone set my nerves on edge.

Or you might build tension by backtracking and making the reader wait for the answer. Something like:

I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for guessing games. It had been a grueling day at the office, and I was looking forward to a quiet dinner with Kate. Glancing across the table, I still couldn't believe she'd chosen me all those years ago.

These are just quick suggestions and might not fit with your plot or characterizations, but you get the idea. Best of luck with your story!

 

[mildlyaroused]

This sounds like a great start to a story, good job.

My biggest critique has to do with sentence variation and temporal adverbials. What's a temporal adverbial? It's essentially a portion of prose that could follow the question "When?" They're used to indicate when an action is occurring.

For example, you used phrases like "After a long day at the office", "as I walked down the hall", "as I kissed her on the cheek", "as my wife plated our food", "after a mouthful of curry", "as I swallowed", etc, etc. All of these phrases could follow the question "When?" They indicate when something is happening in relation to something else.

Using these phrases isn't a bad thing in of itself. But when reading through your beginning I noticed that there were a lot of them, and most of your sentences had a very similar structure. Usually in a sentence, you had two physical actions happening, and you are connecting them to one another with grammar and syntax.

You might want to think about how you can add more variation to this structure. For example, you could cut up your first paragraph into a more diverse structure. As a draft, I reworked para 1 into this:

After a long day at the office, I walked in the front door, hoping to be greeted by the smells of a home-cooked meal and the smiling face of my wife. I tossed my man-bag on the half-table in the landing, slipped off my shoes in favour of my waiting slippers, and started down the hall. I could already smell something aromatic coming from the kitchen. I smiled. There she was, as I'd expected, stirring the contents of a frying pan while staring at her phone.

This version is not perfect. But it does cut out every temporal adverbial except for the first one - "After a long day at the office." Using less of these phrases or sentence structures that emphasise one action in relation to another can help break up monotony over a longer block of narrative.

Overall it's a good narrative start with a strong hook, this is just a general tip if you want to diversify your structure a little. It can help carry the reader forward.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hey all,

Couldn't find a thread where one could post their story opening for any feedback, so thought I'd just create a thread now.

If you started reading this, would you keep going?

It's okay but it could be stronger.

Stories are made of two ingredients, meat and glue. The meat is the stuff readers remember, the bits that get them excited or horny or whatever, probably the reason you wanted to write it in the first place. The glue is what keeps the meat together and structures it to keep it coherent, and sometimes it's good for a bit of pacing in between large chunks of meat; if it was all meat, the story'd fall apart. But readers are there for the meat, so let them taste that flavour early.

This story feels like it has five paragraphs of glue before it gets to the meat:

"I almost forgot - you'll never guess who contacted me on Facebook today."

Consider trimming or restructuring to bring that closer to the opening, perhaps make it the opening sentence. Ask yourself how much of the exposition before that is important, and of that, how much needs to be right there in the opening instead of drip-fed a little later in the narrative. The sooner the readers get to that sentence, the sooner they're asking "what happens next?"

"Important" doesn't always mean "advancing the plot", mind. Developing character is important in its own right; it probably is going to matter who Kate and $NARRATOR are and how they relate to one another. But that's something that needs a bit of space to establish organically, and opening with it risks delaying the "why should I be interested?" too long.

 

[Oldermom935]

Hey all,

Couldn't find a thread where one could post their story opening for any feedback, so thought I'd just create a thread now.

If you started reading this, would you keep going?

-------

After a long day at the office, I walked in the front door hoping to be greeted by the smells of a home cooked meal and the smiling face of my wife. Tossing my man-bag on the half-table in the landing, and slipping my shoes off in favor of my waiting slippers, I could already smell something aromatic coming from the kitchen. I smiled as I walked down the hall and indeed found Kate stirring the contents of the frying pan whilst staring at her phone.

"Hey love," I said to her as I kissed her cheek.

Kate smiled at me without looking up from the pan, or the phone. "Hey you," she replied warmly.

Even though our daughter Stella was now more like a random stranger inhabiting one of our bedrooms than a participant in our family, my wife always cooked enough for her on the odd chance she may happen to come home at dinner time. If not, we had an extra meal for the freezer.

As my wife plated up the food, I grabbed some glasses and poured us both a red. Sitting opposite her at the dining table I couldn't help but thank my lucky stars that this woman had chosen me all those years ago. Neither of us were the fit young twenty-somethings we had been when we met just after college, but she was still the woman of my dreams.

"Oh," Kate casually exclaimed after a mouthful of curry. "I almost forgot - you'll never guess who contacted me on Facebook today."

Trying not to roll my eyes at the mention of Facebook, I shrugged, waiting for the answer.

"Jake," she answered her own question. "Jake, your old roommate, Jake," she repeated his name several times as if there was another Jake that I may be confused about. Hearing his name after all these years made me almost choke.

"W-wha- oh?" I stammered as I swallowed. "Jake? What did he have to say for himself?" I tried my very best to sound nonchalant, hoping my face was not giving away my surprise.

"He's moving here next month." Kate replied with a smile. "He asked if I could recommend a good motel while he looks for a place to buy," my wife added, before landing the knock out blow. "I told him not to be silly - he could stay with us."

At that moment I had no idea what my face was doing. Swallowing the food that was in my mouth was not working.

"That is okay, isn't it, hon?"

It certainly does. It can go in any direction and now that you've wet our beeks please see where this may lead you. And us.

 

[darkride]

Thanks to everyone for the advice above!

The opening is of course the most important part of any story, because it's where you win or lose your readers. I know exactly where this story is going, and I know this moment with husband and wife, 20-odd years after Jake was in their lives, is the place to bring the reader in... Just wanted to make sure it was strong enough, and thanks to all for the suggestions on improving it.

 

[darkride]

It certainly does. It can go in any direction and now that you've wet our beeks please see where this may lead you. And us.

Oh - I already know where it came from, and where it's going.

 

[williepeter]

Hey all,

Couldn't find a thread where one could post their story opening for any feedback, so thought I'd just create a thread now.

If you started reading this, would you keep going?

-------

After a long day at the office, I walked in the front door hoping to be greeted by the smells of a home cooked meal and the smiling face of my wife. Tossing my man-bag on the half-table in the landing, and slipping my shoes off in favor of my waiting slippers, I could already smell something aromatic coming from the kitchen. I smiled as I walked down the hall and indeed found Kate stirring the contents of the frying pan whilst staring at her phone.

"Hey love," I said to her as I kissed her cheek.

Kate smiled at me without looking up from the pan, or the phone. "Hey you," she replied warmly.

Even though our daughter Stella was now more like a random stranger inhabiting one of our bedrooms than a participant in our family, my wife always cooked enough for her on the odd chance she may happen to come home at dinner time. If not, we had an extra meal for the freezer.

As my wife plated up the food, I grabbed some glasses and poured us both a red. Sitting opposite her at the dining table I couldn't help but thank my lucky stars that this woman had chosen me all those years ago. Neither of us were the fit young twenty-somethings we had been when we met just after college, but she was still the woman of my dreams.

"Oh," Kate casually exclaimed after a mouthful of curry. "I almost forgot - you'll never guess who contacted me on Facebook today."

Trying not to roll my eyes at the mention of Facebook, I shrugged, waiting for the answer.

"Jake," she answered her own question. "Jake, your old roommate, Jake," she repeated his name several times as if there was another Jake that I may be confused about. Hearing his name after all these years made me almost choke.

"W-wha- oh?" I stammered as I swallowed. "Jake? What did he have to say for himself?" I tried my very best to sound nonchalant, hoping my face was not giving away my surprise.

"He's moving here next month." Kate replied with a smile. "He asked if I could recommend a good motel while he looks for a place to buy," my wife added, before landing the knock out blow. "I told him not to be silly - he could stay with us."

At that moment I had no idea what my face was doing. Swallowing the food that was in my mouth was not working.

"That is okay, isn't it, hon?"

like it

 

[darkride]

I've been thinking about the feedback above... and realise the "issue" that I have - I'm very much writing a television story/film every time I write anything. The above excerpt, as the opening of a tv/film, makes more sense. But I'm not writing a tv show, and really should learn just how important the opening paragraph of any written story is!

 

[boomerangj]

Hey all,

Couldn't find a thread where one could post their story opening for any feedback, so thought I'd just create a thread now.

If you started reading this, would you keep going?

-------

After a long day at the office, I walked in the front door hoping to be greeted by the smells of a home cooked meal and the smiling face of my wife. Tossing my man-bag on the half-table in the landing, and slipping my shoes off in favor of my waiting slippers, I could already smell something aromatic coming from the kitchen. I smiled as I walked down the hall and indeed found Kate stirring the contents of the frying pan whilst staring at her phone.

"Hey love," I said to her as I kissed her cheek.

Kate smiled at me without looking up from the pan, or the phone. "Hey you," she replied warmly.

Even though our daughter Stella was now more like a random stranger inhabiting one of our bedrooms than a participant in our family, my wife always cooked enough for her on the odd chance she may happen to come home at dinner time. If not, we had an extra meal for the freezer.

As my wife plated up the food, I grabbed some glasses and poured us both a red. Sitting opposite her at the dining table I couldn't help but thank my lucky stars that this woman had chosen me all those years ago. Neither of us were the fit young twenty-somethings we had been when we met just after college, but she was still the woman of my dreams.

"Oh," Kate casually exclaimed after a mouthful of curry. "I almost forgot - you'll never guess who contacted me on Facebook today."

Trying not to roll my eyes at the mention of Facebook, I shrugged, waiting for the answer.

"Jake," she answered her own question. "Jake, your old roommate, Jake," she repeated his name several times as if there was another Jake that I may be confused about. Hearing his name after all these years made me almost choke.

"W-wha- oh?" I stammered as I swallowed. "Jake? What did he have to say for himself?" I tried my very best to sound nonchalant, hoping my face was not giving away my surprise.

"He's moving here next month." Kate replied with a smile. "He asked if I could recommend a good motel while he looks for a place to buy," my wife added, before landing the knock out blow. "I told him not to be silly - he could stay with us."

At that moment I had no idea what my face was doing. Swallowing the food that was in my mouth was not working.

"That is okay, isn't it, hon?"

It certainly is. Good going

 

[nice90sguy]

Personally I thought it was a great opening, and I like "filmic" writing style. Just keep going!

 

[lovecraft68]

Maybe I'll just have to through in a whopping great big fetish and then I can put it in the Taboo category rather than loving wives...

Avoid LW, the homophobes reign supreme there.
Your story has a lot of moving parts, but Gay Male is usually a trump category I would try there.

If not, you're idea of fetish is a good one, the crowd there is probably the less preachy and screechy on the entire site.

 

[darkride]

Personally I thought it was a great opening, and I like "filmic" writing style. Just keep going!

My writing is based on the film projector that's pretty constantly playing inside my head, so, yeah - that's why I get those comments a lot I think. Also why I studied film/tv, though never ultimately did anything with it. Yet.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

If I never hear of that zuhlenburg moron again, it will be too soon.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

I’m two months late to the party, but it’s not a good opening.The main character comes off as dull and peevish. You list a bunch of mundane details that don’t advance the plot or provide characterization. Keep it short and punchy:

“You’ll never guess who called today.” My wife casually remarked over dinner.

“I give up. Who?”

“Your old roommate, Jake. He’s moving here next month, and I told him he could stay with us until he found a place … .”

“You what?!” I sputtered.

 

[nice90sguy]

I’m two months late to the party, but it’s not a good opening.The main character comes off as dull and peevish. You list a bunch of mundane details that don’t advance the plot or provide characterization. Keep it short and punchy:

That's based on a style of opening which I aslo prefer to write, "grab-em-by-the-balls-quick".

But some great stories ease you in gently, and assume you're going to give the author time and space to build things at a slower pace . Maybe less so on this site than on other story sites.

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

That's based on a style of opening which I aslo prefer to write, "grab-em-by-the-balls-quick".

But some great stories ease you in gently, and assume you're going to give the author time and space to build things at a slower pace . Maybe less so on this site than on other story sites.

If you ease slowly into a story, you can spend a lot of time building character and atmosphere. The OP isn’t doing that. It’s just a flat moment-to-moment description of a typical evening. There are lots of meaningless details.

 

[ClockworkFox]

Hello there Darkride,

I like the intro, but if you are seeking suspense and tension early on as a hook, might be an idea to put the "Oh, I talked to Jake, your old room-mate", the man secretly gulping and blanching for some unknown reason, and the increasingly worrying comments he then hears up to "I told him not to be silly, he could stay with us" etc. a little sooner, just to harness attention. I may be wrong.

Again, I may be wrong, but I suppose the nub of the matter is that hubby's naughty stout staff slipped slyly into Jake's tight tradesman's entrance all those years ago, or vice-versa, or both, and hubby's been trying to be pure hetero ever since.