does anyone have any advice?

[vylette]

i have an issue...just an issue, not really a problem...i have been married for 12 years (together longer)...and my husband and i have one son...ok the issue..i am so drawn to the "bdsm lifestyle"..however he isnt...i cant say as if it is a "serious problem"..although sometimes i do wish it was different...i realize it isnt necessary in his nature to be "dominate" over me...he says he doesnt feel comfortable with me in a submissive role in or out of the bedroom...but it is what i want ..and it is a want/need coming from inside..so i am at a loss...above all else i know i love him...it is just leaving me feeling empty inside..so if anyone has any suggestions or advice...i would be very happy to hear it..

 

[morninggirl5]

vylette,

You are definitely not alone. This issue has come up again and again here in this forum.

Here's a link to one of the more recent threads, if you do a search i'm sure you'll find more.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=86734&highlight=nilla+husband

 

[vylette]

thanks for the link...i guess i am looking for something of a more concrete answer...not just ideal type situation...but on were i could have examles of how to help my husband become more active/dominate...however are that point the role play of it all i dont really get into too(i want something more real than the sexual game)...or to know if it is possible to find some like this..i am guessing over the net first and see how this works upfront..someone you know isnt fake by you know is real...

 

[lovechild27]

I am trying to warm my boyfriend up to the idea...he is getting a little rougher and is close to agreeing to tie me up. I say just take your time with it. Introduce things slowly. I wouldnt bust out with the chains and cock ring...maybe start with scarfs to tie each other up or use as blindfolds. I would say start slow..he may find out he likes it!

 

[Shadowsdream]

vylette

Could you please tell Me if you are looking for Domination in and out of the bedroom or just in the bedroom.

The answer could help Me to tailor My advise a little better for you.

 

[Shadowsdream]

vylette

Could you please tell Me if you are looking for only bedroom Domination or the entire package in your relationship with your husband.
The answer could make the advise easier to give.

 

[zipperdiva]

Warming folks up to fun and games...

Hi all,

I decided to step in and toss out my four or so cents to the topic.

I have a few ideas on this topic and am going to list them below. They aren't in particular order.

1) A nice place to start if you are interested in exploring D/s is skipping the stereotypical fantasy portion. It sets off too many alarms in most people and is too far of a mental jump for the beginning. Look to your real life and discern the power dynamics of it. For instance, does one of you tend to make the decisions regarding the yard where the other doesn't? The car? The bank account? Vacations? Organizing dinner parties? Examine this. Make a list. Talk about it with your spouse and compliment them for the areas they make these decisions thereby aiding you in carrying less of the load. Talk about how they are mental vacations. Come back to the discussion a few days later and talk to your spouse about how a little play could be a mental vacation. They might be more willing.

2) Honestly look at your partner's life. Are they stressed out at work? Are they stressed, period? If so, perhaps this isn't the best time for them to take on a new responsibility. That may be a part of your battle right there.

3) Start easy and slowly. Show your partner the joys of submission before requiring them to create it for you. Something as simple as kissing them, asking them not to move, and then continuing to kiss them. If they ask why, tell them you're teasing them. Ask them later if it made them want to touch you more. I'll bet it did. I'll bet it opens the door to lots more fun.

I could go on and on, however, being new here, I won't press my luck.

 

[CarolineOh]

I would second what Lady Catherine said about the stereotypical roles being a deterrent. That was the case with Sam and I, he scoffed at bdsm because his impression of it was that it was silly posing, all about the costumes and the imagery, and that put him off. Even as we enjoyed bringing bondage , blindfolds and spanking into our bedroom, he resisted recognizing the emotional and psychological aspects of our relationship.
What made the change for him was when he began reading this forum on a regular basis, and came to respect cym, Risia, Ebony, James Blandings,and so many others, and understand and appreciate the message they kept putting out, that bdsm is about being yourself in the best way you can, not about meeting the expectations of others or meeting some imposed standards.

 

[Guest]

Unfortunately, there is no concrete answer. Every relationship is differently faceted. If your husband is, inherently, dominant, you could introduce ways for him to demonstrate dominance, sadism, control, whatever you seek. He may be intimidated by the stereotypes. He may not feel secure. There are so many issues that could be in play.
I would suggest getting some books. Read them together. No hardcore stuff.
Within your play, show him what you'd enjoy. If you want restraint, use silky scarves or something "innocent." Baby steps.
Good luck!

 

[vylette]

originally posted by shadowsdream

vylette

Could you please tell Me if you are looking for only bedroom Domination or the entire package in your relationship with your husband.
The answer could make the advise easier to give.

the entire package, both inside and outside of the bedroom..

 

[vylette]

thanks for all the other advice..i truly do appreciate..

as far as being dominate...my husband seems to be in every ascept (meaning work etc...) just not with me...

he will say things like "i do not want to tell you what to do or not to do, that doesnt seem right ..we are equal..i dont want to be 'over' you"

the few times we have carried it out in sexual roleplay...to be perfectly honest..he is all into it until he cums and then he feels terrrible..completely apologizing saying he shouldnt have treated me that way...that it was completely disrespectful...

he feels what i want is not how he should be treating me...and he cant get passed it...we have tried many things and i have explained i dont feel bad when he does things...but still it isnt working..

 

[activesense]

Vylette,

I really appreciate your situation and would like to offer my experience as someone who is fundementally comitted to a relationship of sexual and personal equality.

I would have never really thought about BDSM in any capacity but the negative stereotype had I not spent some time here doing research and reading. I read stories and posts for several months before I ever posted and have continued to read more than post here because I am still very much in the learning stage.

The place I have come to that I think might be helpful for your husband is the perspective of BDSM as a both spiritual and sexual practice. I view the "play" you are talking about as a vehicle for expanding and heightening my partners pleasure - not a form "domination" per se. I think domination can can have very negative connotations for those committed to equality. I really view it as facillitation - which may sound trite but I see both roles of D/s having tremendous responsibility, not a one-sided exploitive relationship.

If he can think of his role as leading and guiding on your journey to explore this aspect of yourself, maybe he can get over the external images that are negative for him. You have the responsibility to communicate and so does he. It is not just your exploration but his as well. There is a lot of discussion about "subspace" but it seems to me that there is a "Domspace" too - where the Dom is totally focussed and absorbed in the experiences and sensations of the sub and their (D) role as guide.

I have done this somewhat in vanilla relationships and cannot pretend to have the experience of other members here, but I hope this is helpfull and that I have not spoken out of turn too much. I think you are the perfect place to begin your journey as a couple because you are starting with a loving relationship of equals - to me this is ideal because you can grow with a sense of equal responsibility not as one in control and the other powerless.

This has been somewhat rambling but I hope it makes some sense. Hopefully i have expressed somw of what I find so amazing about D/s relationships and what I have learned from reading and listening to other members of this forum.

activesense

 

[zipperdiva]

Interesting...

I found it of interest that you mentioned your husband feels he shouldn't treat you that way. I think it's important to acknowledge that he's right. No man or woman should treat another in that manner without consent.

Perhaps it's a line of thought that needs to move a little further from simply saying it's ok. Talk about why it's ok.

I knew someone once who was in a similar place and once they had the conversation that acknowledged the wisdom of knowing it's not ok to treat people as a whole in a domineering, rough manner but in a game, it's delicious because there is consent, good feelings and a mutual need. If it's fun, harms no one, etc. how can it be bad? We must allow ourselves the right to have pleasure in whatever form that may take as long as it harms none.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Because you are looking for the whole package and your husband is resistant to what he appears to feel is demeaning to you I would suggest that you take the natural approach which begins outside of the bedroom.

When watching TV together perhaps you could occassionally sit at his feet resting your head or back against his legs. Contentedly with no expectations. Serve him a beverage that you know he enjoys for no other reason except it is joyful to you. Do not make a big deal out of it but show your pleasure in the sweetness of your smile. Return to your place at his feet.

If he likes baths at all prepare a beautiful bubble bath, candles and soft music just for him. Give him a few minutes to relax as you sit on the floor at the side of the tub. Talk about his day with real interest, listen to what he has to say. Slowly and calmly raise to your knees and ask if you may bath him for your pleasure. If he agrees tell him shyly how much you enjoy the feel of him under your hands. If you get really lucky he may ask you to join him and he may take it to play. It does not matter if it goes any further than you giving him this unexpected pleasure simply because it is your need to please.

Husbands seldom are the benefactors of foot massages but very few do not enjoy them very much. If he accepts one from you he will begin to dream of more. It is erotic, submissive and relaxing.

When he begins to see that Domination and submission are a personal thing..from the very mildly erotic to the rough and tumble explorations of kinky explosive sex he maý begin to feel more comfortable exploring this new idea for BOTH of you.

Stay honest and never resort to manipulation.

 

[vylette]

wow thanks shadowsdream ..that is some really good advice...i truly do appreciate that...very seldom do i feel i get sincere advice...odd cos i was just getting ready to just blow the whole thing off and chalk it up to not working...but those things i will definitely try...

 

[petrel]

wow thanks shadowsdream ..that is some really good advice...i truly do appreciate that...very seldom do i feel i get sincere advice...odd cos i was just getting ready to just blow the whole thing off and chalk it up to not working...but those things i will definitely try...

vylette; you have had good posts here and I'd urge you to read them all carefully - shadowsdream gave a really good intro to being a 24/7 sub within your relationship but I would just say - take it careful and slow.
I enjoy an equal partnership with my husband which also encompasses my very real need to play a sunmissive role in the bedroom. I could not take it outside of the bedroom however and neither could he. If your partner is already finding it hard to understand that behaving in a dominant manner (with your consent) in the bedroom is not 'wrong' then I think he might find it even harder if you try and introduce that role outside of the bedroom.

Also go slow for your sake - think about what arouses you in the idea of being submissive - read the threads on here and talk to people, find out as much as you can.
Its harder to find a balance for a BDSM relationship that is wholly a BDSM relationship - on the other hand incorporating some aspects of BDSM into your sex life is relativly eeasy as long as you remember the 3 cardinal rules:
1: SSC - read the sticky up top to find out what this means
2: Go slow
3: No-one is 'right' or 'wrong' just becasue they don't want to play in the way that you want to play, and none fo us have a right to force our partners into something they are uncomfortable with just becasue we want it. This is equally true whether you want him to hold your wrists above your head when he comes right through to wanting him to strap you to a wooden Gym horse and cane you until you have welts that don't fade for a month.

Good luck with your journey - and rememebr that the journey itself should be fun and interesting - get too fixed on your end goal and you miss all the scenery

 

["angel" eve]

my own personal opinion based on my experience

thank you so much everyone who has responded. i found your ideas helpful, as i can hardly say i've had an easy time of learning how to explore this element of my personality in my relationships.

although the questions have been answered as far as nessescary so far, there's alwayz another opinion. a bit to add...

i was 18 and had only been having any form of sex for maybe 6 months, with a completely vanilla parner of the same age when i discovered my interest by reading stories, and looking at pics.

18 year olds are insecure sexually. period. there hasn't been enough time to learn yet - that's it. my challenge was to figure out how to interest my nervous partner in some form of dominance. i wanted to submit to him, and yet i was the one with the knowledge (talk about topping from the bottom).

since we lived a distance apart, we'd often talk on the phone and often we'd have phone sex before we'd go to sleep. although talking sex makes me nervous i'd gotten used to it online, and increasingly became more comfortable about really talking about what i wanted. one night when i was in a particularly confident, and in need of being rather kinky (that craving that not even a good orgasm will fulfill if it doesn't involve bondage or pain of some sort... i'm not the only one who9 gets that am i? ) so this night in particular i told him that i wanted him not to cum until i gave him permission, and that i'd like him to pleasure himself while i told him how i'd lick him and carress him etc etc... nothing about domination or submission, except that he was not to cum until i told him.

once i gave him permission to cum, the third time he asked me to let him, he told me that was the best orgamsy he'd ever had. this warmed him up to the idea of being told what to do enough that he was understanding when i wrote him a story of my fantasy of being tied up and put on a leash.

mind you his willingness to hear my kinky fantasies didn't directly translate to acting out these fantasies right away. it took a fair amount of time, some innocent scarves to tie wrists together and as a blindfold. it never progressed further with him, i'll admit that, but it did open communication and a willingness to learn about my interest in BDSM. it gave me a chance to talk to him about submission as trust, and dominance as guidance. he wasn't appalled or ashamed by the ideas, he just didn't feel they were right for him - at least at that point in his life.

i have to suggest that the most important thing is to get the idea out in the open.
sometimes it takes a partner sometime to mull it over in their own minds. to deal with the social stigmas, and figure out how they feel about it on their own.

 

[Donpaulus]

I needed this!

Thanks for some great postings. I am at the other side of this story and I am still trying to find out my role (or how to behave) in and out of bed with my girlfriend. I am Swedish (30 y/o) and very much brought up to be a gentleman in all aspects. It came to me as a real shock when my girlfriend (Colombian 24 y/o) she liked it when someone slapped her face and called her a whore etc while having sex. Of course I went out and bought handcuffs and ropes the next day and now I've got my eyes on a nice whip! Anyway, I must admit that while I got carried away during sex and said things I didn't think I had in me, I still asked her if she was OK and that I hoped that I hadn't hurt her (What you called terrible in your story above). But you have to see that it is not easy to change your mind all at once. I guess it is hard for me to see that someone derive pleasure for the kind of treatment she was submitted to. Well - she only wanted more : "MAS DURO! Trata me MUY mal!" Also when I read Shadowdreams suggestions I wonder if my little girl is just as devilish She gives me manicure, pedicure, I am hardly allowed to shave myself any longer! She insists that I come in her mouth even if she is choking and coughing for hours afterwards... However I must admit that I LOVE it! My biggest trouble right now is where to take it from here - where the limits lie and so on. I believe she hardly has any but I don't want to be perceived as a pervert while just trying to please her (eeeh and me I guess...)But I have got a lot more questions so I better get on with my reading.

 

[cymbidia]

Re: I needed this!

My biggest trouble right now is where to take it from here - where the limits lie and so on. I believe she hardly has any but I don't want to be perceived as a pervert while just trying to please her (eeeh and me I guess...)But I have got a lot more questions so I better get on with my reading.

You've asked us about this situation before, have you not? Talk to her about this stuff. Ask her about her limits and needs and fantasies. Perhaps each of you might benefit from filling out one of the many play checklists that abound on the net and then talking about your answers afterward. Here's a link to one such checklist: http://ebhon.jnst.uor.edu/~raveneye/bdsm/bdsmchecklist.html

 

[Donpaulus]

Yes Cymbidia, I posted a question on the subject last week. I can see that the "normal" and sensible way of going about it is to discuss it with her but it is not as easy to talk about this subject as "what kind of food do you like". Don't misunderstand me, I am liberal and do like to discuss sex and everything but in this case I would have to ask something like "why do you want me to call you a whore" or where do you like me to beat you", Of course that is going to the extreme but it is not an easy conversation to have with a relatively new girlfriend. It was easier to see the reaction of joy and exctement showing her the handcuffs. Anyway I guess this is a very nice problem to have and I will enjoy the journey as somebody suggested before. Thanks for the link - I will check it out since I guess I have to question myself how far I want to pursue this myself. I felt quite awkward the last time when we played and all the time I was thinking if I was doing this for my pleasure or hers.

 

[lilfrk]

i have an issue...just an issue, not really a problem...i have been married for 12 years (together longer)...and my husband and i have one son...ok the issue..i am so drawn to the "bdsm lifestyle"..however he isnt...i cant say as if it is a "serious problem"..although sometimes i do wish it was different...i realize it isnt necessary in his nature to be "dominate" over me...he says he doesnt feel comfortable with me in a submissive role in or out of the bedroom...but it is what i want ..and it is a want/need coming from inside..so i am at a loss...above all else i know i love him...it is just leaving me feeling empty inside..so if anyone has any suggestions or advice...i would be very happy to hear it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thanks for all the other advice..i truly do appreciate..

as far as being dominate...my husband seems to be in every ascept (meaning work etc...) just not with me...

he will say things like "i do not want to tell you what to do or not to do, that doesnt seem right ..we are equal..i dont want to be 'over' you"

the few times we have carried it out in sexual roleplay...to be perfectly honest..he is all into it until he cums and then he feels terrrible..completely apologizing saying he shouldnt have treated me that way...that it was completely disrespectful...

he feels what i want is not how he should be treating me...and he cant get passed it...we have tried many things and i have explained i dont feel bad when he does things...but still it isnt working..

I've read this thread twice and I'm going to tell you the exact opposite as everyone else.

You can't "get" your husband do something he doesn't want to do, something he isn't comfortable with. While I think the suggestions in this thread are lovely, if it isn't what he signed up for, well then it just isn't what he signed up for. I also think that when he figures out what you're trying to get him to do, he maybe very angry and resentful that you tried to manipulate him.

To me the whole D/s thing is all about the talking. If the talking has taken place which in your case it appears to have. And one person has said No, like it appears that your husband has. Then it just isn't happening. All the nice little things that you do for him aren't going to make it a D/s relationship. It's going to be you, doing nice things for your husband. It'll be you controlling what's going on, not him taking control of you.

I don't mean to offend anyone. This is just my opinion and as we all know opinions are like assholes...We all have one. This is just mine.

 

[Kirabeth]

I tend to agree with lilfrik. If its not something your husbands wants or feels comfortable with then its just not him and you can't force it on him and if you do try it may make him resentful.

I wish i could help you or give you some advice but I just really do not know what to say other than to tell you to talk to him openly and honestly tellinghim how you feel and see if teh two of you can come up with something that works for you.

Good Luck.

 

[cymbidia]

I'm with lilfrk and Kira.

I've avoided posting to this thread because it didn't seem kind, somehow, to interrupt the flow of really good "how to get your partner to do kinky stuff" advice with a sour "well, but what if your partner doesn't want to do kinky stuff even after you give him lots and lots of chances to want it?" lilfrk, always kind, didn't offer that thought in a sour way i'm sure it would have come from me - but she got it said.

BDSM relationships are consensual.
If we don't choose to do this stuff, we don't have to do it.
We all believe that, live it, feel its weighty reality in our lives, right?

It works both ways.
We cannot expect nilla folks to choose to live in the middle of consensual power-exchange relationships if they don't feel drawn to them. We cannot expect our partner to become MasterDominant, whether or not it;s only role play in the bedroom, if they don't want to do that kinda sexual stuff.

It's as wrong for them to expect us not to want it as it is for us to expect them to want it.

There's a huge problem, vylette, in the discovery of such needs after one is married to someone who does not share the needs. If the gods are smiling down on you, your marriage will go the way of Merelan's - one of us married to somene who is trying hard to understand - and who also smiles at the knowledge that Merelan is sub to another at the same time. Most of us don't end up with such wonderfully understanding spouses, though. Most of us get the kind who recoil in shock and/or horror and/or offense at the suggestion that they're not doing "it" right and we want more/different/new stuff.

I'm sorry, vylette, i have nothing concrete to add to this discussion except that you can't change someone into one of us unless it's a journey they already want to make (Sam and Caroline, for example).

Where's Merelan or Hecate? Maybe they could add something of value here.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

All I can add to this thread is that I agree with the three posts above me.

 

[lilfrk]

Thank you to all three of you guys.