Does FWB really work today?

[eyeball1]

I keep hearing friends/folks say it's cliche or not real. Yet I've heard/seen/watched it happen to others in other times and places over the past 10 years...so is Friends With Benefits a practical reality anymore?

I'm 31 and divorced. Bad marriage, never should have happened, no love, no sex, lots of frustration and let down for most of it. I'm not the bitter divorced guy but I will say I'm jaded. I definitely don't look at women the same anymore and I have a harder time trusting. I'm also really enjoying making decisions for me and me alone and not having to worry about someone else's cockamamie plans/thoughts/actions and how I'd end up fixing the chaos. It's my life, I get to lead it my way, and yes, it's a bit selfish but I guess I earned it.
Been single for a year. Looked around, met women, had a continuous stream of bad luck, and met some real "winners." Partly my fault, partly just I dunno what. Even just took a few months off around the holidays to just cool down and start over.
Then about a month ago I met a gal I thought was pretty great (hell, still do) and things happened and life was looking up...and she's just vanishing into the night. No excuses, no word, just avoiding me after it seemed like things went well. Not even the courage to tell me to "Fuck Off."

So yeah, here I sit, rather annoyed with some women but not done with them by far. I love women, I want a woman in my life...but I don't really want anything serious. Dear god do I miss the feel of a woman and the pleasures of sex. Is it possible to have a good female friend that I trust and can have awesome monkey sex with on a dependable basis yet not end up hurting each other in the end?

 

[Experiencedguy]

You bet

I have now been single for about 15 years. Although my situation is quite different (I am very bi). I have two females that could only be called FWB. First, I am now 65, so my sex drive is quite different than it was 50 years ago. The first major benefit is that all three of us trust each other with our lives, so no nonsense about protection. We all know we can trust each other to be disease free, and there is no concern about pregnacy (that isn't to say if we have sex with someone outside of our circle of three that we don't use protection).

One of the females lives quite close to me, and we spend the night together about once a month or so (okay - usually we spend about three days and two nights together, and make it four or five times). The other one lives 200 miles from here, and we get together a few times a year. We usually manage to spend about one week more or less together.

So yes - it is real, and yes, it works. It is great to have time to spend with someone whose sexual interests are at least compatable with yours (both of them know I am bi), with no hassle or emotional baggage.

But don't think it is easy to find. It is much harder to find someone who is willing to be a FWB than it is to find anyone who just wants a quick, emotionless, down and dirty fuck. If this is truely what you want, you will find it.

As a side note -- I used to live in Dayton Ohio several years ago, and that has to be one of the easiest towns I have ever lived in to find both casual sex, and FWB. Go check it out -- it isn't that far of a drive from you (lots of single Air Force girls in the bars outside of Wright Patterson Air Force Base).

 

[eyeball1]

That's good to hear. Didn't figure it would be easy either. I'm pretty monogamistic and not wired for one nights stands and lately it seems like the bar scene is full of women either looking for one night and done or their soul mate.

Dayton eh? It's 2.5 hours but maybe on a weekend. Working six days a week doesn't help my situation.

 

[quietinpublic]

I think it can work - I know I'm only young though.

I find the "one night stand" thing very strange myself, I have a FWB and some of our friends that know keep saying one of us will fall for the other but I really can't see it happening! I've known the guy from school but we didn't speak for ages and then randomly he got in touch and now we're FWBs! It's working out great so far - we've been like this for about 3 months now and neither of us seem particularly attracted to the other for anything other than sex. Which is great by the way

 

[Guest]

It is great when it comes together..... it is still a shit-load of work....but very much worth the effort.....

 

[eyeball1]

Well, good to hear it works for others. Now to find the time and effort.

How did everyone's start? Random attraction or a one nighter that repeated? Friends or not?

I've got a friend who's been doing this with a gal for years...and they can barely stand each other outside of bed.

 

[Tiffany87]

I never had good luck with men back when I wanted a relationship. I had two bfs that didn't last long. I also dated men and it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to. Also had to kick a guy to the curb cuz he stood me up 3 times. I realized that relationships don't work for me. I now have an fwb and it's been that way for a month and a half. We were just friends for months beforehand and i trust him. I don't have to deal with any bullshit and i like it that way. I'd be too scared to want to be in a real relationship at this time.

 

[Experiencedguy]

A quick followup

As how I got fortunate enough to have two FWB's (and, yes, the do know about each other, know each other, don't mind sharing me, but will not do a threesome).

The first one is a bit younger. I met her through a mutual friend, who owned his own company (in the same genre as my own company). He was a friend of her husband's, and had known her for several years. She was working for him to help out her finances during difficult times. When she split from her husband, I offered to help her out. It just evolved from that. She is now about fifty, and opened her own small business. I see her whenever she comes to town on business (I have been up to see her once in the last five years). This has been going on for over ten years.

The second one is my age, and her husband died about ten years ago. About five years ago, my brother-in-laws mother suggested we get together, as they were mutual friends, and she thought we would get along. Allthough we do see each other socially, with mutual friends and families, nobody 'knows' we are an 'item' - they just think we get along great and like each other. This is how we both are most comfortable with people we know.

As far as those hot Air Force chicks @ WPAFB -- a normal tour of duty there is only three years, so no matter what you found there, that would be about as far as you could expect it to go, unless it was really spectacular. And a lot of them are very professional woman, who would love being FWB.

Good luck, and let us know if you ever manage one.

 

[kaycee217]

I will add and say that I fully support FWB relationships. But I must say that they're not as easy as one might think and they're not for everyone.

Well, good to hear it works for others. Now to find the time and effort.

How did everyone's start? Random attraction or a one nighter that repeated? Friends or not?

I've got a friend who's been doing this with a gal for years...and they can barely stand each other outside of bed.

For me, it usually it starts when there's attraction. However, I'll know if any future is limited to a FWB type of relationship (I believe there are 3 types). I then give full disclosure as to what I want from the relationship. But even this full disclosure isn't enough sometimes, depending on the person. As you and many others already know, some people are willing to be "used" in the hope the person of their affection will eventually "come around."

It really depends on the circumstances and person.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Well, good to hear it works for others. Now to find the time and effort.

How did everyone's start? Random attraction or a one nighter that repeated? Friends or not?

I've got a friend who's been doing this with a gal for years...and they can barely stand each other outside of bed.

I don't know if my situation qualifies or not. For the last five years I have had a purely sexual relationship with a woman. She calls me when she is between romantic relationships. When she has a boyfriend, I don't hear from her. When things break off, she invites me over just for sex. I haven't heard from her in over a year, so I assume that everything is going well for her now.

 

[jgirl1975]

This topic is very close to home for me. I am 34 and have been single for about the last 8 years. I have no faith in relationships. I have convinced myself that's not what I want and have been pretty good at keeping it that way until lately...I don't think I am a typical girl IMO because I have no problems with casual sex relationships. As long as we are safe and everyone is upfront about what's going on. Many of my girlfriends have tried it and not been sucessful.

HOWEVER, let me explain my downfall/FWB situation..

We started out friends. We had known each other years ago and he had moved and we lost touch. About a year and a half ago he moved back to the area with his girlfriend and their child. We got back in touch with each other through mutual friends and the text messages became flirty and then beyond flirty and the next thing I know we are talking about how bad we want to fuck each other.

Needless to say we hooked up. I had no desire to date him, but we have the most EXPLOSIVE, MIND BLOWING sex I have ever had. We were both very upfront about the fact it was just sex. The excitment that we were sneaking around was like a drug! But we kept it very much just sex. We would hook up and then he would leave... No hanging around afterwards, no cuddling, no snuggling, no pillow talk.. I wasnt asking him to leave his girlfriend or even had that thought in my head. I honestly never ask him how he felt about me other then the sex. About 4 or 5 months into it, he and the girlfriend split but it didn't effect how our relationship was. About 9 months into it we had a huge falling out, all of our friends found out we had been seeing each other secretly. It was a huge mess and we stopped talking to each other as friends or anything else for about a month and a half. Until he wasn't there anymore I didn't realize how much I had developed some kinda feelings for him.

Now the first time we saw each other after the fight it was obvious to everyone around us that we still wanted each other. We talked about everything that had happened and we hooked up again. This time it was different. We spent the whole evening together, sex and then hung out and watched some movies. Then the next time was still the amazing sex but we layed in bed talking afterwards. We have met each other for lunch with no sex. We have went out with friends and but played around before everyone gets there. We have talked on the phone for hours at a time about our problems or people we know. We have naughty phone sex, and naughty text messages and pictures.

But all is not as great as that sounds. We go for weeks without talking or seeing each other. And I find myself missing him terribly. He has always been as anti-relationship as me. Has given me NO definete indiction that he is really interested in any kinda relationship with me. He's an inconciderate ass 90% of the time. I am terrified to let him know how I feel for fear of having mis-read everything and losing him completely.

So having said all that.. guess I was trying to say that FWB can work but it's tricky tricky tricky.

 

[Macbillio]

This topic is very close to home for me. I am 34 and have been single for about the last 8 years. I have no faith in relationships. I have convinced myself that's not what I want and have been pretty good at keeping it that way until lately...I don't think I am a typical girl IMO because I have no problems with casual sex relationships. As long as we are safe and everyone is upfront about what's going on. Many of my girlfriends have tried it and not been sucessful.

HOWEVER, let me explain my downfall/FWB situation..

We started out friends. We had known each other years ago and he had moved and we lost touch. About a year and a half ago he moved back to the area with his girlfriend and their child. We got back in touch with each other through mutual friends and the text messages became flirty and then beyond flirty and the next thing I know we are talking about how bad we want to fuck each other.

Needless to say we hooked up. I had no desire to date him, but we have the most EXPLOSIVE, MIND BLOWING sex I have ever had. We were both very upfront about the fact it was just sex. The excitment that we were sneaking around was like a drug! But we kept it very much just sex. We would hook up and then he would leave... No hanging around afterwards, no cuddling, no snuggling, no pillow talk.. I wasnt asking him to leave his girlfriend or even had that thought in my head. I honestly never ask him how he felt about me other then the sex. About 4 or 5 months into it, he and the girlfriend split but it didn't effect how our relationship was. About 9 months into it we had a huge falling out, all of our friends found out we had been seeing each other secretly. It was a huge mess and we stopped talking to each other as friends or anything else for about a month and a half. Until he wasn't there anymore I didn't realize how much I had developed some kinda feelings for him.

Now the first time we saw each other after the fight it was obvious to everyone around us that we still wanted each other. We talked about everything that had happened and we hooked up again. This time it was different. We spent the whole evening together, sex and then hung out and watched some movies. Then the next time was still the amazing sex but we layed in bed talking afterwards. We have met each other for lunch with no sex. We have went out with friends and but played around before everyone gets there. We have talked on the phone for hours at a time about our problems or people we know. We have naughty phone sex, and naughty text messages and pictures.

But all is not as great as that sounds. We go for weeks without talking or seeing each other. And I find myself missing him terribly. He has always been as anti-relationship as me. Has given me NO definete indiction that he is really interested in any kinda relationship with me. He's an inconciderate ass 90% of the time. I am terrified to let him know how I feel for fear of having mis-read everything and losing him completely.

So having said all that.. guess I was trying to say that FWB can work but it's tricky tricky tricky.

I would have thought that might end up happening more often than not to 1 of the parties involved. Although I have never been in that kind of "relationship" before.

IT does sound good in theory and if it managed to stay a purely sexual thing then great, I am not sure that kinda thing would work with me right enough. Everyone is different.

I hope whatever you end up doing works out for you though.

 

[kaycee217]

This topic is very close to home for me. I am 34 and have been single for about the last 8 years. I have no faith in relationships. I have convinced myself that's not what I want and have been pretty good at keeping it that way until lately...I don't think I am a typical girl IMO because I have no problems with casual sex relationships. As long as we are safe and everyone is upfront about what's going on. Many of my girlfriends have tried it and not been sucessful.

HOWEVER, let me explain my downfall/FWB situation..

We started out friends. We had known each other years ago and he had moved and we lost touch. About a year and a half ago he moved back to the area with his girlfriend and their child. We got back in touch with each other through mutual friends and the text messages became flirty and then beyond flirty and the next thing I know we are talking about how bad we want to fuck each other.

Needless to say we hooked up. I had no desire to date him, but we have the most EXPLOSIVE, MIND BLOWING sex I have ever had. We were both very upfront about the fact it was just sex. The excitment that we were sneaking around was like a drug! But we kept it very much just sex. We would hook up and then he would leave... No hanging around afterwards, no cuddling, no snuggling, no pillow talk.. I wasnt asking him to leave his girlfriend or even had that thought in my head. I honestly never ask him how he felt about me other then the sex. About 4 or 5 months into it, he and the girlfriend split but it didn't effect how our relationship was. About 9 months into it we had a huge falling out, all of our friends found out we had been seeing each other secretly. It was a huge mess and we stopped talking to each other as friends or anything else for about a month and a half. Until he wasn't there anymore I didn't realize how much I had developed some kinda feelings for him.

Now the first time we saw each other after the fight it was obvious to everyone around us that we still wanted each other. We talked about everything that had happened and we hooked up again. This time it was different. We spent the whole evening together, sex and then hung out and watched some movies. Then the next time was still the amazing sex but we layed in bed talking afterwards. We have met each other for lunch with no sex. We have went out with friends and but played around before everyone gets there. We have talked on the phone for hours at a time about our problems or people we know. We have naughty phone sex, and naughty text messages and pictures.

But all is not as great as that sounds. We go for weeks without talking or seeing each other. And I find myself missing him terribly. He has always been as anti-relationship as me. Has given me NO definete indiction that he is really interested in any kinda relationship with me. He's an inconciderate ass 90% of the time. I am terrified to let him know how I feel for fear of having mis-read everything and losing him completely.

So having said all that.. guess I was trying to say that FWB can work but it's tricky tricky tricky.

I've always thought most FWB relationships were basically games of chicken...

 

[sassylilthang]

can if you really want it to

I had a FWB situation years back with someone. We did not have a friendship prior to this, or any sort of friendship outside of it. It worked really well for a long time. It stopped working for me when I wanted to be in a relationship. Not necessarily with him, but since he was the guy I saw most oftenn......I started to get confused. Called it off....glad I did.

Now, I am single. Free to date, but not really doing much of that. Would get a FWB again....after making sure it was with the right person. And that the chance of emotional involvement was zero.

Having hooked up for just sex in the past with a guy I had feelings for, who no longer returnned them. I do not recommend doing that as a way of "getting" someone. Never works out.

 

[zanabanana]

a catch

Hey eyeball1,
I suppose anything is possible with the right person/s (theres always a catch right?!) but I am happy to admit to thinking a little pessimistically that there is no one out there that can mesh well enough with any other person. I have read a few of the responces to your message so I suppose for some it can work - good for them!!
Personally I am just looking around for someone to talk with and the tone of your message seemed like you could be someone I could interact with. I am a similar age to you, female, and apparently on the other side of the planet to you (Australian) which is kind of a turn on for me!
I would say I am as wild a person as I know but compared to alot of the stuff in the lit stories I do have some reserves. If I had to plot myself on the kink'ometer with 1 being missionary and 10 being pissing into your lovers mouth Id say Im about an 8 so take that as you will!
If your not interested that is fine but I would rather put it out there than not. If not good luck with your future - you sound like a great guy!
ZB

I keep hearing friends/folks say it's cliche or not real. Yet I've heard/seen/watched it happen to others in other times and places over the past 10 years...so is Friends With Benefits a practical reality anymore?

I'm 31 and divorced. Bad marriage, never should have happened, no love, no sex, lots of frustration and let down for most of it. I'm not the bitter divorced guy but I will say I'm jaded. I definitely don't look at women the same anymore and I have a harder time trusting. I'm also really enjoying making decisions for me and me alone and not having to worry about someone else's cockamamie plans/thoughts/actions and how I'd end up fixing the chaos. It's my life, I get to lead it my way, and yes, it's a bit selfish but I guess I earned it.
Been single for a year. Looked around, met women, had a continuous stream of bad luck, and met some real "winners." Partly my fault, partly just I dunno what. Even just took a few months off around the holidays to just cool down and start over.
Then about a month ago I met a gal I thought was pretty great (hell, still do) and things happened and life was looking up...and she's just vanishing into the night. No excuses, no word, just avoiding me after it seemed like things went well. Not even the courage to tell me to "Fuck Off."

So yeah, here I sit, rather annoyed with some women but not done with them by far. I love women, I want a woman in my life...but I don't really want anything serious. Dear god do I miss the feel of a woman and the pleasures of sex. Is it possible to have a good female friend that I trust and can have awesome monkey sex with on a dependable basis yet not end up hurting each other in the end?

 

[eyeball1]

Just want to say thanks to everyone who has written and shared their experiences and encouragement. Sometimes this site seems quite jaded, other times not.

The funny part is I've been talking with a long time female friend of mine the last several months who's in a similar situation as me. Divorced from an abusive dick (if I ever meet the guy by random chance...won't go well for him), similar age, bad luck dating, and just trying to live life but obviously very frustrated sexually. I think we'd have great potential even just for explosive sex...but again, with my luck, she's on the other side of the country about as far from me as you can get. Might go visit this summer though. Almost hesitant to even try though, don't want to ruin the great long distance friendship we've had for a decade now.

 

[Guest]

Find an excuse to go visit her...NOW!
It will not be a wasted trip if you are acually friends - right?
And, there is a very good chance you'll hook up as well.

Best of luck!

Just want to say thanks to everyone who has written and shared their experiences and encouragement. Sometimes this site seems quite jaded, other times not.

The funny part is I've been talking with a long time female friend of mine the last several months who's in a similar situation as me. Divorced from an abusive dick (if I ever meet the guy by random chance...won't go well for him), similar age, bad luck dating, and just trying to live life but obviously very frustrated sexually. I think we'd have great potential even just for explosive sex...but again, with my luck, she's on the other side of the country about as far from me as you can get. Might go visit this summer though. Almost hesitant to even try though, don't want to ruin the great long distance friendship we've had for a decade now.

 

[eyeball1]

Just started a new job. A very good new job so I can't go for a while. Also moving soon so yeah...earliest opportunity for a long weekend visit would be June some time. We're talking about it and both know what will likely happen...

Thanks!

 

[coquettish]

I had almost the exact same long distance friend in the same boat as me thing... I went. The sex was explosively wonderfully amazingly great, he was an awesome drought breaker.

The emotional come down and head game wasn't worth it for me though. It was very intense. I thought it was going to be just sex, he clouded it with "I missed you so much, if you lived here, we could make a go of it blah blah." All that hot off the heals of one giant headfuck of a marriage was all too much.

I now have in my life a guy I met on Fetlife who is, again, phenomenal in the sheets, but is getting very attached emotionally. I think FWB can work if you can find someone who is genuine in their "this is JUST sex" stance. I know for me I am not in a place where a relationship is something I'm feeling secure enough to enter into. There is one guy I'd consider it with, but it's not geographically feesable right now.

Good luck

 

[corks25]

The definition of FWB seems to have changed over the last several years. I was in a good situation for 4 years, that ended almost 10 years ago when he got married. We were real friends first and last. The sex was really good but not as important as the friendship.
I am on a dating site and get offered FWB alot, but that is not really what they want. They want NSA on a regular basis and it doesn't seem to matter with who.

 

[m_anew1]

Yes it does,

but you've both gotta have similar expectations and be honest about them. I've had a couple of FWBs and we enjoyed the friendship as much as the benefits. IMHO they all have a life cycle which eventually ends and then its best to let it go on good terms instead of trying to keep it going. But I've had nothing but a positive experience.

 

[corks25]

I would love to get into another FWB situation now, but its really hard to find the right person for that.

 

[Size13]

I just got out of FWB relationship due to the fact that, although the physical attraction was off the charts (it was totally incredible), the mental connection was light years different, and we could never seem to be on the same page mentally.

In the past, it seems that a FWB relationship only works until one of the two decide their emotions dictate how they feel about the other person, and decide they "love" or want this person as a mate.

 

[HillCountrySSBBW]

I am really hopeful that it works. I would like to think that I offer an awesome "benefits package"!

 

[george51]

Hey eyeball1,
I suppose anything is possible with the right person/s (theres always a catch right?!) but I am happy to admit to thinking a little pessimistically that there is no one out there that can mesh well enough with any other person. I have read a few of the responces to your message so I suppose for some it can work - good for them!!
Personally I am just looking around for someone to talk with and the tone of your message seemed like you could be someone I could interact with. I am a similar age to you, female, and apparently on the other side of the planet to you (Australian) which is kind of a turn on for me!
I would say I am as wild a person as I know but compared to alot of the stuff in the lit stories I do have some reserves. If I had to plot myself on the kink'ometer with 1 being missionary and 10 being pissing into your lovers mouth Id say Im about an 8 so take that as you will!
If your not interested that is fine but I would rather put it out there than not. If not good luck with your future - you sound like a great guy!
ZB

Now who could refuse an offer like that??

Butted in there I know...good luck anyway. Couldn't help myself..