Does having a time out from a relationship/friendship help problems?

[theshadow]

Ive decided with my girl that we should take a time out in our friendship/relationship for a few weeks, no contact whatsoever. Im doing this as I keep getting mixed signals from her.. one minute we act as if we are a couple, sleep together, then the next minute she wants to be just friends..

There is a chemistry between us and there is also that special something, we have a special bond but we keep going round in circles recently.. So Im asking you experienced people out there.. am I doing the right thing by giving her space for a while?

 

[juicylips]

Is she in agreement with this? I noticed you said that it was your idea. She sounds as if she doesn't know what she wants yet. This could be a way of jarring her into what she is needing in your relationship.

JL

 

[takingchances42]

Refusing to see her for several weeks does sound like a high drama kind of move, that will just increase the pressure. Have you been pressuring her? Seeking things from her that she is obviously not quite ready to give freely?

Maybe the better move is to totally back off the pressure and the expectations. Relax, kick back, give her and yourself plenty of space -- but not in a high drama total refusal to see her.

 

[theshadow]

i have been very grovelling for us to end the confusion and she agrees with the space thing.. one thing ive learned is never put pressure on someone!

 

[alltherage]

Are you blue yet. Remember when we were kids some of us would hold our breaths to get what we wanted? It didnt work then and for your sake I hope it doesnt work now. Rather than look for signals from this woman ask some questions. You know what? Sometimes friend fuck. It may be that she does she you as a friend. Can you live with this. She is not exactly burning down you door looking to resume contact.

 

[PepperminTrish]

This sounds more like an ultimatum than a 'time out' from the relationship. Be careful ............. ultimatums have a way of back firing on us.

 

[juicylips]

I understand your need to define what this relationship is exactly and where it's going. I don't like not knowing where I stand with someone either.

Have you sat down and really talked about it? Maybe all she really wants is just friendly fucking.

JL

 

[Kitte]

If handled correctly time apart can do a world of good, if handled incorrectly it can , just as Trish said, backfire.

Absence is to love like air is to fire....it can extinguish small ones and fan large ones to new heights.

 

[alltherage]

If handled correctly time apart can do a world of good, if handled incorrectly it can , just as Trish said, backfire.

Absence is to love like air is to fire....it can extinguish small ones and fan large ones to new heights.

I like that thought.

 

[juicylips]

Absence is to love like air is to fire....it can extinguish small ones and fan large ones to new heights.

Nicely put, K. I like that. I have found it to be true.

JL

 

[Lovepotion69]

Absence is to love like air is to fire....it can extinguish small ones and fan large ones to new heights.

I also agree to this. It's very true.

The Shadow, I think you should try to talk to her. Don't pressure her too much for a definition if you're a couple or not. Just try to talk to her and ask her how she feels. What she thinks, how she wants you to act/not act. Is she feeling things are going too fast? Are there other factors in her or both of your lives? Is it perhaps like others have said, that she just wants to fuck. Or is it that she likes you but just (for various reasons) may not feel it's time to get into an official (serious) relationship?

A bit of space if probably good. Let her sort her thoughts and feelings out, but absolutely no contact may not be needed. Just be there as a friend. A friend keeps in touch, but maybe doesn't call every single minute to hear how she is.

Good luck!
/LP

 

[theshadow]

Well she has feelings for me and the chemistry is between us but she gives me mixed signals.. she was in an abusive relationship in the past, was almost sexually abused.. So she has doubts about me and everyone.. she expects people will end up hurting her... So she agreeed with me that we both need a little space..

 

[MissTaken]

It has been my experience that a "time out" or "trial seperation" isn't a good thing.

No contact? I am almost certain this will backfire. If she has a history of abuse and questions you, then you aren't with her for several weeks she will

a) Become untrusting and assume you are with someone else.

b) Look for safety and nurturance elsewhere.

c) REspond only to the stimulus that is provided, i.e. friends. If her friends are not supportive of the two of you, she will respond to this by dumping you.

She needs treatment and a caring, supportive partner. Based only on what you are telling me, she isn't getting those during your "time out."

I also believe that this can be used a means of avoiding the real issues. While a breather is nice, with some contact.....no contact isn't going to make the problem go away.

 

[theshadow]

I agree with you.. so i will contact her a few times.. just to let her know that Im thinking of her... Its a mad situation that i have never been in before so I am a little naive about things.. We are more than just friends.. it sticks out like a sore thumb and its noticeable amoungst our friends and strangers in our body language... We were going well for 3 months until she got cold feet and for no reason wanted to end the relationship.. I of course was gutted but since we havent been an offical couple we have did things together as if we were a couple.. We both aint good time people just looking for a fuck now and then.. its just something i cant put my finger on.. There is no one else involved but I have been pressuring her too much about things.. Which is not good..

 

[MissTaken]

You sound invested in this relationship.

That is wonderful


She does need to know that you will stand by her no matter what. She has probably never experienced unconditional love or has a cloudy vision of it.

She also does need to have this relationship on her terms. She needs to feel empowered. Another thing that hasn't happened for her.

Best of luck

Miss T

 

[theshadow]

She knows how I feel but she just wants me to stop telling her it almost 24/7.. This is a very special girl who has low self esteem, is wonderful to be with and I can totally open to her as she does with me... I will never give up on this girl until there is no hope. but I have been really pushy which she doesnt like.. She said to me that being too pushy drives her away and we might not have a future romantically.. but then on the other hand she tells me that in her heart of hearts we have no future.. then a few days later its a maybe who knows kind of attitude.. she is so confused and I can only wait and care for her..