Does this simile work?

kilter

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Was not sure if this works or not- opinions appreciated...

Her eyes fixed on his cock as if by their own volition, and she felt immediately weak inside; like her bones had dissolved into a warm mess that spilled from her pussy, soaking her in hot juice.
 
not for me

Was not sure if this works or not- opinions appreciated...

Her eyes fixed on his cock as if by their own volition, and she felt immediately weak inside; like her bones had dissolved into a warm mess that spilled from her pussy, soaking her in hot juice.

Well, to be honest, it doesn't do it for me - doesn't melt me inside... sounds a bit too clinical, like one of those Renaissance paintings with the professor and medical students standing around a cadaver. ;)

You did want honest, right?
 
context

Sure do! Believe it or not, this isn't building to sex in the context of the story... so I'm not sure if clinical is a problem... Hmmm.

The woman jerked her head in Ishtar’s direction. ‘Look!’
Ishtar sucked in a breath as he turned. The ridges above his dark eyes were bunched with anger, but then relaxed into confusion. He had high, slanting cheekbones, full sensual lips, and straight, white teeth. Black hair curled down to his wide shoulders. A sleeve of tattoos covered his right arm in dragons and Celtic swirls. The centrepiece was a large Ying and Yang symbol, and she noted the usual black and white were silver and crimson.
Her eyes fixed on his cock as if by their own volition, and she felt immediately weak inside; like her bones had dissolved into a warm mess that spilled from her pussy, soaking her in hot juice. It was largest she’d ever seen, and even at her young age – she'd seen quite a few.
She took a shuddering breath. ‘Something’s happened. She needs help.’
The focus of the man’s eyes moved from where they’d been staring at her breasts, down to where Lillian lay limp in her arms. Ishtar belatedly remembered she was naked.
Lillian stirred. ‘Fucking Burned me,’ she muttered.
The young woman straightened and approached them, her bare feet slapping on the wooden floor. ‘What happened?’ she said - voice breathless from her exertions at the kitchen bench. She had fiery hair, green eyes, and a dusting of freckles across her nose.
Ishtar could smell the scent of sex on her, and her nostrils flared in response. She caught a flash of red behind her, and saw the man slipping a crimson robe over his head. It fell shimmering to the floor, and while it had a hood, he didn’t pull it over. Her eyes narrowed; red was not a colour she associated with anything good.
‘I don’t know,’ she replied, again looking at the woman. ‘We were, um…’ Her eyes returned to the man. The rampant stand of his cock had been reduced to a large swelling at his crotch.
‘Sleeper…’ croaked Lillian.
The young woman’s eyes swirled with silver, and then she held out a hand and touched Lillian on the forehead. ‘She’s very weak. Something has happened to her silver… Tommuz, take her to her room. I’ll prepare something.’
Ishtar took a step back as the man walked towards her. ‘Get the fuck away from me,’ she said, baring her teeth. The color of his cloak filled her vision like the red of Connor’s lust. She wondered what he was doing here, dressed like that. She had a sudden vision of Connor, covered in blood, lowering himself over her…
She continued to back away, and felt the silver inside her begin to stir into life once again. So far, she’d always felt at the mercy of the strange force that lived within her, but now it seemed to strengthen her own resolve. She wouldn’t flee or hide this time. She would confront this man head-on and make his power her own.
 
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It might not work except in BDSM and then only when she is meant to be in physical pain. What I immediately thought of was the first horror film I even saw: The House of Wax, with Vincent Price, one of the first 3D movies. He melted sweet young things into wax statues. I suppose some thought that was erotic.

Incidentally, the semicolon is misused. Should be an em dash.
 
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