Does my story seem real ?

[litstorywriter]

Hey, I have been reading up in literotica for almost 4 years now.. and at last I put some of my own ideas into words.
I tried to make it a chain of events that result in the story climax.
I think I did good with the description though I hope to improve on the dialogue.

I'm looking for advice of course. Let me know..

here is the link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=441526

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hey, I have been reading up in literotica for almost 4 years now.. and at last I put some of my own ideas into words.
I tried to make it a chain of events that result in the story climax.
I think I did good with the description though I hope to improve on the dialogue.

I'm looking for advice of course. Let me know..

here is the link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=441526

You've made a couple of classic errors. You first few paragraphs are WAY too long. A couple of them are like staring at a waterfall while trying to pick out individual drops. The WALL OF WORDS ends up in back clicks, not votes.

I rarely ever discribe anything in much detail. Why would I? Render the discription and let the reader fill in the blanks. He/She has a mind. And do you really care is Wanda's hair is red, brown or blonde? Let the reader fill it in with his/her own personal preference.

Let your characters tell your story. Get yourself out of the way and don't talk to the reader directly. That can be done, but it's very hard to make believable unless you can first make the reader believe the "me" in the story is a character and not "you" the writer. By allowing your characters to do the discriptions and tell their own story your give them life. In your story, your characters seem to be "fill-ins" between discriptions. Let me give you an example...

You could say, "Wanda's nipples were clearly visible thought the thin fabric of her shirt."

Or it would be better to say, "Henry stared at Wanda and said, "I love the way the curve or your nipples show through your shirt." Doing this gives life to Henry and places him directly in the action of the scene.

You getting all this?